Blogcritics Author: Casey Criswell

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Movie Review: Captivity

Casey Criswell — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 22:59:02 EDT

A young supermodel has been roofied and kidnapped! Held in an apparently underground bunker, the young model whines a lot and caters to the secretive man that keeps slipping her mickeys and changing her clothes while she is passed out. Soon she realizes there is someone being held captive next door; they quickly bond and she falls to reciting her erotic fan fiction out loud every time the scene becomes to much for her. Movie plods on predictably, she screams a lot, people fight, and at least there were captives to make the movie live up to its title. In case you couldn't tell by my summary, I walked away from Captivity with a bit of anger, a slight loss of intelligence, and an ever faint looseness in my bowels. Granted I didn't have much in the way of hopes going into this one. It stars Elisha Cuthbert, whose last screamer outing was the rather lackluster House of Wax, but you'd still hope that in this day and age they would make a horror/thriller at least remotely entertaining. During the opening credits, we watch the killer watching his videotapes of Ms. Cuthbert as he prepares a death trap for his current victim. Involving papier-mâché and battery acid, I was somewhat impressed at this guy's chutzpah and hoped for the best with the remainder of the flick. As it rolled on however and we're introduced to Cuthbert's highly unbelievable screams of terror and glimpses of model ingenuity trying to escape her new prison, that impression rolls into mild boredom as she whines as predicted, her stalker reacts as predicted, and there's really nothing new and exciting as it rolls along. Really, that's the entire problem here: predictability. Not one to toot my own horn, someone who knows me may well remember that I made my prediction on the identity of the killer from the very first airing of the trailer. When the movie started to roll and there was nothing apparent to change my point of view, it was quite clear that they were going to let this roll on as obviously as it seemed. This is a theme we've all seen before, and they did little to nothing to tweak said formula to make it stand out from its predecessors. Sure it's got a slick set and modern aesthetics, but these changes do not a good movie make. Beyond that, there is nothing in the way of character development aside from the opening credits showing Cuthbert's talking head interviews from her modeling career, and the back of the killer's head as he works away on his scrapbook to commemorate the captivity of this blond bombshell. Torture and kidnapping flicks generally work out much better if you feel some scrap of emotional attachment to the characters. In Captivity, you really don't give a shit what happens to this girl. All we see of her are vapid and snobbish remarks like we'd see in a Paris Hilton interview, and would any of us care if she got kidnapped and locked in a basement? I highly doubt it. When you mix in a couple of cops who are trying their hardest to portray the most stereotypical New York cops imaginable trying to lead us along to the eventual identity of her captor, they fall on deaf ears since they telegraphed who the killer was going to be in the first fifteen minutes of the flick. So why bother? I didn't; their scenes provided an opportunity to go forage for munchies. I will say this outright: save your $8 and give Captivity a pass. When you leave the theater sleepy and groggy, you really don't need to add the humiliation of letting yourself be sucked into losing your hard-earned cash. Some people may be inclined to go to see Cuthbert on the big screen, but you can find what you need on the Internet. Her performance here is lacking at best and really all she boils down to is a somewhat pretty face. 1 predictable predicament out of 5

Falling in love with bad horror films at a very young age, Casey Criswell strives to bring back the classics in today's modern age of horror remakes. Armed with nothing but a DVD player and keyboard, he charges into battle with his mighty battle cry of "I watch crap, so you don't have to!" Casey runs his film blog, dedicated to reliving the finest in horror, science fiction, and the obscure at Cinema Fromage.

B-Movie Celebration Comes to Franklin, Indiana, August 17-19

Casey Criswell — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 07:44:16 EDT

