http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Sat, 11 Mar 2006 03:31:42 EST http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/03/11/033142.php John Voorhees In 1963, Alan Moore was 10 years old. By 1993, he had become a legend in the comic industry, thanks to his subversive work on DC's Swamp Thing and his highly original and inflammatory titles, V For Vendetta and Watchmen.He had also become thoroughly disenchanted with his employer, DC Comics, and with the comic-book world as a whole. He feared that his influence would amount to nothing more than a general increase in violence and coarseness in what used to be a medium intended primarily for children.To atone for what he considered to be his "crimes" against the superheroic sphere, Moore reached back to his pre-teen days and distilled his memories of the Marvel Bullpen into this charming, funny miniseries. It's light and frothy, and full of in-jokes for any fellow fogies who might remember the days when comics sold for less than a quarter.Every issue of 1963 bears a different title emblazoned across the cover (Mystery Incorporated, Tales of the Uncanny, etc.), but it's all a ruse. The real title sits in the upper left corner, superimposed over Image Comics' lowercase "i". The characters are blatant and direct ripoffs of Marvel heroes from back in the day, and the panels are filled with footnotes to inform readers of which issues they have to pick up to get the all-important backstory on Horus' battle with The Fury ... or whatever.There are fake letters to the editor and fake ads on the back cover ("Shamed By You English?") and lots of Moore's friends along for the ride (Roarin' Rick Veitch! Dashin' Dave Gibbons!) It's all a tremendous hoot, and might even be considered a dry run for his ABC America's Best Comics) titles, which debuted in 1999.You can buy these great Alan Moore graphic novels at Amazon.Wanna learn more? Here's the Wikipedia entry ... Here's some honest-to-goodness annotations for the books ... And here's a bunch of fanboys complaining about the unresolved cliffhanger. Books44749@blogcritics.org Sat, 11 Mar 2006 03:31:42 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/01/110905.php John VoorheesJennifer Trynin is a rock goddess.Well, no she isn't. She's just a brilliant songwriter who manages to channel her neuroses into awesome rockin' tunez with little to no loss of signal. Her two solo CDs deliver a psychological one-two punch of raw frustration and kickass guitar work. Man, is she good at what she does!This review shouldn't really be about her, but I can't help myself. In a more perfect world, Jen Trynin would hold the position in the pop pantheon currently occupied by Avril Lavigne. Yeah, Lavigne's got some good chops, but Trynin blows her ass away like dust in the wind, dude.So, anyway, this review is actually about a new band called Loveless and a CD called Gift To The World. Trynin plays rhythm guitar and provides backup vocals, and that seems like a waste and a half. But Jenny got fed up with the spotlight, and that's not hard to understand. She put her heart on her sleeve for the universe to hear on two major-label projects and the universe responded with a mighty shrug. That shit's harsh.The main voice behind Loveless is a dude named Dave Wanamaker who used to be number 2 man in a band called Expanding Man. I don't know anything about him or his old band, but I get the feeling I probably would if I was following the local scene in Boston. (It's hard to do that from Gulfport, MS.) It sure looks to me like his situation is the flip side of Trynin's. He's been backing up lead-singer-dude for x number of years and he's got a satchelfull of songs and he wants a chance to shine. Fair enough. Lucky bastard managed to team up with Jen Trynin.So that's the background. Pretty neat human interest story, huh? Two seasoned Boston rockers trade relative positions and go out and rock the house. It's got my attention.How's the CD? Ummmm... not half bad. See, if I was just random fella and I heard Gift to the World, I'd probably be very impressed indeed. It's got wicked wall-of-sound guitar work, tight harmonies, catchy songs and a pretty wide range of styles. The opening track "Go" is hook-laden and rocks out, and there are several other potential singles on here ... "Stick