http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Thu, 23 Feb 2006 03:17:56 EST http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/02/23/031756.php StickerNow you know I'm a fan as much as the next guy, but four hours of American Idol in two days is, like, waaaaaaaaaay close to head-busting.It didn't help that the guys got off to a slow start, with "slow" being a euphemism in this case.While Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul thought Jose "Sway" Penala's "Reasons" falsetto-fest was "hot" and "truly amazing" (Simon, bless him, found it "pimpy" and "third-rate"), in this living room the party didn't get rolling until Chris Daughtery was up with Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive."True, Chris sang full-throttle, all-body-parts-to-the-wall all-the-time, and he didn't exactly major in the Phrasing Department. But he hit the notes and, more importantly, tapped into his own personal brand of charisma.The next hot act was Elliott Yamin, he of the "I'm not into that do-re-me stuff." (Kids, please don't tell Julie Andrews.) The first thing I liked about Elliott was that he had the temerity to mention the "k" word, admitting that he actually sang karaoke and sang it well. Eliott floated Stevie Wonder's "If You Really Love Me", building it up, patiently, effortlessly until he filled the house.Simon -- mark your calendar -- enthused that Elliott was "potentially the best male vocalist" American Idol had ever had.Take that, Justin Guarini!(Okay, is that fair?)But I digress.Then there was Fabio Man, Ace Young.Proving once again that witnessing the live performance must be different than what comes across the small screen, Randy Jackson went on and on about how well Ace worked the room and worked the camera and worked the girls. Paula was Paula. Simon opined that Ace hadn't had the best vocals that night, but that the presence of the "x" factor more than made up for any deficiency.Me, I thought Ace's performance -- at least as it conveyed through the small screen -- was surprisingly lifeless and his "working" (the camera, the room, the audience) bordered on off-putting. But never mind. The man can do the music industry equivalent of the Three R's: he can sing, perform, and look good.Moreover, he has, so far, escaped the kiss of death -- that kiss of death being labeled a "rocker" by the American Idol Powers That Be.No wonder they call him "Ace."The man who escapes all labels, however -- the veritable Houdini of Label Chains -- was saved for last. Taylor Hicks came out singing the Elton John/Bernie Taupin classic, "Levon." The key seemed a little high for him, leaving his voice a pinch -- and just a pinch, mind you -- thin. In the end, it mattered not at all.The man rocked. He amazed. He enthralled. He made Simon admit he was wrong (about Taylor not being right for the Top 12). And best of all, he made Ryan Seacrest break out into a crazy-abandon Joe Cocker performance art dance.You go, Taylor! Ba-da-bing!So, ladies and gentlemen, these are our top male contenders. There were a few interesting points in some of the other performances, but let's face it. Bobby Bennett will go this week, and the others soon enough.For the men, unless someone really breaks out (and that can happen), Chris Daughtery, Elliott Yamin, Ace Young, and Taylor Hicks are the ones who got it going on. Video44008@blogcritics.org Thu, 23 Feb 2006 03:17:56 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/02/22/165217.php StickerOh yes it's ladies night And the feeling's right Oh yes it's ladies night Oh what a night (oh what a night) (*Repeat) Oh, wait. That was Kool and The Gang. Or the Atomic Kittens. Or Barry Manilow, whatever.Anyway, was it really Ryan Seacrest who came out and opened American Idol Season Five by intoning, "Ladies First?"Never mind. It's show time.Ryan takes the Shakespearian-in-the-round stage, Randy Jackson predicts it's a boy's year on American Idol, and Paula Abdul looks like the long-lost cousin of Morticia on The Addams Family. But with 38 minutes of show time to cram into two hours, we get right down to business. And what business it is!First, the highlights.Mandisa -- saying she wants to prove that "sistahs can rock, too" -- came out, channeled Annie Wilson, and did exactly that. She lit up her version of Heart's "Never" and even lit up Simon Cowell, who pronounced that she had "thrown down the gauntlet" to the other contestants and that he thought she'd make it all the way through.The irrepressible Paris Bennett -- whom Paula charmingly christened "The Little Firecracker" -- came out and rode the "Midnight Train to Georgia" all the way to AI glory. With a little Gladys Knight groove on, Paris rocked and talked and blew the house down.Lisa Tucker, hailing from the birthplace of No Doubt, wrestled with Jennifer Holliday's "I Am Changing" - and won. Like Jeff Corwin wrestling a three-ton gator, this wasn't a perfect performance, but it certainly vaulted Ms. Tucker into the top four.Finally, Katharine McPhee. Katharine McPhee. Katharine McPhee.Nope. Nothing's coming to me.PAGING CHRIS BERMAN: Boomer, dude, this girl needs a nickname and she needs one fast! CALL ME. I MEAN IT. AND DON'T MAKE IT RHYME WITH ME AND BOBBIE McGEE. Really, people, you can't be a pop star and be named Katharine McPhee. Or . . . caaaaannnn you?What was this girl's mother thinking?But, okay.Apart, from the serious pop star stage name deficit, Katharine McPhee was awesome. She owned the stage. Her vocals were mesmerizing. She took a song, "Since I Fell For You," and made it sassy and brassy and sultry.The only thing she has to worry about is the fact that, for whatever reason, she may not be hitting a home run in the likeability department. Just a little iffy-ness there, sorry to say. If, however, the likeability thing breaks her way in the weeks ahead, Katharine McPhee will be unstoppable.So that makes up the idol habit Ladies' Night Top Four: Mandisa, Paris Bennett, Lisa Tucker and Katharine McPhee.The two blondnesses -- Kelli Pickler and Heather Cox -- make up the second tier. I give them both a pass for nerves and extra blondeness. Both girls seem to have the chops to go deep in the competition, but they didn't bring it tonight. Heather, especially, bombed out. On the other hand, Heather's voice is so tantalizingly different that she may be able to get her groove on if she gets the chance.The rest of the group more or less stunk up the joint. Not only did Becky O'Donohue's vocals sound like a bunch of 55-gallon drums being dragged behind a Ford Super Duty truck, she seemed to transform herself from Beauty to The Beast as she sang. Okay, that is one purty truck . . . Becky O'Donohue and Melissa McGhee were the two contestants who sounded even worse in the recaps than when they sang live.(And check out Brenna's expression in the background when Kinnik "hit" some of her high notes. Hee hee hee - and Brenna said the claws weren't out this week. Meow! OTOH, I'll grant her that some muscle reactions are absolutely involuntary in the presence of audio torture.)Speaking of Brenna Gethers, I resemble the fact that the judges apparently have concluded that American Idol needs a Mikalah Gordon thingie going on here again. No, one Mikalah was enough, thank you very much.Kinnik Sky and Ayla Brown were bitten by the over-singing bug and Stevie Scott was bitten by the under-over-inside-out-which-way-is-up singing bug.But at least Stevie Scott doesn't need to page Chris Berman. (Now if only Katharine McPhee had been named Stevie Scott, Katharine McPhee would have had it all!!)Stevie, however, probably does need to page her opera coach, as she's likely to be needing that spot in the summer theatre group after all. Can't say who will join her in getting the boot tomorrow night, but it won't be Mandisa, Paris, Lisa or Katharine McPhee.Am I right? See you after the show.