http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Mon, 9 Jan 2006 16:02:53 EST http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/01/09/160253.php SharkGreetings, Dear Readers.I must apologize for the large gap in recent and timely satirical essays; I've been busy celebrating the holidays by drinking the economy toward a swift, although "jobless" Recovery. Sadly to report, in the process of trying to boost the profits of the spirits industry, my personal "recovery" has been set back a few months.Surely this is nothing new to you, my fellow semi-alcoholic Americans. And like you, I started around Thanksgiving Day -- continued to drink through the "War on Christmas" and the Bowl-Game-o-Thon -- and am only beginning to taper off -- whereupon I hope to trade Good Cheer for a large dose of the Delirium Tremors -- well... that, and renew my membership in either a Health Club or a Rehab Clinic -- depending on the level of damage done and my honesty toward myself and my family.Hell, after dealing with lots of family, friends, and those 3 A.M. end-of-the-year bouts of self-examination, I'm just thankful to be alive! At this time of year, one either drinks and goes home -- or drinks and hangs oneself with the Christmas lights. As you can tell, once again, I've opted for the more painful of the two options. And if you're reading this, you must have made the same, unpalatable decision. You have my sympathies.The Liver Is Evil and Must Be PunishedFlitting from party to party, I've noticed a new phenomena, one of those cultural fads that returns with cyclic regularity: everyone seems to be drinking "Martinis" again. And somehow, a rip-roarin' brain-damagin' drink is more aesthetically pleasing when it is sipped from a $150 crystal work of art labeled "Waterford".People are finding that swiggin' from a can of Keystone is not near as impressive, sexy, or attractive as sipping on a hand-blown glass sculpture purchased at the MOMA gift shop. No, as usual with Ugly Americans, it's NOT the journey or the destination that's important; it's the means of transportation! Anyone can get drunk, but not everybody can afford to do it from an inverted chandelier designed by a dead Bauhaus architect. But these are not your fathers' (or grandfathers') martinis; y'know -- the ones accompanied by a Sinatra tune, a filterless Pell Mell cigarette, and tasted like old lighter fluid? No, these are wimpy little things for adults who refuse to grow up, but still want to pretend they're members of the Vegas Rat Pack. These new "martinis" are closer to alcoholic candy. They come in "flavors" like vanilla, orange, cranberry, and peppermint. They're perfect for the typical young, health-conscious, pre-diabetes consumer: they sound safe, they taste safe, and they allow one to binge on booze and sugar at the same time! W.C. Fields meets Willy Wonka.This is yet another innovation of that Glorious Unregulated Free Market. Hard booze consumption has been in a steep decline over the last few years -- and in order to boost a sagging market share -- manufacturers figured out that the best way to appeal to a nation of alcoholic Peter Pans was to make 80 Proof taste like it came from a soda fountain -- and then advertise during the X Games.So thus, much to my traditional and manly dismay, every party I attended this season was crammed with people who appeared to be the end result of a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" makeover of a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.What the hell's wrong with a shot glass of tequila or a long-neck of Shiner Bock?! America is really in deep trouble, folks. And where's Dino when ya need him?Authenticity... Tradition... Salut! Tastes42045@blogcritics.org Mon, 9 Jan 2006 16:02:53 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/01/02/073702.php Shark"You like me! You really like me!"Whoops, wrong meeting.This year, one of Blogcritics esteemed editors [read "unemployed web designer") decided to post a spot highlighting the best of satire from The Onion and a couple of BC contributors.Shockingly, I was left off the list.So in order to introduce new visitors to my vast array of funnies, to assist old friends in finding out what I did in 05, and to continue my record of egotistical, self-serving acts in public, here's Shark's BEST SATIRE from 2005.Which really means it's the best satire on Blogcritics from 05.Sorry, that's just the honest ta gawd truth. I would apologize for being so blatantly over-the-top with the shameless, self-serving ego bit, but look, asshole, this is what BLOGGING IS ALL ABOUT: standing on a street corner wearing a tin-foil and yelling and slobbering at passersby has been replaced by a fat typist slobbering over a keyboard and a modem.Anyway, 2005 was the worst year of my relatively long life -- and it wasn't such a swell year for America, freedom, foreign policy, and lying Republican demagogues either. As the new year begins, I make the same resolution I make every year:NOT TO KILL ANYONE DURING THE NEXT 365 DAYS.Some might think that's not much of a challenge -- but for me, it would be easier to start an all-veg diet, quit smoking, start jogging 10 miles every day, and resolve to attend church every Sunday.The Good News: It's January 2... and I haven't killed anybody yet.But the day is young, motherfucker, the day is young. WHAT THE BLOGCRITICS EDITORS DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE! Culture41701@blogcritics.org Mon, 2 Jan 2006 07:37:02 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/15/070519.php SharkSince Katrina came ashore on August 29th, 2005, the 'war' in Iraq has claimed another 18 American lives in the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction, bringing the total American dead to 2,094. (Total WMDs found: still zero)There have been more American casualties since 9/11/05, [this essay dated 9/15/05] but this listing is as current as available.