A few weeks back while surfing about I stumbled across something that quite frankly got me overexcited and a bit verklempt. As some of you may have guessed, Indiana and horror fandom really aren't synonymous. Sure, we have our fair share of horror nerds about, but seldom is there much done in the way of film fests, conventions, and overall community. So, imagine my excitement when I discovered the B Movie Celebration being put together by Indy Film Co-op.What exactly is the B Movie Celebration? Well at first glance, this appears to be a Hoosier film fest of epic proportions. Fan of old school horror flicks? A fan of camp and cheese? A fan of black and white science fiction flair? Then feast your eyes on some of the films to be shown in this three day event: The Bride of FrankensteinDawn of the DeadThe Day the Earth Stood StillDeath Race 2000Evil DeadFaster Pussycat Kill! Kill!And that's just a handful of what will be shown throughout the weekend. All told, there are well over 30 to 40 films to be shown over three days and in four theaters in Franklin, Indiana. Sure, some of you readers in the bigger cities out there may look at this and think it may not be so exciting. Access to festivals such as this are typically far more common in your bigger cities. But for central Indiana, a film festival of this size is an epic undertaking in and of itself. To make it harder on themselves, they've dedicated it to a genre that is often scoffed at and avoided, especially in the land of corn and Republicans who make up a good chunk of this sometimes backwards state. Not only is there a slate of great movies in store for the weekend, there are some events lined up as well that makes the film geek and aspiring screenwriter (such as myself) sit up and take notice. Writers Roundtable - Ron Aberdeen, Carl Salminen, and Jim O'RearMake You're Own Damn Movie - A class for budding film makers taught by Troma Studios' legendary Lloyd KaufmanOne on One - with Tom SaviniAnd much, much more. As you can see, for the B-movie fan that happens to live in or around Indiana, this is a film festival to take note of. I myself plan on attempting to make as many showings as budget allows, and maybe if I'm lucky hitting up a class or two as well. I just hope I can contain my fanboy-ism in the presence of Tom Savini. Then again, if I couldn't, could you really blame me? For a complete listing of films and events throughout the weekend, be sure to visit the festival's website. With any luck you'll catch me there. I'll be the one with the trash bag full of popcorn and the idiot grin.

Irreconcilable Differences: Mustang Sally

Casey Criswell — Tue, 5 Jun 2007 13:55:32 EDT

Well, it's been awhile, but the Mrs. and myself finally got around to sitting down and watching another flick together. This time around we take a look at E.G. Daily (of Tommy Pickles and Pee Wee Herman fame) as she jumps into the reins of a madame hell-bent on revenge. Does it work? Read on to find out! She said: So my husband messages me and tells me he has a new movie for us to watch. Mustang Sally is the name, starring one of my favorite B-movie queens E.G. Daily (yeah, Tommy Pickles, also in Valley Girl and Pee Wee's Big Adventure). He tells me she plays a prostitute who kills her clients. Okay, interesting idea... however there is more to it, or rather they meant to have more to it than that. One thing I will start off saying is that the movie was not that bad. I enjoyed it. Got a lot of chuckles out of the writing. However the story is a tad confusing at times and unfortunately, too obvious at others. Our writer, director, and cameo actor Iren Koster had some great ideas on this movie. However he let too many things slip which ruined what could have been a great twist. There were no misdirections, there were no red herrings, there were no big shocks at all as far as the story line went. When major plot information came out, it just spurted all at once (pun intended) and came at you so fast that you almost couldn't digest it, then once you did it was like -- well now what are we going to do with the second half of this movie? The young men visiting the bordello are sent in on what is an obvious set-up. Three bikers enter a bar and talk the place up within ear-shot of the boys. The characters were very stereotypical. We had our jock who carried a football around like a security blanket, we had our goofy little comedy relief (and I am sorry, the boy needs some acting classes, his deliveries were way off), we had our rich boy, our sensitive guy -- you name it, they were there, but only on the surface. No depth to them, nothing. The prostitutes were the same way. It was all very cut-and-paste, and not a lot of information on where Sally met these women. We had characters show up that made neither real sense nor helped to really further along the plot line, such as the sheriff. We got too much information on Sally; we didn't get enough information on the boys' fathers who actually committed the crime against Sally. The ending was confusing on how our main boy got into the hospital in the first place. And had we not been given the information on who Sally was, well the ending would have been a great shocker. The gore and the deaths were pretty damn creative for the most part. I got a kick out of that. The acting was below par, mood swings happened that made no sense, deliveries were pretty weak, but the writing was good. Very funny stuff throughout. Nudity, for those of you who care -- not so much, considering the theme. 2 boot lickings out of 5.He said: So, for starters I must be honest. My original draw here was for E.G. Daily dressing up as a prostitute. Just so you all know what expectations I had going into this. That said, I was pleased with what I got! Outside of general eye candy, I still remained somewhat pleased with this low budget extravaganza despite the issues contained within. Plot descriptions on IMDb lead one to believe that Mustang Sally could be the tale of some evil prostitutes doing evil for evil’s sake. Once we dig down to the meat and potatoes, that’s not the case at all. What we have here is a pure and simple revenge fantasy al la I Spit on Your Grave without the gritty realism of said flick. More along the lines of Pumpkinhead 2 sans the big-headed revenge demon, the story here is near identical. Where the two flicks differ however is this time around, they give too much story too early, leaving us with little to no fat to chew on in between. Revealing the hooker motive early on, there’s little to no mystery involved. But, when you’re watching scantily clad women murder all of the stereotyped clichés that you loathed in high school, how much mystery do you really need? Mustang Sally, in the end, is just a good time; mindless watching with nothing to figure out, nothing to concentrate on. The acting throughout is mediocre at best and cringe-worthy at worst, but it all adds up to B-movie fare that will make you giggle a fair bit throughout. And did I mention the scantily clad women? Those are always nice too. You know what’s going to happen; you know how it’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of what order they are going to fall. With the bookend scenes of the main emo boy in the hospital going over his story, the beginning works as a good setup for the tale; when we go full circle to the point he is in the hospital, we never really find out how. As confusion sets in, the twist unfolds and all becomes clear. While this was a nice twist it was handled in the muddiest and most confusing manner possible, making this go from a "holy shit!" twist to a "eh, figured that’s where they were going" in about two seconds flat. So if you think you’d like to see E.G. Daily in stripper shoes, this is your flick. If you’d like to watch prostitutes dressed as laughable stereotypes laying waste to annoying teenage boys, fire it up. If you’re looking for an engrossing tale filled with twists and turns and edge of your seat tension -- better head back to Blockbuster. 2.5 scantily clad stabbers out of 5.