*** idolhabit HOME *** Video43970@blogcritics.org Wed, 22 Feb 2006 16:52:17 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/10/14/113632.php StickerClay Aiken, beloved by millions, is almost as famous with his fans for his bon mots as for his singing.One of the pearls of wisdom to come out of Mr. Aiken's mouth was something along the lines of: whatever the vicissitudes of life after American Idol, he was dead-set against becoming just another "useless celebrity."As we ponder what Clay might have meant by the term "useless celebrity," it's perhaps enlightening to look around at the most recent useless celebrity feuds. Or maybe not.Okay, I know you want to go there.First up, we have the Kelly Clarkson v. Benji Madden swingfest, which I helpfully documented here.The lovable Kelly Clarkson of course was being her lovable self when, in an interview for a magazine feature actually called something like "Stupid Questions for [Name That Celebrity]," she dared to make a joke---a joke not only about Beyonce, but---gasp!---about HILARY DUFF.Well, slap you up side the head, Ms. Clarkson.As Hilary Duff's boyfriend's genius twin brother was quick to opine: Kelly Clarkson got her start as a pop star on a tv show, while, according to said genius, Hilary "Lizzie McGuire" Duff did not.This is why internet chatters invented the ROTFLMAO acronym. Even mtv.com went "dude . . . huh?? . . ." over that one.Then, in a different useless celebrity feud, we had Liam Gallagher of Oasis going at it with Chris Martin of Coldplay.Mr. Gallagher, apparently, was appalled that Mr. Martin had used the occasion of a gig at a children's cancer fundraising event to "bang" on about his political views (which, of course, children everywhere are enchanted with).As Liam Gallagher put it:When Coldplay did this gig they banged on about the war, that's wrong. Chris Martin shouldn't be using this cause to bang on about his own views on the war. If him and his gawky bird want to go banging on about the war they can do it at their own gigs.That lot are just a bunch of knobhead students - Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher. What's all that with writing messages about Free Trade on his hand when he's playing. If he wants to write things down I'll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students.These gigs are about kids who have got cancer, they've got to fight a war every day of their lives. That's what we're all here doing this for.Then later, at the next celebrity event, Chris Martin, exacting revenge on Gallagher for calling his wife a gawky bird, called Liam Gallagher "short."Wow. Call the waaaammmmmmbulance.(Mental note: Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher? I did not know that.My geography teacher was an alien (the kind from outer space) named Miss Crosskey, who sat behind her desk, spinning a huge globe and laughing maniacally, while we all waited for Batman and Robin to burst into her lair and save us from her evil clutches.Plus, besides Miss Crosskey, I seriously thought that all the other geography teachers in the world actually had real jobs. As football coaches. So they looked like . . . David Hasselhoff?Please, all you people from the United Association of Geography Teachers World-Wide. Stop hatemailing me. Calm yourself. Go look up the northernmost city in Kazakhstan. Nah, I'm just pulling your longitudes. I meant Uzbekistan.)But I digress.Not since The Fight of the Girl-Gnomes (a/k/a the 1967 Walt Disney classic, The Gnome-Mobile) has a catfight been so entertaining.And, while it's never polite to call someone's wife a bird (much less a gawky bird---although it seems that is more politically correct than calling someone a water buffalo), one must admit to the fact that---whether Beauty or The Bird---Gwyneth Paltrow is a woman who started out in life with Brad Pitt and ended up with Chris Martin. Which reminds me of the fact that a similar human conundrum, Mia Farrow, started out in life with Ole Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, and ended up with Ole Bug Eyes, Woody Allen. 'Nuff said.Now: what is this about Clay Aiken and The "Useless Celebrity" Mode?I do believe that Mr. Aiken has said something along the lines of at one point in his life he had decided he didn't want to be "just" a singer; he wanted to be "more than" a singer.So, while he's done gigs such as reporting (to rave reviews) from the red carpet at the Emmys for The Insider, Clay Aiken also has been off on UNICEF tours and busy with a charitable foundation.Wonderful stuff.But my point is this: love him or hate him, for millions, Mr. Aiken's voice is not "just" singing. It's joy. And creating joy is never useless.So---upon the second anniversary of the release of Measure of a Man---here's to Mr. Aiken's sophomore disc, wherever it may be.In the meantime, unlike Ms. Paltrow and Ms. Farrow, Aiken fans can---sssshhhh!---gloat that they started out in life with Clay Aiken . . . and ended up with Clay Aiken. And with his singing. 'Nuff said. *** idolhabit NEXT *** *** idolhabit HOME *** Music37914@blogcritics.org Fri, 14 Oct 2005 11:36:32 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/10/03/100251.php Sticker In other news proving, once again, that They are not like Us, Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden, brother of Good Charlotte frontman, Joel Madden (and, so far as I can tell, no relation to John Madden), ragged on the lovable Kelly Clarkson for---and I quote---"dissing" Hilary Duff, who happens to be Joel Madden's girlfriend.Apparently, the lovable Kelly Clarkson, no doubt alluding to those wacky celebrity boxing matches, made a joke about how she would love to get in the ring and battle fellow Texans Hilary Duff and Beyonce Knowles. (Which I think would be an improvement over battling Paula Jones and Tanya Harding. But I digress.)Battle of the Bootylicious, anyone?Anyway.I'm just wondering: how is this---stating in a joking manner that one would like to "get in the ring" with this or that person---a diss?Of course, I'm not advocating that Kelly Clarkson actually put on some gloves and start pulling sucker punches on either Ms. Duff or Ms. Knowles.I mean, you never know: Hilary just might start doing that silent drill dance routine thingy from Cadet Kelly and that's enough to freak anybody into forfeiting the round.(BTW, I can't mention Cadet Kelly without recalling for you Hilary's most famous line. She's shining Army boots and says to another cadet, "Excuse me, sir, may I borrow some spit? I promise I'll pay you back!")However, if we're talking about singing here, let's just be clear: Kelly Clarkson has the pipes to blow both those other gals off the mat. No contest. Please. Clean up on aisle six.That doesn't mean that the gazillion of Hilary and Beyonce fans are wrong. Of course not.Hilary Duff and Beyonce Knowles are perfectly lovable singers themselves and perfectly suitable objects of fandom, if that's what floats your boat.It just means that in a vocal chord to vocal chord competition, Ms. Clarkson would be hard to beat.And she knows it.Nevertheless---and although he is not the one dating Hilary Duff (or . . . issss heee?)---Benji Madden reportedly took great offense at Kelly's quip and, according to a copy of the Benji-gram reportedly saved by mtv.com, he blogged:My mom told me if I didn't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, so I won't say 'Amercian Idol' sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff. 'Cause let's not forget Kelly . . ., you were a 'contestant' on a TV show. Hilary made herself.Ah, such rage against the machine!Look, inquiring minds want to know: what are the odds that Hilary Duff would have made it as a singer if she had not first incarnated herself as an international tweenie sensation on that tv show, Lizzie McGuire?What are the odds that, without that little tv show resume item, Lizzie McGuire, Hillary Duff even would have been offered a record contract?Is there any truth to the rumors that once someone becomes an international tweenie/teen sensation, industry execs start looking around for ways to milk the cow and often suddenly discover that---whoa!