Blogcritics Author: Joe Harris

American Democracy: Suicide by Representative

Joe Harris — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:22:39 EDT

The fallout of September 11 is the fall of the United States.
America is the new Russia. As weekend patriots backed up freeways and blew off their hands in remembrance of the rockets' red glare, they should have been reminded of the black haze in lower Manhattan. The fallout of September 11 is the fall of the United States. Why revere the desecrated flag of a vanquished nation?Just like oppressive Russia...

The Demise of Joe Camel

Joe Harris — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:16:09 EDT

The horrors of Camel's new remastered blend drove me to the edge - and then to find another satisfying brand of cigarettes.
Just as Marlboro killed two Marlboro Men, R.J. Reynolds has disemboweled Joe Camel. Cigarette makers can't help but turn on their own. Although the new package design for Camel cigarettes seems innocuous and perhaps even alluring, it should come with a warning. The Surgeon General? Screw him. Flavor conscious smokers beware: Camels now suck...

Music DVD Review: Jethro Tull - Jack in the Green: Live in Germany

Joe Harris — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:33:36 EDT

Eye and ear candy that the Tullheads will appreciate.
Watch the Bach-inspired flutist of rock 'n' roll's beard turn gray. Jethro Tull's latest DVD, Jack in the Green: Live in Germany, is a varied collection of good, and good enough performances spanning 22 years. Laying it down on the mandolin, harmonica, or Tull's trademark flute is frontman Ian Anderson as he leads the English...

How A Drug Dealer Robbed My Pharmacy

Joe Harris — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 12:35:17 EST

While dopeheads are content to rob mere convenience stores, drug dealers hit licks at your friendly neighborhood pharmacy.
Money for nothin', narcotics for free. While dopeheads are content to rob mere convenience stores, drug dealers hit licks at your friendly neighborhood pharmacy. What does it take to steal tens of thousands of dollars in powerful narcotics and get away clean? Astoundingly little. An overnight robbery in November revealed laughable security failures...

Retail Radio: Mind Control Cacophony

Joe Harris — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 12:08:20 EST

Service industry radio increases customer spending and employee vitriol.
The sound of suck is coming after your psyche. Whether you find it insipid or you're tasteless enough to feel the groove, we're all forced to hear the music played at retail establishments. More than an annoyance, music is a mind control tool employed by the grocery business. Typically, service industry corporations operate radio networks,...

DVD Review: Giuliani Time - Sharp, Yet Dull

Joe Harris — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 10:08:45 EDT

What it lacks in style is well overshadowed by its compelling substance.
What Giuliani Time lacks in style is well overshadowed by its compelling substance. Kevin Keating's acclaimed two-hour documentary slathers muck on Time magazine's 2001 "Person of the Year," Rudy Giuliani. This film is all about information rather than simple entertainment. Viewers must actually pay attention and perhaps fight...

Drugstore Pipe Tobaccos: Pouches of Simple Pleasure

Joe Harris — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 07:49:51 EDT

As with any group of tobaccos, some shine while others suck.
Supercilious connoisseurs cringe, beginners beam, and old-school puffers keep coming back. Whatever their preference, every pipe smoker finds himself back at the drugstore for another pouch. Grocers' tobacco selections aren't what they used to be, but there are still some diamonds in the rough. In some circles, drugstore tobaccos are...

Service Industry Renagades

Joe Harris — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 15:51:09 EDT

Rebels with a clue strike a symbolic blow for the good guys. All in a day's work.
Wholesale abuse and rock bottom wages can turn cherubs into guttersnipes. The remainder of the service industry's renegades are simply low-rent degenerates without a cause. From an ostensibly innocent snowball fight to wanton vandalism -- whether for vengeance or sport -- the job never fails to inspire free thinkers.Smoking in the drive-thru...