Movie Review: 28 Weeks Later

Casey Criswell — Wed, 30 May 2007 07:25:17 EDT

In 2002 we watched in wide-eyed horror as the UK disappeared under the shambling mass of the infected and Cillian Murphy fought his way free in 28 Days Later. At the time, this was a pretty fresh take on the zombie theme and one man's gambit in waking up in the middle of said nightmare. It's now 2007 and with the release of 28 Weeks Later we get to watch as the US-led NATO forces begin to take back the city and repopulate London section by section. As the title implies, 28 weeks have passed since the outbreak of the virus in the first film. All of the infected have died off from the natural progression of the virus and the NATO forces begin to clean out the corpses and debris left behind in modern day London. With safe sectors and high military presence, every precaution is taken against a second coming of the infected holocaust. As we watch the reunion of long separated father (the ever awesome Robert Carlyle) and his children, we get an up close look of a trauma-torn family getting back together and resuming a normal life after the loss of their mother. Soon there is a slip-up in security and all hell breaks loose once again, this time in the confines of a locked down London, with little or no possibility of escape. As a big fan of the original I was indeed quite pumped up to see the sequel, especially since it had an entirely new cast as well as a different angle and time line. With the trailers promising a tale of more infected fuckery and the plight of a father attempting escape with his two beloved children, I pretty much expected the sappy side of the story with the over-dramatic plight of dad and kids, and the usual heartbreaking scene where the dad turns into a baddie just moments before their escape, forcing the kiddos to leave dad behind as he sacrifices himself for their safety. So heading in I was a bit apprehensive; this is pretty cliché territory as far as plot turns go, but I still had hopes because it had a flock of zombie-like goons tearing up London, and it had Robert Carlyle. Can't be all bad right? Much to my surprise as the move clicked along; I found out at about the thirty minute mark that the trailers were in fact heavily misleading. It was then that I realized that they were going nowhere near the sappy territory I expected and it was also then that I realized, "this is going to be a pretty damn good flick!"Where 28 Days gave us a view of the apocalypse from a lone man's view, 28 Weeks fleshes out of the story line. It would appear that the outbreak was contained mostly to the UK, leaving the rest of the world untouched. This time around we are given a military point of view, and an armed response to rebuilding after the initial outbreak. Throughout the flick there are many comparisons that can be made between the "war" being fought in the film, and the way wars are handled in real life -- how things can spiral quickly out of control under the guise of aid, the cold handling of and response to rebuilding efforts, etc. Luckily the socio-political commentary is not something that flows as thick as syrup here, but it's there and helps to connect the viewer to the story just that wee bit more. Moving on, we are shown how the cold, hard "kill 'em all!" ethos of a military state can be what's needed, as human compassion could further escalate problems. Seems harsh, looks harsh, but with a virus that spreads with a single drop of blood, sometimes the only thing you can do is sever and start over. This angle in itself makes you feel both sympathetic for the hundreds being shot down in the street, yet you can see the cold hard reality that what needs to be done needs to be done. With all the heady talk out of the way, we get to the nuts and bolts of 28 Weeks, which is your basic zombie theme even though our bad guys aren't technically zombies. (Nerd alert: These folks are "infected", they never "died"!) With taut sequences of zombie massacre, we get a pretty gooey blood bath throughout the streets of London. With scenes of a flock of infected being cut down by chopper blades, and the streets of London being fire-bombed