---The Sensation maybe can sing? (Not to mention discovering that The Sensation's face looks good on a lunchbox.)Just asking.I mean, if arguing that Hilary Duff's singing career has had nothing to do with that tv show, Lizzie McGuire, is Benji Madden's idea of a smackdown, well, goll-eee. Send up the flares.But what I really want to say is this: here we go again with the schtick that somehow artists discovered through our lovable American Idol discovery machine are not legitimate. They don't deserve to sell discs. They don't deserve to be on radio. They don't deserve to live.Die, American Idol, die!I have addressed this frank balderdash at length [here, here, here, here, and here, for example] and don't feel the need right now to go into it again for those who have not been paying attention.But I will say this to the Benji Maddens of the world:Hello. It's about the singing. *** idolhabit NEXT *** *** idolhabit HOME *** Music37305@blogcritics.org Mon, 3 Oct 2005 10:02:51 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/16/055002.php StickerI last wrote about American Idol as the (not so little) engine that could [here].While critics while away their days bashing AI as the root cause of everything that's cheap, vulgar and boring in pop culture, The Phenom chugs past their windows without catching even a glance.This week American Idol proved its mettle---not to mention its staying power---in what eonline.com writer, Joal Ryan, calls its "most important competition" yet.That would be: ad dollars. Ka-ching.Yup. The big ones are rolling in for Fox as the golden goose comes close to busting a gut laying those golden eggs. To be exact, eggs worth an average of $705,000 smackers per 30-seconds of your, gentle viewer's, time.And, as Mr. or Ms. Ryan so cleverly put it: "the only show close to netting as much as Wednesday Idol [is] Tuesday Idol . . . a 30-second spot there will cost about $660,000."By comparison, according to Adweek, a typical 30-second network ad goes for beer change, $150,000.But, it's never enough, is it?Now comes the news that the American Idol He-Beast has settled on his next artistic endeavor.Yes, he came, he conquered. Music. Television. Books. I mean: Book.Well, sort of.(While the Clay Aiken book, Learning To Sing, conquered the New York Times bestseller list, the Simon Cowell book, I Don't Mean To Be Rude, But . . ., conquered maybe the remainder bin at several local dollar stores. Not to be rude or anything, but . . .) Thus the inimitable Mr. Simon Cowell---Mister, still, because, inexplicably, he's one of the few pop culture icons upon whom the Queen has yet to bestow knighthood [[ELTON JOHN CACKLES WICKEDLY HERE]]---reportedly wants to conquer filmmaking. As in a big-screen adaptation of this original thought: The Tough and Fetching Life of (as Zap2it.com puts it) "Wannabe Entertainers and The Difficult Path to Fame." As if! And, flash, isn't "wannabe entertainers and the difficult path to fame" what American Idol is all about anyway? Wow, if only From Justin to Kelly had been about "wannabe entertainers and the difficult path to fame,"instead of about love and text messaging, Justin Guarini might still have that big, beautiful hair and maybe even a contract.FJ2K, which has been described as "equal parts Beach Blanket Bingo, Grease and any other cheesy movie musical you can think of, " has been the object of some of the most brutal machete slashing known to man [here, for example]. However, when one peruses similar fare, I must say it's difficult to discern why FJ2K was singled out for the tree chipper treatment.Take Beach Blanket Bingo, for example. Its plot blurb is: "between surfing, partying and miming to cheesy songs, Frankie and the gang find time to enter a parachuting competition!"Really!Well, the film does include Linda Evans (yes, the blonde maven of Dynasty) as the "beautiful girl singer," Sugar Kane---ho ho ho: get it?---who is kidnapped by Eric von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck).There's also a mermaid named Lorelei who falls for a mere land man. Actually, apparently he was no mere man as he went by the name "Bonehead."Moreover, one reviewer went so far as to opine, "Frankie and Annette [Funicello] and the other teens can't act (or sing, or dance) but they all look great in bathing suits."As opposed to From Justin to Kelly, where Kelly can in fact sing and Justin looks great in a bathing suit.Yet Beach Blanket Bingo was a huge hit and it continues to be a campy favorite.Then there's that little matter of Grease, which I maintain became a blockbuster simply because no one had the heart to dump on Her Blondeness, Olivia Newton-John.Kinda like Old Yellar, she was just too cute.And, of course, at that time Grease star John Travolta's career was just as dependent upon adolescent hormones as was Justin Guarini's career at the time he shot FJ2K.Indeed, with the Grease plot described as "the friendships, romances, and adventures of a group of highschool kids in the 1950's," the stage production of this---I quote---"adorable" film continues to brighten faces around the world.In fact, it's like a hundred years later and a British theatre group is still breathlessly billing Grease as "the most popular, fun-filled musical in the history of Rock 'n Roll!"Excuse me, but this is a film that had a song (a very loooonnnnng song, if memory serves me correctly) called "Beauty School Drop-Out." A song with captivating lyrics such as "beauty school drop-out / go back to high school . . ."I mean, hey, I'm a "Beauty School Drop-Out" fan as much as the next joe, but, please. The rap on FJ2K was that it did not have "catchy" and "memorable" songs?Well, yeah. I remember "Beauty School Drop-Out." I also remember that root canal I got in 1994.Anyway.My point is that you can't blame cheese for being cheese.If you ask me (and I'm taking you did since you are here), the pulverization of FJ2K---at least by the critic-critters---was part and parcel of the general bash-American-Idol zeitgeist.Cheese to cheese, FJ2K is at least as tasty (and certainly as wholesome---which, come to think of it, also always bugs critic-critters) as anything else on the tray.Beside the facts that the critic-critters savaged it ruthlessly even before it was released, and that the studio failed to support their own product, my personal theory on why FJ2K didn't (thus far) at least become a cult classic is two-pronged.One, FJ2K opened against The Incredible Hulk. Of course, that movie turned out to be a supreme yawner, but at the time it had gargantuan (no pun intended) buzz.Two, it rained for, like, three days when FJ2K opened. At least on the east coast, which you gotta admit is quite a large swath of Idol-dom. Look, a large percentage of the potential fans of FJ2K did not yet know how to drive the minivan and we all know moms don't do severe weather unless they have to.But never mind. As I proposed early in the AI4 season, FJ2K seriously needs to be turned into a stage production and many idol finalists and even charming rejects should be cycled through the cast.Of course, it would be helpful to read my remarks in context [here] but, to review, I wrote:FJ2K would be a fascinating and delightful vehicle for extending the life of popular Idol alumi.Just because "Kelly" and "Justin" were played in the film version by Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini doesn't mean they own those parts. (And, anyway, how many times did they switch Darren on us on "Bewitched"? Or Harriet on "Family Matters"?)Plus there are parts for two female and two male "friends"---so up to six idols could be in one production. Julia DeMato or Carmen Rasmussen could play "Kelly" in the first run. And "Justin"---Jon Peter Lewis, R.J. Helton or George Huff could be delish. Or they could just cast Justin Guarini as "Justin." You know, if he's not busy.Indeed.So, Memo To Mr. Cowell: Call me, baby. We're going to Broadway!