http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Tue, 23 May 2006 13:16:08 EDT http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/23/131608.php Jeff KoubaAnd now, the end is here, and so we face the final graphic violence warning. My friends, I'll say it clear, I'll state my case, though it may be corny. Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, way too many to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate this show up and spit it out. I faced it all and I stood tall, and wrote it this way.The recaps remind us that this show was written by dropping a ball through a Pachinko machine. Each peg was labeled with a different possible plot development, and each peg the ball hit on the way down, that plot point was tossed into the script. At least the ball never hit the "Jack has a talking dog" peg.And so, it is time to deploy the Rantennae one last time. If I were a vampire, I'd live in Rantsylvania. My fellow reviewers and I form a Rant colony. Ok, stopping now.A sign tells us we are at a Private Marine Overhaul Facility. Why the sam hill this sub pulled up to a civilian dock, and not a military one, who knows. Why would this civilian port have the facilities to service a sub? Why didn't this thing sail down to San Diego? I know, never mind. The writers were making things up at the last minute, it's the best they could come up with to kill the last two hours.Jack is dead! Oh, it's some guard on the pavement. So, on a day of multiple terrorist attacks, an attack on the Russian president, terror attacks at an airport known to have involved Russian separatists, there was one person guarding this Russian sub?Hurrah! The baddies have flushed the Sentox nerve gas from the sub! *a hand is raised in the back* Um, where did it go? Did they just vent it into the outside air, killing whoever else happened to be in the port?Bierko says to start the countdown. C'mon. Do military subs really do "countdowns" when firing missiles? Then Bierko gives an inspirational speech to his newly formed band of baddies. He says "You can soar like an eagle, and be anything you want to be." No, wait, he says "We are close to finishing what we started today." Uh, come again? How's that? What you started today, Sgt. Bierko, was an attempt to ship a whole bunch of gas canisters back to Central Asia, and then attack Russia. Blowing up a lot of Los Angelananianiters is not quite the same thing.Bierko says he has identified 12 high-value targets. Oh, so that's what Bierko was doing while he was shacked up in CTU Medical? When he had no idea he was about to be freed? Cuz I don't when else Bierko would've cooked up these targets. Or, maybe he is like Marwan. Marwan was going to melt down a hundred reactors, and not content with that, was going to make the rubble bounce with a missile fired from Iowa. Bierko, not content to lay waste to most of LA with nerve gas, perhaps planned to hold back one canister cuz he planned all along to take the sub? Oy, he thinks big.Bierko's stitches make him look like one of Dr. Frankenstein's early experiments.Audrey hops on her IM and rings up Admiral Kirk.audreySnoogumms: u thr? Admiral Kirk: Say, r u another lonely space babe? Can I see yr pic? audreySnoogumms: shove it, creep. A Commie sub has been hibierkoed. Can u send f18s? Admiral Kirk: no can do. take 2 long.And, darn the luck, ground teams won't get there in time either. Convenient, that. Ya know, that F-18 got in the air and after the plane Jack hibauered within minutes. But here, it would take 22-25 minutes. What are the odds.Jack has visual contact with the sub. And he's not even using visual protection.Henderson wants a gun, and Jack is understandably reluctant. But, remind me again why Henderson is going in with Jack?Oh, look, someone on the sub is hoisting a petard and sending radio distress signals. Why, it's Petty Officer Tim Rooney! He's sending a Code 7 SOS, whatever that is.And why is he still alive? Says he was in a sealed compartment, which he closed off when the atmosphere warning thingies warned him. Of something. First, how does he know how to read Russian atmosphere warning thingies? And second, are these warning sensors designed to look for nerve gas? I can understand CO and CO2, but who would put a sensor on a sub to test for nerve gas?Back at CTU, Chloe has instantly figured out how to read sub schematics.Jack has a job for Rooney. He needs Rooney to open the forward hatch. Oh, and kill the guard standing by it.Rooney says "Danggit, Jim. I'm an engineer, not an engineer."Jack relents and gives Henderson a .45 pistol.Back at the retreat, Logan is wetting himself over the sub crisis. Martha talks to Aaron. She's still trying to catch Mike's attention.At CTU, just how does Chloe have a timer up for the missiles? How does she know when they'll fire? Anyone? Is she tapped into the Russkie sub's telemetry? And if so, how?Jack tries to coax Rooney into killing the guard. And has some very specific medical instructions. He says "Slit his throat. Cut deep to sever the vocal chords and carotid artery." Eek. Do not try this at home, kids.Jack says "You need to focus on the objective", but the krazy kaptions have him saying "I want you to visualize the hostile on the ground, dead." And Jack keeps calling Rooney "son."Alas, Rooney doesn't make the old man proud. The whole throat-slitting thing doesn't go so well. It's more like a throat stabbing. But, in the end, Rooney says "My status is...he's dead."And splash one bad guy as someone goes into the drink. Did they bother dragging the body up and out of the hatch? Why not just stuff him in a cabin somewhere?While up top though, the missile hatches open. Somehow, Chloe magically knows the missiles are about to fire. She says "You have less than seven minutes." But, the krazy kaptions have her saying "You have less than four minutes." Perhaps the writers figured out later they needed the extra three minutes so all this would seem plausible.Team Bauer is going to storm the control room. Jack tells Rooney, aka BulletCatcher, "You go first." Thanks. Rooney is to create a diversion to draw the baddies out of the control room. Perhaps he'll stage a midget-wrestling event.Wha...? Bierko is talking about sending a missile to San Francisco! Apparently, he's not content to hit LA?Jack has yet another visual. Then, Crawly Jack goes slithering down the floor. Again, Chloe the Sorceress knows the missiles are armed.Jack hides behind a console, and when the baddie is near, Jack leaps up and knifes the baddies. Eew. Too bad Junior, I mean, Rooney isn't around to see how it should be done.Now, Jack goes Bierko hunting. Rooney's diversion was to tip a tool cart over. Bierko takes two others to investigate. There is a fight. Jack wings Bierko. He shoots a steam pipe. (Are there really hot steam pipes like this on modern subs?) Jack steams one baddie to death, and then break's Bierko's neck with his thighs, taking his inspiration from Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp.All this time, Henderson has been busy trying to disarm the missiles. And he succeeds. Oh, so that was why Buckaroo was along. But just how does Henderson know how to do this?Anyway, by the time Jack is done with Bierko, he realizes Henderson is gone. He goes up top, and Henderson gets the drop on him. Jack admits he wasn't really going to let Henderson go. Henderson fires at Jack, but... *click click*. Clever Jack. No bullets in the gun.Then, Jack executes Henderson. That really is just wrong. Isn't that murder, really? Jack is not judge and jury. Junior, I mean, Rooney just stands there with his mouth open catching flies, shocked at what his pappy just did.Whew. And finally, we get to the first commercial break! Clocks are at :21 to :21. But, coming back, the clocks are at :27 to :25. Suddenly, everyone around me is wearing white jumpsuits with no zippers and they're listening to a bald headed man spout slogans on a TV screen.Oh, now naval security shows up. Jack talks to Bill, and he lies, saying Henderson fired on him, and he didn't have a choice. I'm losing some respect for Jack here.Jack wants to talk to Chloe on the QT. He isn't going back to CTU, he's going after Logan. He needs some help modifying field comm equipment. Surely, that will void the warranty.Chloe asks "Field comm equipment? What is it?" Jack says "Technology that allows us to communicate in a wireless fashion, but that's not important right now."Mike tells Logan that all known associates of Bierko are dead or in custody. Given Bierko's multiple teams he's put together, I think the safe thing would be to assume they have no idea how many more "associates" are out there. Of course, between the two of them, Bierko and Henderson might have cleaned out the supply of evil henchmen in LA.Logan wants to say some words by David Palmer's casket, which is going back to DC. This is the very definition of chutzpah.Martha finally gets Mike's attention, and no, not by flashing her girls, as she did earlier in the season. Mike asks a logical question, he asks "Mrs. Logan, have you been...?"Logan calls Graham and tells him the happy news about the sub, but apparently, Graham already knows. And how? We have no idea. But, he apparently doesn't know Henderson is dead. So, not clear how Graham is getting his information. I'm sure the writers have no idea either.Martha tells Mike everything. They go find Aaron. Mike knows the people at the Western Gate. Suddenly we're in Jerusalem? Martha and Aaron share a tender goodbye. No kissy, just a thank-you.Clocks are at :41 to :37.Mike and Aaron are out in the woods not so much burying Agent Adams as dumping him to be left as coyote food. Jack calls for Aaron. Mike says "This is a real mess, Jack." Stop talking to the writers, Mike, and just say your lines.Jack wants to get a confession out of Logan. Ooh, goody, I sense torture! Jack is still 20 minutes away.At CTU, Karen has been recalled to DC. Apparently, the White House is unhappy with her job performance.Radar O'Chloe comes in, needing Karen to sign for an authorization code. It's for someone named "Morris." Apparently, he's currently selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills. Karen asks "Is this a joke?" Why yes, yes it is. Because, Bill says this "Morris" is Chloe's ex-husband.What? I'm sure this seemed funny when the writers wrote it half-stoned at 3 in the morning, but what is the point of adding this wrinkle at this late date?And! And! This Ba-bing Guy is Morris! He's there already? And he's dressed. Was he camping outside the door? How did he get there so fast?And wait, there's more. He's a charming Brit who calls everyone "Love". OK, so the writers need to kill a couple of hours, so they steal the character of Daphne's brother from Frasier and hope nobody notices.Chloe needs Morris to crank up a digital transfer rate to 6.8, as she can only manage a 6.5. Super Chloe, bested by her ex-husband in a technogeek task? That's gotta chafe her hide.At the retreat, Mike tells Martha she has to find a way to keep Logan at the retreat, so Jack has time to get in place. I swear, as soon as I first heard this, my first thought was "Oh no, please not that." Yes, it's that.Clocks are at :53 to :46.Jack arrives and hooks up with Aaron. Well, meets him. It's nearly 6 in the morning, and it's still pitch dark. Jack needs to get in the chopper that will take Logan to the airport.So, Martha puts into motion her grand scheme. Logan is packing. Say, why doesn't Martha wonder where Evelyn is? Wouldn't she want her flunky around to be packing up for her?Martha and Logan have an extra slimy conversation. Martha acts like she's sorry and that she needs her little Chucky Wucky, and Logan is surprised that his gorgeous wife still apparently has the hots for him.Martha really lays it on thick. There is some First Kissy Kissy. Logan gets a boyish grin, and suggests they stay for a bit. The helicopter will wait. A suit jacket comes off.Oh my. Martha is really really praying Jack will hurry up.This hour ends with the clocks way out of whack at :60 to :53.ok, this is the last graphic violence warning. I mean it this time. And, for the ADD crowd, we recap what we just finished watching.Martha is... putting on a French maid outfit? What? Oh, she's getting dressed. Already? You mean they... And he... Oh my. Logan is a real Minute Man. They did it while Martha was getting dressed? It's only been a few minutes. Please let us devote no more thought as to what Martha must have done. Sometimes this show is as messed up as Fibber McGee's closet.Jack finds a flight suit. And then, goes through a long elaborate charade to print up false protocols and lure the real co-pilot in and put the sleeper hold on him, so Jack can walk out to the chopper and pretend to be the replacement co-pilot Ron Franklin.Martha makes up an excuse of needing more drugs, so she won't get on the chopper with Logan. Except, I'm sure it's not an excuse. After what she had to do, she's probably about to throw up.Logan gets in the chopper, gives a thumbs up, and off they go. Say, how did Jack know what the pre-flight routine is? Was he just flipping switches and turning dials and babbling nonsense, while the pilot just stared at him in disbelief? "Uh, yeah, the air gauge is all go, and, um, flaps are in the upright position, and our radio thing is sailing five by five, roger."When they are in the air, Jack gives the pilot two choices. Live or Die. The pilot chooses the former. Jack goes in the back and tasers the two agents with Logan, and tosses some cuffs at Logan. Logan is a mite surprised to see Jack.Jack yells up at the pilot. Can he hear over the sound of the helo? Lucky the pilot didn't misunderstand and think Jack said to fly them to the middle of a military base.And this pilot is awfully willing to save his own neck and sacrifice the president. No noble deeds here.Logan starts to babble at Jack, trying to save his skin, saying all manner of things. Say, is Jack recording this? This is pretty much a confession. Jack just stares, and it bothers Logan.When they land, Jack tasers the pilot. Hasn't this helo been on radar? Don't folks keep pretty close tabs on the president? Does anyone know where the helo went? And where they are is some kind of abandoned printing press.The krazy kaptions have Jack saying "Move inside, go." but we don't hear anything.Logan offers Jack money, anything. Not so tough now, are we Chuckles? Jack cuffs him to a pole, as he did that baddie back in the mall.Morris comes in and gives Jack his souped up equipment. Morris catches sight of Logan. Jack just tells Morris to beat it.Ah, apparently folks do know where Logan is. Jack has 10 minutes before security forces get there. Chloe tells Jack all this, and then says "We'll all be arrested for treason." What's this "we" stuff? It's just Jack and Chloe breaking a whole truckload of laws.Going into the first commercial break, clocks are at :14 to :14. And, coming out, clocks are at :18 to :18! They match! What's going on? Unprecedented! Forest animals are in a panic! The