To The Girl" and "You Wore Me Out" and "Beautiful" ... hell, everything on here is pretty catchy.My problem is that I'm a Jen Trynin fan and I can't help listening to this CD through the filter of her phenomenal solo work. A lot of my favorite parts of Gift To The World are lifted wholesale from Trynin's last project, Gun Shy Trigger Happy. In fact it's a little uncanny how much Wanamaker's songs sound like they were written in imitation of Trynin's style. Part of that certainly comes from the fact that it's Jenny herself laying down that crunchy guitar and singing those sweet harmonies, but they are definitely drawing water from the same creative well.Unfortunately, Loveless is all style and no substance. Dave is either incapable of translating his tortured soul into rockenroll ... or he's just a shallower person. I'm going to once again give him the benefit of the doubt on that issue, since it's DAMN HARD to transform pain into a catchy pop song.But Jenny can do it. In many ways Gift to the World would be easier for me to listen to if it sounded less like Trynin. I wouldn't have to keep making brutal comparisons. But I can't help but think about how awesome it would be to be listening to a new Trynin album instead of Trynin-lite.For the rest of you who have heard little to none of Jenny's solo work and like heavy, gritty guitar lines and sweet, unusual harmonies and catchy pop songs you can headbang to, Loveless rocks out in a most satisfactory manner. But I highly recommend that you wash it down with Jenny's solo work. Let Gift To The World be your musical appetizer, and then put on Gun Shy Trigger Happy for the main course.Oh, by the way, Trynin's working on a book about her experiences in the land of rockenroll. She turned a chapter from that upcoming book into a radio piece that's available at transom.org. Go listen and understand why I still think she's a rock goddess. Music16158@blogcritics.org Tue, 1 Jun 2004 11:09:05 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/07/120018.php John VoorheesThe old f:)cker just won't die! And that makes me happy. American cultural treasure and curmudgeon Kurt Vonnegut shot off his mouth to the New York Daily News about the whole Iraq "deal." As for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and his deputy Paul Wolfowitz, they're the ones "who allowed this torture to go on, kept it secret since January. These are war crimes," Vonnegut said. "I dealt with prisoners when I was a soldier. We sure didn't torture them - we were well aware of the Geneva Convention. I myself became a prisoner" of the Germans as an Army corporal in Dresden during World War II."It's my country, not theirs," he continued lashing the Bushies. "And they've trashed the reputation of Americans. ... It's possible to destroy a great civilization. Bush and those people have no love for it at all."Vonnegut refers to the Bush administration as "adroit criminals," which has a nice ring to it. As in "You've been hit by... an adroit... crim-in-al!"This is all well and good (and fun to read) but the best part is that Vonnegut lets slip that he's taken an advance for a new novel! (Hasn't he claimed to retire at least two or three times already? Not that I'm complaining. I love that old crank!) Maybe he can call it Slaughterhouse 911? Naaaah."But now is not the time for a novel, is what Samuel Goldwyn would have said. If you have a message, send a telegram. And it's time to send telegrams right now."This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Culture15467@blogcritics.org Fri, 7 May 2004 12:00:18 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/01/085553.php John VoorheesWhile Iron Chef America: Battle of the Masters is hardly a carbon copy of the original IC, it translates most of the idea faithfully and sure is a heck of a lot of fun to watch.You know about Iron Chef, right? Kitchen Stadium? Chairman Kaga? The Ohta faction? The cult of Morimoto? ALLEZ CUISINE? If you don't, you really need to watch more Food Network. It's a baffling mix of haute cuisine and competitive sports hosted by a long-haired dandy who gets off on raw bell peppers. Good TV, my friends. Damn good TV.Admittedly, it's a little weird to try and reinvent this quintessentially Japanese program as an American thang. There's already been a pathetic attempt by