http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Tue, 10 Dec 2002 22:46:14 EST http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. 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Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/12/10/224614.php Laurence SimonI am dedicating this Carnival to Thurl Ravenscroft, without whom Kellogg's Frosted Flakes would be merely "Good!' or "Moderately decent!" or just plain "Not bad!"You've been waiting for this all week, and now it's finally here. It's the list of links you love, and especially love because you came up with them out of your own great content yourselves... it's the Carnival of the Vanities, Episode 12!Sure, Michele demanded that I include icons with these entries. Fine. I'm including icons, but I'm not going out of my way to find any that are animated. I mean, there's only so crazy I can go before I can't come back from the brink, right? Also, the load times will go from absurd do downright ludicrous.And we start with a subject that near and dear to me... YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWW!TEXAS: Everything Grey - Don't Mess With Texas: Somebody quick! Get this guy a digital camera now!World Wide Rant - TO HELL WITH YOU: For those that would bash the new coach of Texas A&M, all you have to do is aim the cannon at Kyle Field at the Aggies Bench and load it with live ammunition. Of course, the Aggies haven't scored a touchdown at home in ages, so you may just want to fill the Gatorade jug with sharks.HISTORY CHECK: Dissecting Leftism - A History Political Policy: Guess who promoted and promulgated the policy that John Ray cites. My guess was completely wrong (I thought that it was King Friday XIII of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood).TELEMARKETING CALL TO ARMS nikita demosthenes - Introduction to the world of telemarketing - Update: I remember listening to this sales pitch about selling knives door to door, myself. I ended up cutting the guy's cell phone in half with his own knife.BLOG TOYS: On The Third Hard - Blogwatch: The Bellicose Women come up with a 24/7 showcase of blog highlights in an answer to the weekly Carnival. It is how the cable news model came about? What's next... entries by pager and e-mail?HABITAT FOR INHUMANITY: Overtaken By Events - Noblesse Obliged to Speak Drivel ala Jimmy: Giving Jimmy Carter absolutely no peace over his retarded speech delivered upon receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Perhaps they can shove him down a fjord or something.JUST HIS LOTT IN LIFE: Wind Rider of Silent Running - What exactly did Trent Lott say?: It's amazing what people will do to avoid saying the word "nigger" even if it is in context.Ipse Dixit - Not A Lott To Say: Dodd doesn't have a lot to say about Trent Lott's recent gaffe,but it's well worth reading.AMERICA THE BOOTYFULL: Mad Kane - BushFoolery Alert 1 (Chartreuse): A new feature-franchise from Mad Kane, the Blogmistress of Comedy!Chuck Simmins - Pearl Harbor: A timeless classic.Utter Wonder - other things trent lott may or may not regret saying: Some classic almost-quotes from everybody's favorite Dauphin of the Senate. If Trent Lott were reincarnated as a centipede, he'd have 100 feet in his mouth by now.The Road to Surfdom - Rightwing self-interest and the war on terror: A call for the Right to actually start fighting the war on terrorism instead of using it as an opportunity to tighten their hold on the reins of power. (Note to Department of VWRC Command: Watch this one closely. Put a wiretap on his dog.)UNSUNG HEROES: Sneakeasy's Joint - A Cop On The Take: There's only so much a man can take.SEX, DRUGS, and KAISER ROLLS: Plum Crazy - On Drugs And Crime: Drink your milk. Don't do drugs. Stay in school. Watch Mister T.THE HILLS ARE ALIVE Where Worlds Collide - Hooray For Prog-Rock!: Yes, hooray for progressive rock and how much greater it is than progressive scissors, but as we all know it's beaten by progressive paper. The Nation, anyone?Kitchen Cabinet - Eddie Kooshi Kashi Kanna Tosenary Tosenohka Sammy Kammy Wacky Brown: Imagine trying to put that on a Gold Record platter.I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING Heretical Ideas - A Gay Cowboy Comic?: Calling George Hamilton! Calling George Hamilton!NUMBNUTS NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH: Eleven Day Empire - Morons On Parade: You! You! Canada! Out of the gene pool! Now!Susskins Central Dispatch - A Prairie Home Colonoscopy: Fisking Garrison Keillor.THE WATER WAR ON TERROR: Everything Must Go - Investing in Teror: I wonder if we'll he hearing about a over-inflated Water Market equivalent to Enron collapsing from bankruptcy and bogus trades, bribing the White House, and its CEO trading letters with George Bush? Will George call him "Water Boy" ?X-MAS MOMENTS: A Small Victory - CNN: Brand name