Blogcritics Author: Chancelucky

TV Review/Satire: American IdolWare - The Top Six Finalists Perform

Chancelucky — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:05:05 EDT

With the David Archuleta blender whatever you put in, 90 seconds later you pour out a rich, creamy, pop ballad.
Now that some of the more talented singers have been voted off after arguably strong performances, a lot of viewers have been wondering what the show is up to. Of course, the producers' official line is that “America Votes” -- we just subtly and not so subtly try to manipulate the way you vote. Anyway, Syesha Mercado and Carly...

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Satire: The Rove Ultimatum

Chancelucky — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 23:43:47 EDT

Background Note: Karl Rove was adopted by his stepfather Louis Rove at a very early age. There appears to be no public record of the former deputy chief of staff's birth name. Many have speculated on the effect the events of Karl Rove's family life may have had on him. Below is the true story of how he became the man we know today and why he suddenly left the White House.The Rove Identity (based on the book by Chance Ludlum)In the summer of 2007, the man we know as Karl Rove and the President of the United States, "W", are riding alone together on the capitol subway to the senate office building. W: But 30% of America still likes me, right?KR: Yes, Mr. President. Millions of people still support you. They can't explain why or defend it, but they still like you.W: And there are lots of people who don't like Hillary Clinton?KR: Absolutely.W: She's not right for America because she has big thighs and forgave her husband.KR: Exactly. America will never stand for that in a president. Besides, she has no penis. W: Really?KR: No brain and no heart. That's not a problem. (points at W) But America will never vote for a President with no penis. W: That's why I tell people, if America really wants a woman President, they should elect Condi. She even follows football. KR: TMI Mr. President. TMI.W: It's not like I've seen it. I just felt it from behind when I asked her to do to me what we were doing to the American people. KR: Mr. President, some information really does need to be subject to executive privilege. W: I was thinking the other day that Hillary doesn't even mountain bike. Could you imagine her trying to dress up in a flight suit and land on an aircraft carrier? She'd probably try to talk about Universal Health Care or something instead of killing terrorists. I just can't see her being presidential like that. Would she know how to give Angela Merkel a back rub at just the right time? There's a tapping sound on the shell of the capitol subway, Karl looks up then slips his glasses into his jacket pocket. Suddenly, a gang of men in ninja suits descend upon KR and W. W: You want me? Bring 'em on!They advance anyway. W jumps under the seat. Only his cowboy boots are visible. KR pops up and advances on the ninjas, throws three karate chops, kicks two of them in the solar plexus. One of the attackers starts to run away, Karl then reaches into a pocket and whips out a blackberry, presses a button, and the last Ninja falls over and dies.W: (now back in his seat) Talk about Mission Accomplished. How did you do that?KR: I'm not sure. All I remember is that I sent out those talking points on my Blackberry and that last guy dropped dead.KR looks out of the Capitol subway window. He then grabs the president, pulls him through the hole in the roof entered by the ninjas, grabs a sprinkler pipe while holding W on his back, and transits it hand to hand all the way back to the Capitol, where KR calls in secret service protection for W. KR bounds down the Capitol steps, jumps into a cab, pushes the driver out of the car into the middle of the street, floors the accelerator, ditches the cab outside the District. We next see him making a survivalist camp somewhere in the woods. A camera shot back to the floor of the Capitol Subway car reveals a document on the floor next to one of the dead ninjas, a congressional subpoena for the President and his deputy chief of staff.Cross Cut to Dick Cheney's office with the vice-president and a faceless minion (FM)FM: Mr. Vice President, just so I have the story right for the press. How is it again that the vice president is not part of the executive branch?DC: The Vice President presides over the senate. The office is therefore beyond the executive branch. This is the reason why I'm the one who really runs the country. FM: Do you really think I should include that last part? DC: That's up to you Worm Tail. Another faceless minion comes running into the Vice President's office.FM2: Mr. Vice President, something happened in the Capitol Subway system. Rove has broken loose.Dick Cheney opens a drawer and pulls out an AK47 with an American Flag embossed on the stock. DC: What are you idiots waiting for? We've got to stop him before he gets to the New York Times.FM2: Mr. Vice President, it's not the Times or the Post anymore who report these kinds of things. It's bloggers.DC: We've got to stop him before he gets to Blog Critics. FM2: Where's the *$(*% GPS we implanted on him?DC: (points to FM2. FM2 looks up and points a finger at himself) Yes, you. (FM2 begins to shake his head vigorously, but Dick Cheney shoots him dead then turns to FM1) That's not the first man I've shot in the face.FM1: Mr. Vice-President, you don't have to shoot me. Please Mr. Jackal. I've been your friend ever since we knew you as "Carlos". DC: A little too late. (he shoots the second man. We next see him jumping into a helicopter on top of the Executive Office Building) I'm Rove's handler. I guess I'm going to have to handle him. (the sound of a gun safety snaps off over the whirr of the helicopter blades)Crosscut to Karl Rove's survival camp in the woods of Northern Virginia. He is using his Republican party tie as a headband as he roasts two dead rodents on a makeshift spit. With his shirt off and a full dose of adrenalin, Karl now looks like a very weird take on Matt Damon. He pulls off his White House ID and looks at his own name tag."I'm not Karl Rove. That's not my real name. Who the hell am I? Who was I before I became this cold-blooded political killer?"Rove pulls another Blackberry out of his pocket and begins studying his list of contacts. He discovers that he has 347 messages from the Republican National Committee and fifteen messages with exclamation points from the Office of the Vice President. Camera cuts to a shot of Rove donning a disguise and slipping on to a commercial flight. KR: This TSA bullshit, is so ridiculous. They took away my water bottle and moisturizing cream, but they ignored all the spy equipment that I checked on. I miss Air Force One. He looks out the window of the plane and a flashback sequence begins with a mystery young man (mym) who looks like a much younger version of Karl Rove.DS: You really want to help your country. You're a perfect candidate for special political operatives school, The Rat Fuck Academy at the School of the Americas.MYM: Whatever it takes to keep President Nixon in the White House. He got us Peace with Honor in Vietnam you know.DS: Well, to be honest it's bigger than that. You're a perfect candidate though.The younger man is taken into a darkened-locked room. He is bound to a chair and a black hood is placed over his head. Two men pour a bucket of water over his head at random intervals.MYM: Mr. Segretti, why are you doing this to me? I told you I'd help you. I'd do anything for the Party.DS: You'd call someone a lesbian just to win an election. You'd insinuate that someone molested children?MYM: Sure, I've already stolen stationery from an opponent to send out fake press releases. I've taught students how to literally go through our opponents' garbage. DS: And you feel no guilt about it?The voice of a third man is heard.3rd Man: It's remarkable, I've never seen anyone with less remorse. It's why I made him the chairman of the College Republicans after he cheated in their election.DS: You were a great Republican party chairman.3rd Man: I'll be an even better CIA director. This guy has talent.DS: Waterboard this little fucker.....3rd Man: I don't like having to do this, but it's in the name of freedom. Right Segretti?DS: Absolutely. After all, we work for the President of the United States, we can do whatever we want.They pull the mystery young man's drenched head out of the water.3rd Man: Ask him if he'd out an undercover CIA agent and then lie about it? (Segretti asks the question) MYM: Well....wouldn't that be treason? I thought I was supposed to be helping the United States?The mystery young man's head is plunged back into the water and we hear a scream.DS: We haven't broken him yet, but we will. He'll be the perfect political killing machine. Efficient, quick, and totally without conscience. He'll be leaking to Robert Novak before the year is out. He can already kill a Federal prosecutor's career on command. Doesn't even ask about the family. In fact, he seems to prefer attacking the family members first. 3rd Man: Read my lips. This one looks like a keeper. See if he wants some pork rinds. Cut back to the plane as the stewardess announces the landing at SFO. KR jolts forward in his seat and rubs his eyes. He rents a car and drives to a modest looking home in a small town north of San Francisco at three in the morning.CL: Okay, who the Ken Starr is outside my window? (he's holding an airsoft pistol) I'm not afraid to use this. I've shot live turkeys and this one can launch a rubber pellet at almost 300 feet per second.KR: Chancelucky, don't shoot. It's me Karl.CL puts the airsoft gun down then helps Karl Rove climb through the window. CL: Karl, couldn't you just have e-mailed me? I didn't even know that you made house calls. KR runs to CL's phone and rips it out of the wall. He then ducks below window level as he searches for electronic surveillance devices.KR: CL, I need your help. CL: Of course Karl, but please don't wake up my wife. KR: They're after me now.CL: Karl, who's they?KR: Dick Cheney's inner cabal.CL: I thought you were one of them.KR: They turn on everyone who gets in their way.CL: What happened?KR: I don't know. A couple days ago, we were hanging out in the White House basement while Dick was shooting a couple dozen pheasants there and he starts talking about starting a war with Iran.CL: Wow.KR: Anyway, there's this sharp pain in my head. I started seeing all these dead bodies and starving children. It was the damndest thing.CL: Karl, regular people call it a conscience.KR: For some weird reason like I had Tourette's or something I say, "Dick, we could maybe get away with it, but it would be wrong."CL: So what happened next?KR: Nothing really. The Vice President doesn't say a word. He just turns and gives me this look.CL: And?KR: I then say "Right, Carlos?"CL: As in Carlos the Jackal, the most famous contract killer in the world?KR: Wow, I'd never thought of it that way. Anyway, Dick just goes back to shooting more pheasants. He hits a secret service agent or two, but nothing out of the ordinary. We leave the White House basement together and for the next couple days, everything's pretty much normal. I send out a couple dozen talking points about Iran's ties to both Al Qaeda and the Obama campaign. I get a couple reporters to make fun of Elizabeth Edwards's cancer. You know the usual.Then I'm chatting with W on the Capitol Subway and we get attacked by Ninjas. I didn't even know that I knew karate.CL: Karl, I'm just a blogger who works for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy sometimes. How the hell do you expect me to help you?KR: CL. I need to know who I really am?CL: Well this is Northern California....Perhaps we can find a New Age cult that can help you.KR: You're a truly Great American CL.The sound of helicopters is heard above the house. KR looks out the window and spots four black helicopters. He motions for CL to run to the garage and hop in the car. CL protests that he has to get Mrs. CL first.Suddenly Mrs. CL comes out of the master bedroom in her nightgown. She's carrying an anti-tank weapon that she mounts on the deck as she calmly shoots down all four helicopters. She then waves CL and KR towards the car and tells them to go without her.KR: That was pretty impressive CL.CL: That's why I warned you not to wake my wife up. You should have seen what happened to our neighbor who used to run his leaf blower every weekend. Anyway, I guess she can take care of herself while we're gone.KR: I sure wouldn't want to fight with a wife like that.CL: Last week, she said she wanted to vote for Hillary. I didn't say a thing.KR: Hillary's not so bad. People just need to listen to what she really has to say.CL: Karl, are you all right?KR: Sure. All things considered. Why do you ask?CL: I've never heard you talk that way about Hillary before. KR: Who? What?CL and KR drive to Nevada.KR: Why are we going here? Did you win one of those four night two day free stays? If you did. I wouldn't take the bait. Most of them are scams.CL: We're going back to your past Karl.KR: What do you mean?CL: A couple weeks ago, I realized something. No one's ever seen your birth certificate.KR: You mean my real name might not be Karl Christian Rove and I maybe wasn't born on Christmas Day 1950?CL: You think maybe the middle name Christian might have been a clue?KR: Wow....Never looked at it that way CL.CL: The record says you were born in Denver and nobody seems to know the name of your biological father.KR: Wow, just like Jesus.CL: The next thing anyone knows is that your mother marries a man named Louis Rove and your family winds up in Nevada for some reason.KR: There were jobs in places like Reno.CL: Or maybe Area 51 happens to be in Nevada.They park next to a barbed wire fence that bears a sign. "This Installation Does not Exist. Go Back Now!"KR: You think this might be Area 51?CL: Just guessing here, but what do we have to lose?Karl cuts the wire and they slip into a warehouse. On one side of the warehouse is an assortment of abandoned flying saucers. The other end has the bodies of unfamiliar sentient creatures preserved in a blue liquid. The two men barely seem to notice as they head for a stack of DVD's.CL: I think it might be these. They're labeled "Turd Blossom".KR whips out a portable DVD player. KR: That's Don Segretti, my first mentor. I knew that he didn't do anything wrong really. They just used his prosecution and prison sentence as a cover. Now, there's Lee Atwater, my other mentor. I can't believe they killed him at the end when he started asking for forgiveness for all the terrible things he'd done. He was a great man.CL: Karl, look at this one.In a split screen, there's a scene at CIA headquarters with the then Director of the Agency interviewing Segretti. DS: We have completed his training. We've turned him completely. Head of CIA: We're going to make Carlos his handler. DS: You mean Dick Cheney? Isn't that the idiot who's convinced the Russians want to bomb us from space?Head of CIA: I trust Dick Cheney and this is the last time anyone calls him Carlos. Understand?DS: He's ready. Head of CIA: He's going to go by the name Karl Christian Rove?DS: We even gave him papers saying that he was born on Christmas Day. He'll do anything we want. He can destroy someone's life without giving it a second thought. How's that for Irony?Head of CIA: Well, if you've ever really read the Bible, it's not that ironic. DVD cuts to a split screen scene with a date stamp in the eighties. In one screen, a very drunk young man is seen crashing his car into a bunch of garbage cans. He's wearing jeans, a flight jacket, and pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and says something about his father that's too slurred to be understood.In the other screen, a brash young officer in a flight jacket drips with charisma. Lee Atwater and the man's father who sounds much like the former Director of the CIA are heard talking. LA: Segretti says that Rove is so well trained that he can make this drunken idiot President of the United States. He's the ultimate weapon. Cheney's going to handle both of them.Man with Voice of Director of CIA: After they're through, I'm going to look like the last great Republican president. God help us all.KR turns to CL.KR: My God CL, I can't believe that I thought that idiot had any kind of charisma. I see the video now and this is the last guy who should have ever been President. I'm so embarrassed.CL: Karl, it wasn't your fault. They waterboarded you. You did this because you wanted to be a loyal American. They twisted you. We're going to get your real identity back.Cuts to a scene of Dick Cheney in his office. He is opening an unmarked package containing two DVDs labeled "copies only, we have plenty more, Carlos".A week later Karl Rove quietly resigns from his duties as Deputy Chief of Staff to the President. Dick Cheney does not comment.