UPN (pronounced OO-pin) starring William Shatner as "The Chairman." (And he was the best part! That's how bad it was!)It's obvious that the show designers at Food Network have a lot more love and understanding of the original than the makers of UPN's Iron Chef USA. You don't have to force the camp elements. The concept itself is so strange that you don't have to try and be wacky. Iron Chef makes its own gravy. Let it be.The flamboyant Chairman Kaga has been replaced with his "nephew," a martial arts expert who demands yummy snackables. The new "Iron Chefs" are all-American, and already famous to anyone who already watches Food Network: Bobby "Boy Meets Grill" Flay, "Molto" Mario Battali, and Wolfgang "I invented California cuisine so suck on THAT" Puck. To further legitimize the new show, the Masters being battled are two of the original (and most popular) Iron Chefs. There's something very cool about "Iron Chef French" Hiroyuki Sakai. He always has a wry smile ... except when he's rising up out of the floor with a pear in his hand in the opening ceremony. I bet he's a kick to hang out with ... if you speak Japanese. But I've always got my eye on "Iron Chef Japanese" Masaharu Morimoto. This guy's a maverick ... killer inventive. He's not afraid to take his work to the edge ... even if he occasionally falls off (best not to dwell on the dish he called "Kids Plate USA" in the Bamboo Shoot Battle). Morimoto used to work for Robert DeNiro at Nobu in NYC, but now he apparently has his own restaurant in Philly. If any of you wants to pick up the bill for a meal at Morimoto The Restaurant, I'll find a way to get there. I promise.The original Iron Chef commentary was supplied by three knowledgeable, likeable commentators. The host, Kenji Fukui, chatted with scholarly food expert Yukio Hattori and received breaking news from the floor thanks to Shinichiro Ota. Before Ota would break in with a bit of trivia or a list of ingredients in a given pressure cooker, he called out "Fukui-san!" (or, as it usually sounded, "Squeeze on!").Well, in place of Fukui and Hattori, the new IC has Alton "Good Eats" Brown. This just makes the show for me. Alton is one of my favorite Food Network personalities. (The only guy I like better is Jamie "The Naked Chef" Oliver, and if he were the host, no one would be able to understand a word.) He's fast, he's funny, and he knows food! This is such an improvement over the yellow-jacketed sports commentators UPN tried to use.The mix of judges is faithful to the original as well. There are professional "foodies" and chefs as well as airheaded actors and actresses. The episode I watched featured a bimbette from "The O.C." who commented on at least four dishes in a row with "I've never had (food item) that tasted like THIS before!" The only thing that's missing is a Congressman judge. And maybe a psychic.There's no way to duplicate the freakish magic of Iron Chef in America... that's a given. But what I've seen so far of Battle of the Masters is absolutely compelling. It manages an intensity that surprises me. I hope this becomes a full-fledged series. This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Video15276@blogcritics.org Sat, 1 May 2004 08:55:53 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/02/24/151554.php John VoorheesThis has nothing to do with Mardi Gras, except that hearing about it makes me want to dance in the streets!Brian Wilson has completed the legendary Beach Boys album SMiLE, and will release it this Fall!Perhaps the most highly-regarded unreleased record in rock history, the Beach Boys' SMiLE, is reportedly getting its official release 37 years after its creation, in fall 2004. According to a recent report from BBC News Online: "A few months ago Wilson revisited the SMiLE tapes in Capitol Records' vaults and went on to finish the album with his original lyricist, Van Dyke Parks."Recorded between April 1966 and May 1967, SMiLE (working title Dumb Angel) was to be Brian Wilson's "teenage symphony to God," an album that would at once best the Beatles and surpass Wilson's latest masterpiece, Pet Sounds. Working with avant-garde lyricist Parks and the session players featured on Pet Sounds, Wilson crafted the album away from the other Beach Boys, who were then touring. Upon their return from the tour, the group met the