gifts are all the rage: A mother and daughter moment shared over the Christmas list and performing a heavy reality check upon it with a red marker. Well, at least Red is a festive color.INTERNECK HYOOMOR Jamie McDonald - To the person who made the banner add on Ether Zone: When it comes to bltchslapping pop-up ads, we have a winner here!Mad Kane - Political Dot Comedy Awards: Get out there and stuff the ballot boxes with crab meat and ballots!PETS OR FOOD: Skippy the Bush Kangaroo - because the current pet scandals started under the socks administration: Under the Simon Administration, my four cats (or how many of those four survive until then) will take positions of great prominence in the artwork in the White House. In fact, that which they don't claw, I suspect they will chew on or even knock down for spite's sake.World Wide Rant - Cheese Toast ala Andy: A classic recipe for the whole family. Download this so that you can practice it in your kitchen!BAWK BAWK BAWK Ravenwood's Universe - Americans for Chicken Safety: I hurt my eyebrow on this one from raising it so quickly. I may just have to sue for damages, but this is the reason why the Carnival is so important. The subsite is just... well... go and see.HOOEY FOR HOLLYOOD: Norwegian Blogger - Lord of the Rings is Racist: You can tell which Ringwraith is based on Michael Jackson because in the second and third movies it looks more and more like a white Diana Ross.BEEP BEEP: AMCGLTD - A Difference in Philosophy: An oldie but goodie. Of course, when you're an Islamic terrorist shopping for a car you want to know how well it fragments into shrapnel when it becomes a car bomb.THE SEXY VWRC FEMBOT OF DEATH World Wide Rant - Ann Coulter Can't Count: Apparently, Ann thinks that Americans in batches of twelve in a court room are infallible, but when they're in batches of 100 in Hollywood they're idiots? Apparently, she can't quite swallow DNA evidence for the purposes of exoneration... so she spits it out.MEDIA IDIOT WATCH: Eleven Day Empire - Let the Whining Commence:Slamming the articles on the opinion page of the New York Times like baseballs in a batting cage.Bigwig at Silflay Hraka - Does Kristoff Care? - Click a button, worm a South American child. Maybe the New York Times are too busy drawing straws to see who streetpizzas themselves next like Myerson did.Sneakeasy's Joint - America Deep In Thought: What Would Jesus Drive is yet another symptom of our media-drive shallow-as-a-rainpuddle attention span as a countr- OOOOOH! FRIED EGGS! YUMMY!Eleven Day Empire - If You Have To Ask, You'll Never Know: Amazing how a liberated woman can use a free press to coddle those that would enslave her and wrap her in yards of stifling cloth. Well, that is if they don't rape and kill her as an infidel first.OpinionsGalore - Some Questions For Journalists: This is why I think the regional Emmy Awards and Pulitzers are often a bunch of hooey. Many years, nobody's done anything intellectually or journalistically honest and comprehensive enough to merit a trophy representing truth, courage, and honor.Overtaken By Events - Russ Kevin Childers - Idiot: Apparently, foreigners hate us so much they don't buy up our television shows and blue jeans and hamburgers... oh, wait... they do? I guess they don't hate us in the ways that matter then.Eleven Day Empire - First Amendment...uh...Campaign Finance Reform: Ah, a favorite subject of mine. Amazing how around primary and election time, television and radio conglomerates choke on the revenues that come inJamie McDonald - Blue Yonder: Enviroweenies get their due.Eleven Day Empire - Angry Boy: Washington... Post... my eyes glazed over at this point, and I started to mutter something about vomiting robots and eggplant.And last, but not least...BRING OUT YOUR DEAD! Amish Tech Support - Dead Pool: Twenty to twenty-five posts a day, slamming the keyboard like Hulk Hogan making Rowdy Roddy Piper his kilted man-bitch, and I'm trying my damndest to get you folks to pick 9 names and try to win free money in what I hope will be the oddest and strangest collaborative project in the Blogosphere. But it wouldn't be a Carnival without a few games on the Midway, right?That's it for the Carnival this week. As usual, it's been a blast.Carnival of the Vanities is a regular weekly feature that appears both on Silflay Hraka and Blogcritics, but it currently on tour. For more information on the origins of the Carnival and how to participate (hint: send the URL of one of your permalinks to the person running it that week), feel free to read the institution's history.The next stop for the Carnival of the Vanities will be at the fine establishment of Heretical Ideas. Mark your calendars now, update your Palms, and set the alarm for next Tuesday evening to get your entries in to... THE HERETIC! Culture2216@blogcritics.org Tue, 10 Dec 