Blogcritics Author: Dawn Olsen

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Multi-Grammy Nominee, Producer Rick Rubin: Looks May Deceive

Dawn Olsen — Thu, 8 Feb 2007 13:30:14 EST

Who is this hirsute fellow? One of SoCal's more imposing homeless chaps?Well, if having three homes in L.A. makes you homeful, then this must be Rick Rubin, one of the most successful and eclectic producers in the recording industry. Rick Rubin has produced wildly successful music for the following staggering array of artists: AC/DC, Aerosmith, The Bangles, Beastie Boys, Johnny Cash, Danzig, Neil Diamond, Dixie Chicks, Mick Jagger, L.L. Cool J, Nine Inch Nails, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Public Enemy, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Run D.M.C., U2, Jay-Z, System of a Down, and Justin Timberlake. And that was just yesterday - heh. At this moment, he is up for a Grammy in the following categories :Record of the Year - Dixie Chicks - "Not Ready To Make Nice" Album of the Year - Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way, Red Hot Chili Peppers- Stadium Arcadium, Justin Timberlake - Future Sex Sounds Best Producer Of The Year - American V: A Hundred Highways - Johnny Cash, God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash, Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers, Taking The Long Way - Dixie Chicks), 12 Songs -Neil Diamond. If you ask me, the guy's kind of a show-off. I mean who gets nominated for producing albums for someone like Neil Diamond and then turns around and produces the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Geez dude, give some of other knob-twirlers a chance. In any case, despite looking like a crazed woodsman who has animal skins hanging from his cabin deep, deep in the forest, he's a really well-loved guy. Just ask Emily Robison of the Dixie Chicks. Here's what she had to say about working with Rubin on Taking The Long Road: "He's the exact opposite of what you would think he would be. With the hard rock and rap background, this guy with the long hair and big beard, everyone was a little intimidated by him at first. But when you realize what he's like, he's just a big teddy bear."Rubin's impressive music industry pedigree (and amassed fortune) began while he was still a student at NYU. With partner Russell Simmons he formed the mythic Def Jam Records. Def Jam is the home of hip-hop industry giants like Jay-Z, Ludacris, Nas, Method Man, Kayne West, Lady Sovereign, and just a billion other money-makers. And Rick Rubin helped build this legendary label through his vision of blending hard rock with rap, which was perfectly illustrated on Run D.M.C's version of Aerosmith's classic rock hit, "Walk This Way." With this, rock-rap was born, and Rubin, more than anyone, helped define the mid-'80s sound that launched the Beastie Boys to fame and paved the way for similar artists like Kid Rock.Simmons and Rubin were forced to break apart Def Jam when Rubin wanted to release the death-metal group Slayer's Reign In Blood. Def Jam's distributor, Columbia, refused, and the two split the company into separate entities: Rick Rubin on the West Coast with Def American (later becoming American Recordings), and Simmons on the East Coast with Def Jam.With his new label, Rubin branched out to a wider audience and signed artists like Danzig and roots rock band the Black Crowes. He was also free to start producing more "classic" rock artists like Tom Petty, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Mick Jagger. This more than established his credentials as a heavy-hitter.Production is an art form, and when working with an artist, a producer has the opportunity to take that artist and mold them into an ideal of what they think that artist should be. Sometimes that results in a "thumbprint" or a "signature sound" that makes that producer's work extremely recognizable (Phil Spector, Mutt Lange). This might be a great thing for the producer, but not necessarily great for the artist. This is truly what makes Rubin exemplary: not only does he have a great ear for music, excellent taste, and a fuzzy beard, but he also does not produce from preconceived notions.Rick's open attitude toward production is evident in how he describes the process:"A lot of artists really like having someone to bounce things off of, because it's hard to know. Most of them, especially the ones that are established and have had success, tend to be in a little bit of a vacuum, because most people tell them what they do is great. But there's a lack of reality in that world and it's not beneficial to the artist to be in that world...I love music and I love bands and my goal, always, working with them is to help them be their best, whatever that is."Artist who've worked with him agree with his style, Dixie Chicks' Robison also had this to say about his approach to recording music:"I think he knows when it's right and he's very decisive, which is refreshing, but he's also a very good listener. You just respect his ears and his taste so much. That's an earned trust. We knew the legend but we didn't know the actual reason ... We came to learn that it's just that he has great ears."And Rubin's dedication to the artist has paid off. Besides producing platinum album after platinum album across the musical spectrum and earning numerous Grammy nominations for some of the most heralded albums of the year, he just finished a project with Linkin Park and is now producing metal giants Metallica. What's next for this music legend? Besides maybe starring in a version of Extreme Makeover, he states his dream job would be to produce a whole album with U2, having produced two new songs on their greatest hits album - thus proving even legends have heroes.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Joe Francis Hates His Penis, Do The Math