glaciers are melting! The desert is blooming! The lion lies down with the lamb! Bob Saget is funny!Ah, there it is, sunrise!Jack tries to get Logan to talk, but doesn't get anywhere. Logan makes a good point. He says if he's tortured, of course he'll say something, but it won't mean anything, and everyone will discount what he says.Jack says to Logan "I will kill you." Then, he sits down in front of Logan and gives a history lesson. Jack says he has nothing to lose.Logan keeps shrieking "Good of the country! Good of the country!" Jack says "If you think I'm scared to put a bullet in your brain, you don't know me." Aw, there was the perfect time to say "You don't know Jack." Jack points the gun at Logan and is going to count to three. Not four, not two, except he immediately proceedeth to three. Logan, impressively, has enough composure to launch into a long discussion of previous presidential assassins.Jack counts. One! Two! Five! But... Jack can't do it. He can't pull the trigger. Logan tenderly says "Jack, it's all right." Jack puts the gun down and assumes the position as security forces close in and arrest him. Logan thinks he should be put in solitary confinement.In a fitting commercial, there is an ad for Pirates of the Caribbean, which also has a character named Jack.Clocks are at :29 to :28. Ah, it was inevitable we would slide out of phase.And, typical of 24, we're only 10 minutes after sunrise and it's broad daylight.We're at the airport now. Mike tells Martha Jack is in custody. Some First Kissy and Photos for the press.Palmer's casket is put on a bier. (Please, no jokes at a time like this about needing a beer.)And then, Martha has another "episode." She freaks, yelling and screaming "You're a murderer! Don't you touch me! It's a sacrilege." etc... Martha is hustled away into a hangar. Logan will go see if she's "all right."And oh dear! Logan just hauls off and slaps Martha! That is harsh. Then, he paws at her, wanting another go around. I mean, he checks her for listening devices. Logan realizes it was Martha's job to "delay" him. (Didn't delay him very long, did it. You'd think she'd know that about her husband.) Martha is really having a conniption now. She shrieks "You're insane." Again Logan with the "good of the country" bit. Logan then threatens her with drugs and "Vermont" for the rest of her life.Logan asks "Are we clear?" Ok, all together now. Crystal.Clocks are at :39 to :38.Martha is struggling to keep her stuff together. Logan salutes the casket and begins to speak. He says "This has been a terrible day." Ok, Itzen, you stop talking to the writers, too. Actually, wasn't yesterday the "terrible day"?Now, we cut to CTU. The Attorney General is on the phone. Chloe arranged it without permission from Karen. Chloe is going to play a recording. What recording? We're as surprised as Karen.Oh, I see. Apparently Jack planted a listening device on Logan. Clever boy. Rooney could learn a lot from his old man.It's a recording of Logan and Martha in the hangar. Logan admits to everything.So, the AG makes a call to US Marshall Holtzman on the tarmac. He'll do what the AG says. The agents go on stage. Which makes Logan nervous.Holtzman quietly tells Logan he is under arrest. Martha is standing there with one of the all time great smirks. Enjoy your triumph, Martha. You earned it.Mike tries to smirk as well, but mostly ends up looking like the Wise Old Man of the Mountain with a bit of gas.In a strange parallel, Palmer's casket is loaded onto the plane, and Logan is put into a vehicle. Two presidents making their farewell.Well, show's over now? We can go home? Nyoop, not yet.Back at the printing press, Audrey shows up. A tender moment with Jack as the Hey Hey theme tinkles on the piano.An agent wades hip deep into the mush and tells Jack there is a call from Kim. It's been patched to a landline inside the building.Um, first, why not just give Jack a cell phone. Second, how did they know what number to patch the call to, and third, why are there working phone lines in this abandoned building?Ah, but not all is as it seems. Jack goes inside, and two masked men jump him and drug him.Clocks are at :53 to :51.Karen tells Bill he'll be back running CTU again soon. Bill toes the floor in an aw shucks way and asks Karen out on a breakfast date. She has to run, but smiles and asks for a rain check. Bill and Karen sitting in a tree...Bill has a tender moment with Chloe. He gives her something found in Edgar's possessions. It's a photo of Edgar and Chloe, Edgar is smiling like he just won a 10 minutes shopping spree in a grocery store. Chloe is burdened with memories, and it is a touching scene. Then, to ruin it all, Morris sticks his snout in and asks Chloe if she wants to talk about it. Surprisingly, she does.Audrey goes looking for Jack, and realizes he is gone. She tells Agent Davis, who immediately asks for three people on the perimeter. Oh, sadly he doesn't know how utterly ineffective perimeters are.We are somewhere else now. Some Chinese guys drop a sack of hamburger on the floor. Oh dear, it's Jack. He doesn't look so good. All beat up and bloody.So, was this what Logan had in store for Jack? To give Jack back to the Chinese? But, how did the Chinese get to the printing press so quickly? Nobody knew that's where Jack would be? Did they fly in with the security team that rescued Logan? Sigh.Hey, it's the Chinese Security Guy from the Consulate last year! The one that waltzed right into the heart of CTU, a sensitive intelligence location. But it was ok, CTU was just going to cover up the monitors.Security Guy says "China has a long memory. Did you think we'd forget?" They're like elephants!Then, we cut to the exterior of, I have to say it, a slow boat to China.Fittingly, the season ends with clocks out of kilter. :60 to :57.So, a unique ending. What does it mean for next year? Curtis flies to China to bust Jack out of prison? (Speaking of Curtis, he wasn't in the finale at all.) Jack in prison, meets an old man who tells him the location of a fabulous treasure and Jack returns to get vengeance? We shall see.Now, as I did last year, I offer this in closing. This is in honor of all those who have made it this far with me. Thanks for coming along for the ride.What's he that wishes so? My cousin Wendell? No, my fair cousin; If we are mark'd to die, we are now To do this show loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour. God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more watch this show. By Jove, I am not covetous for internal logic, Nor care I who doth feed upon my reviews; It yearns me not if men my blog read; Such outward things dwell not in my desires. But if it be a sin to covet something that maketh sense, I am the most offending soul alive. No, faith, my coz, wish not another episode. God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour As one man more methinks would share from me For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more! Rather proclaim it, through my internet host, That he which hath no stomach to this viewing, Let him depart; his passport shall be made, And crowns for convoy put into his purse; We would not die in that man's company That fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is call'd Season 5. He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tiptoe when this day is nam'd, And rouse him at the name of 24. He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say 'I have all the seasons on DVD.' Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say 'These wounds I had on the fifth day.' Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, But he'll remember, with advantages, What feats he did that day. Then shall our names, Familiar in his mouth as household words- Jack the King, Bill and Chloe, Curtis and Audrey, Aaron and Martha- Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red. This story shall the good man teach his son to avoid; And 24 shall ne'er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remembered- We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that watches this show with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition; And gentlemen on their couches now-a-bed Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That watched with us upon this fifth day.Our intrepid guest critic, Paul Foth, was in Los Angeles when the finale aired. Surrounded by graphic violence, he used his discretion to poke his head above the table in his hotel room and look out the window. Amid the missile explosions, clouds of nerve gas, hails of bullets, gales of emotive outbursts, tornadoes of plot points, and tsunamis of continuity errors, he seemed to sense a dichotomy. The people in the streets--those who weren't terrorists or being killed by terrorists, anyway--seemed to be saying, "Jack Bauer, you fight your war. We'll go about our lives."Paul was about to give me his review, but he ducked inside an abandoned warehouse to take a call from his Auntie Mildred. And, I haven't seen him since. Not sure where he went. Paul? Paul? I'll go check the perimeter...Number of times Jack says "Now!": 38 Number of times Jack says "No!": 8 Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 46 Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 36 Number of moles: 5 Final Approximate Body Count: 109 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU, plus whoever else was on the Russian sub) Video48174@blogcritics.org Tue, 23 May 2006 13:16:08 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/17/015533.php Jeff KoubaHey, the graphic violence warning looks like President Bush! What's going on?In the recaps, a VCI is in great distress, an F-18 flies through the air with the greatest of ease, it's Moving Day for Bierko, Logan hums to himself "Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please," and Miles ruins a perfectly good tape.As this week's episode falls into a Rancor pit, and we're left to scavenge for a logical plot among the bones of previous victims, Karen says the Attorney General will be on in five minutes. She hasn't told the AG about the contents of the tape yet. Boy is his day going to be off to a rough start. I bet he's wondering what happened to that immunity deal he got for Collette last night.Chloe has a T1 line to the AG (what, no T3?), and Congressional reps will be involved, so they could quickly start impeachment proceedings.Team Bauer sits down with their popcorn and bunny slippers to listen to the tape, but all they hear is *HISSSSSSSSSS*. That can't be a good thing.Jack is vexed. He vexes at Chloe "You were responsible for the tape! What happened?" Chloe is flummoxed and bamboozled and hornswoggled.Bill, always the manager, says they'll just tell the AG there are "technical difficulties." How many sins has that one covered in human history?Chloe finally realizes that the only human being (and I use that term loosely) who got near her in the last few minutes was Miles. Karen and Jack go storming after Miles, looking like they're about to commit several felonies. Jack commits a minor infraction by knocking over a White Shirt. (So who wears white shirts and who wears red shirts now? It's gotten confusing with both around.)Jack grabs Miles and attempts to turn him into a pretzel. Miles says he's just been transferred to the White House. (So, he's gonna hop on a plane to DC now?)Karen gives Miles the disappointed parent routine, and then says "There will be an investigation." Miles sneers and says "Do what you have to do. I work for the President now." Good one Miles, you've just hitched your wagon to the biggest criminal in US political history. And you're doing nothing but setting fire to all the bridges behind you.And then, to the cheers of millions around the globe, Karen slaps Miles. What, no knee to the groinal regionaria?At this point, Logan calls up to gloat, in a roundabout way of course. He says he'll leave the decision to release Jack to Karen's discretion. Apparently RunLoganRun is not worried about the Chinese?With all that taken care, it's time to move on to the next plot point. Word comes in that Bierko has escaped. There is remarkably little curiosity in CTU about how the bad guys could have pulled this off. I've said before though, moles in CTU are so common, everyone just assumes the baddies know everything, and that every mission is already compromised.It is here that the plot, which to this point has been so tight and internally consistent, hits a bit of a rough patch. (I don't know, does my sarcasm come through in this medium?)First, we are told the attack on Bierko's caravan happened 10 minutes ago, AND, that the caravan was attacked by an IED. Let's take that one by one. First, Bierko left only about 10 minutes ago! Did this attack happen in CTU's driveway? Second, an IED?! What is this, CTU Baghdad? For the IED to work, since it just sits in place and waits for something to drive by, the baddies would have had to have known the route the caravan was going to take. How?Next, what was with the PORTENTOUS NOD Bierko gave the driver at the end of last episode? Obviously an indication that the driver was part of this attack, but what was his role? If the plan was to attack with an IED and then a team, why did the baddies need an inside man? Surely that driver didn't decide the route to take. And did anyone tell him there would be an IED attack?Next, we're told there were six attackers. Where did these guys come from? Master Recruiter Henderson didn't round them up. The rest of Bierko's team was taken down at the gas distribution plant. So who arranged all of this? And in just a few hours?The survivor on the scene said Bierko mentioned nerve gas. We see Bierko arriving at another bad guy hideout, and apparently his team had saved one of the gas cylinders. Why? Did Bierko know this? I was busy banging my head on the wall at this point, so couldn't hear everything, but it seemed like Bierko wasn't aware they had one remaining cylinder. Why would his team save one without telling him about it?There's more to this lunatic plot development, but we'll come back to it.We go to the first break a little early, with the clocks at :9 to :9. When we come back, the clocks are at :13 to :11. Somewhere beneath the Citadel, a Netherworlder strikes the Gong of Time.At the presidential retreat, Martha is turning into a druggie. She's popping pills like candy. Hmm, Jack kicked his drug habit in a matter of hours, now Martha is developing a drug habit in a matter of hours. But, driven by her inner demons, she flings the pills across the room. Weird violin music is playing during all this. Perhaps the musicians dove on the pills and scarfed them up.Martha sees Agent Pierce's phone, and flags down Agent Cole and asks that the phone be returned to Pierce, at whatever radar station in Alaska he happens to be manning.And then, we meet up again with Dear Agent Pierce. He is tied up in a room in the retreat. His face has stopped a few oncoming fists, and is bloodied. Logan comes in and says "Oh my God." Uh, Charles, this is all your