album with mixed feelings, arguing that SMiLE's obscure lyrics and insanely dense compositions strayed too far from the norm to be considered for release. Music13098@blogcritics.org Tue, 24 Feb 2004 15:15:54 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/02/12/184913.php John VoorheesAn A-to-Z of interesting band names, brought to you by the hopelessly unfinished entertainment site, findthefun.com.The Accidentally Wonderful Bitter Little Dutchboy Choosy Mom's Funky Dance Carnival Dow Jones and the Industrials Einstein's Little Homunculus Fatal Mambo Ghosts and Vodka Honest Bob and the Factory-to-Dealer Incentives Invisibl Skratch Piklz Jiggle the Handle Knights of the Occasional Table The Lonesome Organist Make Lisa Rich New Wet Kojak One Riot One Ranger Plunky & Oneness of Juju Q-Burns Abstract Message Red Red Meat Space Pussy Tiamat (D&D references ROCK, man!) Uncool Niece VHS or Beta The World is My Fuse X-Raided Yukon Death Drop (could not find a worthy link for this one) Zap MamaThis post originally appeared at soundacious.com Music12690@blogcritics.org Thu, 12 Feb 2004 18:49:13 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/02/08/131140.php John VoorheesThis week I finally got to listen to Jesus Christ Superstar: A Resurrection ... and it shook me up in ways I wouldn't have thought possible.First of all, like a lot of folks my age, I was exposed to the original JCS as a youngster. My mother owned a copy of the LP and played it quite a lot. (We had one of those record players set up to play multiple platters. They were pretty brutal to the vinyl, but they were so cool nobody cared.) I have no idea how many times I heard that album between the ages of 4 and 8, and there's no way of gauging it. Frankly, my memory was alot more absorbent in those days, and almost every word of the show ended up tucked away deep in a brainfold.The weird thing about this is that I had no knowledge of the rock history that led up to JCS. I had never heard of Deep Purple, so it didn't mean anything to me that the role of Jesus was sung by their lead singer, Ian Gillan. (For what it's worth, I doubt my mother had heard of Deep Purple either.) I liked the album, but didn't really register what it was about. I assumed it was ... well ... Christian.And it's not. Not particularly. It's about Christ, but it's alot more about Judas and Mary and the political crisis Christ stirred up in Jerusalem. It's cynical and humanist and dark, dark, dark. It had been 20 or 25 years since I had heard the darn thing, and it got mixed up in my head with my general distaste for Lloyd Webber's bigger shows (Cats, anyone?) and Godspell. But hearing the "Resurrection" version sent me running back to the original. Not because the new version sucks or anything. It just finally sank in for me how HARD that old record rocks! And I don't mean "rocks pretty good for Broadway." I mean it ROCKS! It's edgy, adventurous and soulful. And OPERATIC, as in "Rock Opera". The characters explore and expose their emotional states in ways you'll never read in the King James Edition. The music repeats several memorable themes as leitmotif in different settings sung by different characters ... it just ROCKS REAL HARD, mmmkay?Jesus Christ Superstar: a Resurrection was masterminded by the Indigo Girls in 1994. They're about my age, but probably had a better understanding of JCS than I did when it first came out. Whether they did or not, they kept listening to it and eventually got together with a bunch of Georgia musicians to "update" the classic. It's a mixed bag, but parts of it are just brilliant. (Actually, I could say the same thing about the original!)Amy Ray sings the role of Jesus, Emily Saliers plays Mary Magdalene. Those are the only nationally-known "names" on the project, as far as I can tell, but the rest of the cast works for me. Michael Lorant's Judas can't compare to Murray Head's, but he makes the part his own and uses his more limited vocal range very effectively. The most important difference in Resurrection isn't who sings what (although there's a lot of controversy over Amy singing Jesus, surprise, surprise). You can get different singers by listening to different cast recordings. The instrumentation in Resurrection has been completely revised and "updated" to a more 90's, alternative-grungy-acoustic