Dawn Olsen — Fri, 2 Feb 2007 12:47:54 EST

Serial rapist and child pornographer Joe Francis, the gajillionaire smut peddler behind the Girls Gone Wild videos, called into the Howard Stern show yesterday to discuss the lawsuit Paris Hilton has pending against the purveyors of the ParisExposed.com website. (Sadly, no longer available - I want my money back.) Francis attempted to be outraged by the invasion of privacy.Editor's note: Francis is prominently featured in the Hilton videos, frequently attempting to fondle Paris and often being shutdown. He is also credited on film with supplying a chestful of coke. Howard Stern, bored with all the posturing and BS, did what he does best and easily led the loopy-sounding Francis into discussing celebrity poontang. Francis, always the gentleman and a total class act, was happy to dish about the ladies he's "supposedly" bedded. I use the term "ladies" here real loosely, it just seemed nicer than "gaping holes." Among the names Francis dropped were Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart, Tara Reid, and the ubiquitous Paris Hilton. It's like a who's who from the skeevie ho hall of fame. Here's a synopsis of the conversation: Paris Hilton gave the best "oral favors." ( I've seen video and I object to this claim! I OBJECT!) Tara Reid was the "worst" in bed. When asked to elaborate, all Francis could muster was "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable...." Stern pressed for more details with creative questions like, "So she just laid there?" and apparently some other really gross insinuations that self-respecting news outlets refuse to print (losers), Joe responded, "More or less, yeah." Francis also went on record with this tasteful comment, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site." We're assuming this is in reference to Paris Hilton's prescriptions for Valtrex, one of the many savory items seized in the auction free-for-all.Oh whatever, like he isn't some kind of walking STD experiment the government is conducting for use as a weapon of penile destruction. What does all this mean? Well, being the math genius that I am -- for reals, I have ribbons and stuff -- I am going to present you kids with a math equation to unravel the riddle. A = Joe Francis having unprotected sex B = Paris Hilton C = Lindsay Lohan D = Kimberly Stewart E = Tara Reid - this is represented by (E?) because there is the "unknown factor" of condom-less penetration, but we all know Joe Francis is a liar, but we still have to go with the "unknown" quotient. F= Joe's penis A + B + C+ D+(E?)x F= G G=Superstrain of Herpehivitisavianebolacoli Apply the Olsen Law of Corollary Theorem � and the only conclusion is G=H and H= Joe Francis hates his penis and is trying to make it fall off. A surgical tool would be faster and there are probably thousands of women who would cheerfully assist him in his endeavor. Class dismissed.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

While Paris Burns, Britney Churns

Dawn Olsen — Thu, 1 Feb 2007 18:15:01 EST

From afar, one might think that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are two peas in the celebrity pod of ho-aciousness. However, upon closer inspection, there are subtle, yet fully distinct differences. The sum total of these differences means one continues to grow more famous as the other sinks more deeply into self-parody. As more private information and video footage leaks from the ParisExposed.com site, the fuzzier the line between celeb-reality and public perception becomes. It is plausible that the private Paris and the public Paris have merged to create a separate and unique entity unto itself - an insuperable Super Paris. While I stand firm by my assertion of Paris' own complicity in this latest scandal -- whether through stunning carelessness or direct involvement (the same thing?) -- I do feel a twinge of sympathy for her.Or maybe it's indigestion. Surely, even Paris doesn't want her most personal medical information laid bare for the world to paw over and judge. Lots of people may have herpes, but not many go around with a scarlet H on their chests, which, if nothing else, would make for awkward dating situations.All this tawdry business aside, one thing remains concrete: Paris might be burning, but she isn't going down in flames. In fact, once the smoldering ashes of this latest scandal blow away -- and blow away they will -- all that shall remain is an ever-heightened awareness of Paris Hilton's existence in this world - an existence that has built itself on the old adage "that which decimates my character, serves to make me more famous." While we all agree that this is Paris Hilton were discussing and there's simply no danger of her curing cancer, discovering alternative fuel sources or bringing peace to the Middle East, we can thank her (or as I prefer, beat her with a shovel) for helping to define the next generation of youth culture, which I affectionately call The It's-All-About-Me Generation. Paris is the embodiment of this group of self-absorbed, spoiled gimme, gimme, gimmes.Only a true narcissist would videotape and retain in her possession hours upon hours of incriminating and irrefutable proof that she engages in illicit drug use, promiscuous sex, the perpetuation of racial stereotypes, and general indolent lazing about.It's like Paris is the Jacques Cousteau of celebrity culture: documenting the inner machinations of the jet set life for generations to come. And she has single-handedly made activities that would otherwise seem exciting, dangerous, and wild appear vastly boring, mundane and tedious. So much for my coke-fueled dreams of gang-banging in St.Tropez with serial rapists.Alas, like every other scandal that has thrust Paris into the spotlight, she will survive this one -- every stinking, horrifying STD infected moment of it -- and rise, stronger like Conan, above it, unlike her peer in depravity, the beat-weaved Britney Spears. Britney Spears was once a beacon of all things nubile but pure. She was seemingly carved from the very heart of America using her Lolita-like allure, coupled with a sweetness of southern hospitality, to capture our hearts.Sadly, sometime after the demise of her fairy tale romance with Justin Timberlake, Britney hopped on the boat for Lower Expectations Island and, wandering there blindly, aimlessly, woke up one morning to find herself married to the greatest boobie prize of all: clownish back-up dancer and grimly lame wiggsta, Kevin Ferderline.It's like she didn't even try. Some might say this was the first sign of what really lay beneath the shiny veneer: a Cheetos-snarfing, menthols-smoking, baby-neglecting, trashy swamp rat. Britney has taken the rare and precious gift of iconic status, bestowed upon her by the best graces of our collective good will, and instead of growing into cultural royalty -- a symbol of hope, a Princess Di for the new millennium -- she has turned on us, baring her nethers, hissing, and fouling the nest. After she announced her separation from the sperminator K-Fed, the public waited with anticipation, whispering silent prayers of hope that Britney would emerge from her social coma the transformed butterfly of beauty and grace we had all expected her to become; but instead our greatest hopes were dashed upon the rocks, our worst nightmares realized. Britney could have staged a massive comeback of biblical proportions, easily riding the wave of goodwill and compassion earned by simply dumping her useless turd of a husband, banishing him to the oblivion from whence he came. Instead, she did the unspeakable. In becoming a mother, women have a unique opportunity to show their better nature, substance and worth. Nothing says "I love humanity" like taking the role of mothering seriously and with good grace. And Jesus, if she didn't totally, utterly, and with extreme prejudice, take a big, ripe, steaming crap on that opportunity.As if her first child, Sean Preston, wasn't dealt the worst hand from the deck of parental cards, at least Britney was around to make sure he wasn't properly strapped into car seats and highchairs. But what about baby #2, little Jayden James? All he has known of life thus far is absentee parenting and indifference.Jayden is certainly guaranteed a space in an ESL class by the time he gets to kindergarten. I wonder if little JJ and SPF even know who their mommy and daddy are? You KNOW those babies call their nanny "Mommy," and cry when a drunken, bloated Britney shows up trying to feed them Doritos at four in the morning.Spending night after night at the clubs, drinking and partying when you have two children under the age of two at home is simply not an acceptable option. Neither is shirking you professional obligations, putting a rotating door on your panties, and/or not bothering to wear panties at all.It is NOT okay to let yourself go in the most extreme ways when you have little children - celebrity or not. But at the current pace, Britney's celebrity days are numbered - maybe she wants to live out her days in obscurity, the punchline of a forgotten joke. If that's the case Britney, your road to perdition is paved with hot dogs and Diet Coke.It's just sad and unacceptable. Children aren't pets and you don't treat them as such. This is Britney's shame and this is why the media has treated her with no mercy. She deserves no mercy. When you have children, your days as a low-class poptart should be over. Here's the breakdown for those with ADD: Britney is not Paris, and therefore she is not allowed to act like Paris. Paris is ho and as such is allowed to revel in her ho-dom, Britney is a mother and better stop being a ho. She better stop eating ho-hos too, 'cuz girlfriend is looking puffy and worn out.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Paris Hilton: Celebrity Culture Superhero?