TV Review: American Idol - Was the Show Off Key on Tuesday Night?

Chancelucky — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 09:26:21 EDT

The Idol topic of the moment appears to be Simon Cowell’s eye roll after Chris Richardson said that he wanted to dedicate his performance Tuesday night to his many good friends at Virginia Tech. Richardson had just gotten beaten up by the judges for his performance of a song about wanting to be back with Opie, Andy, Barney, and Aunt Bea. It hardly seemed to be the sort of song one would dedicate to friends under such somber circumstances. Richardson also could possibly have said his bit before singing instead of after. Of course, it’s not clear if it was either possible to change his song to some more broken-hearted country dirge, say Patsy Cline, or if he could have said anything before his performance. In any case, Chris’s “dedication” had the unfortunate feel of being a vote-getting ploy because of the way he wound up doing it. Simon maybe shouldn’t have rolled his eyes (if that’s in fact what the eye roll was about), but I did too. My guess is that Chris didn’t intend it that way, it just sort of came off like that.The whole incident was one of those reminders about how tricky it can be when reality intrudes on reality TV. One of my first non-serious thoughts after hearing about the shootings was “Oh my God, what if the guy did it to protest Sanjaya Malakar’s staying on the show.”How’s that for taking some of the heat off of Simon and Chris here? I apologize to anyone I offended with that, but I’m sharing it to make a point. Do we have too many ways to “escape” in our culture or not enough of them, and what is the proper role of reality TV in our lives at times like this?As I went for my afternoon walk today, it did occur to me that there might have been better ways for the show to deal with the news. I did think Ryan’s pre-broadcast message was fine, but maybe a quick group sing of something like “Amazing Grace.” recorded by any number of country artists or even a moment of silence with pictures of the Blue Ridge mountains playing on the screen might have worked better. In exchange, they could easily have cut down on some of the banter or maybe edited some of the coaching bits. Idol consistently equates the show itself with "America" and what "America" wants and feels. So why not?Instead, there was this odd tension between “business as usual” on the show and the obvious fact that this show claims to be “ordinary people” singing their way to celebrity, and thus a bit more connected to the actual world than say a laugh-tracked episode of Two and a Half Men. In particular, I think the judges didn’t get the fact that the live audience kept giving the singers standing ovations not because they loved the music or the performances, but because they were trying to show a kind of solidarity about “keeping America entertained” on a night where a little diversion couldn’t hurt.The show’s producers are usually almost telepathic about complex cultural messages, but the irony is that they totally underestimated the social power of music this time. They had a chance to use the show to heal, yet I’m mostly left with the Simon-Chris eye roll controversy. It's sad, particularly given how religious some of the contestants appear to be this year. I'm not blaming them; it was really more the way the show missed the opportunity.It’s an eerie coincidence that “Idol Cares” just happens to be next week’s theme. My question right now is how well does Idol help us feel? Music isn’t just about making money or even making dreams come true. It’s also about healing and recharging the spirit. One reason I write about the show is that I love music because of the power it has in our lives. I'll confess that I sometimes use my reviews to discuss what's possible in music vs. what's on the show. It’s sad to me that the producers of Idol this Tuesday night missed how much music can matter and how it really can make a difference without resorting to corporate tie-ins for every vote on the show.