feel. I don't think Resurrection stands alone very well, but it probably wasn't intended to. It's a companion piece to the original ... a tribute by a group of influenced musicians. I doubt any of them thought their version was "better" than the original. It's more like a remix. How very postmodern. The end result is that I now have far greater appreciation of the original and I want both these CDs in my collection. Everybody wins, right?P.S. Apparently there is a film document of the Resurrection show production, but to find out what the format is or how to order it, you have to get the entire Daemon Records catalog sent to you by snail mail. Not the best marketing strategy around.This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Music12519@blogcritics.org Sun, 8 Feb 2004 13:11:40 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/02/02/202130.php John Voorhees"I hope I die before I get old." -The Who "I hope that I get old before I die." -They Might Be GiantsTheoretically, rock 'n' roll stays ageless -- the music of youth and rebellion. In reality, the President of the United States repeatedly used a Fleetwood Mac song as his personal version of Hail To The Chief ... 11 years ago. The rantings of Jack Black to the contrary, rock is the mainstream and has been for decades now. Mick and Paul sit around in their respective mansions and bask in their respective, respectable knighthoods. Ozzy Osborne has been reduced in the public mind from Prince of Hell to a doddering, brain-damaged, bathrobe-clad source of prime-time hijinks. John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon is currently battling ostriches in a British reality show. Indeed, there's a popular VH1 show that reunites old 80s bands just so people can marvel at how old they are.But just because the rock legacy stretches across a couple of generations, that doesn't mean that older musicians can't genuinely rock the house! For example, I gather that The Rolling Stones are still quite accomplished at the delicate art of "tearing up the joint". Judging from how many jokes the Stones have to endure about their age, one might think they stretch the age boundaries for legitimate rockers. But Chuck Berry is still performing, folks! Let me say that again. Chuck. Berry. And yes, he still does the duckwalk. He's probably under the influence of Percogesic, Glucosamine and Chondroitin, but dammit, he's still doing that duckwalk!The B-52's are a considerably younger band than the Rolling Stones, but they aren't spring chickens by any measure. They performed Friday at the Beau Rivage in Biloxi. (Yes, they're doing casino shows. I guess that means they're officially a nostalgia act now. Great.)The roughest-looking band member was Cindy Wilson, but that's fair since she's been through emotional hell since the AIDS-related death of her brother Ricky in 1985. I was very glad to see her back on stage, howling about how she is not, in fact, no limburger.The other band members were reasonably well-preserved ... especially Fred Schneider. (He doesn't actually seem to be a human being ... I think he's an imp or a wood sprite or something.) Guitarist Keith Strickland also looked in fine fettle, but he did insist on wearing shades through the entire show. Sure, they enhanced his "cool," but you had to wonder if they were hiding some telltale sign of age or too many wild parties. (Wait a minute. That's why shades are cool in the first place. Never mind.) And Kate Pierson is still a juicy hot redhead. Nuff said.Here's the point. The B-52's have always had a reputation for a kickass live show, and they still rock as hard as they ever have. MAN, what a show.You need a little context to understand the power of this performance. True, the band isn't all that young, but neither was the audience. Apparently B-52's fans are all middle-aged. Yeah, there were a few (VERY few) youngsters in the house. (They probably came to see those rock legends that their parents always talk about.) But on the whole, we're looking at a median age of 38 or 39. Scary.But they all got up to dance. ALL of them. Every pot belly in the house danced that mess around. And the Beau Rivage Auditorium is NOT built for dancing. Great seats (yay for cupholders!), no leftover floor space. This did not stop the dancing, it merely delayed