*** idolhabit NEXT*** *** idolhabit HOME *** Video36277@blogcritics.org Fri, 16 Sep 2005 05:50:02 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/16/235459.php StickerOh, this is rich in palace intrigue. Very rich.The Fox News story goes like this:You may recall the story about Mario Vazquez, the kid who bolted mid-season from "American Idol" last winter. He'd been convinced by his lawyer -- the same lawyer who represented Clay Aiken -- to leave the show rather than stay and sign a management contract with the "Idol" producers. And this is what I said shortly after Mr. Vazquez gave American Idol the boot and upon the occasion of Constantine Maroulis' premature departure from the show:Perhaps we will soon be seeing Mr. Maroulis taking a number, behind Mario "Who?" Vazquez, at the law offices of Atlanta entertainment lawyer Jess L. Rosen, the freedom fighter who famously extricated Clay Aiken from the AI management machine. Yes, Mr. Jess L. Rosen, Freedom Fighter.It is now reported (by Fox News here) that Mr. Rosen, Freedom Fighter, was the man behind the curtain in the melodrama of "The Kid Who Bolted."Now, previously, as those who have been along for the idolhabit ride since the beginning know, I have already expressed, in my usual unequivocal terms, my sense of The Kid's future in the music industry.To wit, I said, with my usual candor: "I don't believe Mario is distinctive enough to break through without the type of exposure, personal and musical, he could have gotten on AI."Of course, I could be wrong.(But after listening to Mario's vocals on Worlds of Change, what I called a "Latin-flavored boy-bandesque lollipop," I somehow doubt it.) Mario's future career prospects, however, are not what I'm here to discuss.Think about the intrigue, people, the intrigue! This puts the two-bit toga-toting hacks in I, Claudius all to shame! While the Fox News story lays the blame/credit (depending on how much you love Mario) for this bodacious plan fully on Mr. Jess Rosen, Freedom Fighter, one has to wonder if said Rosen was not part of a nefarious palace---i.e., insider---cabal.Look at it this way: Would a big, fancy lawyer such as Mr. Rosen, Freedom Fighter, advise The Kid to actually LEAVE THE SHOW (that show being American Idol) without said big, fancy lawyer actually having some assurances that he could indeed deliver a big-time record contract to said Kid on a silver platter.Garcon!What this deal accomplished was the complete and utter cutting out of Mr. Fuller and 19 Entertainment. And, if the rumors are true that Fuller is shopping for an alternate label for American Idol winners, this deal also accomplished a pre-emptive strike.This was shock and awe designed to rain fear onto the hearts of all those connected with 19 Entertainment.The message: Your juicy deals-in-the-making are not safe. We can come at any time and raid your farm teams and raid your bench.Unless one believes that Mr. Rosen worked completely on his own (and Freedom Fighters never do), J. Records, in some way, shape or form, likely helped the cause of snatching Mario Vazquez from the claws of Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment. (This assumes Mario Vazquez would have won or been runner-up, which I don't think at all is a sure bet.)If Simon Fuller indeed is looking to take the American Idol golden goose away from J. Records (a/k/a Clive Davis---the "J" in J. Records is for Clive's middle initial), Clive Davis just gave him the air kiss and said "Go ahead and make my day."In other words: Mr. Fuller, sir, you be punk'd..The take-home point?If it happened once, it can happen again. If a label succeeded in interjecting itself into the Idol process---in effect, in pre-empting the label that has the legal right to sign artists who complete the Idol process---a label, any label, can do that again in the future.American Idol becomes the NFL Draft.Yep, you heard it on idolhabit first.After American Idol goes through the laborious process of finding a couple dozen singing diamonds in the rough, it puts them on the tube where they are then evaluated by scouts for all the major record labels.If a label thinks it really needs a particular kid at quarterback, so to speak, just like in college sports, there are ways to convey "interest."Heck, I remember Heather Locklear telling the story that she had a friend ring up Richie Sambora and tell him that she was "interested." According to Heather, Richie showed up at her hotel room door that night in order to inquire about her interest. The rest is married bliss history.But I digress.In this brave new world of American Idol Meets the NFL Draft, once a label decides it wants to go after an American Idol finalist, it can work a covert deal and just let the contestant ride the AI wave until the label thinks the time is right to pull the plug.What about this example: What if, instead of taking the chance that he might win American Idol---an eventuality he was literally praying against---Bo Bice had withdrawn from the competition the night before the finale because he had gone ahead and worked out a deal with Clive Davis that cut out Simon Fuller and 19E?(That's not likely to be possible, so far as we know the details of the AI contract, but when it comes to litigation/legal interpretations, I, for one, would never say never.)Of course, I can gar-ran-tee that the Superhero contingent, disguised as squirrelly little lawyers, is running around the back streets of L.A., trying to dream up ways to---drats! double drats!---foil the plans of the Clive Davis Clone Army to take over the American Idol world.Beyond that, however, there's a more commercial way for Mr. Fuller and 19E to defeat the Clive Davis Clone Army.Such as, oh, doing an exceptionally fantastic job promoting the American Idol artists 19E does sign. You know, doing your job so well that everyone actually wants to hold out for the chance to be on your team.It's supremely interesting that Mr. Rosen's Freedom Fighting credentials include springing the one and only Mr. Clay Aiken from 19E. Out here in the bleachers, we'll never know the full story on what motivated Mr. Aiken to take extraordinary steps to extricate himself from Fuller's management services.But I do know this: the Superhero contingent disguised as lawyers can never write a contract that another Superhero disguised as a lawyer cannot find a way out of. So there are only so many "party of the first part" and "party of the second part" and "is this the party to whom I am speaking?" clauses that Fuller and 19E can deploy in an effort to stop American Idol finalists from pulling a Mario.On the other hand, no one, save themselves, can stop Fuller and 19E from becoming known as a company that, through hard work, skill and good judgment, takes every American Idol finalist it signs straight up to the stars.Establish a winning record, and the players will come.However, in the new American Idol Fantasy League, allowing major talents such as Clay Aiken---and, oh yeah, Kelly Clarkson, who said buh-bye this year---to slip away doesn't bode well for Fuller and 19's team.*** idolhabit HOME *** Music34266@blogcritics.org Tue, 16 Aug 2005 23:54:59 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/12/062543.php Sticker photo by RCA Records Monday night found me sitting in a tropical downpour at the fabled Wolf-Trap National Park for the Performing Arts in Vienna, Virginia. The occasion? One Mr. Clay Aiken and his Jukebox Tour. Having only been able to score lawn tix the traditional way, the day of the show I rang up the friendly dude at the box office and inquired, in a friendly way, about the possibility of upgrading. His heinous laugh was deafening. He was like, dude, you're on the phone and peeps have been camped out here since at least 9:00 this morning, which, he informed me, was when he arrived at work. Besides intimating that I was thoroughly insane, he further informed me that I should feel exceedingly lucky to have gotten tickets at all and that, please, the in-house tix sold out in---quote---"like, thirty seconds, I'm not kidding you." How he found time to provide me with this exceedingly detailed oral history---what with all the apparently clamoring, desperate throngs of Claymates at his window---I know not. But there you have it. So, the lawn it was. Which, from a professional blogger point of view, actually has advantages because it allows one to conduct research on several conversations and fan groups simultaneously. Such as the lady who turned to her friend and asked, quite sincerely, "Why is everyone screaming?" True, since