==========09/11/05 Campbell, Jeremy M. Specialist 21 years old, U.S. Army 108th Military Police Co., 503rd M.P. Bat., 16th M.P. Brig. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Baghdad HOME: Middlebury Pennsylvania US09/11/05 Arcala, Kurtis Dean K. Sergeant 22 years old, U.S. Army 2nd Battalion, 7th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Tikrit HOME: Palmer Alaska US09/07/05 NAME NOT RELEASED YET Not reported yet U.S. Army assigned to 2nd Force Service Support Group Non-hostile - unspecified accident Camp Taqaddum (nr. Al Habbaniyah)09/07/05 Everett, Christopher L. Staff Sergeant 23 years old, U.S. Army National Guard 2nd Battalion, 112th Armor Reg., 56th Brig. Combat Team Non-hostile - unspecified accident Camp Taqaddum (nr. Al Habbaniyah) HOME: Huntsville Texas US09/06/05 Martens, Robert N. Hospitalman 20 years old, U.S. Navy assigned to 2nd Marine Division Non-hostile - vehicle accident Al Qaim (nr. Syrian border) HOME: Queen Creek Arizona US09/06/05 Vilorio, Franklin R. Sergeant 26 years old, U.S. Army Brigade Troops Bat., Division Spt. Brig., 3rd Infantry Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Baghdad (central part) HOME: Miami Florida US09/06/05 Jonaus, Jude R. Staff Sergeant 27 years old, U.S. Army Brigade Troops Bat., Division Spt. Brig., 3rd Infantry Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Baghdad (central part) HOME: Miami Florida US09/05/05 Williams, Luke C. Specialist 35 years old, U.S. Army 3rd Squadron, 7th Cavalry Reg., 2nd Brig., 3rd Inf. Div. Non-hostile - vehicle accident Baghdad HOME: Knoxville Tennessee US09/05/05 Bohling, Matthew Charles Sergeant 22 years old, U.S. Army 2nd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Ramadi HOME: Eagle River Alaska US09/05/05 Williams, Jeffrey A. Specialist 20 years old, U.S. Army Support Squadron, 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Tall Afar (nr. Mosul) HOME: Warrenville Illinois US09/02/05 Parson, Lonnie J. Sergeant 1st Class 39 years old, U.S. Army 3rd Squadron, 7th Cavalry Reg., 2nd Brig., 3rd Inf. Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Baghdad HOME: Norcross Georgia US09/01/05 Draughn Jr., George Ray Sergeant 29 years old, U.S. Army National Guard 108th Cavalry Reg., 48th Infantry Brig., 3rd Infantry Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Al Mahmudiyah HOME: Decatur Georgia US09/01/05 Hollar Jr., Robert Lee Staff Sergeant 35 years old, U.S. Army National Guard 108th Cavalry Reg., 48th Infantry Brig., 3rd Infantry Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Al Mahmudiyah Griffin HOME: Georgia US08/31/05 Ames, Jason E. Specialist - 21 years old U.S. Army 3rd Battalion, 21st Infantry Reg., 1st Brig., 25th Inf. Div. Non-hostile - unspecified cause Mosul HOME: Kentucky US08/31/05 Ruth, Monta S. Sergeant 26 U.S. Army 1st Bat., 15th Infantry Reg., 3rd Brigade, 3rd Infantry Div. Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Samarra (SE of)08/30/05 Fester, Gregory J. Major 41 years old, U.S. Army Reserve Army Civil Affairs and Psychological Operations Command Hostile - hostile fire - IED attack Iskandariyah08/29/05 Rubado, Charles R. 2nd Lieutenant 23 years old, U.S. Army 1st Squadron, 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment Hostile - hostile fire - sniper Tall Afar HOME: Clearwater Florida US08/29/05 Hay, Dennis P. Chief Warrant Officer 32 years old, U.S. Army 4th Squadron, 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment Hostile - hostile fire Tall Afar Valdosta HOME: Georgia US========Yesterday was the worst day in Baghdad since the American invasion, (btw: it continues this A.M. as I type this!) and it's apparent that we're no longer in a "war", an "occupation", a "liberation", an exercise in "nation building", or an attempt to "foster democracy in the Middle East"; we're in the middle of a CIVIL WAR between Sunnis, Shiites, and peripherally, Kurds.This civil war is one of the "worst case scenarios" predicted by the CIA shortly after Bush's Blunder began. Other predictions that have come true:• Bush's Blunder (IRAQ) has become an international training center for future Urban Guerrilla [Islamic/Jihadist] Terrorists;• Bush's Blunder (IRAQ) has become the perfect marketing tool for Bin Laden/Al Kayda: it's a commercial that runs 24/7 during an unending Islamic Super Bowl broadcast. ("The Infidel Crusaders -vs- "Muhammed's Martyrs" in the final showdown of contemporary civilization.) American soldiers on Middle Eastern soil in an unpopular, unwinnable quagmire is a GIFT to Bin Laden of monumental proportions -- the gift that will keep on giving well into the 21st century.