Dawn Olsen — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 14:29:21 EST

It would be simplistic and unimaginative to call Paris Hilton a publicity whore. She really is so much more. And through her own weird and bizarre genius, she maintains a stranglehold on our collective psyche.Most adults over the age of 30 just don't understand her, nor the power she wields over celebrity culture. But make no mistake: her demigod status is a collaborative effort driven by her, her handlers, the media and the public. Surprise! Now there is yet another lastest tidal wave of evidence illustrating the depths of stupidity, depravity, life of excess, and an ineffable lack of inhibition that is Paris Hilton: this time, in the guise of a website called ParisExposed.com. The story here isn't the contents of the site or even the endless amateur footage of Paris Hilton being Paris Hilton. Most of America saw quite enough of the "private Paris" with her first sex video with ex-boyfriend Rick Solomon creatively titled, One Night In Paris. Even if you haven't seen the video, which certainly most of us haven't, no one can deny the "scandal" of that tape and the media frenzy surrounding it made Paris Hilton a household name. And she wouldn't have it any other way. No, the real story here is how and why the purveyors of the ParisExposed.com site came to obtain these very personal items of Ms. Hilton's. The men behind the site are Bardia Persa and David Hans Schmitt (the sleazebag who peddled One Night In Paris), and the contents in questions are from a 6,000 square foot storage unit containing Paris Hilton's personal items of a varied and bizarre nature. The manner in which these "gentlemen" obtained Hilton's belongings was quite startlingly easy and cheap (insert Paris joke); so easy in fact, it would seem as though they met the kind of resistance one meets when they are being aided by the victim themselves.As the story goes, while moving from one posh residence to another, Hilton put her items in storage. A "third party" failed to pay the storage bill and after repeated attempts to collect on the debt, the storage facility, as is their right, auctioned off Ms. Hilton's items. Suffice it to say, there were probably some unethical shenanigans going on in terms of privacy and the like, but essentially this stuff happens all the time to regular folks who don't pay their bills. So, what kind of famous person allows so many squirmingly personal and damaging items to fall into the hands of avaricious ne'er-do-wells? A person with a pathological need to maintain her place in the public eye at most any cost - that's who. Even if you lost track of your items through innocent means, surely a reasonable person with loads of cash and influence at her disposal would go to whatever means necessary to retrieve said embarrassing items.Unless of course, you WANT these items to fall into the "wrong" hands. The contents of this storage unit weren't the glamorous goods one might see at a Christie's auction, but rather the kinds of things a sweet young lass might keep in her cedar hope chest: a private collection of "home videos" (and we aren't talking about cherished Christmas memories here); discarded prescription bottles for medications like Hydrocodone (a narcotic painkiller), Ambien (a sleep aid), and Valtrex (herpes medication); and receipts, including one from a LA clinic for a "miscarriage" in 2003 for a woman name "Amber Taylor," love letters received, love letters never sent, fake ID cards, official papers, personal journals, diaries and endless scraps of paper containing endless checklists of "to-dos." This is the stuff of paparazzi/tabloid dreams. I can almost picture these men as they poured over the treasure trove of goodies, like Captain Jack and his cursed Aztec gold. Titillating, incriminating, and utterly none of anyone's business.Lest I remind you, this isn't just anyone, this is Paris Hilton.The amazing thing about Paris Hilton -- and hate or love her, she is amazing -- is her utter unflappability, which turns the most negative, damaging, tawdry, grotesque coverage into pure celebrity-status gold. She can't be damaged and shamed, because she is so damaged and has no shame. As long as she is in the headlines, no matter the reason, she is right where she wants to be. I am almost willing to believe it mostly occurs on a subconscious level. Her publicist, Elliot Mintz, states that despite the Groundhog Day-like repetition of finding herself again and again defending her image, she is once again "incredibly upset and angry" and feels "victimized" by the blatant invasion of her privacy. I am sure initially, on the surface, this is true. But it's all part of Paris' game: portraying herself as hurt and victimized while secretly enjoying the delicious, salacious attention it all brings. Much like the role model Paris claims to fashion herself after, Marilyn Monroe, Hilton seems to find herself most comfortable playing the pained victim, while coquettishly batting her eyes at the adoring public, "Poor me, all my dirty little secrets are secret no more, feel sorry for me, but look at how hot I am."And she's right, she is hot. But not in a Marilyn Monroe sort of way. Paris Hilton is hot in an impervious to humiliation, embarrassment and shame sort of way. It's like she's a superhuman, superslut, celebrity culture superhero, whose ability to glamorize STD's, illegal drug use, promiscuity and vapidity challenge the very fabric of time and space. Can no one stop her? Someone better call the Justice League, stat.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Lindsay Lohan Rehabs, Dirty Dealing, Tabloid Duplicity