doing. Logan is kind enough to say "Sorry about this, Aaron." Followed by some tough love. "You think you know what's going on. You don't."Aaron reaches down into his inner moxie and says "Explain it to me." Logan explains. "The recording doesn't exist. You have a choice." And it's not much of a choice. Remain quiet and he can have any post he wants, except the White House. Otherwise, dot dot dot.Agent Pierce has truly grown into a rich character. Always noble and loyal, he's displayed some real strength this season. Here, he says to Logan "You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to this office. It's my duty to see you're brought to justice." And then, in perhaps the best line of the season, Pierce says "Is there anything else, Charles?" Pierce practically spits out that last "Charles".Logan is taken aback, and takes Pierce's answer as a no. All in all though, I don't understand why it was necessary to beat up Pierce. Were they trying to get information from him? What did he know? Just pure revenge? What sadistic Secret Service agent would be a part of that? Just Agent Thug?Outside in some tunnel (where are they anyway?) Agent Thug says to Logan "Believe me, he's going to be a problem." Logan has a look that does not promise happiness and light for Agent Pierce.Still in this whatever it is, Logan calls up Graham. In a spectacular, and rare, example of continuity, the writers remembered that the last Graham knew, Logan was going to splatter his DNA all over the walls of the retreat. So, Graham says "I didn't expect to hear from you."Logan says all is well. The tape ws taken care of, Wifey is being handled, and Pierce is being taken care of. Also, Logan says Bauer will be taken out. You just can't trust weak, easily manipulated presidents these days.Novick comes trotting into these tunnel and sees Logan. Novick spills the news that Bierko has escaped. Logan seems genuinely surprised. He says "What?! How?!" I'd accept this as proof Logan wasn't a part of Bierko's escape, but Logan was genuinely worried about Bierko earlier in the season, though that was before the writers decided Logan was actually Evil. So, it's entirely possible the writers have no clue yet if Logan really knows about Bierko or not.Back at CTU (our motto: We release every terrorist we catch back into the wild!), Karen asks Chloe if she's having any luck. Chloe says "only the bad kind." And darnnit, the satellites didn't happen to be watching the IED attack site. What are the odds. The satellites happened to catch the helicopter attacking the SecDef, and caught Henderson's meeting with the copilot, and the copilot's trip to the diplomatic flight. Too bad the plot called for no satellite coverage here.LAPD said there were no witnesses to the IED attack. The curfew and all. Jack thinks Henderson can help find Bierko, but doesn't think he'll talk. Karen and Bill want to offer Buckaroo a deal, but Jack is less than supportive of the idea. Bill tries a guilt trip on Jack and asks "What would David Palmer do?" Great, now FOX is going to hawking WWDPD bracelets on their website.Jack gives in and agrees that with the time constraints, Henderson should get a deal, but he wants to be the one to talk to Henderson. Henderson immediately sniffs out what is really going on. He taunts Jack. Jack appeals to Henderson's patriotism. Buckaroo huffs about the politics of survival. Buckaroo also knows about Jack and the Chinese.He says of the people behind all this, "You can't touch them, but they can touch you." He agrees to help Jack, but only if he helps Henderson disappear and leave the country with his wife. (The wife with the shot up gams courtesy of Jack, I might add.)Jack agrees. Clocks are at :29 to :27.Henderson coughed up 14 names that CTU might try. 14? What else is he sitting on? Curtis will be in charge of the response team. Audrey is up and about. And she's dressed. Apparently nearly bleeding to death isn't enough to keep her down. Jack says to Audrey "Karen gave Henderson a deal," conveniently leaving out his role in the deal.CTU has a bead on one of the names. Joseph Malina, an arms dealer. A call was made at 4:03 from a pay phone in Van Nuys, not far from the ambush site. Uh-huh. Let's bring the logic train to a screeching halt again, shall we?Bierko left only shortly before 4. He got all the way up to Van Nuys in five minutes? Worse, craziest of all, think about the plan Bierko hatched in the approximately 60 seconds that elapsed between the attack and the phone call to Malina. Bierko instantly put a plan together to use the one remaining gas cylinder. He instantly decided to call Malina, and as we'll see in a bit, Malina provided him with plans to a Russian sub.Just how did that conversation go? Did Bierko ask Malina for ideas on how to use the gas? Did Bierko already know about the sub, and he just asked Malina for specs on it? Recall that Bierko's original plan was to ship these cylinders to Central Asia. Then, the amazing back up plan was to use the cylinders in the gas plant. Now, the amazing back up back up plan, thrown together in a minute, literally, is to gas a Russian sub. Mein Gott, what could Bierko accomplish if he spent a couple hours hatching an evil plot? I'm going to resume banging my head on the wall.Henderson wants to talk to Malina. Apparently Malina is a true geek with all the latest tech, including a magic Phoenix Shield, which is resistant to all CTU attacks, and adds +3 to all destroy hard drive rolls.Jack will go with Henderson, to make sure there is no hanky-panky.Back at the retreat, Martha is out smoking when she sees a car pull up. The trunk pops open. Uh-oh. It's Agent Thug, and he's holding a pistol with a silencer attached.Agent Thug reappears with Pierce. Martha rushes to the aid of her knight in shining, uh, suit and tie. She asks "What are you doing? Are you going to shoot me?" as Agent Thug points the gun at her. There is a struggle, fight fight, kick hit punch. The gun is free. Martha grabs it and shoots Agent Thug! Wow, people do so many crazy things when they're high on drugs. (If I'm rushing through this, it's because my head hurts from banging it on the wall.)Clocks are at :40 to :36.Curtis is schlepping Jack and Henderson around in an SUV. They arrive at Malina's place. Luckily he only lived a few minutes from CTU. Jack tells Curtis "Set up a perimeter." How he keeps saying that with a straight face I don't know.Jack wants to wire Henderson, but Malina the Technomage will detect it. Say, don't Bierko and/or Malina know that Henderson has been captured? I suppose it's possible they don't, and I suppose Bierko didn't know Henderson was just down the hall at CTU, but you'd think Bierko at least would know Henderson was nabbed and escaped several times today.Henderson goes in. Malina has a device that shows Henderson's body is filled with blue plasma. That would explain Henderson's super powers. He's an alien.Jack is up on the roof, listening to the conversation below. Henderson tells Malina that CTU is outside. That fink! He tells Malina to crash his files.Luckily CTU happened to bring a blow torch, and CTU comes in with guns blazing. Curtis is winged in the fight. Malina is hipped.After the fight, Curtis is sent back to CTU Medical, for at least the third time in the past few hours. He must be getting tired of it. (Though, this time he is the patient, and the other times he was just the ambulance.)Henderson is all mad, because his betrayal was really a ruse. He was trying to get Malina to put his files on a flash drive that CTU could use.Now, I beg you, Gods of Logic and Reason, please explain why Henderson didn't bother sharing this plan with Jack? What reason could he have had for concealing it? Jack would've gone along with it in an instant. And by telling CTU, Henderson could avoid getting shot by mistake in any gunfight. Gaaaah!Clocks are at :52 to :47.Back at the stable, Martha is tenderly tenderizing Pierce. Martha knows Logan ordered Pierce killed. Pierce says to Martha "I'm sorry to tell you Charles was involved in much worse things than that."Super Agent Martha and Pierce figure out their plan. Pierce will stay out of sight. Martha will find Mike and tell all, and then send him to Pierce.CTU rummages through what is left of Malina's computer and finds plans for a Russian sub. A Natalia-K524 Delta IV class. There happens to be one in LA, undergoing a US Navy inspection. (Part of the deal brokered with Suvarov.) You'd think after the gas cylinder plot was uncovered, CTU and HS would be suspicious of a Russian sub docked in LA.Henderson says the sub as 12 Scorpion land attack missiles that could do considerable damage to LA. So, off they go to try and stop Bierko from taking over the sub.Jack says "Get in!" but the krazy kaptions say "Go!" I'll count that one.Audrey already has the senior Navy officer on the sub on the phone. Jack tells him that terrorists are after the missiles. The sub goes on alert. The LT goes topside, only to see Bierko and company there, just before the baddies shoot him.The baddies don gas masks and drop the cylinder into the sub. The gas kills whoever is on the sub. (We see only four drop. I'm assuming there was more.)Bierko finds the control computer and puts in the code he got from Malina. A255TR99.The missiles are loaded. I wish I were loaded. This plot hurts my head.This steaming pile of episode comes to an end with the clocks at :60 to :55.Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jack and all his kin We would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have one last heapin' helpin' of this insanity Y'all come back now, ya hear?And now, once again, here is guest critic Paul Foth. He caught his boss stealing from the office coffee fund, so his boss ordered a coworker to "take care" of Paul. But, the coworker tore a nail slamming the trunk, and Paul was able to escape and send this in.*** I don't know what to make of this, but I'm actually going to be in Los Angeles the evening of the season finale. Should I bring a Kevlar umbrella?My my my, Bierko's last gasp -- er, final contingency plan -- is a submarine. This coda feels like they had the season all finished and were shaking hands when the intern piped up and said, "Uh, guys? This only adds up to twenty-one hours." They beat the intern up and promptly hot-glued another three hours onto the raggedy edges of Jack kissing Audrey's knee in Medical. Business as usual, in other words.Did you see how fast the Sentox MaxKill VX-1/6 UberDeathCloud worked this time?! It must've been no more than twenty seconds from the time Team Bierko closed the hatch to the time the crew was pushing up daisies. And it seemed like Mr. B and Co. were traipsing along getting the missiles ready to launch awfully quickly after the sub crew was taken care of. Don't they have the slightest qualm that just gas masks might not be enough protection against such a lethal gas? Or are they assuming that an air handling system that distributes the gas throughout the sub in twenty seconds also gets rid of it in another five? Well, whatever.So Henderson doesn't want immunity; he wants to disappear. He wants Jack to use his skills (and Hood of Infinite Disguises) to make that happen, so that the Clip-on Phone Squad won't be able to find him. But, but, but.... The Clip-on Phone Squad knew Jack was alive. What makes Henderson think Jack's skills (and Hood of Protection Against Gas Attack) can hide him if they couldn't hide Jack? Granted, the CoPS didn't know exactly WHERE Jack was, but it certainly didn't take them long to flush him out once they put their plan in motion.And at last Henderson acknowledges his wife again, although he doesn't mention that she's still tied up in her house with a fresh bullet wound, and might need to get that looked at before hightailing it to Anonymityville.Where's Wayne?While watching the previously-on-24's, the shot of Jack putting his gun to the co-pilot's head and telling him to land the plane reminded me of this sort of situation (i.e., someone who's the only person with an important skill being threatened with death if they don't perform said skill in order to save the person with the gun) arising in countless other TV shows and movies. What if the pilot refuses? Is Jack really going to shoot him? Who's going to land the plane then?The same sort of reasoning applies when Agent Stoneface is telling Aaron to get into the trunk of the car. Why does he even think Aaron will do this? "If you don't, I'll kill you. If you do, I'll kill you...just not so soon." He must realize that Aaron's going to make it as difficult as possible for him, and refuse to get in the trunk. Then again, Stoneface is something of a junior agent. Maybe he hasn't been to the Efficient Killing of a Fellow Agent seminar yet.Aaron is one of the best characters on this series. His standing up to Logan is just great. He knows he hasn't got a chance of surviving, and yet he spits right in the guy's eye. It's just too bad CTU doesn't have a single employee like him (and Lord help us if he ends up there next season, because they'll corrupt him like a small town freshman at Macalester).Looks like the finale is going to be quite loud. My prediction is that the first hour will be devoted to taking care of Bierko and the second will deal with Logan. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the CoPS will get away and somehow provide a lead-in for next season. ***Number of times Jack says "Now!": 33 Number of times Jack says "No!": 8 Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 42 Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 30 Number of moles: 5 Approximate Body Count: 100 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU, plus whoever else was on the Russian sub) Video47834@blogcritics.org Wed, 17 May 2006 01:55:33 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/09/144335.php Jeff KoubaA Jack-ku The graphic violence warning is among the clouds. My mood is tender.And I ask again, what was violent about this episode, let alone graphic?When the recaps started, I thought I was watching the wrong episode, because it went back to Bierko blowing up the gas distribution plant. That happened hours ago. We see the assault on the plant. We see Jack hibauering the plane. And Logan wants Bauer. The copilot tells Jack they will be on the ground in 15 minutes. Huh? The plane was flying for much longer than that. How is it faster going back to Van Nuys than going out? Maybe they are going downhill.And now, we are go for main engine rant.As we begin, we see a model of a plane hanging from a thread. I mean, we see the hijacked plane, and underneath it, the credits say "Kiefer Sutherland." So, the plane is Kiefer Sutherland?The copilot says to Jack "I think you broke my nose." But, he only has a small microdot of blood by his nose. If his nose was really broken, it would be like Old Faithful.Now, the copilot says they'll be on the ground in 21 minutes. So, despite the fact several minutes have passed since the copilot first said they'd be down in 15, they've lost time and now it's 21 minutes? Are they going back uphill?We see Bill being uncuffed. Apparently, his interrogation with Karen went well.Jack is having a long chat with Karen. He wants a safe escort back to CTU. Karen tells him Audrey is in CTU Medical, and that she'll be ok. She doesn't know CTU Medical very well yet, does she?Curtis goes in to see Audrey and... va va voom! Audrey is in the hospital bed in a nice teddy! Rowwrrr! CTU does their female patients up right.Holy hit the reset button, Batman! Curtis tells Audrey that SecDef Heller is alive! A team fished him out of the drink 30 minutes ago. (So Heller held his breath for 30 minutes?) Oh man. What a cheat.I can imagine the scene with the rescue team at the top of the cliff where Heller went over. "Ok, you get one share for being a person in the ambulance, one share for being a person who pulled Heller out, and one share for being a person at the scene. You, you get one share for ..." "Hey, wait, Now look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and each time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody didn't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old SecDef, for himself!"Karen calls Curtis and orders him take a team and get Jack back before anyone else can get to him. I do give credit to CTU for matching Henderson team for team. I don't know where CTU is getting all their agents, since a good chunk of them must have been killed in the gas attack. Some are apparently out on meaningless tac teams near places like Bill's house. Yet, there are still enough left over to be sitting around the locker room ready to leave immediately with Curtis.At the presidential retreat, Logan is standing in...a desert mirage? What's with all the wavy lights and Forbidden Planet music?Graham is on the phone. He's figuring out a way to shoot down the plane. He'll gin up a VCI distress signal. Apparently this is a signal that a plane is being hibauered and that the baddies plan to use the plane as a weapon. I'm not sure how a pilot would ascertain that a hijacker planned to use the plane as a weapon, yet still be in control of the plane to send the signal. Would the terrorist be banging on the cockpit door yelling, "Hey, open up in there! I want to crash this thing into something on the ground!"Logan is agreeable to this plan. But Graham says, "You sound reluctant." He's starting to sound like Logan's boyfriend. Logan just hangs up. People do that on this show a lot. Doesn't anyone have the courtesy to say "goodbye," as a signal that the conversation is complete?Bill wants to bring Chloe in. At this point, I'm wondering if Jack has even listened to the tape yet. Is he sure he has what he thinks he has?Miles is pouting, wondering why Bill is free. Miles is working on getting transfer orders for Bierko.And now, Logan is talking to Admiral Kirkland of Point Mugu. Oh, oh, which way to go. Admiral Kirk versus Point Magoo. "I AM KIROK!" versus "Oh Magoo, you've done it again!" I think you know what you must do.Admiral Kirk launches into a long diatribe about how 20 million in L.A. are now a target of this rogue plane hibauered by Jack. (I'm not sure how Admiral Kirk knows about Bauer being accused of killing David Palmer.) He says, "These terrorists have been killing 3 million people a year. An actual attack won't kill any more people, but it would end their ability to make war. The fighting will be over permanently. But you didn't know it won't work. No. It will be a calculated risk. Corbomite! Yes, Corbomite. We'll tell Bauer that F-18 is packed to the gills with Corbomite."Logan says "Admiral Kirk, my old friend. I want you to shoot down that plane."Admiral Kirk says, "Still 'old friend.' You've managed to kill just about everyone else. But like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target."At CTU, an interagency sub-net is ringing off the hook, and Very Important Piece of Paper comes in. Karen tells Jack that Logan has ordered the plane removed from the skies with force.Jack says they need 5000 feet of runway to put the plane down, and wants CTU to figure out a suitable freeway. Then, Jack cuffs the copilot to the controls. I guess he still has questions about the copilot's motivations.I think Kiefer knows about our "Now!" counter, because he launches into a string of them that really sends the total up this episode. Thanks for the boost, Kiefer!As we go into the first commercial break, the clocks are at :12 to :12. As we come back out, the clocks are at :16 to :15. I felt a great disturbance in the Force.Miles sees Chloe coming in, and he about gives himself whiplash as his head snaps around.Karen wants Chloe to open a socket to the ATC radar-tracking plot. What, Chloe is the only one who can do this? In the future, the US had better hope a national emergency doesn't arise when Chloe isn't on her shift.On the plane, Jack tells the stewardess they're going to do an emergency landing and that she should prepare the passengers. Then he says not to worry, it'll be fine. Now, being an experienced flier, I'm sure the stewardess will be quite tempted to worry about why they need to do an emergency landing.The stewardess then turns to the passengers and says "Assume crash positions." Instantly, pandemonium breaks out, and passengers start throwing themselves across the seats, punching each other, falling in the aisle, etc...Bill has found a suitable runway. Except it isn't suitable. Jack distinctly said he needs 5000 feet. But, Bill comes up with a stretch only 4000 feet long, and it ends in an overpass. Good one, Bill. (The inadequate landing strip is the 118 freeway between mile markers 91 and 92.)We see the F-18 roaring through the skies, and a glimpse of the pilot. I wondered if that was just a reuse of the footage from Season 4 as Mitch Anderson was trying to shoot down Air Farce One.Now, if I read this map right, the 118 comes within three miles or so of the Van Nuys airport. Apparently they didn't have enough time to go even that short distance and just land at the airport.The F-18 is preparing to shoot, so Jack tells the copilot to descend. NOW! As the plane tips down, the oxygen masks deploy in the cabin. Now I'm sure the stewardess is worrying.Jack says he can see the freeway, but all we see out the window is a mess of lights.There's a *whoop whoop* warning sounding in the cockpit. It's a ground proximity warning. I wonder when that thing is designed to go off. I mean, planes are designed to get near the ground. Frequently. It's called landing. It wouldn't make sense to sound a warning every time a plane lands.The F-18 has missile lock. At this point, I can't remember if Jack knew that, or if CTU did. Do commercial jets have equipment to detect missile locks? Is this a big problem in commercial jets?Experienced Pilot Jack wants the landing gear down. The copilot points out the dangers of lowering the landing gear too high and too fast. Experienced Pilot Jack barks "Lower it!"Logan's bloodlust is at a fever pitch. He barks at Admiral Kirk "Order your man to fire, now!" So, Admiral Kirk says "Khhaaaaaaan! Shoot the plane down! Khhaaaaaaan!" (Apparently the F-18 pilot was named Khan. Erp.)Novick is quite puzzled as to why Logan still wants to shoot down a plane that is already in the process of going down, and hence threat over. Somehow, this logic gets through to Logan, and he aborts the strike. But, he orders the Marines to go in and get Jack.Admiral Kirk is busy setting the self-destruct on his base. "Code: Zero, zero, zero. Destruct. Zero." And then he says, "Anyone for a game of fizzbin?"Curtis is driving along, singing a song, side by side with some anonymous CTU agent, and he sees the hibauered plane pass right in front of the windshield. Curtis orders some lights on the freeway, and a dump truck backs up and unloads a bunch of lamps.The plane is down, and is a cacophony of screeching brakes and reverse thrusters. I guess they didn't need that extra 1000 feet after all. The plane comes to a stop right in front of the overpass. Jack tells CTU they're on the ground and tells them to send a second team for the copilot. Then, the krazy kaptions say "and EMTs for the pilot", but we don't hear anything.Jack deplanes (deplane! deplane!) and he runs off.Clocks are at :27 to :26.Graham is mad that Logan didn't blow a bunch of international diplomats out of the sky. Logan says not to worry, two battalions of Marines are near the landing area. Wha...? Two battalions?! A Marine battalion can typically number between 800 and 1200. Logan sent 2000 Marines to the landing site? Wow, talk about overkill.The 2000 Marines are setting up a perimeter, and do about as good a job as CTU, for Jack just trots across the freeway and over a fence and into the SUV with Team Curtis.I wonder if Curtis is thinking of what happened at the beginning of this day when Jack and Curtis rode together in an SUV. Jack clobbered Curtis and left him on the boulevard like a sack of garbage.They come up to a military roadblock, and Jack says Curtis will have to talk them through it. A Marine talks to Curtis, and Curtis gives him a song and dance about how they are all on the same team, time is a-wasting, blah blah. And, incredibly, even though he has orders to not let people through, the Marine lets him go. No no no. Marines follow orders, and let their superiors sort things out.Curtis uses his Jedi mind tricks. "These are not the CTU agents you are looking for." The Marine says "these are not the CTU agents we're looking for." and he orders the roadblock to stand down. Curtis says they'll stick to back roads. They're somewhere north of the Santa Monica Mts. Are there any "back roads" that go over the mountains to downtown LA?Back at CTU, Miles is demanding answers from Karen. Karen tells Bill she'll have to trust him, and she'll let him in to their little gang. Miles huffily says "I don't deserve this." So, Karen takes Miles back into CTU's miles (heh) of deserted concrete hallways. Karen tells him about Logan, and how they are trying to recover the tape. Miles says "Then what are you going to do?"Some flunky (was that Valerie) suddenly appears and says Bierko is ready for transfer. And so, next we see some troops in full gear walking Bierko out in chains. He has a bandage on the side of his head. Looks like a Rorschach test. Hmm, I'd say it looks like a bunny.They stuff Bierko into a van and.... what?!? Bierko nods at the driver who nods back?! What is this? Yet another mole? Argh. I'm not even going to try to figure out how the baddies arranged to have one of their moles driving this van.Clocks are at :40 to :38.Logan barks, "Where's Novick?" Mike walks in seconds later. Oh, never mind. Mike tells him the bad news. Bauer apparently got away. We get an ominous "Logan in shadows" shot. His Grahamphone rings and rings. Logan doesn't answer.Jack arrives at CTU. Not bad. From the Valley to CTU, via back streets, in just a few minutes. He's told the Attorney General will be ready in 10 minutes. What? The AG got a pardon for Collette in 5 minutes.Jack tells Chloe to clean up the recording and to add a digital signature for chain of custody. However, since this is the most important evidence on the planet, and the White House has already had one mole in CTU today in the person of Spenser Wolff-ff-ff, you'd think Jack would've had two battalions of Marines protect Chloe while she's working. But no. We still have three hours left in this season to fill.Perhaps Jack was distracted by Audrey's gazongas as he goes in to see her. Jack says he knows about the SecDef (aka Gill Man). How did Jack know? We didn't see Jack being told.Audrey says "I'm so glad to see you." Jack says "Me, too." Uh, so Jack is glad to see himself? It's always about Jack, isn't it. Then, ewww, Jack slides down the bed for a little massage action.Back at the presidential retreat, Logan gets a case from the shelf. I can guess what's in there. He talks to Graham, again. Graham knows that the AG got a phone call from CTU. How does he know this? I know, never mind. Logan still believes they were doing the right thing. (I guess if by "right thing" you mean giving deadly nerve gas to terrorists, allowing mall shoppers to be gassed, leaving a trail of bodies around L.A., trying to kill the Secretary of Defense, etc..)Graham mentions how terrible a murder trial would be for the country, and all but says, "I think you know what you must do." Logan agrees, and says he's taken steps so Graham won't be implicated. What steps could those be? I know, never mind. Then, Logan gets a pistol out of the case.Now, how did that pistol get there? Did Logan carry it with him from DC? Does he always leave it there? Does the Secret Service now about this? You'd think they would get nervous about leaving loaded weapons around the President. So didn't their security sweeps find it?Clocks are at :51 to :49.The split screens show a news story that says "Earlier today: Mourners remember David Palmer." Well, nice to know that in spite of the terrorist attacks and curfew and martial law, some fans of David Palmer still found time today to have a little candle ceremony.Martha is on a couch staring like a zombie. I guess those pills she wanted so badly, and the wine, didn't help her get to sleep.Logan goes in to see Martha. At first I think he's going to shoot her. But, he just wants to apologize for hurting her. Martha is not in a receptive mood though. She says "I had no idea you were such a good liar. If I weren't so horrified by the fact I'm married to you, I might actually be impressed."Ouch. Those two need a weekend getaway in Vermont or something. No, no, not Vermont as in the dribbly bin, Vermont as in bucolic lakes, forest hiking, Parcheesi on the patio, etc.Logan goes back to his desert mirage and pours himself a drink. He pulls out the gun. The phone rings. Logan still feels duty bound to answer it. Hey, Miles is calling. That slimy ratfink.Miles tattles about the recording and the AG. Miles says he feels compelled to intervene. Logan approves of such intervention, and says he won't forget this act of kindness. He'll give Miles his private number so Miles can keep Logan informed. Miles is drooling over the prospects of presidential favors.Clocks are at :60 to :56. The split screens show Graham pouring himself a drink. What, is Graham going to shoot himself?Miles goes in to see unprotected Chloe. He was some red blinky device concealed in his hand. That slimeball. He's going to erase the tape."The tape is climbing the ropes. He's up against the turnbuckle, raising his arms in triumph to the cheering crowd. He thinks the president is defeated! But, he doesn't see Miles behind him and... Oh, there is a foreign object in his hand! There is a foreign object in his hand! The tape is down! The tape is down! There's blood everywhere!"This episode comes to an end. There's still three hours to go. Courage.Guest critic Paul Foth won't be joining us this week. He had to check into the hospital for a quick nip and tuck, where the nurse dressed him in a red negligee, and he's too embarrassed to come out. Plus, he's cursing the fact Blogger has been down all morning.Number of times Jack says "Now!": 32 Number of times Jack says "No!": 8 Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 42 Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 29 Number of moles: 5 Approximate Body Count: 94 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU). Video47511@blogcritics.org Tue, 9 May 2006 14:43:35 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/02/123746.php Jeff KoubaOh, how gauche. Can you believe the graphic violence warning is wearing that mauve strapless gown with that lime green handbag? And was this warning really necessary this week? What was violent, let alone graphic?The recaps return us to the pleasant company of the Bickersons. Martha blusters this day has been one giant lie and Logan makes her SICK! Henderson driving around, because we can never get enough of that. Jack and his Elven Hood of Baggage Handling (+2 to Disguise rolls) getting into the plane.As this episode teeters on the edge of night, Chloe is busy packing up, not quite understanding what's going on.Miles will set up for a remote debrief, but Karen wants the interrogation to be in the Situation Room. Miles almost looks crestfallen.Karen chats with Bill. She wants Chloe to call her on a "dry channel," 15427. She wants Chloe to call her on an arroyo? A wadi? A wash?As she's going out the door, Chloe asks "What about the curfew?" What is she worried about? The curfew/roadblocks combo hasn't stopped a flippin' thing so far.Bill will stay behind and run interference. At this point, we must stop and ask, what in the bloody blue blazes happened to Wayne? He was at Bill's house. Where'd he go? Is he down in Bill's den playing Madden 2005? Surely the writers wouldn't just forget about a main character, would they?