the concert hadn't even started, one might legitimately wonder.Except that, people, this is CLAY AIKEN, after all. The man whom I once described [here] as turning even the Fox people into blubbering wierdos every time he appeared. Then there was the girl who turned to her BF and said, "It's intermission and he hasn't sung one Clay Aiken song yet." (Not true if she was talking about songs Mr. Aiken had recorded: though literally interrupted by a bolt of lightening, he had sung "Solitaire," which most definitely is a Clay Aiken song. Even Neil Sedaka said so.) But my point is: Lady, it's called the "Jukebox Tour," and that means . . .? Hmmm . . . ?? Of course, she was the one who was lamenting that they'd not brought any dinner (a Wolf-Trap tradition) because she'd gotten confused and thought the concert was tomorrow night, but then she heard the concert advertised on the radio and, lo and behold---SCREECH BRAKES AND MAKE U-TURN---it actually was tonight, and well, it was all very tumultuous. Golly. Somehow it reminded me of last year when I was at one of Mr. Aiken's Christmas concerts, part of his tour to support his Christmas album, which was called Merry Christmas with Love. And, oh yeah, it was Christmas.I heard a young woman say to another young woman at intermission, "I can't believe he's only sung Christmas songs." Whoa, dude, and I can't believe that the last time Elizabeth appeared in public they played "God Save the Queen" rather than, say, "Stacey's Mom." Anyway. What I ended up thinking about as Mr. Aiken sang the stuffing out of everything he touched was how not one song---not one of the several dozen songs he covered over the course of the night---was stronger, deeper, more profound, more rich, more charming, or---yes, better!---than any track on Aiken's debut disc, Measure of a Man. Yet, unlike the tracks on Measure of a Man, each one of the several dozen hits Aiken sang had received---often in several different versions over the years---extensive radio play. So extensive that most everyone in the crowd, ranging from giggly gaggles of pre-teen girls to highly seasoned citizens, could sing along to a substantial portion of the setlist. That's not to say the Jukebox Tour setlist isn't full of great songs. Of course it is. And what's not to love about anything by Elvis or Motown. What would life be if we did not have songs such as "Love Me Tender" and "Midnight Train to Georgia"? Or "Jailhouse Rock," "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and even "Workin' at the Car Wash"? But are these songs actually stronger, deeper, more profound, more rich, more charming, and---yes, better!---than Clay Aiken's "Run to Me," "When You Say You Love Me," "I Will Carry You," "This Is The Night," "Invisible" or "Touch"? Can someone actually demonstrate how these songs differ so greatly that the one group "belongs" on radio and the other---i.e., the group consisting of songs recorded by Clay Aiken on Measure of a Man---does not? Recently, I wrote about Bo Bice and The Mystery of Credible Rock Radio, a piece discussing the sheer dumbness---not to mention short-sightedness---oozing from radio's snarlitude (oh! a word I coined in the context of AI4 contestant Scott Savol [here] and I want credit for it!) toward artists who emerged through our lovable American Idol discovery machine. In regard to Bo, I wrote: This is the only way judging a singer's "credibility" as a "rocker" can make sense: if rock is indeed a club with a Big Rule Book by which The Establishment (a/k/a Credible Rock Radio) judges just who is and who is not a club member in good standing.And, may I remind that, in this scene the actual music is the least consequential factor in determining whether a person is "in" (i.e., "credible") or "out" (i.e., not "credible").If this were not true, Bo Bice's version of "Vehicle"---a wondrous, rollicking, head-thumping rendition of a "credible" rock hit by a "credible" rock band sung by a great rock singer backed by a great and "credible" rock guitarist loaded with "credible" hard rock riffs---would be all over Credible Rock Radio.But it's not. Put Clay Aiken in the subject line and WHAT I SAID! Fact. As multitudes of Claymates can attest, thousands and thousands and thousands of phone calls, emails, and personal visits failed to budge radio off its prehistoric boulder, to wit, "Sorry. We don't do American Idol." Not: "Sorry. We think Clay Aiken's music stinks." Not: "Sorry. Clay Aiken's music isn't radio-friendly." Not: "Sorry. Clay Aiken's songs are 13 minutes long [they're not] and that doesn't fit our format." No,---as with the DJ Stryker's comment that the hilariously self-described "Credible Rock Radio won't go near" the music of any artist found through our lovable American Idol discovery machine----universally the retort to Clay fans was simply some version of "We don't do American Idol." Sneer. Well, backatcha, buddy. Puh-leeze. To repeat myself for the purpose of emphasis: besides the mesmerizing Clay vocals, what struck me most about Mr. Aiken's tromp through pop music history was exactly how worthy HIS pop music is compared to every radio hit he sang. And it's not just pop history that makes this point. We live in a world, as I wrote previously here, where Gwen Stefani has a radio hit with "Rich Girl," a song she lifted from--- a beloved musical about a family fleeing Jewish pograms in pre-Revolutionary Russia and then turned it into a dumber, and more spoilt, version of Madonna's "Material Girl." Yet, apparently, the music industry is still bowing before her, intoning "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Today I listened to radio for all of 30 minutes and twice heard this new song by Bon Jovi: "Have A Nice Day." I kid you not: Bon Jovi, rock royalty, has a new release called "Have A Nice Day" and IT'S GETTING SPINS. And this is not some joke title, a clever entendre, an ironic caption on a deeply philosophical, poignant and important thought. It's truly a song about having a nice day.Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I do think there are songs that take that idea and present it in a way that, despite the "Living on a Prayer" guitars and gnarly Bon Jovi vocals, is more than a cartoon. For example, the Clay Aiken tracks "Perfect Day" and "Shine." They are equally about the optimism and attitude that Bon Jovi is expressing in "Have a Nice Day," but with the important difference that---lyrically, musically and vocally---the Aiken songs actually provide some insight, depth and real substance into how and why one gets from a rotten place to a better place in love and life. Sure, "Perfect Day" and "Shine" are still pop songs, not Socratic tomes or Robert Browning poems. But, tell me, how is it that "Have A Nice Day" "belongs" on radio and the Clay Aiken tracks get thrown on radio's self-appointed toxic waste dump? Look, here's your idolhabit homework: Check out Fred Bronson's book, The Billboard Book of Number One Hits. Pick 10 Number One hits at random (excluding "This Is The Night," the poignant love potion song by Clay Aiken that hit number one based on sales, not airplay) and look up the lyrics.Then pick 10 tracks between Measure of a Man and the Bo Bice disc, "Inside Your Heaven" and "Vehicle." See if you can discern an audible distinction, such that you---light bulb!---understand why radio chose to play those number one hits and chooses not to play Clay Aiken and Bo Bice. Then compare the lyrics of the songs on your two lists and tell me if you can discern a poetic distinction such that songs such as "Rockin' Robin" were worthy of radio's good graces, but songs such as "Run to Me," "I Will Carry You," "The Way," "Invisible" and Bo's "Inside Your Heaven" and "Vehicle" were not worthy of ample airplay. The funny thing is that radio has yet to catch on to the fact that, if it doesn't watch out and start playing what people actually want to hear (be it artists discovered through American Idol or wherever), people have options. Duh. But, then again, radio is an industry that still compiles its ratings by having people take a pencil and write down on a piece of paper what they listened to that day, and then put the paper in an envelope, seal it, put a stamp on it and turn it in to the snail mail folks to haul it in big sacks to huge radio ratings office where, probably, Dilbert and friends use their hands to open the envelopes and then use pencils to mark down each ballot before sending the resultant mountains of paper off to the paper counting department where this 20th century process is repeated. That's why I'm writing next time about radio and the stubby pencil. True, the industry is changing. Shazamm, it's the 21st century, Grandma has an iPod, and Arbitron is just about to roll out a---WHOA!