the inevitable. Come on! Who can sit down during Love Shack? Let's be serious here! Song selection ranged over the band's whole career, which makes sense since they were promoting a greatest hits CD. I did notice that they shied away from their painful "middle period" when Ricky died. I don't think a single song was played from the "Bouncing Off The Satellites" album. Big deal. I was just happy to hear Strobe Light and Quiche Lorraine. The light and sound production were particularly good. I'm used to rock shows blasting my eardrums so hard I can't make out the highs. But every piece of percussion came through clear as a bell, from Cindy's bongos on Planet Claire to Fred's mini-cowbells on Junebug.(And before anyone points this out in the comments, I'm aware that I'm being a lame old guy saying how nice it was that the rock music wasn't too loud. I embrace my aged, decrepit nature. So there.)Casino shows have advantages and disadvantages. The downside is that the concert was short, just shy of 2 hours. I definitely left wanting more. I would have loved to hear live versions of Good Stuff or Dry County ... or just about anything else, really. I would have loved to hear more, period.The upside is that we got to enjoy the Rivage's awesome seafood buffet beforehand. Sadly, while there were lots of tasty crab legs and boiled shrimp, there wasn't any actual rock lobster.DOWN, down ...This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Music12282@blogcritics.org Mon, 2 Feb 2004 20:21:30 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/01/18/093224.php John VoorheesYes, my friends, it's true! (Well, no it isn't. But please pretend that it is.)Through painstaking research and bribery, I have gotten a copy of the first scene to be cut from Star Wars Episode III. I repeat, this is a transcript of a scene that will NOT appear in the final film. It may be restored in the DVD, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Think of it as a chance to view the creative process that Lucas didn't want you to see, Or, if you prefer, you can think of it as the deluded ravings of a sleep-deprived writer. It's all the same to me.Oh, and a special message to Mr. Lucas. Please, please, please don't sue me. Your cooperation is very much appreciated in this matter. (The camera pulls in on a Star Destroyer travelling through space. In a lush conference room, the soon-to-be Emperor Palpatine addresses his faithful pupil, Anakin Skywalker, now 1/3 machine man and wearing an imposing black cape.)PALPATINE: Well, young Skywalker, you have done very well.ANAKIN: Thank you, my master. You are most generous.PALPATINE: Oh, not at all. You have followed my every instruction to the letter. You have instilled fear in my subjects, you have ruthlessly destroyed in the name of the new order, and you look stunning in that black cape. You have even come up with a clever and intimidating Darth name.ANAKIN: I'm glad you approve, my master.PALPATINE: Vader. Very good indeed. Where did you get that? I've never been able to come up with good ones.ANAKIN: I think Sidious is quite good, master.PALPATINE: Oh, I don't know. I've never been quite satisfied with Sidious. And I'm glad you took the initiative and came up with your own. I was leaning toward calling you Darth Spooky or Darth Destructo or something lame like that.ANAKIN: Actually, master, I was inspired by the name Darth Sidious.PALPATINE: Oh? How so?ANAKIN: Well, Master, Sidious is the word "insidious" without the "in" at the beginning, and Vader is ...PALPATINE: Oh! It's "invader". My goodness, that's very clever of you. You know, I hadn't even noticed that "insidious" thing before.ANAKIN: Really, my master?PALPATINE: No, honestly. Pure coincidence.ANAKIN: How about that, oh, my master.PALPATINE: Yes, indeed. How about that. (Pause) I think, my young apprentice, that you are ready to take your final step into the power of the Dark Side of the Force.ANAKIN: What must I do, my master?PALPATINE: It's not so much something you have to do. I have a present for you.ANAKIN: A present, my master? I am not worthy ...PALPATINE: Yes, yes, that's enough of that. But you see, I'm not going to have an apprentice of mine looking insufficiently menacing.ANAKIN: I ... I do not understand, my master.PALPATINE: Well ... Vader, do you recall as a young