(Speaking of lost characters, Audrey is not in this episode. Nor is Curtis, who has suddenly been turned into an ambulance service, ferrying the wounded back to CTU. And no one seems concerned that the SecDef went over a cliff. And of course, the bank manager is still dead in the cop car, and his poor wife is still tied up in her bedroom. Forgotten and abandoned by this show. And shockingly, no Henderson in this episode. Even though Bierko is now conscious, he's apparently not important to interrogate this hour.)The "tac team" arrives at Bill's house. They're in suits and ties, and they just walk up to the front door and knock. What kind of tac team is this? All other tac teams have been in full combat gear and set up perimeters and bust down doors and shoot things.Bill answers the door in a T-shirt, to fake like he's been sound asleep, even though every light in the house is on at 2 in the morning. Bill asks if they have a warrant, but the team barges right in. (Yeah, isn't Bill right? Don't they need some kind of warrant to bust in like that?) They search for all of about 10 seconds before declaring Chloe is gone. One of them looks at the shelves, as if Chloe would be hiding in a cutout pocket in a Nancy Drew mystery. This is obviously the tac team junior varsity. They even fail to notice the guy playing video games in Bill's den.Bill will only talk to Karen, so Agent Ed will bring him in.Miles is almost crying he wants a remote interrogation so bad. These voyeuristic leanings hint at something far darker in Miles' soul.Chloe is hiding somewhere, a parking garage?, as the one and only cop car in L.A. on curfew patrol drives by. Ah, Chloe is at the hotel where she was supposed to go hang out. She sits down in the bar and pulls out her laptop, which still has the network cable plugged in.Chloe informs Karen of her new locale, and asks Karen to look up info the diplomatic flight. Karen says it is Flight 520 to Frankfurt.And then, stock footage of said flight, which is already in the air. Wow, that was fast. Must have vertical takeoff capability.Back at the hotel bar, Drunky the Guy is hitting on some dame, who says "I don't think so" and walks away. Drunky says "you don't have to go all feminist on me."Chloe is talking to Jack, whose cell phone works way up there in the middle of Airplane Land. Chloe has found the air marshal, he's sitting in 7A, and his name is George Avila. Chloe will work on figuring out who might have a connection to Henderson.Jack opens the hatch from the baggage hold, slips up into the cabin, and plunks down in the middle seat right next to Avila. Avila must be thinking "Idiot, the aisle seat is open." And Jack turns into every passenger's worst nightmare, the chatty neighbor. But, Jack is something far worse. He clobbers Avila, apparently with no one noticing, and knocks him out cold. I'm sure Avila would rather have had Jack just knock his seat tray, or pull the back of his seat to get up to go to the bathroom and release it like a slingshot. Jack takes Avila's badge and gun.They'll study this one at the Air Marshal Academy. Lesson One: Don't tell complete strangers the seat next to you is open.Going into the first commercial break, the clocks are at :10 to :10. But coming back, the clocks are at :15 to :13. Suddenly, Chloe is a captain's woman, Audrey is sporting a goatee, and Jack is eliminating bad guys with his Tantalus device.Chloe rings up Jack again (who must be over Alberta by now, and still has good cell coverage) She's found a connection to Henderson. Hans Meyer is in 12D. Chloe's screen says he was a German trade rep, and has a US defense contractors license, whatever that is.Jack goes back to Hans, pretends to be Avila, and asks Hans to come back with to identify something or other. Casting choices are always interesting. When we needed a good guy German, we got gorgeous Hunky Guy. But when we need a German who we're supposed to think is evil at first, we get this scrawny Teutonic guy who looks like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark whose head melted when the Ark was opened.Jack takes Hans to the rear galley, and then decks him with a crushing blow to the solar plexus. Hans goes down like a sack of strudel. Jack looks down the aisle and sees the stewardess approaching with a cart. (Every overnight overseas flight I've been on, the lights are out at 2 am, and there aren't any carts going around.)This is all more than a little eerie, considering the movie United 93 is out now, with all the memories that brings back.So, Jack throws Hans down in the baggage hold and hops down after him, closing the hatch just before the stewardess gets back there.At the presidential retreat, Martha is in an especially bttt-bttbbtt-bbtttbtt state. She really needs some meds. She talks to Agent Justin Adams, who seems unmoved by the First Lady's plight. Martha says "You don't have much of a personality."So, Martha calls Mike. Why does Martha have a phone? They made sure there weren't working phones in the room they first locked her in. Why give her access to a phone now? Aren't they worried she might call the press? She is a bit unstable after all.Mike says the doctor thinks Martha has had enough drugs for now. Martha says she can't say what needs to be said. She just wants a couple of pills to sleep. Too bad Jack isn't around to just knock her out.Graham is talking to Logan now. He asks if they've found Bauer. Logan must report no, Bauer is still at large. I've never understood what at large means. Maybe way back some wife went looking for her husband in a bar, some drunk guy said "he's at the lodge," but his voice was slurred and it came out sounding "he's at large," and since then it's become a general expression for somewhere else.After this conversation is over, Mike comes in. Logan, obviously not wanting to deal with him, snaps "What is it, Mike?" Mike tells him Martha needs a hit. Logan says "That's all I need right now is to deal with her. No! No! No more pills."Mike asks if something is going on. Logan says "This isn't national security. It's our marriage. It's a facade." For once, Logan's lies are somewhat grounded in truth. Logan finally caves in to Mike's persistent badgering and says Martha can go running for the shelter of her mother's little helper.In the baggage hold, Jack is putting on his tough guy act and asks Hans where it is. Hans says he doesn't know what Jack is talking about. Jack begins to wonder if Hans really is the mule, and has Hans start looking for his luggage.At the bar, Drunky the Guy comes over to Chloe. "What are you doing? Homework?" Heh. Then he says "I didn't know they had Wi-Fi in here." Not sure what that was supposed to mean. If the hotel really didn't have Wi-Fi, then Chloe was using super duper CTU technology to get on the net.Chloe calls somebody and claims to have super CTU clearance 99A-12. On the plane, there is turbulence, so everyone is to remain seated, until tossed around the cabin like rag dolls. The stewardess figures out 12D is missing (Hans, not the actual seat) and then Avila keels over, sending the diploweenies around 7A into a panic.The stewardess tells the pilot their marshal is down (Gary Cooper he ain't), and the pilot says "Call L.A. Center, get vectors for an emergency return." That tears it, next season I'm doing a count of vector references.Clocks are at :30 to :27.Mike the pusher shows up at Martha's door and gives her some pills. He tries to engage her in friendly conversation, but Martha abruptly says "Thank you, Mike" and *gulp*. The pills disappear down her gullet along with some wine. I think. I'm guessing that's not a good combination. Mike says "You're both covering something up," and Martha says "I'm supposed to be the one who's paranoid."Now, Chloe calls up Jack again, who must be over Hudson Bay by now, and still has fabulous cell coverage. Chloe says she might have screwed up, and doesn't think Hans is their guy. Jack manages to avoid reaching through the phone and throttling Chloe for messing up something so important. Chloe said Hans was in customs for three hours. That's a long time, especially for a charter flight, and a diplomatic one at that. Was he trying to smuggle back some meat and fruit? Perhaps his feet were caked with manure from a mad cow?At this moment, the plane starts to turn, and Jack realizes they know he's on board. Avila has come around by this point, and he is sure Jack is down in the baggage hold. (Which, I might add, is thankfully pressurized.) Avila wants the captain to "begin" something.In the hold, there is a "loud hissing", as the krazy kaptions say. Hans thinks air is coming out, but Jack says they are letting the air out. Have you ever tried driving a plane with a flat baggage hold? It just goes *flump* *flump* *flump*, and really pulls to the left.Jack calls Chloe and says he needs her to patch him through to the pilot. Chloe quick calls Karen, who instantaneously arranges it on a CTU sub-channel. Somebody says "44," but the krazy kaptions say "404." Jack is patched through and explains the situation to the pilot. He points out he would not have been able to get hold of the pilot with CTU's help if he wasn't a real agent. (Note that again Jack is claiming to be a federal agent. He is an agent when it comes in handy, and he isn't when Jack wants to torture someone or break the law. Pretty convenient.)At the bar, Drunky is still bothering Chloe. He says "I can get you some free bandwidth." Chloe says "Great, sit down!" Drunky says "cool!" and asks what her laptop is. Chloe immediately tasers him. Woohoo! Drunky is out cold. Or probably somewhat warm, actually, considering the 1.21 gigawatts that just coursed through his body. Chloe says she's using a CTU series 4 laptop.Up in the plane, the co-pilot says they should just knock Jack out. The pilot tells Jack he won't let him out. So, Jack cuts into the ceiling, loops his belt around some cables and pulls. The plane careens all over the sky. Do jets still fly by wire these days? I would think newer ones are computer controlled now.That gets the pilot's attention, and has the stewardess let Jack out. I'm not clear on why she had to open the hatch for Jack, because Jack opened the hatch before without any help. Jack pops up already pointing the gun. He puts Avila down in the hold.Jack talks to the captain and wants more time to search the passengers. The captain says no, his job is to land the plane.Clocks are at :43 to :40.Now Logan is asking about Flight 520. Someone has told him Jack has hi-jacked (or is it hi-bauered?) the plane. Logan calls Graham and they commiserate.Bill is doing the perp walk into CTU. Looks like Agent Ed let him put a shirt back on. Miles stops him. Bill says a rather tired cliché, "You have no idea what you're dealing with" but adds a twist on the end, and says "you little #$!-kisser."Karen will handle Bill, and Miles just can't take it anymore. He has an operator connect him to Mike, using his special code of 2166. When Mike answers, Miles proceeds to whine and moan and throw a hissy fit. Mike tells Miles to go suck eggs.Miles tries to look in on the interrogation, but Karen puts them offline. Poor Miles.Logan calls up and asks Karen about Flight 520. He says "We need to take him dead or alive." Obviously, Chuckles would prefer the former option. Logan asks "Is that clear?" And Karen says "Yes, Mr. President." And then she just hangs up. Uh, shouldn't she wait and see if Logan had anything else to discuss?Clocks are at :54 to :50.Drunky wakes up, and Chloe promptly tasers him again. Despite the obvious attempt at humor, it's darn funny.Chloe has finally figured out who the real mule on the plane is. Scott Evans, the co-pilot who was a last minute replacement. Gee, Chloe, nice job missing that 30 minutes ago. Chloe's screen says he is employed by Omicron's exclusive charter.You know, of all the things Henderson has had to make up on the fly today, this was probably something planned a while ago. (Meaning more than ten minutes ago.) Henderson knew he wanted to get the tape from Evelyn, and wanted to preserve it for his safety. So, he probably arranged to have Evans take it. However, Henderson could not have planned to be captured a dozen times, and he's lucky he was able to escape and meet Evans just before the flight left. While we're at it, why did Henderson go through all this trouble to preserve the tape? Couldn't he have given it to someone to drive to Utah with it? Couldn't he have gotten a safety deposit box? Put it under a tree in the park?And what happened to the real co-pilot? He must have already been at the airport. So how did Evans get rid of him without anyone noticing?Chloe calls Jack, who must be over Iceland by now, and still with great cell coverage! Chloe tells him it must be the copilot, so Jack calls up the pilot on a discrete channel. (Must be the one the pilot can use to whisper sweet nothings to the stewardess.) The pilot does a good job of pretending to be having an entirely different conversation. He realizes God is not his Co-pilot.The pilot then uses the old triangulation device in the french bread trick. No, I mean, he uses the old cramp in the leg trick. The copilot is getting suspicious. The pilot makes a