2002 22:46:14 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/10/31/230203.php Laurence SimonI figure the best way to get this struggling concept off the ground is to get off my butt and post a new one, so it's time for everybody's favorite badly-misnamed weekly feature, the Daily Funny!These are some of the funniest things that I and others have tripped across in our wanderings around the ever-widening Blogosphere...Utterwonder - Rock the Vote: Here's a few candidates that look like they were pulled out of a police lineup.Scott of AMCGLTD - Capslock tech support call: I love it when helpdesk and tech support people post their tech support horror stories. It's amazing what some users will do to avoid being helped, and then they finish off by thanking you... for not killing them.Frank of IMAO - Islam means "Throw Rocks": And Judaism means "Dodge Rocks"Davezilla - Annoying Word: The words themselves are funny-sounding words, but the reasons for his hating them are downright odd.Caption of the Day: Another grassroots effort by the loonies of the Blogosphere. Great as always, although I think I went a little too arcane on my own entry.Amptoons - Mickey Mouse and Slave Labor: No no no... they're not Slave Laborers. They're Slave Cast Members.Scrappleface - Clinton Declares Minnesota His Legal Residence: This is why Scrappleface is the heir-apparent of SatireWire. I nearly shit myself laughing over this one.And Now The Noose - U.S.: RUSSIANS SUBDUED CHECHEN SEPARATISTS WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE: Music is the opiate of the masses.Bigwig of Silflay Hraka - Mericless Beds:Mostly Wasted - Elmo Crime Spree: Why look... it's Jail Me Elmo!Short Strange Trip - Moving to MT: Yes, I know, it's not intended as funny, but it is. Nothing like a brusque, one-liner exhortation of frustration to make me laugh.Something Awful - Sandwich Warfare: Warren Zevon said last night that knowing you're dying soon really makes you appreciate a sandwich more... me, I'm dying laughing over this post.The AlleyWriter - Too many people... (#20): ... don't use permalinks?Tim Hall's When Worlds Collide - Blow-up Tank Missing in Action Wondering which of the soldiers to blame And watching for tanks on the wing. ... and then there's the gems that are posted on a regular basis on the Daily Funny blogroll.The Daily Funny is a weekly-or-so feature of highlighting the funny and silly posts of the Blogosphere. Posts are archived on the Daily Funny main page for your eternal amusement. The concept itself was inspired by Carnival of the Vanities, which sounds a lot better than "shamelessly ripped-off from."Most items have been selected by Laurence Simon himself, but he hasn't refused a contribution yet. (Well, except for my own stuff) Feel free to write him with what you've seen or written in a blog and think is funny. If he overlooked what you've posted or forgotten how funny your stuff this week has been, well, he's your chance to put the pie right in his puss!Suggestions for permanent additions to the Daily Funny blogroll are also welcome. (Somebody just sent me Funditry so I've added it.) Culture1620@blogcritics.org Thu, 31 Oct 2002 23:02:03 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/10/26/134431.php Laurence SimonFor those that are looking forward to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets as some sort of zenith of the life and career of Richard Harris, I say slap yourselves with bricks, you mindless idiots. If anything, it's going to be a letdown and a blot on his legacy, just as the first movie is.Turn off the TV, close the AOL Time Warner Popup windows of mourning, get a goddamned grip, and take a breath.Richard Harris had the ability to take any role, small or large, and make you believe that the character had a life before the picture and was a whole entity. Whether the fullness of life of that character came from Harris' own lust for life (like Oliver Reed, Peter O'Toole, Richard Burton) or from his acting ability, go off in the corner and debate amongst yourselves. Despite being hopeless drunks, these men could make you believe the characters were hopeless drunks from the performances they brought.I don't even have to go all that far back to condemn Chris Columbus and his Harry Potter directoral disasters with examples of Richard Harris' greatness. Let A Man Called Horse sit on the pedestal for now while I pull out bit parts and supporting roles than demonstrate where you shouldn't take the studio's bait into thinking your ten bucks will be a tribute to Richard Harris. In Gladiator, he took the role of "tired old dying man" and made you believe that the character was exhausted and worn-out from years of life and responsibility, not because Richard Harris himself could have been old and tired and going through the motions for the paycheck. You got the feeling that