• Bush's Blunder (IRAQ) is well on its way to becoming some form of a "democratically elected" Islamic theocracy.• Bush's Blunder (IRAQ) has become -- via the process of "democracy" -- a political, spiritual, military, and economic ally of one of Bush's AXIS OF EVIL states, IRAN.• Bush's Blunder has drained the American economy of over $200 BILLION -- and the end is not in sight.• Bush's Blunder has decimated U.S. military recruiting goals, along with National Guard capabilities. (Imagine leaving your tent in Baghdad for a tent in your hometown of New Orleans...)• Bush's Blunder has marginalized Afghanistan (the real home of the "war on terror") both in terms of resources allocated and time spent pondering by American politicians and public.• Bush's Blunder has weakened the political strength of at least two other important 'friendly' nations: Saudi Arabia and Egypt.Bush's Blunder has laid the foundation for a horrible confrontation in the 21st century; it has escalated the political and strategic strength of Al Kayda and other ad hoc Islamic/Jihadist terrorists.It is an inspiration, a rallying point, and a recruiting tool for those enemies of America. (And some impatient, frustrated right-wing redneck ADD-addled Americans are even suggesting the U.S. use NUCLEAR WEAPONS to clear up that little blemish on the face of the Middle East!)Bush's Blunder in Iraq turned the 9/11 tragedy on its head; a handful of Islamic terrorists has increased by the thousands -- if not millions. (An American CIA official described the effect of the Iraq war on terrorists: "It's like we hit a drop of quicksilver with a hammer.") We're weaker, more vulnerable, more hated, and running low on resources.In Iraq, Bush's Blunder has created yet another anarchic Islamic nation, the twin monster of Afghanistan, and a festering cancer on the future of the planet. The results of this mistake will haunt future generations of Americans -- long after Bush has gone to Hell and taken a front row seat next to his TV evangelist friends and supporters.What's really sad is that no one can fix it. Kerry couldn't have changed the equation; Hillary, Biden, McCain, Frist (gawd forbid)... no one can do anything to alter the initial blunder: In the Bush Administration's blind zeal to take out Saddam, they opened up Pandora's Box -- and the evil cannot be put back. Politics36211@blogcritics.org Thu, 15 Sep 2005 07:05:19 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/07/225936.php SharkShortly after President Bush's arrival, he made an impromptu speech to rescue workers gathered in New Orleans:"I can hear you, the rest of the world hears you, and the hurricane that knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon! Freedom and fear are at war. I will not forget this wound to our country or the low pressure weather pattern that inflicted it. I will not yield. I will not rest. Mother Nature, bring it on!"Later, under a half-submerged banner that read "Mission Accomplished", the President announced plans to invade the Pacific Ocean, even though Hurricane Katrina originated in the Atlantic and gained strength in the Gulf of Mexico. Politics35695@blogcritics.org Wed, 7 Sep 2005 22:59:36 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/06/190111.php Shark1) Hurricane Katrina was caused by:a) a low pressure area that moved west from the coast of Africa -- gaining power as it moved into the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. b) the Bush administration's refusal to sign the Kyoto Accords. c) elitist, left-wing blowhards spewing too much empty hot air from the liberal elitist East Coast of the U.S. d) Pat Robertson praying to God -- asking Him to assassinate the President of Venezuela -- but God apparently has a shitty aim.2) FEMA and the Federal Government response was slow because:a) they didn't understand the magnitude of the destruction. b) they weren't asked by local Democratic officials until it was too late. c) they were busy installing Port-A-Potties for the upcoming "Freedom March" celebration staged by the Pentagon in memory of 9/11. d) the hurricane didn't resemble an Arabian Horse Competition.3) New Orleans was built in a bowl below sea level because:a) it was at the mouth of what was then the Mississippi River -- and the most important commercial shipping center in North America. b) the view was great! c) its Christian founders had convinced the locals that the earth was flat. d) they figured the surrounding higher elevations would make a good wind-break in the event of a hurricane.4) The people unable to evacuate New Orleans were primarily:a) people too poor to afford cars, bus tickets, or other means to leave. a) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Negroes. b) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Democrats. c) wanting to get a free trip to Texas.5) The standing water in New Orleans primarily contains:a) feces and trash. b) toxic chemicals and building materials. c) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Negro