American Idol: God's Own Sligh Sense of Humor

Chancelucky — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 10:20:17 EDT

If you ever happen to take a moment to look over the profiles of the finalists on the official American Idol page you might be struck by the same thing I was. An awful lot of the contestants mention God rather prominently and most plan to thank God if they happen to win. Not a single one of them wants to thank America, the ingrates. No wonder that family wanted Simon Cowell to go back to French. Melinda Doolittle and Haley Scarnato mention God repeatedly. Jordin Sparks and Chris Sligh were a bit lower key about it, but have made their beliefs clear in other ways. This led me to ask what role God really plays in the show. It does make sense to me; God’s second commandment is “Thou shalt not worship false idols,” so he/she clearly has a strong interest in helping to ensure that America picks the right one. It did strike me as a bit odd that Chris Sligh, who also serves as a youth minister and whose preferred musical genre is “Christian Rock”, got voted off the show before, say, Sanjaya Malakar singing about “Bathwater.” I mean if God has so much to say about the outcomes each Wednesday, what was up with that? I was a little shocked to start getting text messages not from Gabriel, but from God himself.God: So Gabriel sent me your shout out from his Myspace page and for now I have you on my friends list.(I dropped to my knees immediately and began confessing.)CL: I really shouldn’t have lied about where I was that night. I was young, but it was still wrong…God: You want to confess, go to church or something. I thought you wanted to talk about American Idol.CL: Sorry, I’m pretty bewildered here. Text messages, Myspace? What happened to the burning bush and hearing voices?God: Al Gore helped us with something called Ether-Mail back when he invented the Internet. It keeps an Akashik record. I can send messages to multiple people. You wouldn’t believe some of the confusion we had with the old system. Look at what happened to Lot’s wife. No way that had to happen. Lot just didn’t believe it was really me and as I think about it, who can blame him? So many things I might have done differently. I mean I probably didn’t have to torture Job for 720 years just to win a bet with Satan. A hundred and seventy-five would have been plenty. You realize that after I restored everything to him threefold all the warranties had expired and the community property laws had changed? By the way, that ten commandments font I'm using is pretty cool. You think?CL: But, you’re texting me? What’s that mean? I’m no saint.God: Hey whoa! I talk to everyone. Don’t get any ideas there. That’s how the Taiping rebellion started and don’t even get me started on Joseph Smith or Mary Baker Eddy. By the way, I sound and look nothing like George Burns. CL: But shouldn’t we be texting about the end of days or something? American Idol is just a TV show.God: You remember in Genesis where it says “On the seventh day I rested.” Enough with this work ethic stuff, I need time off. Gabriel’s into music, so we watch the show . We don’t watch the auditions, way too mean-spirited. I hear that Lucifer does though. CL: Okay, as long as you’re not going to smote me or anything. I’m honored to be texting you about the show. God: Well, you came recommended by Elvis. CL: So why Chris Sligh?God: Hey, you want to hear a joke? St. Peter calls Sigmund Freud up to see me. Freud’s happy to get out of hell where he spends the eternity being tantalized by pictures of his mother while she yells at him about what a stupid idea penis envy was. Anyway, he gets up here and says, “But why does God need a psychoanalyst?” Peter says, “Well to be honest Dr. Freud, he’s having delusions of grandeur.” Freud scratches his head for a moment, pulls out a cigar, then asks,”How could God possibly have delusions of grandeur?”Peter shrugs and points him to this room where I’m sitting at the end of a long table with three chairs. Freud says “The Last Supper?”“No, worse than that. He thinks he’s Simon Cowell.”(pause) Hey, you’re not laughing.CL: Honestly, I thought it was funny, but I don’t always laugh out loud at text jokes.God: Look, it’s me. I can look into your heart. You’re not laughing.CL: Well, maybe it was the timing.God: I’ll work on it. Henny Youngman and his wife have been asking for a better room, maybe he can help.CL: Okay, let’s talk about what you want to talk about.God: You know what a Pharisee is?CL: Were they a doo-wop group at the end of the fifties?God: Everyone’s a comedian these days.CL: But how was my timing?God: Okay, Chris Sligh’s rhythm was off. Paula was right, he’s ahead of the beat, but that’s not what happened to him. He’s a nice fellow... it’s certainly not like I didn’t like the guy. Look at the wife.CL: But, Chris said Jesus was his biggest inspiration.God: Yeah, but that Ponyhawk was pretty awesome. That kid Sanjaya’s awfully entertaining. You know as much as Sligh talked about “beating the system”, Sanjaya figured out how to get more out of less. CL: But he can’t sing that well.God: You think I care? I hear the music of the heart anyway. You saw how he handled his sister. I’m not a big Diana Ross fan, but she said “Sanjaya is love.” That’s all good with me. And I like looking at my creations sometimes, so I helped keep Haley on the show.CL: Does this mean that you’re male? The Wiccans are really going to be disappointed. By the way, what’s up with Haley dressing like that and talking about praying all the time?God: Look, you’re sweating the small stuff there. It was fun, maybe you don’t have to analyze everything. You have to understand that I’m sort of beyond gender. You humans are always trying to anthropomorphize me. I have to say I kind of like the way the Qu’ran does me.CL: Whoa! You telling me that you’re the same God? God: Abraham, Moses, Noah, Jesus... they’re both sure there’s only one of me. You connect the dots.CL: But why do you let people kill each other over those dots? God: I’d love to talk about that stuff some time, but maybe we should get back to Chris Sligh. Yes, the rhythm was a problem, but it was the Simon thing.CL: Il Divo and Teletubbies?God: No, that was sort of funny. People don’t get the fact that it might have been a mistake, but we all make mistakes. It’s always the cover-up that gets people.CL: I guess I shouldn’t ask about the U.S. Attorney thing.God: Yeesh. Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but that entire administration is run by Pharisees. They run around telling everyone that they believe in me and want to enforce all the written rules, even the ones that aren’t really written, but you look in their hearts and yikes! Sometimes, I tell myself this “free will” business was not such a good idea.CL: I wish you’d talk more in public about this stuff.God: I wish people would listen with their hearts more when I do. CL: So, you didn’t like something about the way Sligh apologized?God: He said he didn’t disrespect Simon with the remark. It was a lie. He was doing exactly that. In that moment, it was more important to Chris Sligh to stay on the show than to show real integrity. After that, instead of being the jester, he tried to act all humble and I’m not sure he really was.CL: So it didn’t matter that he told the world that he’s your servant.God: You know the debate in Galatians about deeds vs. professions of faith.CL: Well, to be honest...God: Paul was really dealing with the question of whether you had to be Jewish first in order to be Christian and I think the underlying circumcision debate was a false dichotomy. Both matter, but what’s in your heart matters even more. CL: Wow. Chris Sligh is going to hell for that?God: Whoa, whoa -- no way. He’s going home and I hope coming home to me. He has a lovely wife, a band. He may even learn to sing in rhythm. He just lost his way on the show. Besides, he just didn’t sing all that memorably. [In a British accent] After all, it is about the music.CL: Wow, how’d you do an accent in a text message? God: It's too bad really. You know for the End World Hunger night, I was thinking of turning over the original musical settings for King David's Psalms. Now, that would have been the bomb, Dawg!CL: You talk to Nigel Lythgoe?God: Where do you think this Idol Cares stuff came from?CL: But how do you know Nigel?God: I shouldn't be telling you this, but Satan's the silent partner in 19E. You know I was going to be on the show for Songs of Inspiration Theme Night.CL: Now that would really have been hot.God: Yeah. It was too bad Bono insisted on top billing. Maybe next year.CL: (laughing) Now, that one your timing was perfect.God: Before you get any ideas, I really don’t mess with the show. He did it to himself. Gabriel and I do vote though. Last year, busy signals all the time. This year, it’s much better.CL: If you didn’t vote for Chris? Can I ask who you two are voting for?God: (MP3 ring tones of "Heaven Knows" mysteriously begins playing on my cell) I really shouldn’t say. CL: I hate to say this, but I don’t have an unlimited text messaging plan. It was good chatting with you.God: C-ya. But, one little bit of advice, CL.CL: I’m all eyes.God: It’s just a TV show. You don’t have to write these reviews every week. No one pays you. Maybe cook dinner for the wife instead. Go for a walk. Help out a little bit. Think about what really matters and live your life accordingly.I wanted to type “You’re not the boss of me,” but all I could do was nod. Postrcipt: I’m thinking somewhere in a church in Greenville, South Carolina in the next couple weeks, the music director might be thinking, “God works in mysterious ways, but when Ryan said I was one of the cleverest contestants ever on the show.. that wasn't the message I should have left America with."