sudden move to open the door, and succeeds, but Evans clonks him and puts him down. Nobody was killed this week, but there sure are a lot of people rendered unconscious.Jack gets into the cockpit. Evans protests "I'm the only one who can fly this plane." Jack is apparently unimpressed, or doesn't realize the logical implications, because he immediately decks Evans. Jack says "You don't strike me as the type who would die for Christopher Henderson." What? Then he'd be the only one. Henderson has rounded up multiple teams in the last few hours, and just about every one of them is now dead.Jack calls Chloe and says she should advise CTU he has the recording. Does he really want Chloe to do that? CTU is now in the hands of Homeland Security, put there by the Evil President.Now, even though we see a montage with no sound, the krazy kaptions have something that makes no sense in this context. It says "NEWSCASTER: At this hour there are still unanswered questions surrounding David Palmer's death. During the emergency press conference the president announced the terrorist threat was over." What is that all about?At the presidential retreat, Martha is really on a hippie trail, head full of zombie, and her speech is slurred. She's a strange lady, and she makes me nervous. If she keeps mixing the wine and pills, she's really going to chunder.She calls Logan. Logan says "For the past 3 years you have been one click away from a nervous breakdown, and I'm going to come to you for advice?!" Whoa, Charles! Bringing the sarcasm!Graham calls yet again. He already knows Jack has the tape. And how does he know this? He monitored a call between Chloe and Karen. What happened to the dry channel? Graham must have wet it somehow.Graham tells Logan he'll have to shoot down the plane. Eek.The episode ends with the clocks at :60 to :56.And now, once again, here is guest critic Paul Foth. He was trapped in the baggage hold of a plane after he crawled down there to give his pet poodle Fifi a chew toy. It was bitterly cold, though, so he sliced open the belly of a Taun Taun and crawled in to keep warm, and was able to finish this review. Klink: Report!Schultz: H-herr kommandant, I b-beg to report that, that...Klink: What is it, Schultz? Speak up!Schultz: Herr kommnadant, I beg to report that several of the characters are missing.Klink: Whaaaaatt!?Schultz is right. During last night's roll call, quite a few of the folks we've grown to love and berate seem to have been forgotten. Even though she's just a bit player, Crazy Shari II was a no show. Curtis, who's usually flitting about Los Angeles with his tac team and can be anywhere within minutes, apparently hasn't arrived at Gestapo Headquarters with Henderson yet, something that should've raised at least one red flag. (Then again, since pretty much no one working there now was working there five hours ago, most people don't even know who Curtis is. Those who do may be thinking he got let go when Homeland Insecurity took over.)And Audrey's in that little convoy as well, in fairly desperate need of medical attention. (Of course, since she'll be heading to CTU Medical as soon as she arrives, maybe it's a good thing she's not there yet. She'll live longer.) Bierko, who we were told two episodes ago was regaining consciousness in the cooler, didn't even warrant a mention, despite the fact that he may very well have known who Henderson's stooge on the plane was. And where's Wayne? I just hope Bilbo provided him with food and water, because it may be a while before he's let out of the bunker.One more word on Audrey. It may be a spoiler, so skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know. Kim Raver has apparently signed on to another show. Bully for her -- she's a fine actor -- but now Audrey's going to have to leave 24 somehow. Will she die at the end of this season (Teri)? The beginning of the next one (David Palmer)? Will she have a twenty-second phone conversation with Jack at the beginning of next season, just long enough for him to say he'll be by to pick up his stuff later (Kate Warner)? Or are they going to come up with some new form of departure?Back to the episode. Were there two hatches on the plane? The top of the first one had textured flooring on it and a small latch. The top of the second one seemed to be covered by a piece of carpet and had a big red and green locking mechanism that would do Fort Knox proud. With all of the running around knees bent behavior, I couldn't tell if there was supposed to have been two hatches at opposite ends of the plane or there was some kind of continuity error. (I know, I know, it's hard to believe a continuity error could slip by on this show, but it does happen. I've also got some bad news about Santa Claus: he used to run guns for the IRA.)Did you catch the celebrity look-alikes? The air marshal who got a taste of Jack's elbow fu looked like David Blaine. Next Monday, Blaine will be sleeping with the fishes on ABC, but first he has to escape from a baggage compartment on FOX. Unless, of course, he becomes one of the forgotten characters, in which case there's no telling where we'll see him next. This is starting to sound like quantum mechanics -- he doesn't exist unless someone's looking at him -- so I'll move on.I halfway expected the pilot to turn to the copilot and say, "Have you ever been inside a Turkish prison?" And so it all comes full circle: The pilot looked a like Peter Graves. I made the comment a few rants back that this show can be seen as an early-21st century terrorist analog of the commie hysteria science fiction films of the 50s. Roger Corman made many of those films. And who starred in Corman's 1956 It Conquered The World? Peter Graves.It's nice to see Mike Novick again, but it's been so long that it seemed like the writers weren't quite sure what to do with him. I guess it's a sign of his standing in the Logan administration that he's been reduced to being Martha's supplier. (And those antipsychotics work especially well when they're washed down with wine.)One kinda neat thing the writers did happened during one of Mike's talks with Logan. When Logan was going on about how everything Jack had done that day only seemed right, but that now the real Jack was coming out, that he'd really been lying all day long. All Logan was doing was talking about himself, but changing his name to Jack Bauer. That's a neat trick for a dirty politician: just talk about yourself, but do so as if it's about your worst enemy. That way, you don't have to worry about making stuff up and keeping it all straight.Wonder of wonders, it seems no one got killed in that hour! We may need to lube the death-o-meter in order to keep up with all the carnage that'll have to happen to make up for it.Last night's hero was Chloe. The way she handled that toner salesman from Wichita was a thing of beauty. It's nice to see the writers are realizing she doesn't have to handle every schlub with deadly sarcasm. A vapid "Wow, free bandwith?" and a taser work just as well. It makes me wonder if she'll zap Miles when she gets back to Gestapo HQ.From the previews for next week, it seems like Jack is convinced that if the plane lands, the fighter jets won't be able to shoot at it. Maybe he's planning to release neunundneunzig luftballoons to confuse them. Number of times Jack says "Now!": 24 Number of times Jack says "No!": 8 Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 38 Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 29 Number of moles: 4 Approximate Body Count: 94 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU). Video47170@blogcritics.org Tue, 2 May 2006 12:37:46 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/04/25/132712.php Jeff KoubaAwww, look, the graphic violence warning fell asleep. Poor thing. It's had a long, hard day.The recaps give us the Cliff Notes version of the chase for the tape. Practice Essay Question: How is Audrey's love for Jack echoed in the porcelain pig Sir James gave to his niece just before the ball in Belching Hall?As this episode begins it's sleepwalk into madness, Jack is tying up Audrey. No, wait, he's applying a tourniquet. It appears to have done the trick. Jack says Henderson didn't sever the artery. Oh? Well, Henderson is not so handy with the knife, then. But, even if Henderson just cut the artery, isn't that pretty much game, set, and match? You don't actually have to sever an artery to cause reason for great concern.Audrey is a trooper. Not a State Trooper, just a brave little soldier. Not a real US soldier, just a plucky soul. Not a disembodied spiritual... oh, never mind. She says to Jack "Do what you have to do."Jack hears a phone ringing. A dead guy is not answering it, so Jack picks it up. Hey, that's Wexler! Why is he dead? Jack just clobbered him, he didn't kill him. So, did Henderson run into the building, see this unconscious guy, and just shoot him for no reason? I'm beginning to think Henderson is a real psychopath.It's the SecDef on the phone. He's surprised that Wexler sounds so much like Jack. The SecDef explains that things didn't go so well with Logan. Apparently Logan said "I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you," and Heller ended up being tossed out on his ear.Jack angrily says "You betrayed me." Heller says "yeah, well, sorry about all that, but I did what I thought was best for THIS COUNTRY." Jack lies and says Audrey is fine. You'd think Jack could've rubbed Heller's nose in the mess a bit more and really made him feel bad by saying "Well, your betrayal led to Audrey getting all cut up. She nearly died. I saved her life. Thanks, Dad. Just for that, we're going to spend the holidays with my side of the family."Instead, Jack calls Bill. He's looking for Chloe. Bill happens to have one in stock, and pretty much tells her entire life story up to that point, leaving out only her fourth grade romance with Stinky Worthington.Jack says "Henderson left here ten minutes ago." Jack must be a little rattled, as Henderson only left about 5 minutes ago. He needs Chloe to fry up a CTU satellite stream. Chloe says no prob. She'll get in through a subnet and VPN something-something so calls can't be traced. Chloe apparently is forgetting she tried ye olde VPN trick a short time ago, and Miles was able to break through that with little trouble.Chloe sets to work, telling Bill what to do. She says "Hope you don't mind me bossing you around." Heh. Without Chloe, the plot would be the only comic relief in this show.Chloe, being a 32nd level Technomage, digs through satellite data and immediately finds Henderson leaving the airport. (In a stolen car, I might add. Surely the military roadblocks will pick him up, right?)Logan calls up Henderson. Again. After ignoring him for the entire show up until a couple hours ago, he's suddenly pretty chatty. Logan asks for what must be the 50th time by now, "Is Bauer dead?" And Henderson, who has failed yet again, merely says "No." And Henderson is driving around *again*. This is starting to rival MST3K's rock climbing for levels of Deep Hurting. Perhaps they're going for a new Emmy in the technical categories, Achievement in Driving Around.Henderson explains to Logan that he'll hang on to the tape for insurance, lest Logan get thoughts of making Henderson disappear. He'll keep the tape in a safe place, and it will surface only if Henderson happens to meet with an accident. (So, if some drunk runs a red light and T-bones Henderson, Logan is screwed by accident?)Whoa!! Henderson just told Logan that perhaps someone will decide that Henderson needs to disappear, just as Cummings's "suicide" was necessary! Wow, so Logan arranged to have Cummings killed. That's quite a revelation.Chloe has already found Henderson and has him on a live feed. I ask again, how does Chloe know Henderson is in that car? It's just a rectangular blip on the screen.Jack is in pursuit of Henderson. They don't pass a single checkpoint. Then, Jack does a little combat driving and knocks Henderson off the road. Henderson plows into a....barn? A barn? Where is there a barn ten minutes from the Van Nuys airport? Did some farmer refuse to sell his land years ago, and now has a farm right smack in the middle of the vast LA megalopolis?Somehow Jack is far enough behind now that Henderson has time to get out of his stolen car and take cover. (Perhaps the extra weight of the dead bank manager in the back seat slowed the car down.)Henderson tries to make a limp for it, but Jack nabs him, uttering one of his favorite lines, "Put the gun down!"And now, Henderson lets fly with yet another moment of insanity. He says a chopper has been trailing Heller since he left Logan, and if Henderson doesn't check in regularly with them, Heller will be killed.Oh my. I've said before Henderson rivals Marwan in terms of amazing preparedness. Remember, Henderson just rustled up this new team of bad guys in the last hour or so. Never mind where they got *two* helicopters, or why. (I presume the other one is still back at the airport.) Just when did they go over this plan? They didn't even know Heller was in LA till an hour ago. So on the fly they put together this backup plan? This show has become a cartoon.Jack says "Slowly walk towards me." Audrey takes a step. "No, not you, you ninny. Henderson." Ok, I made that up. Jack throws a pair of handcuffs to Buckaroo and says "Cuff yourself." Is that considered an expletive?Jack gets Chloe on the horn and wants her to find Heller.She technobabbles that she wants to scan in slices of three miles increments, and she patches Jack into a DoD database. Why? I don't understand any of this. They have no idea what car Heller is in. The SecDef wasn't planning to stop in LA, so there can't have been an official government car at Van Nuys airport. Come to think of it, we have no idea what car Heller is in.Jack calls Heller and asks him if a helo has been tracking him. Now, how would Heller know that? Oh, I guess by looking out the window and seeing the helo flying right above him. Way to hang back and remain invisible, bad guys. And all of a sudden, a red dot starts dancing around Heller's chest. Heller says the baddies have a laser sight trained on him.