Democrats. d) about the same stuff as is currently allowed by EPA standards for drinking water that were 'relaxed' once Bush took office.6) Katrina caused oil prices to go higher because:a) of damage to drilling platforms and refineries in the Gulf of Mexico. b) of damage to pipelines between the Gulf Coast and New England. c) the Enron Building in Houston will be used as housing for evacuees -- and somebody's gotta pay for it! d) Sorry! "d" has been vetted by Dick Cheney's office and will remain "Classified" based on his claim of "Executive Privilege" -- and fuck off if you don't like it!7) Bush will expedite the investigation into what went wrong with FEMA and the initial federal response because:a) he wants to protect America from future disasters. b) he learned a lot about lying, misinformation, distractions, scapegoating, and delays from the 9/11 Commission's inquiry. c) he wants to blame the local Democratic administrators for everything. d) it takes heat off Karl Rove/Plamegate, the ongoing disaster in Iraq, and the Cindy Sheehan situation.8) The future of New Orleans should be determined by:a) its residents. b) the Federal Government -- which will have to foot the bill. c) a national referendum. d) the French Quarter's timely ability to deliver beer, prostitutes, and drunk topless vacationers back on a relatively clean and dry Bourbon Street.SCORINGadd up your total based on the following values:a = 1 b = 2 c = 3 d = 40 - 8 -- You're a genius -- and you've been watching WAY too much FOX News. 9 - 16 -- You're a left-wing socialist pinko who gets most of your marching orders from Moveon.org. 17 - 25 -- You're a racist, right-wing, reactionary nut-bar who wears camo outfits, eats undercooked squirrel brains, and attends neo-nazi meetings in an underground Survivalist bunker. 26 - 36 -- You're a genius! and you've been watching WAY too many Micheal Moore documentaries. Politics35596@blogcritics.org Tue, 6 Sep 2005 19:01:11 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/03/154013.php Shark[sung to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun"]Well our Prez went down to New Orleans They call the him the Idiot Son -- And he's been the ruin of many a country And God I know we're one.His mother was named Barbara Her vagina shoulda been sewed. His father now looks like a liberal, it'd be better if he'd spilled his load.He said, "The the only thing a Negro needs is a Superdome and a bath, And the only time the GOP is satisfied Is when I'm on a war path."------ organ solo ------ Oh mother tell your children Not to vote like we have done Spend your lives in a jobless economy In the Land of the Idiot Son. Well, I got one foot in the water and one foot in the grave. I'm tryin' to get outta New Orleans FEMA, please come to save! Well our Prez went down to New Orleans They call the Idiot Son And he staged a cute little photo op And got back on Air Force One.==== lyrics by Shark: performing nightly @ blogcrictics.org ==== Politics35417@blogcritics.org Sat, 3 Sep 2005 15:40:13 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/09/02/073711.php SharkHmmm... I wonder......I wonder what $200 BILLION and 130,000 military troops could do for New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. ...I wonder if anyone else finds the following disturbingly ironic: Thousands of pounds of contributions are being delivered to a Dallas Refugee Center -- and they're being protected by armed policemen. Why? Because the materials meant for the homeless people in the wake of Katrina are being pilfered by HOMELESS people from Dallas. Welcome to the American Twilight Zone....I wonder where all the US GOVERNMENT resources are? I wonder why the government wasn't prepared for this. I wonder why the greatest US deficit in history is financing the rebuilding of Iraq -- and thousands of people in New Orleans haven't had a drink of water in four days.I wonder... ...Bush and Cheney only come out of their vacation bunkers when it's time to start a fake war or raise a few hundred million dollars for their reelection campaign. They're usually as hard to find as bottled water on the Gulf Coast. They're almost as scarce as gasoline in America, but hey, I can spit out my window and hit a request for CASH.Here's the deal, America:I can't donate to help with Katrina. And according to my tax returns, I already did.So let the rich GOP fucks who got the big tax breaks donate. Let Bush & Co tap into the $200+ billion being poured down that hellhole in Vietn...um, Iraq.Send some Humvees to New Orleans instead of Hano...um, Baghdad.Fuck Bush. It's day five. Where the hell is he? Where the hell are the US RESOURCES? Why weren't they lined up Sunday night waiting to go in and do some triage on a major American city and a few dozen minor ones?BUSH is the leader. Top Dog. Commander in Chief. His people are in need. His nation has been "attacked". Why hasn't Bush trotted out Guiliani and stood with the New Orleans firemen on a pile of dead bloated bodies on Canal Street vowing, "Mother Nature will hear from us!"Fuck Bush and the voters he rode in on -- ironically, THE SAME PEOPLE who don't want to pay taxes and DO want "Government Out of Our Lives."BTW: I CAN'T