---computerized ratings system for radio. Okay, so radio just showed up in Peabody & Sherman's Wayback Machine, having---Three Stooges-like---accidentally pressed the "forward" button. But it may be too late. American Idol generated fan bases that, more than any other fan groups in recent music history, wanted to and were determined to affect airplay. True, fan support plus, um, industry support made Kelly Clarkson the darling on Top 40 radio [here] (and deservedly so). Her sophomore disc, Breakaway, is brilliant on several relevant scales. But otherwise, despite massive fan efforts that, by rights, should have catapulted their guys and gals to the top of the charts, nothing happened.Nothing happened on the airwaves, that is. But out in real life, a sea change happened. And if radio doesn't figure out how to ride that wave, it's going to find itself unable to get tickets to the concerts people actually are attending.*** idolhabit NEXT *** *** idolhabit HOME *** Music34061@blogcritics.org Fri, 12 Aug 2005 06:25:43 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/07/25/194710.php StickerWhile no doubt Carrie Underwood will bring a smile to the face with her rendition of the "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" jingle, otherwise you can forget about chocolate, Charlie, Willy and Wonka. What we need to talk about here is spaghetti. (Not to be confused with the little known and even less loved Guns 'n Roses album, The Spaghetti Incident, or with the delightful chewing-gum-for-the-mind Panorama radio hoax, "The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest.")As in: What if it cost $1,000,000 to make a bowl of spaghetti and then only 3 people liked it? That's pretty much what the old music industry does every day.In The Future of Music, David Kusek and Gerd Leonhard's fascinating tome on, well, the future of music, we find this enlightening fact: Approximately 32,000 new cds are released each year. Only about 250 of those new discs will sell over 10,000 copies. Fewer than 30 of those 32,000 discs will go platinum (ship more than 1M). That, according to Kusek and Leonhard, means that only 1/10 of 1% of new artists is likely to hit it big. 1/10 of 1% . . . that's .001. That's so miniscule, Power Point probably explodes if you try to display that as a pie chart. Clearly, as our music futurist friends write: Most record companies today market artists based on a "see if it sticks" approach. They put a hundred different artists on the market, knowing that less than five of them will ever break even. They hope for that one act that will hit the big-time so that they recoup the entire investment across their whole roster of acts. Rolling Stone, under the gloomy title "Record Biz Still Sinking," quotes industry suits noting that budget cuts have led to cuts in the number of people working to promote any given album. Just like with movies and television shows these days, the execs have much, much less patience with records that are slow to develop a following. It used to be a movie would hang around for a while while word-of-mouth percolated. No more. If the seats aren't filling in the first week of release, the flick gets yanked and the studio plays its next lottery ticket. In other words: spaghetti. Cook it. Throw it up against the wall. If it sticks, it's done. If it doesn't stick, cook a little longer and throw the next piece up against the wall. Boil. Rinse. Repeat. (Don't know how? Go here. Final point: no slurping. )Now. What, precisely, does this have to do with Bo Bice and every other artist that is discovered through our lovable American Idol discovery machine?What if it cost $1,000,000 to producea bowl of spaghetti and thenonly 3 people liked it? This: I'm quite sick and tired of the stodgy, lumbering music industry (and its archaic and teetering-on-obsolete subset, Old Radio) giving some pretty talented, unique and magnetic singers (and their fanbases) the snob treatment.Just because they were formerly the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful gatekeepers of the charts (i.e., The Establishment), the fact remains that "they" were unable or unwilling to find and sign multi-platinum artists such as Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and (peering into the idolhabit crystal ball) Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice.Again, this is an industry that has a success rate of .001. I will briefly review: out of the approximately 32,000 cds released every year, only about 250 will sell more than 10,000 and fewer than 30 will sell more than 1 million. By contrast, let's look at the American Idol success rate: In four seasons, American Idol has produced 46 finalists, including 4 runners-up and 4 winners. This group of 46 artists has released at least 22 full-length solo albums. (To restate, this figure does not include singles or compilation discs.) Of these 22 albums, 6 have sold more than 1 million copies. At least 14 have sold more than 10,000. The top two sellers---Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken---alone are responsible for over 8 million albums sold. With Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barrino, the three American Idols plus Clay Aiken have sold over 11.6 million discs. Counting a platinum album as "success," this means that the American Idol discovery machine has a success rate of 6 out of 22, or approximately 36%, compared to 1/10 of 1% for the music industry as a whole. Yet, the suits---including the hilariously self-described Credible Rock Radio (whose diss of Bo Bice I discuss at length here)---continue blythely to nurse the illusion that there is only one right way to develop artists and that is their way. Credilbe Rock Radio went so far as to pronounce that it "wouldn't go near" (!) Bo Bice, seeing as he was discovered on---gasp!---American Idol.Pardon me while I laugh my brains out.I have much more to say on this point than I can cram into this one post. But check this out: in June 2005, industry bigwigs reportedly were breathing a sigh of relief and exclaiming "We're saved! We're saved!" when Coldplay's X&Y sold 737,000 copies its first week and held the number one spot for three weeks. Interesting, but . . . no similiar "he's Saving The World!" sentiments were expressed when Clay Aiken sold 613,000 copies of Measure of a Man in its first week and held the number one spot for 2 weeks. (Measure of a Man fell, barely, against Outkast and Rod Stewart in week 3. However, by week 3, it had sold 979,000 copies.) Nothing against Coldplay or Gwenyth, but I was under the impression that all money talks. The good news is that we're on to them. I once asked: whose music is it anyway? Well, it's ours. Like it? Buy it. Perhaps that sounds rather revolutionary to an industry that likes the odds in producing 32,000 discs in order to find about 30 big ones that people really like. Video33125@blogcritics.org Mon, 25 Jul 2005 19:47:10 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/07/13/202023.php StickerCarrie Underwood---yes, the first country artist in Billboard chart history to bow at number one on the Hot 100 chart ("Inside Your Heaven") and the recipient of the continued praise of fellow country warbler, Rascal Flatts frontman, Gary LeVox--- followed in the footsteps of many an American Idol finalist this week---except that she was wearing Skechers.Which, by the way, sells more than sneakers---including this line of beachy flips called "Heatwaves--Kauai"---which reminds me of Jasmine Trias, who just released her debut in R & B, which . . .