he'd spent the past few decades ruling Rome, had clung on to life and power longer than he'd wanted to because he had nobody to hand it over to, and that even that reserve of will was leaking from him.In Patriot Games, you've got the sleazy evil terrorist fundraiser hopping from bar to bar, the apologist mouthpiece playing human for the cameras but shedding his mask when the lights are out. The press greedily gobbles up his witty rejoinders and denials in the movie just as they do with the PLO spokesmen who deny responsibility for suicide bombings and then crawl back in their holes to sign more checks for training and explosives.In Unforgiven, you've got him at his most fucked up and most powerful. A cocky gunslinger with a reputation as long as legend comes in to play hero for a bunch of wronged whores, only to get brutalized, beaten, and sent packing without his pet minstrel. Unlike some cookie-cutter stereotype of a gunslinger getting the crap kicked out of him and then on to the next scene, we felt every blow, felt sorry for the man, felt his fall... and then felt the shock as Gene Hackman's character tore away his last shreds of dignity by exposing him for a fraud.Richard Harris represented the audience in that movie without heroes, and the torture he endured was felt by all of us as all of our built-up illusions of Hollywood Westerns were ripped away by the brutal reality Clint Eastwood was trying to demonstrate. In fact, Clint was beating up himself in a way for having help perpetuate the sugar-coating of Western sheriffs and gunslingers with his own career. The movie was penance for his previous sins against the truth, and still he remained unable to forgive himself for them. Hence, Unforgiven.All three available on DVD, I might mention, and more worthy of your consumer dollar than what will be unleashed upon the world November 15 at a theater near you.Chris Columbus's hallmark is taking great acting talents like prime cuts of beef and then grinding them up and blanding them into oblivion so he can sell them as tasteless standardized patties for his McMovies. He took a thick, rich, meaty steak of an actor called Richard Harris and covered him with a mountain of ketchup to bland the flavor and character out of the man. When that wasn't enough, he then smothered the man in makeup, a cumbersome costume, and ludicrous prosthetics.Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman had absolutely no excuses for their dismal performances, because you could see their faces as clear as day. Robbie Coltrane can't make any excuses about the bear, because he's spent his whole life acting through yards of fat and still showing his depth beyond that. What's a lousy beard and giant suit to a giant of a man?It took a lousy director like Chris Columbus to bring down a great like Richard Harris, to destroy and emasculate such a compassionate character as J.K. Rowling's Albus Dumbledore, and for that he will remain forever unforgiven, no matter how he tries to squirm and atone for his sins against the intelligence of his audience. Anybody who doubts that Chris Columbus will dedicate the second Harry Potter movie as a tribute to Richard Harris is a fool, but anybody who actually considers it a tribute to Richard Harris is an even bigger fool.Actors are the material from which a director must mold a movie. Their talents translate into the richness of the clay and the versatility that a director can use to craft them into their roles. Hacks like Chris Columbus merely take pre-fired clay, slap paint and gaudy special effects on them, and then spend twice as much time hunting for stunt doubles with which to populate the action sequences.It's not Movie Magic of old. It's Movie Voodoo, and it's an abomination.When Richard Harris' niece said she wouldn't speak to him if he turned down the role of Dumbledore, Richard Harris should have followed his instincts...And slapped her.Hard. Video1519@blogcritics.org Sat, 26 Oct 2002 13:44:31 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/10/22/202830.php Laurence Simon"Due to illness, the part of Denis Leary will be played by... Denis Leary."I can't keep mine secret any longer. Bigwig is in der unholy Betty Ford Clinic, doing time in rehabilitation for thine sinful Blogging Addiction undt wearing pants with fancy zippers instead of buttons. Get well soon, Bigwig, undt when thou art out, be sure to post all about thine recovery on thine blog undt risk eternal Hellfire and damnation as a sinner.Until then, everybody's favorite Amish Blogger is here undt he hast der chalk undt slate to lead der congregation through this time of troubles. As the devil says, he's a deadly handsome man, der lion in the lamb. Der show must go on, undt der wicked Carnival of the Vanities continues into its fifth week. Turnout was good, even if it wasn't up to Week Four