DONATE to the fund; I'm fucking BROKE. I don't have A DIME TO SPARE.In 2000 -- when Bush came into office -- I was an upper-middle class guy with a great job. Now I'm barely employed and have NO health insurance. Yeah, me and 45 MILLION OTHER AMERICANS.I'm also paying some $3 a gallon for my little gas-saving Nissan to cart me to my barely above minimum wage, part-time, no benefits job.I'm worried about my own family's survival......SO ASK THE FUCKING RICH to donate. Ask my boss to donate. Ask the GOP PACS to donate. Ask Bush's Reelection Committee to donate.Ask those FAITH-BASED prayer mongers to wave their fucking magic wands over this disaster.Offer some prayers. (Guess the ones you offered BEFORE Katrina struck didn't work, huh?)Ask the overpaid, underworked rich-ass CEOs to donate.Ask the assholes in this country who supported Cowboy Bush and his $200+ BILLION BAGHDAD BOONDOGGLE to cough up some cash.I ain't got it.===== [Note: This was posted to take some heat off of Blogcritics writer Blunderford -- and give you folks at least one more "leftist" to hate and bombard with death threats. heh. Compassionate Conservatives: BRING 'EM ON!]ed:NB - caps out of headline Politics35317@blogcritics.org Fri, 2 Sep 2005 07:37:11 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/31/183702.php SharkDO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A BLOGCRITIC? Take the Test!1) I started my own blog because:a) I'm over thirty, still live in my mother's basement, and she never listens to me -- even when I'm off my meds. b) I'm under thirty, have lots of friends, but no one understands me. c) my incredibly boring life sounds much more interesting in print. d) I hope to be the next "Drudge". 2) I'm qualified to write for 400,000 readers a week because:a) a number of my family members think my poetry chapbook "rocks." b) I have nothing to say, but I'm very articulate. c) they're probably just as bored and barely literate as I am. d) I really do know the Top 100 Guitarists. Really. 3) My favorite phrase is:a) Well Duh! b) Grow up! c) Ignore him; he's just another troll! d) I refuse to undertake a battle of wits with an unarmed man. 4) I refer to my political opponents as:a) Liberal, leftist America haters b) Right-wing Christian Fascists c) Nazis (can either be liberal or conservative) d) window-lickin' asswipe motards. 5) I think the greatest threat to the future of America is:a) gay marriage, abortion, and Satan's control of all popular culture b) Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, and Satan's control of all branches of government c) the biased mass media (can either be liberal or conservative) d) high taxes, government regulations, and people who've never read Ayn Rand 6) I grew up with:a) classic films, great books, all types of music, and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. b) Pokemon, role-playing games, video games, and chronic Attention Deficit Disorder. c) a deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem. d) a family of violent, perverted, meth-addicted televangelists. 7) My religious beliefs can be summed up by saying:a) Just read John 3:16 ...and all you others can go to Hell! b) I'm not religious, but I am very spiritual. c) I've thought about joining a Wiccan cult group -- just to get laid once in a while. d) God made me highly skeptical. 8) Most of my personal blog is about:a) Pop culture, especially new movies, books, and CDs. b) Politics, especially the latest long-term solutions offered by both major parties. c) what I did last night with my alcoholic, sexually-diseased friends. d) pets. 9) At my high school, Community Junior College, or some obscure minor university, I was:a) a journalist b) an editor c) a columnist d) all of the above -- ...okay, screw you; I used to proofread marketing materials for my local Meals on Wheels. 10) Although I had those wonderful, professional-type experiences, I'm currently:a) a computer techie who wants to be an entrepreneur someday. b) a stay-at-home mom who is working on the next Great American Novel. c) a musician living off my girlfriend. d) unemployed -- and about one stroke of bad luck away from getting a high-powered rifle and finding a nearby water tower with a good view of passing school buses. 11) If I were to name one of my personality faults that could have a negative impact on Blogcritics.org, it would be:a) I'm racist. b) I'm a homophobe. c) I'm a misogynist. d) I can Google, cut, and paste like a motherfucker! 12) Among the following, the most important subject for me to write about for Blogcritics readers would be:a) a disaster that killed thousands of innocent Americans. b) the threat of nuclear destruction from Fascist rogue-states. c) the ongoing debate about the aging population, threats to Social Security, and various attempts to increase health insurance. d) J. Lo's latest music video. 13) If I could wave a wand and exterminate one person without guilt, punishment, or retribution, I would pick:a) Osama Bin Laden b) George W. Bush c) President Chavez AND Pat Robertson d) the dude who left Slash off The 100 Top Guitarists List. Idiot.========Scoring: a = 1 b = 2 c = 3 d = 40-13 -- Go back to that proofreading job. 14-26 -- You belong over at FreeRepublic or CodePink. 