Dawn Olsen — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 14:17:23 EST

Hardly a shock to anyone, tabloid darling and starlet-gone-to-seed Lindsay Lohan entered the Wonderland rehab facility on January 17 for her various addictions, which may include prescription painkillers, cocaine, and without question, alcohol.Lindsay issued this statement through her publicist about the decision: "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health." Lohan had been working on her latest film, I Know Who Killed Me, when she checked herself in the famous LA rehab facility.Though she had been teetering on the edge for almost a year now, anyone familiar with the actress could see her downward direction gravely accelerate over the last few months. Numerous stories of binge drinking, bizarre behavior and incoherent musings made it clear that Lohan was struggling to keep herself in control. Clearly, Lohan's decision to receive treatment was a matter of the troubled 20-year-old's very survival.In the weeks prior to her self-admission to the facility, Lindsay underwent an emergency "appendectomy" and was then seen drinking large volumes of alcohol within hours of being discharged from the hospital.Last year at the same time, Lindsay was rushed to the hospital for a reported "asthma attack" and "exhaustion." Such foggy claims and subsequent bizarre behavior have sullied her reputation as an actress, including the now infamous letter from a Morgan Creek executive chastising Lohan for her poor work ethic and for using illness as an excuse to blow off filmic responsibilities. While it may be unfair to question the legitimacy of her recent surgery claims, Lohan certainly has contributed to the air of suspicion around her with frequent injuries and a proclivity for unexplained emergency visits that coincide with work duties.Besides Lindsay's often unhinged and troubling substance abuse behavior, she also seems to suffer from other demons, as her personal relationships are often rocky, brief, and tend to end badly with her picking up the pieces. The life Lindsay has cultivated at such a young age is much more befitting of hardened rock star and professional widow Courtney Love than of a pretty, multi-talented young girl with a promising career ahead of her.Lindsay's story isn't simply that of a spoiled star frittering away her talent, but also of a craven failure of family and friends to guide the young woman along an acceptable path. Essentially, Lindsay is saddled with the worst kind of parents: a mother who uses her daughter as a platform to launch her own delusions of grandeur, afraid to say no or take a stand; and a father so beneath contempt and mentally disturbed that he sits in a jail rotting, writing silly poetry and scribbling cartoons about his daughter. Why no one has sat Lindsay down and FORCED her to check herself before she wrecks herself is beyond me. It just shows you that people will commit all sorts of acts of depravity and selfishness to get a glimpse of the good life, including selling out their own flesh and blood. Another strange twist to this story is a (possibly dubious) report that Lindsay received support and the advice she needed from the most unlikely of places: Brandon Davis. For those unfamiliar (what, are you living in Canada or something?), Davis is not only friend of Paris Hilton and heir to oil millions, but the infamous ranter who gave Lindsay the "special" name, Firecrotch.Davis, no stranger to addiction, has been a patient at the Promises clinic in Malibu (more than once), and he and Lindsay have seemingly forged a tenuous friendship after their famous rift. It is conceivable that he played some part in her steps to recovery. How sad that Lindsay may have found more hope and direction from a once-sworn enemy than from her friends and loved ones. And that, my friends, is how they roll in Hollywood.So while Lindsay fights her demons, the worse of which is an inner circle of bloodsucking vampires and teeth-baring wolverines (excluding her younger siblings), a question remains: What's the appropriate course of action for those in the media in handling this type of situation?I sat on this news for over a week, not really sure how I felt about covering it. In many ways I feel very motherly towards Lindsay, as I have my own young adult step-children whom I love. Anytime I have covered Lohan's mishaps, it was in the spirit of concerned warning and disapproval of her actions, rather than my usual sneering cynicism at abject celebrity failings. I like Lindsay fundamentally - at least as much as I am willing to like any celebrity. She deserves a fair chance to grow and screw up like any young person. Perhaps I sympathize with her struggle to free herself from a mother who is constantly angling for attention for herself, rather than protecting her own daughter from a cruel and vicious industry. Even now, as Lindsay faces real hardship -- the inner, soul-searching kind -- Dina Lohan is trolling the talk circuit, double-dealing on her daughter, complaining about her right to privacy while she violates it at every turn.Disgusting, reprehensible, loathsome and pathetic: truly this is a stage mother who possesses all the nastiest and most stereotypical traits of the breed. She is a pimp and a sham and Lindsay's recovery will depend on getting as far away as possible from her old life, her old friends, and her old ways. She must start fresh, and even then, she may not ever fully recover. Ugh, it's heartbreaking.With that in mind, I have one final thought on this whole tawdry matter. Out of all the cowardly, yellow-bellied and dirty dealing that has been done Lindsay, none is more transparent than that of a recent story I read on PerezHilton. With the exception of perhaps Lindsay's own mother, Mario Lavandeira, the writer behind PerezHilton.com has done the most to push Lindsay over the edge. Barely a day has gone by without his bashing, crucifying, and skewering Lindsay for his own personal gain. This in principle I do NOT have a problem with. What I have a problem with is his sudden acquisition of a conscience, parading himself around as a born-again arbiter of common decency.Not only did he help break the Lohan rehab story -- complete with teasers and blind items -- but he continued to write about it for days with his tongue clucking and his finger wagging. Then suddenly, he's posting nonsense with titles like "Not Cool At All," and "This Has To Stop" in reference to paparazzi coverage of the story.Here are some Perez dictates on how the rest of the media should be handling the Lindsay Lohan story: "We've been giving Lindsay Lohan a hard time lately," he writes. "But we also sincerely think it's utterly important that she be allowed the time now to get healthy. Photos have popped up of the young starlet on the grounds of her rehab facility and attending AA meetings outside of the treatment center. The presence of the paparazzi - creating this unhealthy disturbance - is not healthy for Lindsay or anyone else seeking treatment for their problems. Not cool!"He continues, halo askew, "We won't run those pics on PerezHilton.com and we ask our fellow colleagues in all media to not run them either."And my favorite: "Seriously, can't the paparazzi leave Lohan alone as he tries to get her life in order??? Their presence could be a possible deterrent from her wanting to go to meetings and get better. We really hope other media outlets refuse to run these pictures and that the photogs leave Lindsay alone at AA and at rehab. All other times? She's fair game!"Wow, I loved that last part, it’s like, "Hey, Lindsay once you get your head on straight, it’s on, you know what I mean?"The proverbial cat is out of the bag, and you sir are the bagged-cat-letter-outer.If you are going to write vicious, cruel, demeaning, slanderous, catty, sometimes false items about people, then you better be prepared to stand by those words. Otherwise, you reveal the true nature of your character, and there is no one with half a brain who is buying your backhanded, smoke-and-mirrors attempt to seem above the fray. Get over yourself you preening, self-important sacksniffer.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Book Review: Genius Instruction Manual by the Writers of mental_floss