TV Review: Amercan Idol 6 - The Adventures of Sanjaya and Sundance

Chancelucky — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 20:35:16 EDT

I’ve heard a lot of grumbling to the effect that many people couldn’t imagine ever wanting to buy a CD featuring a number of this season's American Idol semifinalists, particularly the males. Let me cut to the chase.Last year I had the good fortune to have secret sources come forward to tell me about the animatronic Taylor Hicks dolls being made in China, the peculiar influence of the Church of Scientology on the competition, and most notably Elvis’s role in getting Chris Daughtry voted off the show. This year, I’ve been getting e-mail from an anonymous source called “Dunklepal” and I feel it's my duty to cut my usual review short and share e-mails culled from the server used by the show’s producers.12/12/06 To CD:Whoo! Thank God for last year’s strategy of you don’t have to be the “winner” to still win on AI. Whoo, whoo... geez Cowell’s a pita, but he was right the first time. America didn’t want to buy that ticky, blues singing, loser’s music. Instead, we signed Chris, Kellie (can you believe that her first single went double D.. I mean, platinum?) and maybe McPhee (did she really have to let Tyra Banks treat her like a roll of Charmin?). But what happens if we break out five new singers every year? The market’s going to saturate. I say horizontal marketing. Who says we have to limit ourselves to cranking out singers or even music? Kellie could certainly do well on a sitcom and Kevin Covais already looks like a cartoon character. Paris Bennett could have done some of the voices. 12/13/06 To NL:Right, I guess I’m the only one around here who remembers Kelly Loves Justin. We fired everyone who thought it was a remotely good idea. Except us of course.12/13/06 To NL and CD:Hey guys, I had to comment. I thought America’s Got Talent did pretty well. Regards,Hoff12/14/06 To CD:Freaking “Reply to all”…. Fire your secretary! You remember last year when that clown wanted to sing in the finale? By the way, I never thanked you for diverting him to that judging gig on that piece of *&%*$ show. So what was that horizontal marketing talk again?12/15/06 To NL:I think the difference is that those were afterthoughts. This time we do it from the beginning.12/16/06 To CD: By the way, were you the one who put Courtney Love’s agent on my speed dial? That wasn’t funny at all. Now that loon thinks she's going to be a judge on the show. Anyway, I’m listening. Let’s talk after the New Year.1/3/07 To CD: You know I know the great singers are out there. It’s just a matter of looking for them.1/4/07 To NL:I wasn’t talking about singers. Who cares if most of these people can't sing. The auditions just have to be good TV. By the way, how’s that vocabulary coach doing with Randy? Can he say anything more than “dawg” or “you blew it out” yet?1/9/07 To CD:The coach thing's going pretty well, she’s even gotten Randy to cut down on his references to everyone he’s ever worked with. I hated getting sued by The Bachelor for copyright infringement over the repeated use of the word “journey”. Anyway, you’ve heard that Ryan is demanding a bigger closet in his dressing room? You’re lucky you missed that meeting with those people who wanted us to make the show more socially conscious. Geez... can you see Simon and Ryan talking about third world debt relief on the results show? "Can I be honest? You, your family, and your entire village are all going to starve to death anyway..." Then Paula jumps in, "You look really beautiful though."Got a call from the network. Looks like virtually everything else other than AI on broadcast TV is tanking. The suits think your idea might save the rest of the FOX schedule.1/21/07 To NL:Sorry, was workin it out. How about... Show 1: Saturday morning cartoons - The Adventures of Sanjaya and SundanceSanjaya and Sundance are the mutant children of professional musicians who never made it as big as they hoped. They’re an unlikely looking pair, but the two meet up through the show when they notice that something’s different about their hair. At some point, we set it up by giving Sanjaya a sister who looks more mainstream; the judges will tell her that she’s just “normal and unremarkable”, but her brother “might be special.”Anyway, Sanjaya and Sundance travel from city to city with Sanjaya pretending to be a teen idol singer and Sundance is his bodyguard. We had a guy named Tommy Daniels who looked like he might be good for the role, but he sang a little too well. Okay, get this. Both are protected by a special power called VFTW -- or, said out loud quickly, voforthuwurs energy which comes in the form of a magic talisman built into a cellphone.Sanjaya, of course, is sweet but goofy. His singing always gets him into more trouble than he bargained for and Sundance has to come bail him out all the time. In episode 2, Sanjaya dressed up as Michael Jackson and does a Fred Astaire song, but for some reason doesn’t even try to dance. Sundance rescues him by screaming so loud that no one watching the show can hear how bad Sanjaya really is. Then get this for a tag line, "Damn, man you could have at least done the hula."Of course, Sundance is jealous of Sanjaya getting to be the star and he keeps telling him that he wants his turn to be the singer and make Sanjaya the bodyguard. Naturally, Sundance can’t sing at all due to some curse put on his father by John Lennon’s ghost. The only time Sundance can escape the curse is if the music has a flatted third or seventh in it and is in twelve bar form. The only problem is that Sundance is the only person in the world who doesn’t know that, so every time he tries he sings anything but the blues.The pair has an arch nemesis, a guy in a black t-shirt and a mask who follows them to every cabaret, hotel lounge, and karaoke bar in the world and threatens to expose Sanjaya as a fake singer.1/23/07 To CD:Not bad, but I got to say those pics you sent me of Sundance might scare little kids. Sanjaya’s sort of non-threatening and likeable, but you think they want Michael Jackson on Saturday morning? Anyway, what else you got? By the way, can these guys sing at all?1/23/07 To NL:Sing? Muahahaha... Sundance is going to make Taylor Hicks and Chris Daughtry look like Ray Charles and Eddie Vedder. Sanjaya could do background vocals for the Teletubbies.How about Welcome Black Cotter? Good looking ex-college basketball player doesn’t make the NBA so he tries a singing career and that doesn’t quite happen either. Opening sequence has someone telling him, “If you can’t do, teach.”Cotter puts away his dreams and becomes a high school teacher hoping that he can inspire someone else to greatness. Instead, he gets the sweathogs, a goofy but loveable group of kids who, if they have talent of any kind, don’t know it. The Vinny Barbarino part is played by Jenry Berjarano, a sort of wild teen who is so much like Mr. Cotter that they don’t get along, especially after Cotter finds his Myspace page. There’s a sweet girl named Baylie who might go somewhere, but she keeps hanging out with the wrong friends. In the meantime, Baylie always forgets stuff at the wrong moment. When Cotter gets really frustrated with the kids, he puts his face in his hands and that’s when something happens in the episode. Paula’s agent already agreed to have her do six guest appearances. We wanted her to play the mom or the principal. Right now, she wants to be the girlfriend, but we’ll get that stuff worked out.By the way, we got a rival teacher who played basketball at Bob Jones. Only problem is he can sing a little bit. 1/30/07Okay, that’s two. So far, we’re still in Puck and Pickler territory. What else you got?2/4/07 How about Beauty and the Sneak: We’ve got a very pretty girl who wants to get ahead, but she totally has the wrong friends. Instead of pairing with someone who tries to help her, they pair her with guys who find slimy ways to wreck whatever she’s doing. As a result, the whole world hates her. She gets sabotaged and gets so embarrassed she keeps saying and doing the wrong thing. Anyway, people secretly love watching better looking people crack up. Look at Britney Spears. This one even sings about as well as Britney.2/5/07Sorry, got to say that one sucks. It’s almost a monument to bad reality TV. No can do.2/6/07 Okay, but the Girls Gone Wild producer is already bidding on the concept. Speaking of Justin Timberlake how about The Biggest Singing Loser: Guy drops a bunch of weight by giving up steroids and suddenly discovers that his voice gets higher too. His football playing buddies don’t understand and the only person he can confide in is his grandmother. In the meantime, it’s part diet show, part lifestyle, part sports commentary, with a little music thrown in. Or...Stacy the Vampire Slayer: Average guy with hair joins the navy. While on watch duty in the Pacific, he’s bitten by a bat. He pretends to shave his head to cover up the change, but also finds that he can sing at really high frequency. If he sings really loud, he can scare off vampires, most of whom live in a hellmouth below the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles, California. In the meantime, Stacy leads a seemingly normal family life with a wife and two kids who have no idea what he really does with the singing. Sometimes the angst that comes with his double identity gets to him, so it’s hard for him to start songs. Well, I hope that was all just speculation, but Dunklepal insists otherwise. Who knows about these AI rumors -- maybe in a couple weeks I’ll get a chance to talk to Elvis again to see what he knows.Some quick thoughts:Stephanie Edwards - If you managed to cross Fantasia with Carrie Underwood, she might be the result. Not much of a following yet, but she in some ways looks like she came from a blueprint for an AI winner.Chris Sligh - Why is everyone hugging Ryan and could Ryan look any less comfortable hugging the contestants? Wonder if it’s an in joke of some kind as in Ryan's frightened to hug fat people because he's scared that he'll catch it again. I’m not sure about the smart aleck suddenly playing the humble card instead, but he made it to the finals.Sundance - Actually sounded way better on his singout, but on Tuesday he looked like a singing Klingon.Melinda - I really liked the OCD thing. I’m not sure she was as "on" as everyone insisted and we’re talking seriously old fashioned song choice. I still think she may be the best singer who’s been on the show. I am a little worried that she only sang stage left this week.AI saves the world - Good for them. In the meantime, this week may have done some real damage to Vote For The Worst's claim to power. Both their choices didn't make the final. Also interesting, DialIdol isn't working as well this year.Sanjaya Malakar - Mmm... a vaguely socially conscious song on the night before AI announces its plans to end world hunger. Why didn’t they let Carrie Underwood say anything on Thursday night? Do you think they were afraid she’d tell America that she gave any weight she didn’t want to Kellie Pickler?Haley Scarnato - I knew her last name, I just can’t really remember what she sang. I have a feeling Simon’s remarks rallied whatever support she does have.Lakisha Jones - Katharine McPhee sang this in the yellow dress last year. Compare Lakisha to McPhee, one of last year’s better singers. Now compare Chris Richardson to Ace Young (one of last year’s weaker singers in the final) who also did Keith Urban. The judges might have liked Chris on it, but he totally lost the meaning of the song. That in a nutshell is the difference between the males and females this year.Blake Lewis - He sounded fine to me, but the whole bit with the goofy character, etc. and the performance made me think street musician or Shari Lewis’s lost grandson. A lot of buskers are really good and it is the one form of second-line entertainment that Simon never mentions in his tirades.Sabrina Sloan - Did she get robbed worse than A.J. Tabaldo? She handled it well.Antonella Barba - I know this is a minority opinion, but she has potential to be very good. She’s not terribly poised either verbally or personally. She mostly needs a coach and more time. I was glad to hear Simon say something about the photo stuff, but I wonder if he was playing Idol poker with his comments. “Actually, we like you and think you handled stuff well, you did okay, but..."If she wants a show biz career, I hope she disappears for a while first. If she takes any offers to capitalize on the scandal stuff, I’d be very sad. In the meantime, transfer to Penn State and find some new friends.Gina Glocksen - Hey Ryan, cut it out with the Chris and Gina sitting in a tree stuff, my boyfriend's upstairs. Why does shes carry around a little statue of Sundance Head?Phil Stacy - Guys older than 25 should not take style tips from the Backstreet Boys. I was thinking, “Geez, even a toupee would have been better.” And Lee Ann Rimes? Maybe there really is a hellmouth under the stage there. Oh yeah, do they actually pay whoever chooses the songs and choreographs those group sings? I didn’t know that anyone who worked on the Lawrence Welk show was still in Hollywood.

TV Review: American Idol - Didn't You Used to Be Kellie Pickler?