standards, but what do thou expect... we have nein electricity here in Amish Country. So, with nary an ado, here's some stuff that thou mayst have missed der first time around. Instead of breaking this up by categories, I'm going to tick people off by posting them in the order they came in undt as well as tacking on a few of mine own comments...Bigwig of Silflay Hraka - Saving Salon: Why he isn't renewing his subscription to Salon, and then he suggests an opportunity for micropayments. Me, I just wait for someone to copy-paste the whole article to me.Meryl Yourish - The definitive "chickenhawk" argument: Many examples of why "If you haven't done it yourself, then don't demand it of others" is full of crap. Kinda makes the People's Choice Awards moot, doesn't it?Solonor - A Barrel Full Of Monkeys: All things monkey, including the Top Ten Monkey Movies Of All Time. (What about Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?)He Whose Real Name Must Not Be Said Out Loud of The Noose - North Korea Confesses Additional Misdeeds: Watch out, Scrappleface, because here comes The Noose. I know HWRNMNBSOL personally, and he writes funny stuff. Much funnier than me, I must admit, and it's killing me with envy and jealousy.Michele of A Small Victory - I Got a Woody: Michele take a trip down the IMDB to obliterate woodenheaded Woody Harrelson's Bombing Campaign of his own.Skippy the Bush Kangaroo - How the Democrats Could Win Big This Election And Probably Won't: Skippy gives a few hints as to who the Democrats could pander to so they could win in 2002. I have a better idea... don't field candidates for 2002, let the Republicans have 2 years to mess things up their own special greedy way, then win big in 2004 with "I Told You So" campaigns.Jim at The Philosoblog - A Quick Gun Ownership Argument: A simple but straightforward postulation on gun ownership and privilege vs. freedom.Charles Hill of Dustbury - When No One Wants You: Women can smell desperation like dogs can smell fear.Stefan "Shark" Sharansky - Sharansky Peace Prize: Who won, and who should have won for truly creating an opportunity for peace. Did they ever get the name of the Chinese guy who stood in front of the tank column during the Tiennamen Square Massacre? It probably didn't take long to hose him out of the tank treads, but I figure it's worth a prize.Alex of Heretical Ideas - Oil, Not Just For Cars, You Know: Alex reminds us that we need oil for other things. I had a high school physics teacher who kept saying that "The dumbest thing you could do to oil is burn it." He drove a gas-guzzler.Madeleine Kane - Bush Don't Want No Arms Inspections: Another brilliant song parody. Is she the Weird Al of the Blogosphere?Toren Smith of Safety Valve - Bizarre Search Hits of the Week: This meme continues to demonstrate not only that people across the world look for some pretty stupid and weird things, but they tend to end up in the most bizarre places looking for answers... like blogs.Tom Paine of Silent Running - A TALE OF TWO AUSTRALIANS: Clive James versus Germaine Greer with regards to the Bali Bombing. He points out some important must-reads for those wanting to load up on ammunition against the Idiotarian America-Hating Left.Fred's Fragments From Floyd - Strange Farmer of Erehwon : Dipping deep in the past, Fred tells a little tale about a farmer sharing his memories. Perhaps, just perhaps, maybe it applies to all of this happy vanity?Tim's Road To Surfdom - Guns and Government: Tim takes the position that attitudes towards government dictate attitudes towards guns and then takes a look at America and Australia. To figure out the Texas attitude, just take a look at Waco... the government *is* tyrannical.Glenn Frazier - The Annihilation Game: Glenn demonstrates how two arguments can mutually annihilate each other. Me, I like the word annihilate, and it's good to be the moral cowboy.Dodd Harris - Allies We Can Do Without: Dodd takes a look at the downside to open forums - wackos who post enemies lists and other inane garbage. Good core concept, but some bad barnacles latching on. I wonder if Little Green Footballs has the same problems in a way?South Knox Bubba - Leveling the playing field: When it comes to trying to make the software industry competitive, we shouldn't leave it in the hands of "public servants" who are only fit to ask "Do you want fries with that?"Steve from Ravenwood - Big Deal: Flarry Simon turns 100,000: Why toot my own horn when others are more than willing to blow it for me? Best line of the piece is "We also noticed that his weblog turned 100,000 only after he took his picture off the front page."Steve Gigl - An Exercise in Fishbarreling: Steve fisks Woody's article in the Guardian. You know, if you fisk your woody too much, you'll go blind.Kitchen Cabinet - Golf Wimps: A fine testimonial to the many injuries and