(The baddies don't know Heller is talking to Jack. Why would they give themselves away and turn their laser sight on Heller just at this moment?)Heller does not want Jack to give up the tape just for him. He says "Don't let him go!" and then... what the bloody heck? Heller drives himself off a cliff. He, he, just sailed out there, he sailed right out there.By now Chloe has technomagically found Heller's car and the helo with the satellite. Jack asks Chloe, out loud and right in front of Audrey, "Can you confirm Heller drove his car into a lake?" Chloe can confirm. Oh my. In his rant, Paul takes about things in the show as metaphor. Has this show just driven off a cliff?Jack is a little peeved at Henderson. Audrey says "Kill him, Jack!" But, Jack merely clobbers Henderson and renders him out cold. And all this before the first commercial break.Going into it, the clocks are at :13 to :13. Coming back, the clocks are at :18 to :17. Suddenly, a nude body builder drops out of the sky and starts looking up all the Sarah Connors in the LA phone book.At this point, Logan calls someone named Graham. Just who in the snot is this guy? Logan tells Graham to cancel the action against Henderson. Ah, so Henderson was right to suspect Logan of treachery. Way to go, Buckaroo.Graham is not happy to hear about the misadventures with the tape, Bauer, Henderson, and the whole kooky plot. Logan whines for the millionth time today "Don't take that tone with me." It's always about Logan, isn't it. Graham says they have bigger problems, namely Mrs. Logan. Logan says he's taken steps to deal with Agent Pierce (huh??) and that he can handle Martha. Graham says ominously "You must silence her." Yeah, good luck silencing Martha.Now, Martha is looking around for Pierce, and she's talking to some other agent. The agent says Pierce was transferred. Martha correctly wonders out loud "At 1 am?" The agent can't really check on things now because there is a glitch in the scheduling software.Huh? For real? The bad guys have arranged every detail down to horsing up the Secret Service scheduling software? How can bad guys this prepared have screwed up so badly today? And was Pierce really transferred? To where, a radar station in Alaska, and they'll mail him his clothes?Another agent comes by and escorts Martha to an office, and promptly locks her in. Martha hurriedly tries two phones in the officer, but they are apparently dead. (Again, good preparation, bad guys!) But, doesn't Martha have two cell phones at this point? Hers and Pierce's? Can't she try them?Jack calls Chloe. Apparently Henderson must have handed off the tape to someone after he left the airport. (Should I even bother asking how Henderson arranged that so quickly? Whoever he gave this to must have been hanging around outside the airport already.)And in seconds, with the help of Technomagic, Chloe immediately finds satellite evidence that Henderson did meet someone, and this someone went back to the Van Nuys airport and is boarding a plane there. This show isn't even trying to be plausible anymore.Chloe's scheduling software is apparently working, and she divines that Curtis is out with a tac team, about 25 miles away. Huh? Last time we heard from Curtis, he was supposed to bring Bierko to CTU Medical. All this time we could only assume he was standing vigil with Bierko, gently stroking his hand, mopping his brow, whispering encouragement.Jack and Chloe wonder what flight this is, as commercial flights are grounded. So, um, why are Henderson's two helicopters so free to fly around, including near the presidential retreat? Do the helos have those yellow Unrestricted Access stickers in the dash?Jack wants Curtis to bring Audrey and Henderson to CTU. He says "They'll be able to get Audrey the medical attention she needs." Since this is the first time Jack has mentioned to anyone that Audrey needs medical attention, I'm not sure why Chloe and Bill don't ask what's wrong with her.Jack needs to leave Audrey and chase after the tape. Audrey says "Make sure you get that recording." Jack says in his best High Noon voice, "I will."Clocks are at :28 to :26.Back at CTU, Miles says Bierko has regained consciousness. Finally. What a wimp. Tony got blowed up and had surgery, and he was up and around quickly. Henderson was tortured and pumped full of toxic chemicals, and he was up and around quickly. Jack got blowed up in the same explosion and was able to carry Bierko out. So why can't girly man Bierko handle a little explosion in a gas distribution plant?Valerie has apparently returned to CTU after tailing Audrey. She calls up Karen and says Chloe is gone, and surveillance tapes show Shari let her go. Shari is now in custody.Miles will go look at binaries. Hmm, alt.girlypics.binaries?Karen interrogates Shari. She asks why Shari let Chloe go. Shari says "She intimidated me." She starts to babble about a psych eval, and then spills the beans about what Chloe said about Logan. She says "And people think I'm crazy!" Yes, this is the kind of stable individual CTU allows to work in its most sensitive locations. Good vetting process, CTU. Karen gets a suspicious look.Back at the presidential retreat, Martha is wigging out inside the locked room. Logan comes in, and they have a little chat about what is going on. Logan is doing that annoying head-leany thing again. Logan says about David Palmer "I never authorized his death." He admits he knew about it. At this point, Martha utterly comes unglued. My wife chuckled at this scene.Martha says "What you've done makes me sick!" She can't forgive this. She says "I hate you." Hmm, I'm guessing she is no longer eager to have Logan come to bed. She does say she'll remain quiet, for the good of the country. I think what would be good for the country is if she buried her high heels in Logan's cranium.Clocks are at :40 to :37.Graham is having a meeting with Ron and two others. They are discussing loose ends. Since we have no idea who these people are, the scene loses a little bit of the impact. Graham says they started this thing 18 months ago, which in the show's time frame is the end of last season, when Logan first became President.Logan talks to Graham again. Logan whines "It's about time I heard some words of appreciation." As I said, it's always about Logan.Back at the barn, Henderson comes around, and immediately tries to rattle Audrey by bringing up Heller, saying she's a bad naughty daughter for not trying to save him. He could still be alive in that lake. But nope, Audrey doesn't make a call that would give away their location. Because these well-prepared bad guys could somehow monitor it.Audrey says "Not. Another. Word."Chloe looks into her palantir again and sees a helo heading for Audrey's location. Apparently they managed to find her after all. How? We have no idea. I'm guessing the writers don't either. I think they just writes pages of the script, put them on a Lazy Susan, spin it around and pull the pages off at random and assemble them.Jack calls Audrey and tells her to go. Curtis will track down Henderson. The krazy kaptions have Audrey saying "He's responsible for the death of my father's death." That statement is pretty much in keeping with the logic of this episode.Audrey finally leaves, after resisting the urge to put a bullet in Henderson's head. But, it's not the most efficient escape ever. She runs into a locked door. The baddies release Henderson, and he orders them to kill Audrey.Audrey hides behind some hay bales, determined to make a last stand, when Curtis emerges from the shadows. Where did he come from? And how did he get in, if the doors Audrey was trying were locked? And when did he get there? If before the helo, why didn't he come straight in? If after, how did the baddies not see him?Curtis says "Stay behind me", but the krazy kaptions have him saying "Stay down."There is a brief gunfight as the occupants of the helicopter are gunned down. Another agent brings Henderson to Curtis.Back in the Chloe/Jack thread, it's been determined the plane at Van Nuys airport is a diplomatic flight. Jack is outside the fence watching. There is a bunch of security. This crack security apparently did not hear the gun fight, or the exploding fuel tank, on the other side of the airport a short time ago.Chloe said it will be hard to get past the State Department's firewall to find more information. What? Chloe hacked into the NSA in seconds. Is she saying a bunch of diploweenies have better computer security than the most secretive intelligence agency in the government?Jack hitches a ride on a fuel truck going by, to get close to the plane.Clocks are at :53 to :50.Security is checking over the truck, doing the mirror underneath thing. They clear it to pass, but isn't letting a truck filled with jet fuel, explosive and highly flammable jet fuel, a security risk in itself? What were they looking for with the little mirrors that would be more dangerous than a big fuel truck bomb?Miles has detected Chloe's presence in the network. He says he machine-coded a matrix and yadda yadda. Yeah, right. Machine-coded something. I've written assembly code before, and it's not something you just throw together in seconds.He is able to figure out that Chloe is at Bill's house. He'll dispatch a tac team. Apparently one is in the neighborhood. Why? No idea.Karen calls Mike, and asks about the evidence that Jack is involved in Palmer's death, the reason Logan gave for CTU to apprehend him. Mike says he hasn't seen it. Karen is surprised he's out of the loop. Mike says there is no loop. He says "It's been a strange night."Getting more and more suspicious, Karen calls up Bill and warns him to get Chloe out of there. (Apparently she doesn't care if Bill stays behind and gets arrested.)Chloe refused to leave. She's still trying to break that infernal State Dept security.Jack is near the plane. Workers finish loading luggage into the plane. Jack puts up his hood, grabs a couple of suitcases off a cart and heads for the plane.I swear, that jacket was made by elves. First the hood protects him from deadly nerve gas, and now it fools people into thinking he's a baggage handler. (And not sure why the cart was pulling away from the plane with luggage. Did they unload luggage?)Jack gets up into the belly of the plane, and the episode ends.Apparently next week Jack hi-Jacks a plane? Goodness.And now, once again, here is guest critic Paul Foth. He's almost crawl-on-the-floor to the toilet sick, but like Tony and Henderson, he shook it off and got this review done.*** Okay, so you've got me one more time. I ended up getting sick, so rather than being out of the house, I was plunked down in front of the TV, staring at Jack & Co. for another week. So help me, when you're looking out from under a haze of fever and coughing, it all begins to make sense.No, not really. But I had you going there for a second, didn't I?My favorite line of the night was when Martha told Charles, "This whole day has been one big lie!" I love it when a character says something that fits within the story and also comments on the story. It's as if for a brief moment, Martha had been yanked out of the 24-verse and given a viewer's-eye perspective on it. Her only recourse was to tell Chuckie how insane it all is. But, like the square in Edwin Abbott's Flatland, who was pulled out of his flat, two-dimensional world and given a glimpse of a universe in all its volumetric glory, only to be labeled an insane freak upon returning home and trying to explain what he'd seen, Martha's metaphysical comment will only ever be interpreted as more lunatic raving.Speaking of Chuckles, there was a moment during his confrontation with Martha when the combination of camera placement, lighting, and the way he held his head reminded me very much of Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. I was half expecting Logan to start daubing his head with a washcloth and talking about gardenias. This is the end. Beautiful friend, the end.But not quite the end. It seems the leader of the free world ain't so free himself, that he's dancing to the tune of yet another cabal we've never seen before. It's rather late in the game to be bringing in a brand new set of players, which leads me to suspect this season may end in a cliffhanger of some kind--not that next season would pick up right where this one leaves off (unless the show changes its name to 48 and has characters starting to hallucinate because they've been awake for so long), but rather the immediate crisis would be resolved only to hint at a new one that will require months of boring investigation and infiltration that culminate in another sleepless day.So who are these bozos with the clip-on phones? Poor planners, for one thing. Their leader made the comment that he, "never made a deal that didn't look like it was going to fall apart in the eleventh hour." Really? Is this the mark of success, that until it actually happens it looks like failure? That would make for a rather jittery life, I think. No wonder these guys are evil. I mean, PATRIOTS. I mean, evil patriots.One interesting bit was that they apparently started this thing rolling eighteen months ago, which is when the events of last season took place. Is the implication that these yahoos were Marwan's bosses and that they're the ones ultimately responsible for President Keelover's demise? If so, did the writers have this in mind last season? It's okay: I'll give you a moment to regain your composure before continuing.Ready? Okay. Read on.Was SecDef Heller's departure a surprise? Not really. Did you see William Devane's name under the "Special Guest Star" credit at the beginning of the episode? It was a lead pipe cinch he was going to die. The only question was over the circumstances. (And if he couldn't see a helicopter tracking him from only a couple thousand feet away, in full view of his driver's-side window, until Jack told him to look for it, then it may be a good thing the country has to find a new SecDef.)Then again, maybe he didn't die. We never saw the body. It's at least conceivable that Heller had been a Navy SEAL and is even now swimming to safety. Henderson's manipulation of Audrey in that regard was brutal, perhaps more so because he may very well have been telling the truth.Which brings up the point that this episode featured some really fine performances. Greg Itzin and Jean Smart were their normal excellent selves and really made some sparks fly during Charles and Martha's confrontation (although if Charles thinks Martha is really going to keep quiet, I think he's got another think coming), and Kim Raver did an awesome job portraying someone who was barely holding it together.Which brings up the point, yet again, that this could be such an AWESOME show if the writing talent matched the acting talent. Instead, we get some great character moments stitched together with continuity breaks, hand-waving, technobabble, and nonsense. It's like driving a car that runs beautifully for three miles and then blows a gasket - again and again and again.Witness Curtis and his magically appearing tac team. Just what were they doing before they stormed anonymous structure #238 and rescued Audrey? Driving around casting chiseled silhouettes in the moonlight?Witness Jack and that sweatshirt hood. First it protects him from Ultra Deathkill Sentox Six VX-1 7/a.b Mark III nerve gas, and now it disguises him as a baggage handler! That is one brilliant piece of antiterrorist paraphernalia. In the future, we'll probably see it stop bullets, cure cancer, and fold out into an Astin Martin.Witness Miles finding Chloe. He did this how? Our first clue was him muttering to himself, "I can track the binary." Umm. The binary WHAT? Binary is an adjective. Our second clue was something about a matrix. He must've swallowed the blue pill. Now we have to start calling him Neo.Witness Bilbo's house, where Chloe is able to find Henderson