Dawn Olsen — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 12:45:32 EST

Scenario 1: You spent more time smoking grass than going to class and suddenly find yourself interviewing for VP of Research and Development for Microsoft and need to understand the basics of the Binary Numeral Systems, which may be just a bunch of 0s and 1s, but is pretty heady stuff for those suffering from short-term memory loss. mental_floss has an answer for that.Scenario 2: You're Britney Spears and it occurred to you that if you could just travel back in time, put on your underwear, apply some standards to your choice in babydaddies, then you might have a shot at a comeback. 'Cuz if y’all ever seen Back To The Future, then you’d know time travel is possible, yo. mental_floss has an answer for that too, but it does require being semi-literate, so...Scenario 3: You're a suburban housewife and are running for president of the PTA and want to intimidate and embarrass your competition with your vast and superior knowledge on things ranging from string theory to philosophy, but unfortunately you spend more time doing Pilates and tanning than reading and learning. You are in luck, oh shallow slave to suburbia, because mental_floss has an answer for you as well.In fact, with the MF Genius Instruction Manual, you have an answer to many of life's puzzling mysteries. Or in my case, the answer to huge gaps in knowledge that most 9th graders possess.Known for condensing factoids into precise and interesting anecdotes, the geniuses behind mental_floss magazine carefully put together a brief, but surprisingly comprehensive outline of the world's most important concepts - like a Cliff Notes guide to the greatest inventors, scientists, philosophers and artists of modern history.Not only does this manual explain the concepts behind the theory of relativity, time travel, global warming, modernism vs. post modernism and nuclear reactions; it also thoughtfully helps the reader distinguish the differences between a Shakespeare tragedy and a comedy (there's a difference?), and between an insane genius and regular genius. This book also helped me discover what kind of genius I am: an idiot savant, minus the savant.If you are like me, which I am positive at least one person out there is (my sympathies), you just don't have the time to read all 550,000 words of Tolstoy's War and Peace but you know it's going to be on life's test, then this is the book for you.The MF team of writers is absolutely brilliant at reducing extremely complex and complicated material into terms that even someone with my limited mental faculties can grasp. I felt so energized and mentally refueled after reading this book I was able to assemble a fission bomb in my kitchen using simple tools like baking soda and peroxide. (Honestly, I don't understand why the terrorists are having such trouble, that thing exploded real good.) Perhaps the best thing about the entire series of mental_floss books is how well they intertwine the elements of humor and sophisticated wit within nuggets of interesting facts. These writers know their audience: ADD suffering info junkies. The wisdom to combine information such as which geniuses were infected with syphilis with who suffered from drug addiction (in many cases both) takes a keen understanding of what the masses want to know.There is no better way to impress your friends at a cocktail party that to rattle off histories greatest works of literature, and then follow up with a sweet anecdote about Mozart writing a dirty lyric for a canon which stated "Lick my [*blank*] nice and clean." The MF writers didn't include the actual word out of “common decency,” but I am guessing it wasn't his plate.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Celebutarts in Print: Britney Spears Rallies, Lindsay Lohan Tanks