accidents inherent in a brutal game of Ultimate Frisbe. I should know... Ultimate was the Sport of Baker College and I think it was a Baker-Baker matchup for the championship my Senior year. I rarely make it to the campus to play 18 holes now.Raving Atheist - Shroud Dating Proves Jesus Was "Oz" Scarecrow: Wonderfully silly. As John Cougar Mellencamp would say, "Reign of the Scarecrow, Blood On The Cross"Fran of Northwest Notes - Trip To The Ozarks: A bunch of beautiful pictures from a trip to the Ozarks.N.Z. Bear - The Bear Doctrine: The Bear states his own principles for justifying American military action and regime change and how it differs between Iraq and North Korea. But if you apply it towards Major League Baseball, Bud Selig would be deader than a dodo... Culture1458@blogcritics.org Tue, 22 Oct 2002 20:28:30 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/10/03/205247.php Laurence SimonAs Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Coyboys approaches Walter Payton's rushing record, perhaps now is a good time to know what kind of man he's taking the record away from.Walter Payton was the heart and soul of the Chicago Bears during his career there, demonstrating what hard work, intense training, and being a team-player can do in the long run. He shall always stand up as a giant compared to the superstar riff-raff that occupy the football headlines of today, not just for his rushing records or blocking success or ability to play any position on the field in a league of specialists and prima-donnas... but for who he was and what he stood for.He was there to play.Never Die Easy was supposed to be Walter Payton's autobiography, but his rapid decline in health turned it into a eulogy and a tribute to the selfless and giving man, too. Interviews with his closest friends, teammates, family, and business associates fill in the gaps of his life and show us a glimpse of the true generosity and caring of the man behind the helmet. The effort he put into his charity work was surpassed only by the effort he made into making sure it was all anonymous... until his humility was surpassed by the recognition that a greater good could be done if he lent his name to the program.His desire to be a private individual never got in the way of what he thought was his obligation to the fans and the kids who looked to him as a hero, and he'd always take time out to sign an autograph and wait a few minutes after a game or practice session to talk with someone. I know this, because I have his autograph from after a practice session many years back, and unlike other players who weren't pleased at the prospect of being delayed on their way home from a tough session he was all smiles and asked each boy or girl if they were having a good time there.Like Michael Jordan after him, Walter Payton left his career still strong and on top of his game because he wanted to go out at his best and be remembered for it. There's a lot to be learned from his experiences in retirement from the game for others... leaving something you've worked your whole life at doing completely cold turkey is a hard and difficult thing to adjust to. He was also promised many opportunities for team ownership, and he teaches us a valuable lesson in the evils of greed as he holds his angry partners up as an example.Even if you're not interested in football or sports or Chicago, you can still learn something from Walter's tale and those who help him tell it in this chronicle. Even in his decline and passing, he never gave up and showed compassion and cheer despite his sickness. The final chapters chronicle his passing and the services held for him memory, and they give a glimpse into how he touched each person in his life that was close to him. The parallels between his son's speech inducting him into the Hall of Fame and the man he had become in saying goodbye to his father are priceless.How will others speak of you when you have run your last yard? Books1063@blogcritics.org Thu, 3 Oct 2002 20:52:47 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/09/30/002330.php Laurence SimonHow many times have you told yourself "The book was great, but the movie was awful." after seeing a film? There aren't that many great stories out there that have been surpassed in excellence by their film versions."Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" was a novella by Stephen King, written under the name Richard Bachman. It was one of his best works, stemming from the fact that he had absolutely no supernatural cop-outs as his horror novels are chock full of, and the characterizations were all powerful and rich in this compelling tale.When painted across a canvas of celluloid, the story as played out in the movie was even more powerful.Masters of their craft...There's a murder at a country club bungalow. A woman and her lover are shot to death, and the police take in her husband and with overwhelming evidence against him he's quickly convicted of the murders. Tim Robbins performs brilliantly as Andy Dufresne, a man who claims he's wrongly imprisoned for those murders, but instead of showing weakness, he enters prison in a state of boldness, but shock.Morgan Freeman is Red, the guy that can get you anything. The story's told from his perspective, and in a way the movie's just as much about him as it is Andy. He's in for a long sentence, and as his life behind the walls passes by him, he watches how the world closes in around him despite all that Andy does to show that there's still life and hope.Can't have any of that hope going around. Bob Gunton is the corrupt Warden Norton, dripping virtue from Biblical verse as a cover for his cruel and thieving ways. He's turned the prison into his own private moneymaking scheme, and Andy's the key to keeping that money laundering machine going. When Andy comes across a miraculous opportunity to set things right and possibly have his sentence re-examined and commuted, Warden Norton shows his true colors in wicked fashion.No, that's not the immortal Kuragin in a guard's uniform, slashing his way with a baton through the prison's wards, but it may as well be. Clancy Brown is the captain of the guards, Byron Hadley, a brutal man who is the right fist of the warden. He gives out beatings and whallopings as another man would breathe - cruelty defines him. He is introduced with the thrashing of a new prisoner, and beats a man to death on his first night. Andy plays upon Hadley's greed during a work detail, and in turn Hadley hands Andy to the warden as a prized posession to be exploited. In the end though, you realize who's doing the real manipulations and exploiting of weaknesses.In all, there are no wasted characters in this film. Everybody has some connection with everyone else here, even in the slightest involvement in a crowd of jailed inmates egging on the nocturnal whimperings of newly-jailed convicts to the lunch table dialogues and field hand work. The exchanged looks, downcast eyes, or brutal and grim determination of the guards all make this film seem real.For instance, in Brooks the Librarian, each convict sees their potential fate. A man has been put under lock and key for so long that he's lost all touch with the world outside... or the world outside has lost all need for him. He only has meaning within the prison, and as a final punishment he's stripped of that respect and meaning and tossed out as a used-up old husk into the world.Why this movie is so powerfulBesides the wonderful acting, rich characters, and powerful dialogue, this movie's got some of the most impressive sets and scenery I've seen for a prison movie. The lighting has just the right shadows and shafts of light, the cell blocks are grungy and grimy and oppressive to the right degree, and the people have taken on a cast like the walls and rocky fields that contain them.This movie may be centered around prison conditions in the forties, fifties, and sixties, but the lesson still holds true for today's cells and wards - how is it that a prison is supposed to reform what is considered a dangerous criminal? What does it mean to be reformed? Is it enough just to put certain kinds of people away and just wait for them to grind each other up to the point where they lose all hope and all spirit... is it the hope and spirit in these people that is the part that is considered dangerous?Here's the big question the movie asks: Is there such a thing as a human spirit? From Hadley's perspective, the human spirit is defined by that thing he sets out to break in each and every prisoner under his charge. By Andy Dufresne's definition, it's that thing that keeps him going to matter how long it takes him to get himself free and give every one of his tormentors their comeuppance. It is that thing which cannot be broken.How old should they be to see this?This movie's a little too intense for the little kids, but it could be an important lesson in the power of the human spirit and the brutality of one view of prison life for the older teenagers. I'd say 15 or 16 could handle the intensity.It was one of my first picks for DVDI was looking forward to the day when my wife and I finally save up enough to get our dream house and fill it with all those things we've put off until we get our house. Well, we didn't get a house yet, but we did get that a DVD player, and this movie was in that initial purchase of films.Sure, this movie plays on TNT all the time, being a Drama and all, but I still had to get it on DVD to own. Why?