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

The Tribulations of American Hat Lovers

Joe Harris — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 21:48:38 EDT

I'm not Eurotrash, nor am I impersonating Sherlock Holmes in a desperate cry for help. I've heard all the carbon-copied remarks and a few compliments. I'm a young American, and I wear an ivy dress. Beyond fashion statements and religious observance is the simple fondness for headgear. This affinity has earned me thoughtless inquisition, intolerance, and the bygone flashes of self-consciousness.Cheese cutter, sharpie, pimpster, and "old English guy hat" are common colloquialisms for "ivy dress." Being a heavy pipe smoker at the time, I selected my first such wool crown from a department store with much reservation about its conspicuousness. A punk beneath an ignoble ball cap had been taken out and shot that week. At the precocious age of 19, the true realization of an adolescent eccentricity had come to fruition. From Indiana Jones to fugitive Hannibal Lecter, a tasteful hat tops off the debonair while being perceived as a trademark. A comfortable, distinguished hat is a rewarding garment which I find indispensable. However, each style of hat draws its own set of stereotypes. Being a hat man isn't all glamour. An ugly hag at the plasma place serenaded me with the opening bars of the Inspector Gadget theme song. People presume I'm either French or dying for attention. A teacher "cap gunned" me when I was in junior high school. I once shaved my head to imitate complete male pattern baldness.That's right. Knowing I'd be forced to remove my hat before getting photographed for my state identification card, it was obvious that a statement had to be made. That coupled with the fact that I had nothing better to do than watch infomercials. I was barely old enough to vote, but wise enough to know what I might look like in old age. Yes, I was immensely proud to buy cigarettes.Caveat: Sherlock Holmes wore a deerslayer and I wear an ivy dress. Likening the two hats is foolish. Furthermore, the assumption that every distinctive garment is worn merely to make a statement speaks of John Q. Douchebag's presumptuousness. A man once asked me if I was trying to look French. I curtly answered that I was not. He then asked me what I was "trying to look like."The general public really thinks itself to be so damned important that people should go the extra mile for the attention or approval of random strangers. It would take a team of psychologists to determine why I might actually give a damn about the foolish conclusions of people who are probably unworthy of my consideration. I've got enough opinions; I don't need yours, ass clown.Then again provincialism is universal and everybody loves a good stereotype. Don Imus aside, cowboy hats are worn by the vacuous and unwashed.A harrowing visit to the remote village of Athens, Texas was a case of culture shock in my own home state. As the National Anthem or whatever that song was inaugurated the graduation ceremony I attended, a host of shit-kickers in the auditorium ceremoniously removed their tan Stetsons and placed them atop their hearts.Country music played incessantly as I could only hope that I hadn't indeed fallen off the face of the earth and been standing in the foyer of Hell. My refusal to remove my black ivy dress combined with my formal attire drew stares. Did being outnumbered make me a jackass or place me in the top one percent? A little of both, I should hope.The fact that religious head coverings elicit special consideration has long piqued my vitriol. I once worked at a kosher supermarket, where separate dress codes applied to Gentiles and Jews. My naked buzz cut stood tall as yarmulkes ran wild and an Italian ivy dress was exiled to the break room. Why in the world of logic should religious followers accept headgear edicts?"We like to take off our hats in church out of respect for the Lord," a fat yokel of an usher told me as a child. I heard that many times growing up and either refused to comply with God's messengers or simply left the "sanctuary." During a typically bland sermon, a child physically knocked off my hat. Appalled by this defilement, I did the Christian thing and decked the little bastard.As an adult a decade later, I subjected myself to morning sleep deprivation to experiment with church once more. Just after the damned singing and clapping died off, I was confronted by a holy man who walked on thin ice. I strutted out of "God's house" with dignity. The old school needs a new curriculum; women attending the service wore garish hats with impunity.Courtrooms are overbearing bastions of hypocrisy. I once covered a plea hearing for an intoxication manslaughter case at the Frank Crowley Criminal Courts Building in Dallas. Just as I set foot in the vacant courtroom, Billy Bob bailiff commanded me to remove my hat. As if I hadn't already planned on doing so. Of course, fat boy hayseed was free to wear his comical ten-gallon. Why does every damn bailiff have to be a swaggering old hick?Judge Susan Hawk of the 291st Criminal District Court -- the court in which I took notes that morning -- declined to comment for this article.It's just a garment -- until the world demands its surrender. Whether the occasion be a night on the town or a tranquil day at home, a good hat is a prized accessory for many enlightened people.Those men in Athens could have been scholars. Perhaps my Jewish co-workers were degenerate heathens. Maybe I'm just a simple produce clerk from Texas. Some call it rude while others call it charming. Nevertheless, the measure of a gentleman is not the hat he wears.

Joe Harris is a disgruntled writer with an affinity for loud music and paisley ties. A night stocker and former veteran cashier, telling the story of the service industry's workforce is a mainstay of Harris' work. The ruggedly handsome raconteur is commonly found reading about conspiracies or drinking alone with his cat.

Louisiana's Hottest: A Pepper Sauce Analysis

Joe Harris — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 07:10:33 EDT

Beyond the ignoble sweetness of ketchup is the perfect condiment for the enlightened palate. Pepper sauce, or hot sauce, is an indispensable deliverance from blandness and a zestful complement to soups, chicken, and a myriad of other foods. At less than $1 a six-ounce bottle, this red liquid was dinner's salvation when I lived off of Ramen and the like. Whether you're looking for caustic heat or rich flavor, there's a sauce for everyone.Tabasco is surely the most famous brand. Made from Louisiana's unique tabasco peppers and aged in oak casks, this sauce is renowned for its distinctive flavor and abundance of heat. McIlhenny's gem elevates biscuits and gravy to heights to which mere black pepper cannot aspire. This mention aside, this article will deal with cayenne sauces.Cayenne sauces offer a rich, tangy flavor with pleasingly moderate heat as opposed to the overpowering scorch Tabasco is known for. Frank's Red Hot, to my knowledge the only cayenne sauce to be advertised, is actually quite ordinary. At double the cost of lesser known competitors, buyers pay top dollar for the bottle's fancy black cap.Louisiana is the second most common brand. It provides the full flavor of cayenne with a striking tanginess presumably attributable to a high vinegar content. The light red color with an orangish hue also suggests more vinegar and somewhat less cayenne. Louisiana brand is moderately hot. However, the heat of the last bottle I bought overcame the peppers' true flavor.The majority of cayenne sauces are virtually identical to Louisiana, such as off-brands and the competitively priced Texas Pete. Truly, it's hard to go wrong when selecting a cayenne sauce. When in doubt, look for a deep red color and check the list of ingredients to confirm that peppers, not vinegar, is the number one ingredient. While true, "made in Louisiana" is a meaningless declaration. Cajun Chef is a noteworthy label, as it offers a richer cayenne flavor than most brands.Ironically, the best happens to be among the most obscure and inexpensive. What was 39 cents is now a whopping 69 cents. With a scarlet color and supremely rich cayenne flavor, the white-labeled Crystal emerged as the kick-ass favorite. The aged cayenne's tangy, round flavor is unencumbered by an excess of heat. This brand's smoothness enhances its versatility. I don't eat Ramen anymore, but Crystal remains a valuable accompaniment to a satisfying meal.Be it simple, bland, or delectable in its own right, finding the right condiment can take a dish to the next level. Whether it be the blaze of Tabasco or the fullness of Crystal, dining on farina or quiche, pepper sauce is a must for any kitchen. Take it from a former food service specialist -- ketchup is for children, imbeciles, and trailer trash.