Chancelucky — Sat, 3 Mar 2007 18:51:08 EST

There was something unintentionally sad about Kellie Pickler’s appearance. A couple weeks ago, they got comments from Hugh Hefner about the death of his friend and protégée, Anna Nicole Smith and I felt like strangling the guy or at least like putting saltpeter in his fifty gallon Viagra vats. He might have pulled her from behind the Burger King counter to celebrity, but he had so clearly done nothing to help her defend herself from all Playboy-induced celebrity might bring with it. For the guy who should have known better than anyone to be going, “So sad, such a tragedy,” was a bit like Charles Manson sending Roman Polanski a condolence card after he breaks up with a girlfriend. This was not the charming, if occasionally irritating, nineteen-year-old who outlasted several better singers with comic timing, perkiness, and a kind of Girl from the Trailer Park Next door charm. This wasn’t even Girls Next Door, the TV show, charm. This was like she’d suddenly acquired all the creepiness of one of the Girls Next Door’s mothers. You know, the ones who visit that show from time to time and manage to witness their daughters living with the closest thing American culture has to a vampire just for the sake of fame, money, and their own reality show.The look was part Eva Gabor (I guess Green Acres makes some sense), part Dolly Parton (I won’t comment on which two parts), but the new Kellie Pickler was like a punch in the stomach. If this is what American Idol does to more of these wide-eyed young singers in just a year, I need to wash the TV with lye afterwards. It made me feel even more guilty for enjoying the show and promoting it. How do you go from 20 to 40 in just twelve months without vampires being involved?Compounding all this, she was singing a sad song that she’d co-written about her mother not being in her life. Looking like that, pointing to her shoes, doing yet another sushi joke which gets fewer laughs each time, Kellie Pickler made me want to cry for all the wrong reasons. Idol had made so much about the sadness of her back story, but who’s helping this young lady now? Last year, I was thinking she could be June Carter. Now I’m worried that she’ll be Idol’s version of Anna Nicole. Of course, it could just be a bad stylist. Speaking of which, at this point in the show would you want to be known as Melinda Doolittle’s stylist? Her look is about the only thing that makes her not already being a star plausible. You do remember that last year it was Kellie Pickler’s photos in the revealing harem prom dress that made their way across the Internet? That really hurt her chances didn't it? I’m waiting for photos linking Antonella Barba to Tommy Lasorda to show up this weekend. Of course, that’s after someone claims she kidnapped those kids in Missouri. I honestly don’t understand why people have more anger about some girl posing inappropriately on a war monument than they do about Lewis Libby. It doesn’t get mentioned much, but there were agents and informants who had worked with Valerie Plame Wilson who likely did get compromised. If anyone outed Valerie Plame just to make a point, we’re talking seriously sick, not young and stupid.Although she doesn’t sing well enough to have any serious chance to win on this show and she doesn’t have Kellie Pickler’s charm, I just feel bad for Antonella Barba. Her whole saga makes me thing of the first part of the Karate Kid. He moves from New Jersey to Southern California, loses all his friends, gets picked on as the new kid by kids who actually studied karate, then pushes someone back during soccer tryouts and gets kicked off the team. I could see her holed up in her hotel room this week going, “Wax on, wax off. Must find balance.” (That was a really horrible double entendre. I swear it was unintentional.)Anyway, I hope she finds whoever released those pictures and kicks him/her in the face. I also hope she stays out of Playboy, unless she really wants that, of course. I’m sure Hef has been heating up Nigel’s cellphone trying to make a reality show trade in the meantime. In her defense, she sounds better than at least a few singers who’ve made the final 24. Anyone remember Brenna Gathers? Also, America might have voted Jennifer Hudson off, but it was Simon who kept telling the future Oscar winner that she had the voice, but not the look, to make it big. If they someday have to give classes in the lessons of American Idol, I would say it’s find what’s inside you that’s special and let people see it. Elliott Yamin, Jennifer Hudson, and Clay Aiken all did this to an extent. Furethermore Daniel San, resist the siren call of Simon et al. to manipulate your self-image to fit the show’s idea of what special should look like. It’s my fear for Kellie Pickler, and Katharine McPhee is currently walking that tightrope. Some quick thoughts:Alaina Alexander: Did someone tell her that this show had a Miss Congeniality prize? It was great TV in the way it echoed Melinda Lira two years ago, yet showed another better path. Nick Pedro: Nice guy, nice voice. Sorry he had to go home to 1953.Lakisha Jones: Still good, but why do people do "Midnight Train" as a dance number when it’s also a broken romance song? No hearbreak at all in her version. Simon was also right and Paula was, unusual for her, genuinely funny. The outfit made me think “Wow, didn’t know that Starr Jones could sing.” That’s not a good thing.Sidenote to Ryan: If you’re trying to butch up this year, resist the temptation to tell Simon, “It’s not orange, it’s actually salmon.”AJ Tabaldo and Leslie Hunt: I bet no one ever does Nina Simone again after this. Singing-wise neither one deserved to go, but will anyone care once it gets to the final six? I do have to answer Leslie Hunt’s parting improv. It isn’t scat or jazz singing that America doesn’t like, it’s when you seem to have written out your scat line syllable for syllable. Ryan’s joke didn’t feel completely like a joke. I just felt badly for AJ. Likeable, hard working, talented... all of the things America secretly hates.Sundance Head: Please don’t let there be naked pictures of this guy that find their way onto the Internet! He was better in his genre, but what happens if he makes it to Herman’s Hermits night? Actually, I guess he’ll probably get away with covering his dad’s hit, but any of the other possibilities might be really weird. I won’t comment on the baby pictures.Sanjaya Malakar: You dress up as Michael Jackson then cover Fred Astaire? It felt like a very weird parody of that scene in Young Frankenstein with Peter Boyle doing "Putting on the Ritz". I thought Ryan had a very deft line to soften the edge. “I’m sure your grandfather’s really proud of you.” Sanjaya’s honesty on Thursday is why this guy’s getting votes. “I’m shocked I’m still on the show.” I am too in one sense, but I’m not really. Being likeable on television is a very real talent. Ask Antonella Barba about it.Sabrina Sloan: Each time I think she’s really good, but by Thursday I can’t even tell you what she sang. I have no idea why.Chris Richardson: I guess I’m just too old to get what was so good about "Geek in the Pink". I’m afraid I’m with all those who are asking “Why would you dedicate this song to your grandmother?”Blake Lewis: You remember the wild and crazy guys from Saturday Night Live? I didn’t know they had an outlet store. He can sing. He’s at least interesting and actually contemporary. I hope he sticks around some.Gina Glocksen: At this point, she looks like she’ll be the last white girl still singing. Phil Stacy: I enlisted right after 9/11 to show my patriotism, now I sing in the Navy Band. I know the argument that makes sense of this, but it still made me think about Pat Tillman ( a personal hero of mine) who gave up the NFL to become an Army Ranger then got killed by friendly fire after which the army lied about it. Isn’t appearing on American Idol the exact reverse of the Tillman story? I missed my baby’s birth to go to an audition. I’m now defending my country by being a recruiting device on a reality show that promotes my singing career. You seem like a nice guy, but that’s not going to make me root for you. Fox News meet Fox Network.Stephanie Edwards: My wife said, “You know, most other years, she would win easily.”Chris Sligh: I apologize. I was too tough on this guy last week. He sang well. I liked him playing it straight. He’s clearly smart. Out of ten guys, he’s the only one who got some emotion into his song by tying his dedication to his lyrics. Wife seemed nice too. Geeks all over America are now all power voting for this guy. Think about what might happen if you set geeky looking guys loose on Idol’s voting system. We’re talking technology way beyond Vote for the Worst.In a way, this vindicated Chris Sligh’s strategy for me. He would never have gotten to play it straight had it not been for the schtick. Jared Cotter: When he did the hand over the face move, I was rooting for twenty seconds of Jim Carrey from Mask or Jack Nicholson from Batman. Very nice comeback on the Love Boat thing though, might have kept him in it. When Paula went “blue” with her comments, Corey Clark got half a million hits on his Myspace page and bumper stickers that read "We believe you Corey" appeared in seven cities.Jordin Sparks: Didn’t Ayla Brown do well on this song last year? She seems very likeable.Brandon Rogers: Simon was really funny with “My mum’s birthday is in November…”Is this guy trying out to be a backup singer on this show?Haley Scarnato: How many times have I noticed that the backup singers often sound way better than the soloist? Okay, I understand if you’re a backup singer for a really good singer like Jennifer Warnes, but being a backup on Idol has to be musical purgatory at times. I didn’t think Haley Scarnato was bad at all. For what it's worth, it might even be that the show’s backup singers are that good.Melinda Doolittle: On the subject of backup singers, a lot of people have picked Melinda Doolittle as the early favorite. I really like her too. “My Funny Valentine” was the third time I’ve heard her sing and made a point of rewinding back to hear it again after the show. The modesty thing is currently playing really well, because it really seems to be who she is. That’s why I thought her introducing her vocal coach and stylist as her best friends seemed very risky. I’m just not sure how America will take to making a real professional the winner. There was also the odd subtext of “They’re the Gayle to my Oprah,” given what people whisper about Gayle and Oprah. It’s kind of a measure of Doolittle’s current very high Q factor that all this slipped by. In any case, she could well wind up as LaToya London to Lakisha Jones playing Fantasia (in the fighter from the wrong side of the studio track sense). Anyway, it would be nice to have an American Idol who really is the best singer. Despite all the talk about the men “stepping it up” this week, the inconvenient truth remains that the women this year are a lot better. It’s not an accident that this week featured a billboard-sized shot of Jennifer Hudson looking down from above. She might not have thanked Idol in her acceptance speech, but the show now desperately wants to thank her and persuade America that judges and producers alike had really, really wanted her to win that year. They're doing it by making Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones her surrogates.