27-35 -- You belong in an insane asylum. Let's hope they don't allow you access to a keyboard and a modem. 36+ -- You're not a Blogcritics writer: you should be contributing to the Mensa Newsletter.======Other Sharkian Questions for the Curious: "ARE YOU A RACIST? Take the Test!" Culture35199@blogcritics.org Wed, 31 Aug 2005 18:37:02 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/30/141014.php SharkLore of Bad Gold (The Exploits of an Aquatic Predator)I am sorry, Dear Reader, and apologize in advance. *There is a place where blood runs in rivers, tributaries of synapse connections that fuel the fateful flames, lighting fires in distant villages, heating the cold bones of sleeping villagers who are lost and never awaken. (And I must describe it to you now, because&#8212like the wind that blows through a fat bloated forest&#8212there will come a Fall when the snow rapts itself around your throat, stilling the day that has shortened until it no longer occurs&#8212and that, my Friend, would be a loss greater than God's missing Manual&#8212the thing that holds secrets, answers, maps, and Reasons for Existing &#8212the Operational Directions to a messy mistake of a universe.)These villages, though doomed&#8212unseen&#8212obscure&#8212should not be seen, they are illuminated in the relentless logos of my spleen's dark daydreams&#8212and it is for this Reason that they are valuable and tend to stir the somnambulistic crowds toward a revolution of disgust and mistrust, the two Pillars of Honesty that are buried beneath the long sands of a sick Civilization which has only fossils for meals.They are unsightly, to be sure, but because of that, They must be seen, lapped up, licked, ladled, loved&#8212and most of all: Consumed. (They taste like blood, but that is better to salt the soul, similar to the taste of tears that often escape our dim perceptions. Flavorful. Fulfilling. Finality. Foreseen.)It is your sad obligation to see it through, to taste these distasteful realities, for the Truth is always choking oxygen from the fish-like Men who refuse to listen while swimming in unknown Seas of Displeasure. Someday, they may emerge&#8212dripping from the mother's dark placental fissures&#8212draining their confidence in sad drops toward an eternal beach that resembles atomic particles with no discernible boundaries&#8212and then, in a miraculous move that heralds a dawn not seen since Adam was evicted from the Garden of Unknowing&#8212they will sprout temporary legs, find their fanciful hands (which will later be used primarily for masturbation and murder on a gigantic scale), wave them around like deaf beggars suddenly perceiving the existence of a Heavenly Cosmic Aria, speaking in tongues which can hopefully grasp a few fertile breasts, white marble dissolving on the shores of an encompassing Sleep.(This is Our Organ: tune it with your heart.)She is the silent soprano&#8212with no sails to speak of&#8212but we must hear Her Flight&#8212for one glance outside (through the window of one's fears) confirms a soft impression of wings in the snow: this will be the map of our future fortunes, a guide to the streets of those radiant villages, a stark resolution that graveyards are only for the dead. (Stay away, you Living!)Use my compass, here!&#8212Hold it close to your beating breast (imagine my lips and the drain of sleep!)&#8212and find the radial extensions of those Cardinal Points that so desperate (and cruel!) try to avoid your lust. We will find them. Rope them like legless beasts in a hunt of molasses, like a starving locust bound to your neck, like a snake emerging from a dark hole into the light of God's Barbed Wire. Be patient with me, Dear Reader, the prison is inside your head&#8212I come with a spoon&#8212and welcome to The World.*In this divine kitchen, where mistakes erupt as galaxies and mute monstrous manifestations, God is sorry, head-hanging, bad baker, a restless snake trying to eat its own tail, a fish monger trying for some cosmic gravy that, miraculously, will become manifest without those unsightly lumps of Common Man with somnambulant scales not so easily removed. It is To Be.He despairs to find no normal customers, no normal-average occupants, and thus conspires to reach a recipe that will make this maniac's menu seem all the more meaningful.Inquiries: not of kings, priests, preachers, pederasts: no, questions are thrown at cooking utensils, a fishing expedition that will bring to the surface the antidotes to those common cliches; Our's is not to stumble through the ridiculous mazes that replicate themselves wherever an optical nerve alights. No, Our Sacred Duty is to question certain unobserved devices that can promise an avenue, as yet, unexplored.Memorized streets are the most dangerous. Cliches can kill. Sleep is Her attractive Brother, offering arms of seduction, mattresses of monotony, minotaurs of blind-unquestioned ambitions, the inevitable death of all who live, having been born into the barn of bad intentions where unconscious moss grows between the folds of boring brains and habitual hay.I do not seek the Masters, those keepers of the drawn