Dawn Olsen — Fri, 8 Dec 2006 18:19:59 EST

What a fabutastic few weeks of celebrity goodness! It's like Christmas came early and I was sprawled atop of Santa's Nice List, what with Britney Spears dumping K-Fed, dropping her drawers and palling around with my favorite mentally challenged celebrity Paris Hilton. The icing on this sweetass cake could only be Lindsay Lohan's final descent in madness. Oh wait, check that off my wish list!In the spirit of the holidays, I have begun writing my own version of the most annoying Christmas ballad on record:"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me Britney Spears sans panties; On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me Two skanky hoes who like to party; On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me A slew of crazy emails from a Firecrotch named Lindsay"I'm sort of stuck there, maybe y'all can pitch in. So yeah, back to Brit-Brit. When we last left our "junior diva" she was having difficulty remembering her underwear and was letting it all hang out with the likes of her new BFF Paris Hilton. Accusations of irresponsibility, child neglect, and a severe sense of foreboding for her future were rife. One week later, we have come full circle.Early reports this week held that Britney's mother, Lynn Spears, was having trouble tracking down her eldest daughter, as were the agents at CPS. According to sources, the agency hasn't made official contact yet, but her family and handlers weren't waiting and were "trying to stage an intervention with (Spears' manager) Larry Rudolph's help." Perhaps not coincidentally, Britney has now stepped up to quell the rising tide of negativity with a statement on her official website which both addresses the recent scandals and sets a more positive, if not coquettish, tone in light of her recent behavior:It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's been almost 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria's Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.I'm just getting started.... Happy Holidays everyone! BritneyThat was so deftly crafted, with its hint of wink-wink, nudge-nudge, the promise of better behavior and a dusting of apology, that one can only guess someone helped Britney write it. Whatever the case, the good-will-o-meter for Britney Spears is on the rise and for some otherworldly reason, people are pulling for this young woman. Good luck with that.Speaking of coherently written messages to the public, we must take an "adequite" inventory in the opposite direction and check in on America's favorite 90-car pileup, more affectionately known as Lindsay Lohan.While I typically relish and deeply enjoy watching the foibles of the rich and talentless as they deservedly fall from grace, the tragic case of Lindsay Lohan stirs something within my soul. Some might call that unfamiliar tingling sensation a heart, or compassion perhaps, but I choose call it "acid build up" and like to wash it down with a jigger of "I don't give a figgie pudding anymore." Unlike Britney, Lindsay has burned through her good-will-o-meter with not just pathetic drunken crotch-bearing behavior, but a flagrant and disrespectful disregard for her position in life, a position she wouldn't have without her young and impressionable fans. Lindsay has conducted herself in a wasteful, crude and unappreciative manner. And while I may feel for her out of some motherly instinct, her conscious choice to abuse her talents and body, plus her insatiable need for any and all sorts of attention, begs for my unwavering critical eye of discontent. Lindsay, known for so many horrifying things ranging from out of control drug use, to boyfriend binges, paranoia, and general bitchiness, has also included being a prolific, if incoherent and poorly-executing, writer to her resume of suckiness. Seriously, she makes Britney seem like a Pulitzer Prize contender.Her latest efforts with the written word started with the death of famed director Robert Altman, with whom she worked recently on the film A Prairie Home Companion.Lindsay, stricken with grief, fired off a letter of condolence to the Altman family. Like a David Lynch movie, it started out okay, but quickly began to spiral out of control. You can almost sense the twitching and the sparks flare as the gears in Lindsay's wee little brain begin to grind, as she feebly attempts to express herself and descend into her mental melt down:So every day when you wake up, Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments. The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious. ,Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have. When we shouldn't..... ' Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come. If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.God Bless, peace and love always. Thank You, "BE ADEQUITE" Lindsay Lohan"Wow! Stunning, and not in a good way. It's like reading my junior high writing. Sure there are big sounding words in there and it seems all fantastic, but then I get it back with so much red ink and angry scrawls that I can't quite make out the enormous F that's been etched into it.Since I know the readers of this site are WAY too sophisticated to troll the celebrity media, trust me when I say this particular missive was so panned and critiqued across the world that there is NO FLIPPING WAY Lindsay isn't aware of the fact that people know what a blathering idiot she is. In fact, the UK publication The Independent suggested that her letter is "Exhibit A for the indictment of America's education system"!Or, perhaps Lindsay was just being "adequite" and possibly juiced?Any normal celebrity would recuse themselves form the spotlight after all the bad press Lindsay has received of late, but Lindsay's like a meteor on a crash course with destiny and won't stop until she and the dinosaurs have become extinct.Then there's Exhibit B.Lindsay was in attendance at a dinner for the GQ Men of the Year awards, where she received the honor of being Obsession of the Year (neat!). Page Six reported that sources at the party witnessed Lindsay flip out when she spotted her former assistant, whom after a nasty split with Lohan, now works for actress Jessica Biel, who was also in attendance. Lohan, always the picture of rational behavior was heard barking, "If she stays, I'm outta here! I can't look at that girl! I can't believe you would allow an assistant in here - she doesn't belong in here!"Apparently few cared about her outrage, but comedian Will Ferrell was overheard telling Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and former Vice President Al Gore, "Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?"Fast forward to the present and it seems that according to Ms. Lohan, former VP Al Gore is giving her props. At least that's what her most recent paranoid booze-induced scrawls say, which, thankfully, she emailed to her entire address book."Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK." Al Gore's rep had this to say regarding LL's statement: "I can confirm to you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week. There were hundreds of other guests."Here's an image of the entire email: All I can say is WOWEE WOW WOW. If that's not the most glaring case for full committal at the place of quiet respite, I don't know what is.Not sure who exactly is to blame for this most severe disintegration of a former promising actress, but it sure isn't me. I've been pulling for you Lindsay, but now I wash my hands, and perhaps my feet, of you. If you don't get your severely lodged cranium out of your rectal cavity soon, we will all be taking a moral inventory of your less than "adequite" life as we mourn your final act.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears Create Two-Headed Monster, "Sparis"