TV Review: Amercan Idol 6 -- The Natural Superiority of Women

Chancelucky — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:10:42 EST

You know how Randy and Simon obsess on this business of “We want to see something new and fresh?”Am I the only one who noticed that there was nothing about Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones’s performances Wednesday night that couldn’t come straight out of some Motown review from the sixties? Well, Jones’s song came from the 1979 musical Dreamgirls, but that was Broadway’s attempt to incorporate soul music from the sixties into its palette so Jennifer Holliday’s take on Florence Ballard with “I’m Telling You” is really a sixties song written a decade after the sixties. Here’s just some of the whole convoluted thing with Idol’s love-hate relationship with Jennifer Hudson and how many layers there are in the show's decision to give the very talented Lakisha Jones the anchor spot with that particular song.1. It was a little shot at Hudson who as Idol’s most honored alum who has made it her signature song. Kind of like, hey. look we got someone who might do it as well as Jennifer and this is just the round of 24.2. It was a sort of vindication for Hudson. After Simon badgered her into losing sixty pounds and being the singer whom Elton John singled out for special praise, she loses out to Jasmine Trias and John Stevens. Now, Simon tells Jones who is more endomorphic than Hudson ever was, “Tell the other 23 to pack their bags.”3. They bring in Fantasia, the winner from Hudson’s season, this very same week. Hudson got the part of Effie in Dreamgirls over Fantasia. Now after a mixed start as a recording artist, Barrino is taking a slightly different path by hitting Broadway as Celie in the Color Purple. If I recall correctly, Hudson’s post-idol was talked about as a possibility for the Broadway version of the Lion King. For what it's worth, Fantasia sounded quite good. 4. Diana Ross is going to be a guest coach this year. Dreamgirls essentially tells the story of the Supremes and Barry Gordy’s decision to go with prettier, whiter-looking, singer whom he was sleeping with over bigger-voiced less conventionally attractive Ballard. In the process, Ross became Gordy’s first crossover star and moved the Supremes from “soul” to “pop”. In short, Gordy was the one who taught Simon, Nigel, et al, that whole “better to look good than sound good” thing about American pop music.5. The song’s lyric runs “I’m staying, I’m stayin…” and Fantasia’s song was “I’m here.” Mmmmmm… further conflating things, Lakisha Jones is a single mother. Fantasia is a single mother. No comment on the tattoo above her breast or Fantasia’s weight heading towards Hudson’s.6. There was also an interesting positioning shift. Some were calling Lakisha Jones, “Mandisa 2”, last year’s belter who went from contender who was singing about the Lord to Shania and out in a week. Now, the former bank teller is some cross between Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia. It was either very canny on her part or some smart producer spotted the strategy and nudged her in the right direction. Jones's control of vocal dynamics and on stage choreography are already much stronger than Mandisa's.So, does this mean Simon and crew are going to give on the assumption that you can’t be a big pop music star without looking like a movie star? Given the last photo I saw of Britney Spears as Persis Khambata, I’d say there’s at least one faded pop star who’s decided to agree. Pre-MTV, many popular singers wouldn’t have made it off the bus on MTV’s Dismissed. The whole “look glamorous or no recording contract” thing really took hold in the last fifteen years. Yes, there was Billie Holiday, Elvis, and Lena Horne before that, but Sammy Davis, Janis Joplin, Ella, Mama Cass, and Todd Rundgren all managed to get sizeable followings without conventional looks. In fact, many of the Idols America actually voted for didn’t fit Billy Crystal's "Fernando" mold that the judges always whisper about. Reuben, Fantasia, Clay, and Taylor don’t look like models. Maybe the show is figuring that out. One hint about where the judges stand now is the way they roughed up Antonella Barba for “just looking good.”I have to say that the whole Barba hate thing is a bit weird. You have these Facebook type pictures of her in the bathroom. It’s not the same thing as posing for pictures for a professional photographer or being paid to be a nude model. With cellphone cameras, virtually everyone that age has embarrassing pictures on someone’s hard drive. If you remember, America’s greatest secretary of defense wisely banned cellphone cameras immediately after the Abu Ghraib scandal broke. Unless the photos were of Barba making like Lynndie Englund, I just don’t see anything that Barba did on that count that bother me. That includes anything that might turn up behind the black curtain in your neighborhood video store. In the meantime, that young lady seriously needs better friends.If for whatever reason, Antonella Barba is getting the bad edit from the producers and who knows whether the judges are trying to crush her or engage in reverse psychology, Melinda Doolittle is getting the Glenda edit. They show her crying when we learned that Amy Krebs couldn’t make America love her either. As mentioned above, there’s nothing original about Melinda Doolittle. Lakeesha Jones and the backup singer from Belmont College just happen to be really really good at what they do (at least so far). I kind of like it that way. Besides, was there anything all that original about Carrie Underwood? My take on some of the females:Stephanie Edwards: Saved the season for me. After two hours of amateur singers with scrotums, (okay, I guess this gets me banned from elementary school libraries now, I’m so lucky) I was about to give up on the show if the women were equally dreary. Edwards sang like someone whose record I might actually buy. Nice version of “How Come You Don’t Call Me”. It was also the first of many times that night that it felt like the closeup camera was actually working. The men all seemed like they were just a part of the stage and that all overtones died in the microphone. Several of the ladies had the power to do the Norma Desmond thing with the camera.Amy Krebs: Actually has a nice voice. I won’t miss her necessarily, but one of those contestants who maybe didn’t get a fair shot.Leslie Hunt: They’re keeping her on to break out the lupus story line. They talked about her doing Aretha, but the judges forgot that this was Carole King’s song first and I think she was after the same white girl with a little soulful tinge that King and Laura Nyro staked out way back then. Might explain the go-go boots.Sabrina Sloan: She was really invested in the song. I’m actually not sure I like her actual voice that much, but “I Never Loved a Man” came off as an actual performance compared to all those guys who felt like they were singing the words off the teleprompter. Surprised that they put Aretha covers back to back like that, but it was pretty much an all-Aretha all-the-time format for the evening.Jordin Sparks: Some people have suggested that NFL Daughter might be this year’s chosen one. I thought Tracy Chapman was a very canny choice and she was yet another female who could both sing and perform at the same time. She’s from a long line of teenagers on a show whose M.O. is to build them up as prodigies then tear them down as “not ready”. Most of them have had remarkable poise in some way. I thought Paris did well last year. Jordin Sparks feels even more mature at a personal level. The question is will her singing find the necessary emotional depth. Again Paris came the closest of the Teen Idols and we just haven’t had the time to find out with this one.Nicole Tranquillo: My wife commented that she really appreciated Paula Abdul when Nicole Tranquillo got booted. I have to agree. Paula prides herself in how supportive she tries to be. This was one instance where she did it in the most admirable way possible. I also happen to agree with Paula. Tranquillo was a better singer than almost any of the guys and many of the girls. I still didn’t like listening to her song. There’s hitting the notes at a gymnastic level, but there’s still the matter of phrasing and line. Chaka Khan, not a favorite singer of mine, never meandered like this.Haley Scarnato: I’m wondering if her Idol run is being secretly sponsored by Frederick's of Hollywood or if the wedding singer thought she was auditioning for Miss America. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not a Celine Dion fan. Alaina Alexander: If you’re going to cover the Pretenders, don’t pretend. Based on what I’ve seen so far, she should be checking dates to take the SAT. While Nicole Tranquillo wasn’t necessarily good, Alaina Alexander’s staying is a strong argument that screen time counts for something.Gina Glocksen: If the point of the night was that women of color sing better than their white counterparts, Gina Glocksen was probably the best of the melanin-challenged Idolettes. She seemed really really pleased with herself at the end of the performance. I’m not sure how that’s going to play after Lakisha Jones blew her off the stage. It’s a bit like getting pumped up after hitting a three hundred yard drive and then having Tiger Woods step up and outdrive you by thirty yards with his three wood. It was good. It wasn’t terribly distinctive though and if this was the best she could hope for personally, she’s in trouble in terms of contending for the chance to sing the song America writes for the Idol America chose at the end of the season.I know this is obvious, but this show works better when the music is good. The producers have any number of tricks to maintain at least some interest when the singers just aren't good, but this one had moments I'll likely remember. With Jones, it was towards the end where she was baby-stepping to the edge of the stage and went bug-eyed while dropping the volume and picking up the tempo all at once (hard to do in music imo), at that moment she had direct contact with both live audience and the camera. I was thinking, "Here's someone who knows how to shape her performance both musically and physically."With Doolittle, I was reminded that really great pop singers make you want to dance. It's not because they necessarily move around a lot, it's because they get beyond the business of just being in tune and make harmony, melody, and beat interact. Doolittle's performance might have been old-fashioned, but it was thoroughly professional in that sense. She knew when to accent, when to gesture, and you never wondered if she was going too fast or too slow. As much as I liked Katharine Mcphee's better performances last year, I don't think she's all that close to what these two ladies can do with a song.Mostly, I'm wondering when and how they'll break out the makeovers with both ladies. Doolittle seems to be a little hunched which makes her look at times either like an exaggerated Smokey Robinson or E.T. I actually like it. It gives her a uniqueness that I suspect would grow on me. Jones also doesn't have a Hollywood-issue body. I'm hoping they've learned the Jennifer Hudson lesson here that star quality can come from people who don't look like movie stars. For those who remember Jimmy Cagney, Bogart, Bette Davis, Durante, Pearl Bailey, etc. It's kind of an old-fashioned concept, but it works for me. In those days, they'd take your quirkier physical features and make them your signature instead of grinding them off your face or body.Postscript: Jennifer Hudson won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. She did not mention the show in her acceptance speech.