lids, whose goal is to lull you into lullabies that have wooden floors hovering just below promised palaces of imaginary clouds. Give up those futile wings. Give up those abandoned pleasures. Give up those apartments, forgo your deposits, release yourself from that fatal lease.Explore the depths of my new kitchen, ask questions of electric devices, call out to modern conveniences that help one to bake bread, awaken to music, break the fast, jar the nerves, pry past the potent pain killers, offer oneself to a meal of perfect eggs.When is a can opener like a prophet? When the jar, trepanned brain, tin drum sounding on a life-long tympani, symphonic seasonings, head opened to let in light finally falls to the floor, earth dark dust defining a better deal?Both need electricity, a vein from elsewhere that promises shocks, a buzzing sound that signals the end of sleep, when the container is ripped from reality, prying light from darkness, letting in air, answering with the promise of toast, fish, or a sweet song of jelly, mad marmalade, tomato thoughts salted, extracted, and garnished with garlic?*Ignoring potential prophets, garrulous gurus&#8212we go for the place where meals are made, where the Maniac's menus are often assembled, where the righteous recipes (leading inevitably to naked fools and fancy snakes!) are realigned for a Rebellious Reality."Kill the Landlord before He evicts you! Eat the snake that bears the fruit!"That First Light was nothing more than diarrhea motivated by a bad meal of Ambition and a Longing for Servants&#8212an Audience to worship a foolish Whim, a bedpan waiting to hold our dreams.Exit that all-too-common Theatre, shout "FIRE!", scare angels, watch them trample black-baked wings as They head for the exit doors of newly constructed Eyes and Ears!(That is The Gift!)Everything that has come before is but a lullaby for dead babies. Remove your lips from electric breasts, return to the can-opener, be Not Afraid to push the button&#8212release the fire&#8212that distant stream of electrical impulses which whisper on the shore of a pantry filled with Paradise.Oh, Can-Opener! What can you tell us!?Peel back the sheetrock, hammer home the cranial connections, bring your trowel and taste the time; smooth the mud that accumulates on a wrinkled brow. (Picture frame: "Eat Me!")My nails are metal now. My nails are destined for the palms of God -- that crazy Chef whose recipes run with corruption the moment an author attracts common sentences like flys around a dusty rotting corpse. * MENUS: Morning &#8211 sunlight, the songs of a sad bird singing for a lost nest; the eggs of longing, the crash of wind that beats the shells, skinned, sunburned, salted, sad&#8212emerging with tired eyes&#8212hoping to avoid the Predator's glare.Noon &#8211 three beers away from sunrise. Four beers away from a pornographic parade of dull zombies knitting words and wings. Five beers away from the arrival of angels&#8212a hot tub filled with jealous vaginas, three sisters lining the lungs of a lamb.The lungs retreat, a trinity of teachers&#8212who drill the dying A-B-Cs&#8212such a common killer caught in the distant dream of The Day&#8212which, to my eyes, is the only sexual connection sealed in wax and Man's impatient waiting.Dinner &#8211 the corpse of a swan bearing an anvil&#8212the heavy hammer of a winged Prick&#8212throbbing to settle The South, fleeing the weight of Winter. Migration &#8211 Our Destiny Vinegar &#8211 Your lips Salt &#8211 Your blood Sunrise &#8211 Your answer to My Insomnia&#8212a coffee cup into which The World is Poured, the inevitable activation of my Ripe Recipes.Midnight Snack &#8211 the vertigo of your Vagina, the soft spinning of a breast brushed&#8212the paintbrush of my soul&#8212a knitted nipple&#8212a tear sown between both our legs, the dream that danced just below the surface of an Ocean separated by Time and the sadistic sands of Destiny."I am always With You!"    &#8212So says God while We masturbate. "I am always there!"    &#8212So says God while we drift and drown. "I am the buoy that Comes in The Night!"    &#8212So says God when His feelings falter... "I am!"    &#8212So says God when We assemble a shrine made of piss and turpentine. "I Become Naked!"    &#8212So says God&#8212standing in the mirror&#8212exuding the oil of oranges and various fragile fruits, fulfilling your vision&#8212sweat glands&#8212the odor of a day fulfilled&#8212the end of a road&#8212wall of flesh&#8212bridge of moats&#8212the voice of the cottonwoods&#8212the sound of two boats: "Victory or Death!"&#8212hanging over the empty sky. *The table is set: and Now We come to the bread-knife: the flour blooming, the proof of Your Heat, a white vagina, the blade an eternal sharp-hardness&#8212whetted on the the skin of a maid&#8212hard like the anvil beating the Swan.She is full, feathered, fragrant; flight-prepared, a foregone Conclusion, a winter wasp wanting the Seeds of Summer: I am the Wing.She is The Wind.Her Earth holds my young dreams.