> Okay, back to the important topic at hand: SHOES.Yep. Talk about stepping into some big shoes: like Britney and Christina before her---and please do not email me with the equisite correction that Christina has a size 2 footsie FOR MY INFORMATION---it's an expression, people, look it up!---the bonny lass from Oklahoma signed on the dotted line this week to rep the trendy Manhattan Beach, CA company.(This company is so trendy it even posts a "Notice to Parents" on its website.)Carrie enthused in a statement reported in eonline:Being a part of Skechers is exciting. It is such a hip company with a great attitude and image. I've been wearing Skechers for years, so for me this is a really great project. I can proudly endorse Skechers--and happily add more pairs to my closet! I have a feeling Carrie's going to need a new closet.But then, clothing, of course, is an important part of life. Therefore, it's very important that we have celebrities around to help us understand what shoes to wear.Besides, we love the pics and why would a company spend thousands of dollars to hire a professional photographer and an ad design team if we didn't return the love by pulling out the Master Card?Seriously. The world is a better place because Kelly Clarkson decided to endorse Candies---thus stepping into the shoes of such luminaries before her as Kelly Osborne and Jenny McCarthy, and thus contributing to the loveliness of pop culture by creating all those delicious pop art ads.Believe it or not, someday all those old dusty posters of Campbell soup cans and multiple-imaged Marilyn Monroes that are presently hanging in museums are going to be replaced by pics of Kelly in a bathtub, wearing 6-inch platform slip-ons.Way to go, Kel! Dude!And such a relief! My goodness, after another full season of Simon (Mr. Owner of 457 Black Tees) Cowell ragging on the contestants for their fashion sense---sniffing that anything beyond jeans and a cutesy top was "too old" and "old fashioned"---I hope Mr. Cowell gets the message that the real fashion world thinks Carrie Underwood is gorgeous and stylish and is willing to put their money on that fact.Of course, we live in a world where Gwen Stefani designs digital cameras (the HP R607 "Harajuku Lovers Digital Camera"), P. Diddy designs sweat suits AND tuxedos (the whole lot described by Sean himself as "fashion viagra"), and Xzibit designs sneakers.Then there's John Elway---yes, the venerable and venerated Denver Broncos Number 7---who designs man furniture (and, like the man, the furniture is "coordinated").So it's even better that Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson are not the only American Idol celebrities kind enough to dispense fashion advice.Most recently, Tamyra Gray (AI1) signed to rep H&M Clothing (in a worldwide campaign that kicks off in Milan!) and K-Lo (Kimberley Locke, AI2) recently signed to rep Lane Bryant's Seven7 designer jeans.Fantasia, after winning AI3, launched two new shades of M.A.C. lipstick (Fantabulous1 and Fantabulous2, described, respectively, as "smoldering copper" and "full-on reddened bronze").And we all remember Ruben Studdard and his Flava jerseys.Okay, we won't go there.There are rumors (well, I'm hoping they are rumors) that Paula Abdul is considering augmenting her income by starting a clothing line, and we all know that Bo's Granny Madge has been in talks with a couple of companies to start a Bo Bice line.Which leads the rugrats-all-grown-up to immediately chant that they want a Bo Bice leather jacket and Bo Bice flip flops. To wear all at the same time, naturally.Then, going way back, there was someone named Ryan Starr (AI1).I saw Ryan once on a red carpet event (back when she went to red carpet events, and I don't mean to imply I was there in person----I just can't stand those Joan and Melissa twins!) and, when Ryan was asked what she was up to, she said---big surprise!---that she was designing a clothing line.(No, I mean it! It was a big surprise!)What I also remember about that interview is that Ryan stated that she had been contacted about the possibility of acting, either on tv or the big screen. I distinctly remember her saying, "Why would anybody think I want to act?" (or words to that effect).I dunno, that just struck me as so . . . profound. Why would anybody think I want to act? Whew. Just let that reverberate in your head for a while.I mean, there are so many layers to it.(Besides, I thought everybody wanted to act, at least once they got that first voicemail from the producer's "people.")Oh, and, by the way, that was too Ryan Star on Bravo's "Battle of the Reality Stars"! Oh, okay, yeah, but that was a reality show. So no acting there. My bad.Anyway, don't know what became of Ryan's clothing line, but Ryan says she's "loven life" and getting a lot of work---tv, music, writing songs---so I guess at some level American Idol worked its magic again.And, speaking of magical, it's nice to see Carrie getting another gem to add to her charm bracelet---Skechers contract going next to the Mustang convertible, the Marquis Private Jet Card, and, I think, sweetest of all: a custom-made guitar from Oklahoma.Alisa Everitt, a guitar crafter from Morgan Guitars near Skiatook, Oklahoma, delivered the guitar to Carrie in time for her to take it on the American Idols Live tour opening in Sunrise, Florida on July 12. (Unfortunately, Kelly Clarkson had to postpone Florida and Louisiana dates due to hurricane).The $5,000 Morgan acoustic beauty features "Carrie" written in pearl and surrounded by doves.That sounds real nice. And I'm sure Carrie is going to sound real nice on tour, too. Music32524@blogcritics.org Wed, 13 Jul 2005 20:20:23 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/07/07/102028.php StickerMy evil twin is attempting to get me to write about Paula Abdul and her tirade against nail salons, which I'm not saying was undeserved.And, believe me, as you know by now, I am an individual well aware of the snark potential in that storyline (talk about low-hanging fruit just ripe for the pickin').Nevertheless, even I draw the line at articles that venture too close to discussions of, well, nail fungus and stuff.I'll leave that to, say, Bill Nye the Science Guy. Yeah.No, what I think really needs to be said in relation to American Idol at this moment in time concerns Bo Bice and "Credible Rock Radio."Specifically, I'm keying on a felicitous---not---quote from a recent Rolling Stone, to wit the comment by a certain KROQ DJ Stryker, who opined:"Credible rock radio won't go near it" (by which I assume Stryker means American Idol and, therefore, Bo Bice's music, since Bo Bice came up through American Idol).(KROQ, Los Angeles, is the Credible Rock Radio station at the feet of which all other rock radio stations bow.)And that morsel of insight was under a Rolling Stone headline that blared: No Dice for Bo Bice? "Idol" runner-up faces an uphill battle to win over rock fans. Okay, let's take this one pebble at a time.First, let's consider who has been knocking down Bo Bice's dressing room door lately: Lynard Skynard, with whom Bo performed before a rollicking crowd in Helena, Alabama.The Ides of March, who fell all over themselves to praise Bo's rendition of their hit, "Vehicle" (in stores now).And Badlands, who---even before Bo blew up the AI house with his a cappella version of "In A Dream"---was pegging him as a rock frontman on their website.Then there's that little matter of Richie Sambora, one of the great rock guitarists of all time, who not only performed---and I do mean performed---on Bo's studio take of "Vehicle," but Richie also is swinging his axe live behind Bo when Bo does Leno ("The Tonight Show with Jay Leno") on July 6th. So my first point is that while Rolling Stone and the Kevin & Bean-ers at KROQ in L.A. appear---quite sincerely, I might add---to continue to foster the myth that there is credible and non-credible rock 'n roll these days, actual Credible Rock Musicians are lining up and taking a number to "go near" Bo Bice's music.And that means . . .?It means that it doesn't matter what a person sings or how he sings it.To The Establishment, including Credible Rock Radio (yes, Virginia, they becometh what they claim to abhoreth), your music is the least thing that matters in determining your "credibility."Frankly, what really matters is whether your star was created by---you guessed it---The Establishment (which includes Credible Rock Radio and which does not include American Idol, since AI deigns to allow the unwashed masses to vote).Then and only then is your star as a frontman for rock---for [[cough, cough]] rebellion and anti-establishmentarianism and non-conformity and questioning authority and espousing power to the people---bona fide.IOW, so sayeth The Establishment:A rocker is "credible" only to the extent he or she was developed through establishment modes.Huh?And seriously, didn't all this get started simply because Bo happened to have long hair?I mean, really, if Bo Bice had had the exact same voice and stagecraft and musical tastes he does have, but he looked like Clay Aiken rather than a distant cousin of ZZ Top, do you think it would even have occurred to the American Idol TPTB, including Simon-Paula-Randy, to categorize Bo Bice as a "rocker"?No, Simon-Paula-Randy would have said the same thing to Bo that they said to Mr. Aiken: "Wow! How does that big, rich, powerful voice come out of that skinny white body?" (or words to that effect).Simon-Paula-Randy never would have told Bo Bice in a Clay Aiken body---regardless that he was still Bo Bice and sang like Bo Bice and performed like Bo Bice, "Wow! Finally, American Idol has a real rocker on board!"Why not? Because it's not about the music.(Actually, try this at home, folks, under the influence of a good set of headphones: take the long hair and gnarly image away and Bo's voice sounds remarkably similar to that lovable old crooner, the antithesis of rock, the anti-adolescent angst crooner, the ever-bon vivant Tom Jones.And just what is Tom Jones up to these days? Well, if you want to hear him sing, but don't want to pony up the big bucks, just tune in the Cartoon Network and check out the opening theme song on "Duck Dodgers."Oh, yes, it is too him!I'm serious: don't miss it.And if you do want to pony up the big bucks, Tom is still out there croonin' and the ladies are still swoonin.'Which leads me to observe: I thought during that particular period in American history (a/k/a The Heyday of Tom Jones) women were burning bras. But, no! They were throwing bras! At Tom Jones! While he sang lyrics such as, "talking about the little lady, and the lady is mine /Oh-oh-oh-OH!"But I digress.)Recently I spoofed on the very idea of attempting to classify a singer as a "rocker" and then to use that label as a standard against which to evaluate the singer's "credibility."It's one thing to say a person is a "rocker," as in he likes rock music, which fundamentally is this:music usually set to four-four time, with emphasis on the second and fourth beats, and with the major sound produced on guitars, bass and drums. It's quite another thing to attach a comprehensive, and more or less rigid, set of personal standards and industry biases (determined by . . . who?) to the term "rocker" and then to judge that person, and consequently his music, accordingly.Of course, there are people---again, quite sincerely---who argue that rock basically is a religion, that it is---I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--- a "central and coherent ideology, as viable as any other ideology competing for primacy on the world intellectual stage," and that it is (or must be) a "self-contained 'movement' that adherents choose to join."Okaay. (Acutally, David Townsend---relation to Peter?---you do an interesting analysis there, my man.)But you know what?This is the only way judging a singer's "credibility" as a "rocker" can make sense: if rock is indeed a club with a Big Rule Book by which The Establishment (a/k/a Credible Rock Radio) judges just who is and who is not a club member in good standing.And, may I remind that, in this scene the actual music is the least consequential factor in determining whether a person is "in" (i.e., "credible") or "out" (i.e., not "credible").If this were not true, Bo Bice's version of "Vehicle"---a wondrous, rollicking, head-thumping rendition of a "credible" rock hit by a "credible" rock band sung by a great rock singer backed by a great and "credible" rock guitarist loaded with "credible" hard rock riffs---would be all over Credible Rock Radio.But it's not.The prob comes in because, like all Establishments, the people in The Establishment are the last to know that the gig is up.They continue to think that they are the gatekeepers, the holders of the magic pixie dust, the Be All and End All. That it is impossible to breathe, much less flourish, without their bureaucratic imprimatur of "authenticity."Rubbish and quaint snobbery, I say!Fact: there was a time in human history when rock, at least for many people, was a movement and a lifestyle (though, fortunately for the next generation, it was a somewhat vicarious lifestyle for most).But that's just not true today.Rock today is not a movement, a club, a lifestyle, an ideology, or a statement. Individual songs, or even bands, may fulfill those functions or serve that purpose for some people, but rock itself is now one of many musical genres.It is one of 1,929 music channels on America's dish network.Sirius sat radio, for example, lists seemingly endless rock categories. Early Classic Rock, Later Classic Rock, Deeper Classic Rock. Jam Bands. Classic Hard Rock, Pure Hard Rock, Alternative Rock, Classic Alternative Rock, Hair Bands.And then there's Kid Rock, who sometimes sings with Sheryl Crow, who is listed under Adult Album Rock.Even the incredibly iconic Long Hair of Rock no longer rocks---certainly it doesn't rock, i.e., shake up, the world in any way, shape or form.You see a man with long hair today, you might think he's an artiste or possibly that he makes coffee at Borders (or that he stars in a cable access show broadcast out of his basement and complains that his parents, with whom he still lives, forbid him from listening to his rock music at the "appropriate" volume).But you don't immediately flash to scenes of protest marches, campus sit-ins, "flower power" bumper stickers or experimental spoken word fusion discs about lizards (thanks, Jim Morrison).Hello, this is not 1969. Long hair simply doesn't stand for allegiance to rebellion. It doesn't shout anti-establishmentarianism. It doesn't register resistance to The Man.It is just another personal fashion expression, a choice or a happenstance among an infinite array of personal expressions. It takes its meaning, if any, from the individual, not from a movement.I mean, my plumber has long hair and he's such a Star Trek freak, he never got the joke in Galaxy Quest. Figure.Anyway, of course there will always be identity music, one of the attractions of which is the sheer idea of belonging to the club, complete with its own lingo and uniforms.Emo, for example---and not to be confused with the big bird or its other brother, Big Bird---like Goth and Punk (also known as "bands with a gloom edge") before it, has a dress code for members in good standing (naturally, however, it depends on whether you are going for the "indie emo look, the nerdy emo look or the dressy emo look").That's fine. At least there is an honesty there that conformity to community standards of dress and style is part of the fun.But to cling to the chorus that your music stands for rebellion and freedom and anti-establishmentarianism and "doing your own thang"---but then to dismiss a singer as "not credible" simply because he was discovered outside the mainstream of The Establishment (including Credible Rock Radio)---in fact, discovered mostly by the people---well, the mind boggles.Fortunately, la de da, as Simon Cowell said, Bo Bice won't need the self-appointed Credible Rock Radio to succeed. But then again, the time is coming when, who will?*** idolhabit HOME *** Music32182@blogcritics.org Thu, 7 Jul 2005 10:20:28 EDT