- I hate commercials - I hate popup ads and promo things - If I need to go to the bathroom, I can pause it - I don't have to wait for Ted Turner to play it for the fifth time that week to see itOf course, my wife still manages to catch it on TNT while she's doing laundry or something or other, and I keep telling her "But we have it on DVD." She always responds "I know, but it was on."I don't think I'm ever going to understand her. Video988@blogcritics.org Mon, 30 Sep 2002 00:23:30 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2002/09/27/101933.php Laurence SimonLet me just ruin it for you right off the bat - Bruce Willis plays child molester Dr. Malcolm Crowe. That's what the big shocker is that everybody wants to keep so secret about. No, really. You can see it in his weary, sad lifeless eyes every time he's with Cole Sear, a child cursed with the ability to see, hear, and interact with ghosts. Someone told me this right before I went to see the movie and I gotta tell you...I wanted to strangle that moron. I must have been the only person in the theater thinking this terrible and wicked thing of a mainstream movie. Why did I let myself fall for such deception? How could I let myself be beguiled and hoodwinked by that cad?Then, when the memory of being stuck fast to the floor from aeons of buttery sludge being layered upon the original tile had long passed and I was driving home, I thought What if?. Sometimes, people can see different things in a movie when they're primed and ready to watch for them. I felt like a young film student with an instructor leading me through the history of William Randolph Hearst and Orson Wells as the class watches Citizen Kane. Was this movie really deep and complex enough to allow such a second hidden interpretation? Watch the movie two times: once completely clear of any pre-judgement and knowledge and once as if you'd never seen it before and Bruce Willis plays a child molester. There's a little more tension there, isn't there? Let's try this for a bit...Dr. Crowe is shot and wounded in the opening scene by a man he once treated when the man was a child, but failed miserably in the treatment and caused the patient even more suffering and confusion. The malpractice was, of course, his wicked and shameful perversion... his life's blood leaks out as he clings to life. Instead of getting to his congratulatory dinner to accept an award on behalf of the city's children, he instead is faced with another more dreadful, final reward.The scene skips forward some time, and we see sweet, innocent Cole Sear there, ripe for the plucking. Dr. Crowe knows what monster lurks deep within his heart, and he takes Cole under his wing to tease out his deep, shameful secret of mortal sight. A little too paternal in this scene, he's a little close in that scene. The temptation becomes too great, and Dr. Crowe buries himself in his work, much to the chagrin of his long-suffering wife. Even though he's there, she's very much alone despite his constant presence and she practically writhes in anguish. Maybe she is a party to his previous malfeasance, and perhaps he is holding some horrible damning secret over her head to keep her silence. The sinister undercurrent builds and Dr. Crowe leads Cole through facing his fears, helping the ghosts achieve peace, and eventually somehow get the boy to help him come to grips with his own twisted inner demons.Admit it - this interpretation might actually work. Oh, sure the last five minutes does a little damage to my theory, but then there were all sorts of movies I didn't get to see the ending to when I was growing up that affected my perception of some screen classics:It's a Wonderful Life: It's not a happy Christmas tale... it's really a tragedy. I always had to go to bed when George was considering jumping off the bridge. "What happened, Dad?" I'd ask and he'd say "George jumped, he died, The End. Pass the sugar."E.T.: A whimsical adventure than plummets into the object lesson that life is fragile and should be cherished. We left the theater when E.T. died from prolonged contact with humans and their related contagions - just like the Martians in War Of The Worlds. As the alien autopsy proceeded, my brother and I were told "It gets really gross after this." And we headed off to Arby's.Return of the Jedi: Resistance is futile, folks. Luke Skywalker faces off with Darth Vader and they fight under the cruel glare of the Emperor. Skywalker defeats his father-turned-machine and the Emperor then tortures him with savage bolts of evil lightning. "Oh, the Emperor kills him... nobody can take that kind of beating. The Rebellion is crushed, and those cute robots are melted down for chess pieces and action figures."Yes, I was raised by truly sick people.So take the advice of the adult me that has come to grips with his bizarre upbringing and get this film when it comes out on home video... whether you look at it without any preconceptions or if you want to view it from my little vantage point. Video944@blogcritics.org Fri, 27 Sep 2002 10:19:33 EDT