TV Review/Satire: American Idol 6 -- Homicide with Ryan Seacrest and the Boys

Chancelucky — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 07:47:25 EST

My pal Ryan Seacrest and I met up the other night so he could pick up some chicks. On our way down to the club, there was this guy surrounded by attractive young ladies and I turned to Ryan and said, “Wow, wish I were good looking like that.”Ryan’s eyes went wide and he said, “I wouldn’t know about whether any guy looks good. Besides, you’re a terrible dresser and have no idea how to accessorize.”I tapped Ryan on the shoulder for a moment and he jumped back,”Whoa, no way any dude touches the guy who did Teri Hatcher and Sheryl Crow.”“Sorry Ryan, forgot. By the way, how was your pedicure this afternoon?” Ryan nods “You know, the same old same old. By the way, don’t you think that Simon Cowell is a fashion disaster? I just hate him so much.”I quickly change the subject, “Did you see Gerald Green’s dunk over Nate Robinson last weekend? That was something else.”“Nope, sorry was at the spa, but I sure love Kobe’s hair this year. Very today.”Anyway, I was very excited about going out on the prowl with Ryan again tonight so I could get the inside scoop on the top 24, but Ryan decided to go hang with Ted Haggard this weekend to go shop for power tools and maybe go bear hunting after a little chicken dinner. After that, they’re using the power tools to remodel Ryan’s closet together. Apparently he had too many things to hang up and the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Idol Host refused to help him out - some silly business about principle.So, sadly, I have no Ryan insight on whether Antonella Barba is hotter than Alaina Alexander in person or what he thought of Sabrina Sloan’s see through top. At the same time, I had the same reaction to the men that Ryan appeared to have. Ewwwww!These can’t really be the twelve best male singers they found out of a hundred thousand people who tried out. I mean I’d remember what the best guy sang instead of the fact that Phil Stacy looked like Nosferatu and I wouldn’t be asking things like wow Blake Lewis did a pretty good impression of Sting with that Keane song so he might have been second best.Clearly, the most talked about of the males at this point is Chris Sligh. Let me put this straight out. I don’t like the guy. It’s not his singing which isn’t that bad. It’s not even that he threw the tele-tubbies thing at Simon. It’s him or to be more precise the fact that I’m one of the people who saw his blogs before he made the semis. I don’t have a problem with Chris Slime being Christian and I don’t think Christians have to go around praying all the time. Many of the ones I know are very funny even irreverently so, slightly rebellious, and certainly able to have a good time. Sligh’s blogs revealed that the guy’s moves on the show are very calculated as in “What persona do you think I should put on to get myself on the show?”It struck me that he wants to be famous for its own sake. I imagine at some point after he’s gone a few rounds, he’ll play the spiritual card and likely play it better than Mandisa did last year, but there’s a certain hypocrisy happening here that starts with his set up with Ryan on Thursday night.“I love Simon and I meant absolutely no disrespect with my remark about Il Divo and the Teletubbies?” It’s a flat out lie. He obviously meant to get a reaction. It was part of his plan and if it wasn’t disrespectful, what in the name of anyone’s God was it? Sligh was just doing damage control and he chose the smarmy route, i.e. he was basically Peter denying Jesus when he actually had the opportunity to show some integrity. What kind of convictions does the guy actually have other than a desire to get ahead on the show?Taylor Hicks might have played the Idol game extremely shrewdly, but he seemed to do so because he appeared to be very committed to his music. Kellie Pickler in all likelihood overplayed the bumpkin thing along with the sad back story last year at least partly because she was a better comedienne than she was a singer. Still, there was something ultimately honest and likable about Kellie herself. She was doing it all with a bit of a wink. Chris Sligh is really closer to Richard Hatch, the first winner of Survivor. He’s doing it for the fame/money and it all strikes me as a bit cold-hearted and spiritually empty. If he loves the music, it hasn’t come across so far.I should add that the Bob Jones University connection probably didn’t help. My wife and I aren’t of the same race. I know not every student at Bob Jones University necessarily believes what its trustees believe. They’ve even had major civil rights leaders like George W. Bush and John McCain speak there during the South Carolina primary so it obviously tolerates a greater diversity of opinion than school policy would suggest. If you want to know what I mean, just ask Karl Rove a couple push poll type questions about Senator McCain’s family. I just figure that now that Simon’s laid down the gauntlet to Ryan about “doing the news”, I’d love to see Ryan ask Chris Slime something like,”Well, how do you feel about Jared Cotter or A.J. Tablado’s families,” or “I know you’re very uncomfortable with gay people like my pal Tim Hardaway and me, but could you say a little something about it for America?”Here’s my take on some of the other guys:Rudy Cardenas: Simon treated him like he was Hugo Chavez. At the same time, Simon may have been right. His Free Ride cost him.Paul Kim: He wanted America to forget William Hung and then managed to not even outlast Sway Penala. I was pulling for the Seoul Brother purely out of racial solidarity, but when you start the competition by telling everyone about your gimmick what’s that say about what you think about your own singing? I think he shot himself in his bare foot. By the way, I don’t have HDTV, so when he was doing the sing out, it looked like he was wearing shoes. One other thing. You know those old Asian discos where everyone was maybe two or three years out of style. Why is it that Paul Kim set off that vibe? Oddly enough William Hung did too.Sundance Head: He seemed so tiny behind that giant mike. It even shrank what I thought was a huge though apparently erratic voice. The show seems to be making him a villain of sorts. Vote for the Worst has already claimed him. He started as Taylor 2, but now he’s Scot Savol with weird facial hair. Poor family. Dad got knocked off the charts by the Beatles. Son gets knocked off of TV by A J Tablado and Nick Pedro? I do look forward to next week when Sundance does Electric Light Orchestra.Sanjaya Malakar: Someone’s screwing around here. He wasn’t that bad and actually has a very good voice. Like many others, I’m a bit creeped out by the Michael Jackson vibe he has and worried that he’s just not ready, but I’m not upset at all that he’ll get at least one more chance to finish puberty while on the show.Brandon Rogers: Another guy who can sing, but Michael Jackson? I find this very interesting. Idol has seen competitors try to cover any number of artists who are very good even iconic singers like Whitney Houston, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Aretha (way too often), and even Elvis and Sinatra. Now and then though, someone covers one of those artists well enough to be memorable. Have you ever noticed that no one ever covers Michael Jackson memorably? I suspect that the King of Pop, pre-whatever he started doing to himself, was a much more extraordinary performer than most people think. Anyway, the Idols keep trying and I keep asking “Where’s the charisma?”Chris Richardson: Justin Timberfake.Blake Lewis: Is my choice for the guy who’s playing the game the best so far. I thought he was pretty good with the Keane, but certainly not all that great on its own merits. Everyone was going, “Gee, he doesn’t have to beatbox. Wow.” He was also smart to come off as the first performer who didn’t seem to remember American Bandstand and Where the Action Is. Jared Cotter: When I heard the name I was hoping this might be Jared from the Subway ads. When they brought him out, I was thinking, “Gee, maybe I should eat at Subway every day for the next twelve years,” and my pal Ryan was texting me “Now, that’s my kind of guy. You know, as a buddy, of course.”AJ Tablado: I have to like anyone who tried out five times. I wonder if he had his collar down the first four times? Paula, who spent the last two weeks as a remarkably dignified voice of hope and encouragement after all that speculation, may be right. AJ really has an appealing voice, but I’m not sure what to make of the rest of the package. How many male contestants have been that much shorter than Ryan? Nick Pedro: Likeable guy, but if you look closely at his forehead, there's a big stamp on it that says "semi-final fodder". My guess is that he'll do the crooner thing next and he'll have to be better than good at it to stick around. I'm not talking Harry Connick or Michael Buble good either.Phil Stacy: He’s a dad. He’s an active duty service man. He has pointed ears, looks like a bat at certain angles, and can’t start any song well possibly because he orients with sonar. He came the closest of anyone to sounding like someone who might be in the final 12. How miserable is that? Dawg, man, I don't know. I just don't know. I got to be real here, but if they eliminated all 12 guys next week, I wouldn't miss anyone. Phone home Elliott Yamin... please, phone home.

TV Review: American Idol 6 - Go Back to French, Simon Cowell

Chancelucky — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 16:13:38 EST

Why is it that when anyone asks "Can I be honest with you?" no one ever has the sense to say, "Well, actually, no. This isn't a good time for that in front of sixty million viewers."Instead, we got Paula Abdul telling Ashley, the 17-year-old skating waitress (did she ever get a last name?), that makeup that comes with a free trowel might not be such a good idea. Ashley, who may have recently seen Memoirs of a Geisha, did get off a very witty (though possibly accidentally so) riposte. "I understand, you're just giving motherly advice here."Still, I'm sorry America didn't get to hear the rest of Paula's advice which would have been, "Look at me, cosmetic surgery is far more effective than large quantities of makeup." In addition, there was the terrific theater of Eboni, her pal, appearing to have real talent. Have you ever noticed that whenever there's a pair or group of auditioners that invariably the better or best singer just happens to be the one who goes last? In any case, I believe reality TV works best when the big moments unfold rather than get staged by the producers. An even better case in point was Bruce Banner and his cousin the Hulk, aka Akron Watson and William Green. It was Green who chose to fake "losing it" on his exit from his audience with the judges to punk his cousin and it was a genuinely funny and yet touching moment.Yes, there were all these layers in the sequence. You could see a tenderness in the relationship. Green was there not only to support his cousin who actually could sing some, but rather cannily helped give him a little more personality or at least made him more memorable by contrast. It's too bad that the ultimate reality caught up with Akron Watson and the producers decided to revoke his golden ticket for some reason likely tied to a conviction of some kind. In this instance, it felt like it was the participants doing the staging, not the producers, and the result was much more compelling.In the same show, Ryan Seacrest scored some points with me. You never could figure out exactly what the judges were laughing at, but no matter how poorly Jasmine Holland sang, they were unquestionably being both rude and unprofessional. She was perfectly justified in losing it for a bit. As for the bizarre show outside the double doors, Ryan's ad libs took the edge off just the right amount with "I think we'll have to send Simon back to British..." and "Hey, two of the judges are good friends of mine."I'm not a big fan of Ryan in the elaborate setups, but now and then he's genuinely charming. Oh, where have you gone Brian Dunkleman, a nation sings its lonely voice out for you? Oh, by the way, does it seem strange to anyone else that this week's Paula Abdul appeared so composed and professional? The auditions happened months ago, but last week they stir up the Courtney Love thing and show Paula doing odd things, then the next week Paula's edited to look subdued and coherent.In the meantime, as the show's producers squeezed another two hours of network commercial time out of its auditions, I've been doing finger aerobics as I prepare to vote for Paul Kim. No, it's not because he was necessarily the best singer, though he was at least pretty good. I'm an Asian male too and I want to see William Hung's fifteen minutes of celebrity ended. I figure this Soeul Brother has got a chance to do that. If only I can talk Elvis into helping me with the project. One of the fascinating things about Idol-mania is that there is this whole realm of gnomes who come up with "spoilers" for the online discussion boards. Apparently, there are people who have more or less figured out who the top twenty-four are. You've got to wonder why they do this instead of study, say, the stock market, but it's a fascinating phenomenon. I do wish one of them would put the same energy into maybe solving global warming or ending the war in Iraq, but who am I to tell anyone they're spending too much time thinking about the show?One of the spoilers involves Bailey Brown, the young Texas lady whom Simon called commercial with a capital "C". She looks a bit like Tiffany Rayne, but I'm not supposed to admit to knowing that. I figure that I won't get in trouble because anyone else who sees the resemblance can't call me on it. I do, however, wonder how many young, blonde, attractive country singers from the country America needs? I much prefer seeing people like the woman with the ring in her lower lip, Tammi, the Denver Pedicab driver, who made like she was Bo Bice's sister on "Whipping Post". I can just see them doing a bit with her hauling the judges in her pedi-cab while singing "Bicycle Built for Four" for the cameras.Anyway, next week we go from backstory madness to the soap opera of the Hollywood rounds. Can I be honest for a moment? There's really only about two hours of TV worth watching in all those auditions. I guess I'm Iddicted.