Dawn Olsen — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 12:14:32 EST

In case you have been living in a cave, or better yet, don't follow celebrity news, an ungodly union has emerged the likes of which hasn't been seen since Hitler and Mussolini. Prepare the garlic, silver bullets, holy water, and someone get Van Helsing on the horn: Britney Spears has joined forces with, *gag* *cough*, Paris Hilton.To preserve balance in the universe, somewhere a force of vast intelligence, refinement and chastity must have accumulated to fill the void that was created when these two witless icons of skankitude came together. And someday, if we pray hard enough and long enough, the seal will be broken and the angels of death and destruction will swoop down and save us all as they ravage and feed on the evil "Sparis" (spare-us), leaving behind only an entwined, withered, STD-ravaged, two-headed carcass with nary a brain betwixt them. Whew! Seriously, it's hard to imagine a stranger combination. But, lest we think this pairing is as contrived and ill conceived as her two-year marriage to back-up dancer turned failed rapper, Kevin Federline, think again. While the manufactured flaxen duo may be short on brainpower, there's enough raw ambition, sheer audacity, and hard cash to keep this train wreck a rollin' until the cows come home, so to speak. We can only speculate what spawned this union, but it would seem Britney's recent separation and plea for divorce from husband K-Fed, and a desire to reclaim her pop princess status, are at the heart of it from her end. Spears, who filed for divorce on November 7, a mere three weeks ago, has yet to settle the matter of custody of their two K-Fed spawn, Sean Preston, one, and two-month-old Jayden, but both are asking for custodial rights, with visitation rights for the other. Luckily for Britney, an iron-clad pre-nup is in place guaranteeing that baby-daddy Fedster will be dumpster-diving for dinner post-haste as his new CD, Playing With Fire, isn't burning up the charts. To date, he has sold a whopping 2,000 copies of the disc, and has been forced to give tickets away to his shows. Anyways, enough about that loser, the real show here is Britney, who has been on a fast track of self-discovery and rejuvenation. Not only did she drop 180 pounds of dead weight, present at the AMA's, and do Late Night With David Lettermen, but she has managed to present her lady parts in what is possibly the most drawn out strip tease on record. Day one we are shown the glaringly white panties, day two something that can only be described as flesh colored panties or weird folds of skin; and finally day three, Britney gives us what we have all been waiting for: full on beaver action. The only thing left is an electroscopic examination of her birth canal and womb tour. Girlfriend needs attention - STAT What has caused the once beloved junior diva to lose her ever-loving mind and whore it up D-list style? Paris, obviously! Who better to usher you from the metaphorical Malibu trailer park to the current rage of invisible underwear for poptarts?One has to wonder what Paris' ulterior motive must be. And trust us, she has one.According to Paris' spokesperson, the enigmatically spoken Elliot Mintz, it's all for the betterment of Britney. Mintz tells TMZ that the two are "really forming a bond" as Paris introduces Britney to the Los Angeles party scene. Mintz adds that Britney "looks up" to Paris, who is a year older than she is, and is "extremely grateful" that Paris is looking after her. This includes staying at Spears' Malibu house and helping her look after her two sons. Speaking of which, how can all of this partying and image deterioration be helping her children, who are quite young and in need of their mother? Two-month-olds don't take care of themselves, y'all. And surely no one can think that Paris is a good daddy figure for the tykes. What about Britney's big musical comeback? According to recent reports, Britney's label Jive Records isn't happy about her late night partying, which according to a source is the reason she "has been missing recent recording sessions." The article also quotes a source saying that instead of tripping the light fantastic in LA, Spears was "supposed to be at the Marlin Hotel in Miami recording with Pharrell Williams."The Neptune's Williams is less than pleased about having his time wasted. "He is a very busy man in the music industry and doesn't have time to be messed around like this." Not to mention Pharrell even had some cupcakes delivered to the recording studio as a little gift to Brit, but Nitwit Brit must've forgotten and never showed up. A once famed multi-tasker, Britney seems to have lost her touch, and she just can't handle the midnight feedings, slippery nipples, and career all at once. She's even bailed on her commitment to host the Billboard Music Awards with her new drinking buddy Paris, giving no reason and leaving her pal alone to host the show. Whoa, someone better tell Britney that diapers and formula don't pay for themselves. We aren't all heiresses with trust funds to fall back on - and she better not be counting on K-Fed for support yo - 'cuz that ho-rida done emptied the cupboards and skipped town.All kidding aside, Britney's fans and caring celebrities alike are concerned for Britney and the well-being of her kiddles. Outspoken mother and talk show host Rosie O'Donnell has suggested an end to the chaos, stating, "We don't want Britney hanging out with Paris... Britney... stay at home with the kids."We can certainly understand Britney's need for release after being holed up and pregnant for the last two years, but slow down, dear, moderation is the key to all good things.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Paris Hilton Shamelessly Flaunts Her Stash