boy on Tattooine meeting up with a warrior with red skin, yellow eyes and horns?ANAKIN: Oh, yes, master. Very frightening fellow.PALPATINE: Yes, well, he was my apprentice. Darth Maul was his name.ANAKIN: Really? I was never introduced, my master.PALPATINE: No, but he scared the little pants off you as a boy, didn't he?ANAKIN: Quite so, my master. A thoroughly scary individual, was that Darth Maul.PALPATINE: Do you know what made Maul so scary, Vader?ANAKIN: Was it the double-sided bo-stick lightsaber, my master?PALPATINE: No, fool. It was the horns, the contact lenses, the makeup. And the scowl. We practiced that scowl for months before unleashing it on you.ANAKIN: It was a very intimidating scowl, my master.PALPATINE: Damn right, it was! I did everything I could think of to keep Maul from looking ... human. He was an animal, or so his victims should have thought.ANAKIN: I certainly did, oh my mas...PALPATINE: Shut up, Vader. I'm getting to my point.ANAKIN: Yes, my master.PALPATINE: I would love to slather you all over with scary red makeup, glue horns on your face and give you freakish contact lenses to wear, but that wouldn't work with you, Skywalker.ANAKIN: Why not, my master?PALPATINE: You are too cute.ANAKIN: Thank you, my master. You are most gen...PALPATINE: SILENCE! It is not good for a Dark Lord of the Sith to be cute. It spoils the image. I had to come up with a way to obscure your boyish good looks, and to match that excellent cloak you've taken to wearing. (To a guard) GUARD! Bring the package.(The guard brings a gaily wrapped package to the Emperor)PALPATINE: Here you are, Vader. Read the card first.ANAKIN: Oh, thank you, my master. You are most gen...PALPATINE: SILENCE! (Pause) Well, I don't suppose you have to be silent. Go ahead and read the card.ANAKIN: Master, it is adorable. "Welcome to the Dark Side." (Opens card) "Now give me lasagna." Ha-ha. I am such a big Garfield fan, oh my master.PALPATINE: Yes, I know. Well, open the box.(Vader opens the box, revealing the famous helmet.)ANAKIN: Why ... it's ...PALPATINE: Yes, go on. What do you think, boy?ANAKIN: It is truly hideous, oh my master.PALPATINE: HAH! You like it now, wait until you put it on.ANAKIN: (Listens to the mask) What is that breathing noise, oh my master?PALPATINE: (Smiling) Pretty good, eh? That's a built in air-conditioning system. Trust me, you're going to need it when you're all suited up. I had the engineering team working 24-hour shifts for 7 weeks straight to get it to sound more like asthmatic breathing and less like a comforting, regular hum.ANAKIN: May I try it on, master?PALPATINE: Of course, of course. That's the whole idea, you know.(Anakin puts on helmet.)ANAKIN: (with James Earl Jones' voice) It is very comfortable, oh my... WOW! Is that my voice, oh my master?PALPATINE: (Laughing) Yes, yes, isn't it excellent? Voice modulation, makes you sound really, really big!ANAKIN: With a voice like this, I could do commercial voiceovers, oh my master.PALPATINE: Yes, yes, of course, but put such thoughts out of your mind, Vader. The Dark Side is far more lucrative. Well, go on, say something menacing!ANAKIN: Of course, my master. Let me think of something good... mmmm... how about this? (Gestures) "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!"PALPATINE: Oh, yes, quite bone-chilling. You're a natural at this evil business, Vader. Come on, I'll get you the matching gloves.(Wipe-transisition to some damn thing or another.)This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Video11825@blogcritics.org Sun, 18 Jan 2004 09:32:24 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/01/11/131811.php John VoorheesUnlikely but real "For Dummies" booksFerrets For Dummies Catholicism For Dummies Bioinformatics For Dummies Wills and Estates For Canadians For Dummies Aromatherapy For Dummies Sushi For Dummies NASCAR For Dummies Fibromyalgia For Dummies Retired Racing Greyhounds For Dummies Calculus For Dummies The Origins of Tolkien's Middle Earth For Dummies Ingles Para Dummies Perennials For Dummies The Vietnam War For Dummies New Orleans For Dummies Congress For Dummies Being Vegetarian For Dummies Breaking Into Acting For Dummies Curling For Dummies AOL For Dummies This post originally appeared at soundacious.com Books11617@blogcritics.org Sun, 11 Jan 2004 13:18:11 EST