*Epilogue: The Dangers of InsomniaApex night in the cool mausoleum friends have turned to stone families sleep in drowned aisles small children chased by wild animals in a dead yet haunted zone; cities are almost silent filled and stilled with renegades in metal wombs hats back in a restful descent.Nothing but static beating the concrete veins.I lie awake just this side of the interstate counting and naming the loop of sheep imagining tears for a meal of pets knowing that being alive at this hour leaves me standing by that shut door with open eyes ear pressed to the obstacle which holds for Us, a sleeping world of Them.Thus We are set apart by our optical curiosity and the relentless retinal intake.They are not My Tribe.Lids sewn open forever, doubting the imminent arrival of sleep, settle into my restless arms which at this hour resemble gods.* * * Edited: PC Books35109@blogcritics.org Tue, 30 Aug 2005 14:10:14 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/28/073648.php SharkShark Ponders the Imponderable -- and comes up with... * New Blogcritics Rule: You are not allowed to use the following phrases against your 'opponents' in Blogcritics comments:"Get a clue!""Grow up!""Newsflash...""Well Duh!""A recent report by Drudge said..."Any reference to "Koolaid" By using these phrases, Violators are offering explicit evidence that they have a cliched, unoriginal, colorless, drab, dull, insipid, interminable, irksome, lifeless, monotonous, stale, stodgy, stupid, tedious, tiresome, trite MIND. Your ISP will be banned, and you will be forced to read your own blog with a *Nazi Editor/Proofreader looking over your shoulder.(*Also: typing the word "Nazi" will also get you banned!)* Who was the first Art Museum Director in history to decide that stuffing your face was an integral part of the art museum experience?* Whenever you want to defeat or humiliate a political opponent, invoke 9/11 and add the phrase "Have you forgotten!?" Works every time!* The most distinguishing feature of the contemporary Universe: EVERYTHING is OVERDESIGNED and under-edited.* When I was a kid, olives came in jars with ALL OF THE PIMENTO facing OUTWARD. Questions: How did they do that? They don't do it anymore, and yet olives cost more than when they did. Why? * The internet -- while seen as the "democratization of information" -- has allowed billions of morons to upload their boring, semi-literate ramblings onto a world wide network where no one will read them. Ironic that the internet's greatest contribution to Humankind has been the obsolescence of the cute little personal, locked diary under a kid's bed. * Marshall McLuhan would probably see the internet as an extension of what human activity? Pissing in a bank of snow? Spray-painting a slogan in some obscure back-alley? Vomiting with a melody? Whistling via farts? * Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition. * Actually, a picture is worth very few words. * A moving picture is worth even fewer. * Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition. * "Absolutely!" is a pretentious way of saying "Yes." * George W. Bush reminds me of Nixon without the intelligence. * Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition. * Top Ten Guitarists: (criteria: virtuosity, originality, composition skills, historical significance) 1) Steve Morse 2) Django Rheinhardt 3) Jimi Hendrix 4) Stevie Ray Vaughn 5) John McLaughlin 6) Frank Zappa 7) Allan Holdsworth 8) Al DiMeola 9) Robert Johnson 10) V.M. Bhatt * The American population is aging -- 49 million Baby Boomers will soon be needing Depends, Viagra, and Health Insurance -- and yet the cultural landscape is designed for an audience of 14 year olds who make $100,000 a year. What's this about, anyway?* My first clue that something was wrong with The Voice of Authority: when I was a kid -- as with most young boys -- I loved Dinosaurs. Then one day in my Southern Baptist sunday school class, Genesis was explained. The world was made in seven days!? And not one mention of dinosaurs!? Fuck that. They're lying to me! They're makin' this shit up! (I began skipping classes and spending my "tithe" money on pinball and cigarettes.) * (Theme & Variations) ...Later, I found out that EVERY SINGLE BAPTIST "YOUTH MINISTER" was actually a pederast. There were no exceptions. I don't know if this still holds true today, but it was true back in the 1960s. (They were the Baptist version of Catholic "Priests") * Blogcritic's own esteemed, incredibly handsome patriotic American Libertarian Senatorial Candidate Al Barger looks exactly like Iraq's Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr.Do you think this shows that: (pick one)1) God has a sense of Irony.2) This is evidence for Intelligent Design.3) This is evidence against Intelligent Design. * Florida averages FOUR hurricanes per year; Lots of people move TO Florida, but has there ever been an instance where someone MOVED AWAY from Florida?If not, why not? * (Theme & Variations) Some studies suggest that people in warmer climates have less intelligence. Do you think this is true, and if you offer an opinion, please let us know where you live -- 'cause most southern yahoos are fucking idiots.* If lesbians are sexually attracted to women, why do so many of them end up with significant others who resemble men? Culture34944@blogcritics.org Sun, 28 Aug 2005 07:36:48 EDT