AFC Quarterbacks Continue Super Bowl Dominance

Chancelucky — Wed, 7 Feb 2007 22:25:50 EST

As I watched Peyton Manning finally get to fondle the Vince Lombardi trophy, I asked myself "Gee, when was the last time the NFC won the Super Bowl?"The correct answer is Tampa Bay, five years ago against Rich Gannon and the Raiders. The NFC has won two Super Bowls in ten years. The Rams were the other. Prior to this ten year stretch of AFC dominance, the NFC won 13 Super Bowls in a row. So in a sport that has inter-conference play, a common draft, and common rules, how is it that one conference gets this dominant? Back in the Joe Namath days of Super Bowl III, there was an arguable difference between the two leagues/conferences. The boring answer is that it's just random. Once in a while, you can flip heads 13 times in a row. You might even argue that the run of 8-10 for the AFC is just the law of averages in play over 40 trials. But what if it isn't random?In baseball,the designated hitter is often cited as the source of differences between leagues. What might it be in football? My theory? The NFC has for some reason lost the arms race. Even, if he didn't play his best game Sunday, most everyone acknowledges that Peyton Manning has been an outstanding quarterback for many years. The only question prior to "Slinging in the Rain in Miami" was whether his playoff frustrations made him Fran Tarkenton/Dan Marino great instead of John Elway great. Last year, Ben Roethlisberger was the youngest quarterback to win the Super Bowl. Should he fully recover from his head injuries, it's clear that he has great prospects for sustained stardom. Three of the AFC Super Bowls in the last 10 years were won with Tom Brady who still has a lot of mileage on his two minute clock. I'm not sure though which count is more important the Super Bowl wins (3) or the supermodel girlfriends (2).Consider the quarterbacks for the NFC's winning Super Bowl teams in the last 10 years: Kurt Warner had a run of 3 excellent years, but his hand and career fell by the wayside post-Vermeil. Brad Johnson's career numbers are much better than most people realize, but which phrase fits better for the guy: "Hall of Famer" or "journeyman"?There is one exception among the 8 AFC Super Bowl wins: the Baltimore Ravens won with outstanding defense and Trent Dilfer. Otherwise, the run is Manning, Brady (3), Elway (2), and Roethlisberger.Let's look at who quarterbacked for the NFC in the 8 losses.1) Rex Grossman, 2006 Bears. After two dropped snaps, two interceptions, and tripping over himself for a sack, he's now this generation's Tony Eason, a quarterback whose career was actually wrecked by getting to the Super Bowl too early. Eason had a tough day against one of the best defenses of all time, something every quarterback in the league including Montana had that year. For whatever reason, that was basically the end for him. Through the first 3 quarters, I thought Grossman made some plays. Bottom line though, I saw Terry Bradshaw play and Rex Grossman is no Terry Bradshaw. I'm not even sure he's Jim McMahon.2) Matt Hesselbeck, 2005 Seahawks. Solid quarterback, but no signs of greatness yet.3) Donavan McNabb, 2004 Eagles. Another fine quarterback, but at this point a borderline Hall of Famer, barely. He's closer to John Brodie, Rich Gannon, Randall Cunningham than he is to Plunkett or Jim Kelly.4) Jake Delhomme, 2003 Panthers. Still relatively young, but no one projects him for multiple return trips to the Super Bowl.5) Kurt Warner, 2001 Rams. Great story, great run...but a short run.6) Kerry Collins, 2000 Giants. His name's seen in the NFL dictionary under "mediocre starting quarterback." 7) Chris Chandler, 1998 Falcons. Just like Kerry Collins, only older and more injury-prone.8) Brett Favre, 1997 Packers: The exception that proves the rule.How about this? The AFC's final four quarterbacks this year consisted of Manning, Brady, Rivers, and Steve McNair. Vince Young emerged in his rookie season and nearly got the Titans to the playoffs. Three of the five are probable Hall of Famers. Rivers and Young both appear to have very good shots at great careers. Compare that to this year's NFC final four of Grossman, Garcia, Brees, and Hasselbeck. (Also consider the most discussed young quarterback in the NFC, Eli Manning. You can throw in Alex Smith, Matt Leinart, or Tony Romo if you want, but I have yet to hear anyone project Troy Aikman-type career for any of these field generals.)"Dynasty" teams tend to have a stable combination of starting quarterback and head coach: Montana-Walsh, Belichick-Brady, Noll-Bradshaw, Aikman-Johnson (yes I know about Barry Switzer), and Lombardi-Starr. I don't really know which is cause and which is effect, but when the coach-quarterback partnership shifts, it tends to be much harder to sustain success. Consider the defense-dominant teams that won the Super Bowl, the Bears and the Ravens. Neither team quickly returned to the Super Bowl.It's not an ironclad rule. Two coaches have won Super Bowls with different quarterbacks: Bill Parcells and Joe Gibbs (who actually won three with different QBs). The only quarterback I can find who won or at least played a significant role with two different teams was Earl Morrall, an odd case of a guy who wound up in the right place at the right time (injuries to Unitas and then Griese) more than the charismatic leader who carried two different franchises. I would guess, however, that the dominant conference in these runs will always have more identifiable coach-quarterback pairings than its counterpart.So try this. Name the most stable current quarterback-coach combination in the NFC. It's probably a tie between McNabb-Reid and Holmgren-Hasselbeck. It may not be an accident that those are the two NFC teams that came very close to winning the Super Bowl. The tougher question is name a third longtime pairing of coach and quarterback in the NFC? Now let's try the same thing in the AFC. Dungy-Manning and Brady-Belichick jump right out. There are also emerging pairings with Carson Palmer-Marvin Lewis, Vince Young-Jeff Fisher, Jay Cutler-Mike Shanahan, and Phillip Rivers-Marty Schottenheimer, all "franchise type quarterbacks" with reasonably secure (for now) coaches.It's not like the NFC doesn't know this. Manning, Smith, and Vick were all the first overall pick though somehow none of the three got matched with an offensively-minded head coach. Perhaps the NFC lost the arms race because during its run it had so many such pairings for so long e.g. Aikman-Johnson, Montana-Walsh, Favre-Holmgren. This may have inhibited the development of new franchise pairs. It is worth noting for example that Favre is still going in Green Bay and Hasselbeck had to come to Seattle to get a chance to start. Two possible reasons come to mind. With the exception of Al Davis, think about the more egregious owners in the league. The NFC has meddling ownership in Dallas and Washington, semi-competent ownership in San Francisco, and who knows what was going on in Minnesota. I'm not going to analyze every owner, but my hunch is that if you rated it on a 1-10 scale, the AFC would do a lot better. Note that the most stable owner-coach relationship in all football is in AFC Pittsburgh which is one of three franchises to win five Super Bowls. All five of the 49ers' Super Bowls came with the same owner as well though I don't neccesarily want Eddie D. back for other reasons. Stephen Gould, the late anthropologist, once wrote an article that applied the theory of natural selection to popular phenomena like the extinction of the .400 hitter. Gould argued that the sport had forced the extinction of the truly bad pitchers and fielders. The very best hitters might have been equally good, but without the bottom feeder pitchers it became harder for the very best players to fatten their averages. In the NFL, my guess is that bad ownership prevents natural selection from doing its thing. Weaker NFC ownership may have both left weaker teams in the conference and prevented effective coach-quarterback partnerships from forming. It certainly disrupted the relatively successful pair of Garcia-Mariucci. As a sidebar, there were two cases in which a prima donna wide receiver was allowed to emerge as the face of the franchise-Terrell Owens in San Francisco-Philadelphia-Dallas and Randy Moss in Minnesota. It wasn't healthy in any of those cities and arguably affected coach-quarterback partnerships in each one.Second, I think part of the fallout from the 13 years of NFC dominance a decade ago was that some NFC franchises simply got out of the habit of developing successful coach-QB partnerships. The reasons have been different, but the last decade of NFC QB-coach marriages has been telling. Just start with Daunte Culpepper and Joey Harrington. Even more worrisome, the NFC already has red flags going up around its better young quarterbacks. Alex Smith may be on his 3rd offensive coordinator in 3 years. Michael Vick and Jim Mora didn't stay together. Coughlin's relationship with Manning almost got him fired. Dennis Green was fired in Arizona before he could have a second season with Leinart. I'd argue that the most promising NFC marriage is Sean Payton (former QB coach) and Drew Brees (AFC reject). If my theory of QB-coach marriages being the key to Super Bowl dominance is right, then the NFC is going to be suffering for at least three more years.