Dawn Olsen — Mon, 9 Oct 2006 16:46:23 EDT

Yes, I said her stash -- not her, um, well, you know what I mean. More to the point, there are new pictures of Paris exposing the contents of her purse, including a rather suspicious bag of green leafy matter while in the front row of a Dolce & Gabbana catwalk show.What kind of leaves, you ask? Well, according to her publicist, that is a question from which we shouldn't draw any conclusions.Hilton publicist Elliot Mintz says for the record, "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos." Wow, he's good. Because for a minute, I almost thought that Paris had a dime bag of some tender sativa, in nice little easy-to-pop-in-your-pipe form, wrapped in a convenient travel-sized, straight-from-your-dealer baggy. But hells, y'all, that's just her personal stash of chamomile tea, for those late nights when she has trouble relaxing.Sadly, this isn't Mr. Mintz's first foray into spinning Paris's proclivities for public behavior more befitting the Kottonmouth Kings than an heiress. Over the summer, Mr. Mintz was forced to issue this statement in response to video of Paris smoking what appeared to be a joint outside an L.A. club: "I just want to get something clear with you. Paris Hilton rolled her own tobacco cigarette. It was tobacco that you saw." Yes, and crack is that space between your butt cheeks.Honestly, if I were Mr. Mintz I would politely write the following letter to the Hilton camp: Dear Paris,As of this moment, I am resigning from my position as your publicist. Despite my earnest efforts to the contrary, you have made it clear that you are completely uninterested in conducting yourself in a way that is fitting of your station in life. It is not just that you are consumed by self-destructive habits, for that is to be expected of someone whose parents gave them everything but love and time. It is more your wanton disregard for my position and ability to parlay your stupidity into anything other than pathetic riddles and allusive enigmas to explain your behavior. I am a publicist, not a magician. No amount of money can make you more than you are, which in the vernacular of the day is something the youth might call a skeezer.Farewell, and may you some day find the dignity and wherewithal to pull yourself up from the dank, sloppy sewer in which you have chosen to wallow.It has to be gettin' ri-freaking-diculous defending this petulant re-offender of the senses, yet, somehow the man keeps plugging away. It's hard to say who has less sense of self-worth, Paris or Elliot.This latest stunt comes on the heels of last week's barroom brawl featuring the young Ms. Hilton in a throwdown with Dancing With The Stars reject Shanna Moakler, the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Travis Barker, of Blink 182 fame.According to separate reports filed by both women, an altercation occurred shortly after 1:00 a.m. last Wednesday inside the L.A. nightclub Hyde (where else?). Elliot Mintz gave Paris's side of the story: "She was approached by Moakler using the most vile of language and then struck Hilton in the jaw with her fist."Paris claims this was an unprovoked attack, unless you count devouring Moakler's soon-to-be-ex husband Travis Barker mantis-style unprovoked. It seems that Shanna isn't taking recent stories and photos of Paris and the obscenely tatted Travis Barker with aplomb.Moakler, on the other hand, remembers a slightly different version of events and says she was "attacked by Hilton's ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, who bent her wrists, poured a drink on her and shoved her down some stairs" -- this according to HER publicist, Susan Madore.Either way, it was a win-win. How can you lose with Shanna having her head doused in liquor and Paris punched in the puss?If you threw in a rampaging elephant and some clowns, you'd have yourself a three-ring circus.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Split - Too Much Drama, Not Enough Funny

Dawn Olsen — Thu, 5 Oct 2006 13:07:26 EDT

Actor/comedian Vince Vaughn has apparently pulled the plug on his relationship with actress Jennifer Aniston. The split was "solidified" during a lengthy phone call from London, where Vaughn is doing work on a holiday comedy, Joe Claus.Wow, I bet no one saw this coming! What with all the "there's nothing to see here" and "we aren't engaged" crap coming out of Aniston's mouth for the last year, it was a matter of time before Vince got the hint Jennifer just wasn't committed to the relationship, or perhaps that she's one loopy bitch. An "inside source" told Us Weekly that Vaughn confided to him/her, “It’s not common knowledge, but we’re not together anymore. We’ve split up.”The Good Girl also canceled a pre-arranged visit to London, where she and Vaughn were to have attended a party together on September 23. Lucky Vince, maybe now he can have a good time a la Wedding Crashers without the old ball and chain to drag him down. What does Team Aniston have to say about The Break-Up stars' reported breakup? “They’re 100 percent done,” said the source. That sounds like something Team Anniston would say. The reasons behind the split are numerous and not unpredictable, including sources citing Vince being "scared off" by how "needy she is."Oh, that's the death knell right there, ladies: neediness. You don't have to be a multi-millionaire famous actress to know that.Plus, you'd think after getting totally dumped by your husband for Angelina "I Am a Rock I Am an Island" Jolie, with whom he immediately bred, it ought to have sent a clear "ixnay on the eedinessnay" message to Aniston. But alas, some habits die hard. It's also been averred that Vince's mom was not a fan of the Friends star. Apparently, when Vaughn called his mother to announce the engagement, Mom Vaughn "freaked out." And by freaked out, I think they mean, she said something like, "Are you nuts? That chick is as psycho as that guy you played in, um, Psycho. Run, Vince, run as fast as you can. Oh, and get back that $500K, 9.5 carat yellow diamond ring you gave her, too, 'cuz that loon might use it to scratch your eyes out."Paraphrasing, of course. Jennifer described Vince's mom's interference as "a real letdown," and is "upset his mom got in the way."No mention of wishing that old meddling prune would drop dead of a heart attack, dry up, and blow away.In fact, it is reported that Aniston did return the ring he gave her when they supposedly didn't get engaged. It must have been one of those promise rings all the kids talk about: "I promise I will marry you next week if you will sleep with me today." Don't fall for it, Wimpy. Not surprisingly, another big factor was the old "Jen's world" issue causing way too much scrutiny for the couple as the media blitz that plagued them wouldn't let up and just let them be, let them alone.So, it seems, in this case, it's Jen's fault for the breakup. What guy's ego -- even a seemingly laid back guy like Vaughn -- is going to tolerate constant public denials of a relationship? Imagine if you will you weren't a famous guy, but just some Joe Blow and the girl you keep taking out on dates and taking home to mom constantly says, "We aren't dating -- I don't even know who this pecker is, he just keeps showing up the same places I do." I mean, seriously.Don't worry, Vince, you'll bounce back. As for Jennifer, I hear there are all kinds of shallow, superficial, children-hating men in some place called Hollywood. You should check it out.

Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.