using a cobbled-together network while hacking into ultra-secure government surveillance computers, when she couldn't find him hours earlier with CTU's uber-servers and permission to look at the data.Any Lewis Black fans out there? Have you ever seen him when he can't find the words to express just how stupid whatever he's ranting about is? He shakes his head back and forth, loosens his jaw, and lets incoherent noises escape for a second or two. (Go over to his website; I'm sure there's a recording or two of what I'm talking about there.) I think it'd be great if 24 used this technique instead of trying to come up with plausible-sounding techno-bleats. So instead of Miles saying, "I can track the binary," we'd get, "I can track the 'blubblbubbubllblbblbee'," complete with him shaking his head back back and forth and perhaps flinging saliva all over CTU HQ. Then again, CTU would get mighty wet mighty quickly if they make this switch, and not a small number of personnel would probably get whiplash.Okay, so what do we have to look forward to? Bierko has apparently regained consciousness, and will soon be joined at Gestapo Headquarters by Henderson. If Henderson can waltz out of there by himself after being shot full of battery acid, he and Bierko together should be able to kill everyone left and order out for pizza without breaking a sweat. Audrey's on her way to CTU Medical, so she's a goner. And high in the air, Jack becomes a hijacker.I leave you with a question, one I'm sure you'll be able to answer: This show often reminds me of which line from This is Spinal Tap? ***Me again. My guesses are:"This show goes to eleven.""CTUids. No one knows who they were, or what they were doing.""Bierko choked on someone else's vomit."Number of times Jack says "Now!": 21 Number of times Jack says "No!": 8 Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 38 Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 29 Number of moles: 4 Approximate Body Count: 94 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU) Video46844@blogcritics.org Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:27:12 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/04/18/115153.php Jeff KoubaMidnight! And the graphic violence warning just turned into a pumpkin.The recaps show us Evelyn and Jack in the car. It's really not clear if Henderson killed Evelyn and Amy. Though, hard to believe Henderson would leave them alive.We hear Logan's inspiring "None of this should have happened speech." And, Logan telling Karen to apprehend Jack, top priority.Again, this whole bit smells of the writers making this up midstream. If Logan really was dirty from the beginning, why did he reinstate Jack? Jack was going to go after Palmer's killers. If Logan knew what was going on, why let Jack even get that close to the truth? And in his conversation with Henderson, Cummings was mentioned. Did Cummings know that Logan was behind his mission?Apparently not, because in their scenes together before he hanged himself, Walt sure was convincing in acting like a guy who had no idea Logan was part of the deal. And Logan sure did a convincing job of acting like a guy who was terrified of the operation. And Itzin most likely had no idea at the time he really was the bad guy. If Walt knew about Logan, you'd think he'd have left a note before he killed himself saying "That rat fink Logan was part of this too."Another thing I'm puzzled about is why Henderson, I assume, also went after Tony and Michelle and Chloe. Who knew that they knew Jack was alive? And if the point of killing Palmer was because he knew about the nerve gas, why did Henderson think these three also knew? Why those three and not others? Cummings and Logan knew that Palmer called Martha, so why aren't they worried that Martha knows? At the time it was played up that the three CTU agents knew Jack was alive. (and explained nothing about what that had to do with Palmer's knowledge.) But when Henderson first saw Jack in his office, he seemed to not know that Jack was alive before that moment. Me no get it.And so, as Day 5 turns into Day 6, or Day 5a, or something, a TV talking head is saying that martial law is in effect even though Logan just said there was no terrorist threat. Which is a pretty darn good point.Logan is once again on the phone with Henderson, who is still driving around. Henderson says Bauer is not dead. What is this, the third time he's relayed this happy news to Logan? Henderson says the city is locked down tight *snort* and CTU will find Bauer, and Logan should make sure he's the first to know, so Henderson's men can intercept.Henderson's men?! His brand new team is lying in dead, bloody heaps back at the bank. Has he recruited yet another team in the last two minutes? Chris Henderson: Master Recruiter.So, Logan dutifully calls up Karen and chews her out, telling her to call him the instant they have something on Bauer. Miles is just popping out of his buttons he is so eager to nail Audrey's hide to the wall.We cut to Jack and Wayne crouching behind a car somewhere. And... Bill Buchanan shows up! What?! How?! When?! Did Jack call him? If so, when? After they escaped the bank? So Bill happened to only be two minutes away? Whew, that sure was fortunate. Yeesh.As is abundantly clear, then, this city is not exactly "locked down." People zip around with no trouble at all. Bill had no trouble getting to this location. Henderson's army had no trouble getting to the bank. And so on and so forth. Wayne will go with Bill.Jack tells us that Heller will take the tape to the Attorney General. Oh. That's the first we've heard of this wrinkle to the plan. When did they work that out? Again, in the retreat from the bank? Jack has been busy on the phone these last couple minutes. Wonder if he remembered to call someone to go untie the bank manager's wife.Audrey is at Hangar 112, near the emergency runway. Just what is an emergency runway, anyway? If your plane is in trouble, isn't pretty much any runway an emergency runway?Dad's plane arrives. I'm no expert (oops, suppose I should do some research), but that looks like a smallish plane to be flying all the way from Japan.Audrey thanks Dad, but Heller glibly says "I don't know what it is I'm doing, so don't thank me yet." Heller says he doesn't like being kept in the dark. Which is pretty funny, considering it's 12:07 AM, and they're outside, and it's, you know, dark and all.At this point Jack comes roaring up in his purloined cop car. I wonder if the dead bank manager is still in the back seat. Considering what happens at the end of this episode, I think Mr. Mussman was just left there. I hope poor Mrs. Mussman gets her husband's body back at some point.Jack tells Heller he has something to show him, and they retire to a nearby building. But instead of showing Heller something, Jack plays the tape of the phone call.Jack says he trusts the source. Which, considering it came from a flunky Jack had never met before today, indicates Jack is a very trusting soul. He must have discounted the great difficulty involved in taping a phone call of the President of the United States, and assumed a First Lady's aide could've pulled it off.Heller says he was terrified when Logan took the oath. Too bad we don't live in some banana republic. DaD could've used the military at his disposal and staged a coup and we wouldn't be in this drippy mess. DaD will take the tape to the AG, and Audrey will go with.Jack says he will go dark until the AG acts. (I wonder why it is "go" dark, and not "become" dark, or "turn" dark, or... ok, I'm done now.)But, suddenly Heller returns and...what's this? A bit of SecDef-fu! Heller chops Jack and puts him on the ground! Jack is getting rusty, if an old man can surprise him and put him down.Heller says the truth will destroy the Presidency. He will go and talk to Logan and get him to resign quietly. Jack and Audrey will be held at the airport till Heller talks to Logan.Oh, very bad Heller. Very bad.Going into the first commercial break, the clocks are at :11 to :11, but coming back, the clocks are at :16 to :14. *blink*Midnight! And the graphic violence warning just turned into a pumpkin.The recaps show us Evelyn and Jack in the car... Oh dear, we seem to be in some kind of time loop.Chloe is all miffed at not being invited to a Level 3 briefing. Shari won't say what it is about, so Chloe pumps her for information. Oh, and Miles is listening in on this little conversation. They bugged Shari? Shari lets slip that they are on to Chloe.Chloe scampers back to her command post and immediately calls...a pay phone? Huh? Why isn't she calling Audrey's cell phone? How does Chloe even know to call this pay phone? She got the number when?Miles immediately traces the untraceable call to the Van Nuys airport. Some goons walk through CTU, and Chloe realizes Shari set her up. Shari whines "You're working against us!" Oh, suddenly Shari is part of "us" now. (You'll recall Shari said she came up from the apparently gas-free downstairs, so wasn't part of this HS takeover effort.) Logan is informed that CTU has a bead on Jack and Audrey.Logan calls up Karen and has her call off her tac team. Logan says he'll use a military team to bring in Bauer. (Apparently Posse Comitatus doesn't apply here?)Logan then immediately calls Henderson and informs him of Jack's location.Jack and Audrey are tied to a post. I suppose if Heller sanctioned the torture of his son, Stoner, he has no qualms about having his daughter tied to a post.Back at the presidential retreat, we see Mike Novick again! He hasn't been around for awhile.Karen calls him, and Mike says he was "on other things." I hope these other things aren't as kooky as what's going on today. Karen is wondering why Logan wants to use the military. Mike says the "military has its hands full." I don't know with what. Their checkpoints sure haven't stopped a dang thing so far.Mike calls up General Warren. Someone named Beth says "You're connected," but the krazy kaptions say "You're on."General Warren says he received no call from Logan, and is not on any kind of Jack retrieval mission.Mike thinks to himself "hmmmm", and goes to see Logan.Ah, finally. Logan brings up the situation with China. You'd think someone would've thought of that this morning, when Jack was running all over town leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.Logan says "I've done a pretty good job of leading this country today." Uh, er, right, Chuckles. Whatever you say. (For rebuttal, see all previous rants.)Clocks are at :30 to :28Miles confronts Chloe. Chloe gives him the standard cliché, "You have no idea what you're dealing with." Miles is extra special smarmy when he says "You think the rules don't apply to you because you're smarter than the rest of us. Well, they do and you're not." Miles sounds like a whiny kid in junior high school band who's been told the cool kids don't want him to sit with them on the bus.As Miles is leaving, Master Pickpocket Chloe bumps him and takes his key card. Miles says through clenched smarmy teeth, "Don't touch me." Chloe gets off another zinger when she says "I don't think you're as big a jerk as you pretend to be." I really don't think Miles is pretending.So, Chloe uses the key card to get out, and she takes a laptop that just happens to be sitting near by. She heads out into one of CTU's many deserted concrete hallways, only to run into Shari. Who knows why Shari is back there.She is about to turn Chloe in, but Chloe says she knows Shari lied about Miles, and that she'll turn Shari in for a psych eval. Since Chloe knows she is talking to a complete nutter, it's not clear then why she tells Shari all about Logan. Shari relents and Chloe leaves.Back at the ranch, Martha wonders if Logan is coming to bed. Heller calls at that moment, asking to see Logan. Heller insists, and Logan once again gets all huffy about how people should address the President.Logan tells another quick lie to Martha. He's pathological, I tell you.Logan again immediately calls Henderson, who is, good grief, at some helo pad! How did he arrange this? Who are these men with him? Once again, the military did a bang up job of preventing these guys from driving to wherever it is they are.And how is Henderson, Master Recruiter, finding all these guys? Are they sitting at home, their harridan wives in curlers and ratty robe nagging them about fixing the faucet, kids screaming, when Henderson calls, and they just leap up, throw the Uzi in the trunk and head out?Henderson says he's ten minutes away from the airport. He believes Jack still has the tape, as Heller wouldn't be dumb enough to bring it to Logan. (It's not clear why they assume Jack is still at the airport if Heller is going to Logan. Couldn't Jack have gone anywhere?)Clocks are at :40 to :37.Martha, like some nosy neighbor, is looking through some window blinds as Heller enters the retreat. Not sure what she is worried about, or why.She goes to see Aaron, who is saying "completely unacceptable" as Martha rounds the corner. She asks Aaron about why Heller is there. He won't say. But, he tells her to meet him by the south stable in a few minutes. (The stable is where Aaron first found Martha this morning. She was hiding there after another of her bbtty-bbbttyy episodes.)Logan offers a handshake to Heller, but Heller just stands there like a statue. Heller says "I know what you did, I know what you're doing, and I'm here to put a stop to it."Logan tries ye olde "I don't know what you're talking about," but Heller says "You're responsible for the murder of David Palmer!" (Why do they keep focusing on Palmer? Why is that more important than causing all the terrorist attacks today?)Logan says he'd like to hear the tape. Heller says "Why? You know exactly what you said." Hah! It's good to have you back, SecDef.Logan squawks that Heller shouldn't judge him. He admits that the original plan was to control the oil supply in Central Asia. Not sure how that was going to work. Were we just going to back up our tankers and fill them up?Heller wants Logan to leave Jack and Audrey alone, and resign in the morning.Oh, some more of that cool James Bond-y/Peter Gunn-y music as Chloe pulls up to some house. (Again, completely unmolested by the military checkpoints.)Hmm, is this Bill's house? Bill is there.Back by the stables, Martha is alone. She calls Aaron's cell, and hears something ringing. She finds Aaron's phone on the ground. Huh? Aaron has been aaron-napped? By whom? Did someone follow him? Did they suspect Aaron? Why?Back at the post, Jack sees some pipes. Chilled Return and Hot Return. He scampers up and melts his restraining band on the pipe. That must be some hot hot water. he frees Audrey, and Jack-fus the guard outside the door.Clocks are at :52 to :48.Out on the tarmac, the other agent is wondering where Wexler is. Jack gets the drop on him and gets the tape back. However, just at that moment, a helicopter shows up with guns blazing.Jack and Other Agent take cover behind the plane wheels, and Jack acknowledges they'll hav