to clear out the stampeding horde, 28 Weeks bridges into a fun action flick as well. The aerial shots of streets full of napalm were quite well done, and quite enjoyable from a man's "Woo! Shit blows up!" perspective. The writing stands out as well here. Managing to flesh out the story of the original flick without rehashing the first story completely, we get a wholly new story in the series' universe. Feeling like the next logical step in the franchise, they still manage to touch back on a few elements of the first flick to tie them together. The first ten minutes revisits the plight of Robert Carlyle and his wife at the end of the first epidemic. This scene in itself goes leaps and bounds to set some of the tone for the rest of the flick as well as proving to us that the trailers have been highly misleading (which is a good thing). While the writing was quite good throughout, my one issue with the movie came from the writing at the very end of the flick. It was apparent that they were setting up for a third movie for the series -- however the final product (that being the final five minutes of the flick) felt muddy and somewhat confused. It was apparent what had happened and what was happening, however it felt disjointed and a bit obscure. As it was the final five minutes, I honestly didn't care because the ride up until this point was so fun that it really didn't matter. So, aside from a slight stumble at the end, 28 Weeks Later is a worthy sequel and an enjoyable horror flick in its own right. The movie has its naysayers out there, but what movie doesn't? For my money, throwing real world military tactics into a zombie plot, some high-end explosives, snipers, and general chaos to make this zombie feature tied closer to a real world epidemic as to a fantasy viewpoint seen normal makes this one all the more engaging. Corpses rising from the dead, chasing around nubile blondes for a light snack? Its fun to watch, but it's not going to happen. Bio-chemical mishaps creating vicious monsters out of your neighbors, spreading like wildfire across an entire country? Still a pretty "out there" idea, but far more plausible in today's age of chemical warfare and viral infections. This twist of realism will make the 28 Days Later shake in your boots a little more than others.And aside from all that? This flick made me jump at least three different times! When I jump, you know it's pretty darn good.4.5 napalm street sweepers out of 5.

Movie Review: 976-EVIL

Casey Criswell — Fri, 25 May 2007 07:31:19 EDT

We all know Robert Englund from his stint as the five-fingered frightmonger of our dreams (and yes, the First Lady of Fright's dreams, don't ask), but how many of you remember his first (and at the time only) foray into feature length film? I'd have to imagine that there are a great many of you out there that remember the work but not the maker, as it caught me by surprise as well when his name popped up on the opening credits! Spike (Patrick O'Bryan) is a bad boy; Harley, pony tail, beer drinking, smoking, the works. Spike lives next door to his cousin Hoax (Stephen Geoffrys -- everybody mutter with me now "Ooh, that guy from Fright Night! Who, uh... went on to do a whole lot of gay porn evidently!"), the mild-mannered and nerdy boy who everybody loves to pick on. Hoax's mom is a bible-beating woman who cannot comprehend what has led Spike to his depraved ways while she sits on his family inheritence, spending it as she sees fit until Spike turns 18. Spike also has a gambling problem and he's a bit down on his luck. Fed up with his harpy of an aunt and his bumbling cousin Hoax constantly harshing his gig, he's feeling pretty down and out of sorts. While flipping through a magazine one night he finds a card advertising free 'Horrorscopes' of the 1-800 variety. Figuring what the heck, he decides to give the hotline a call and see what it's all about. Generic horroscopes spew out, he shrugs, Spike continues on as usual. Figuring it was mindless fun, Spike continues to call day after day until one night, the hotline tries to get him to steal a pair of biker gloves. Deciding he wasn't quite the thug he thought he was, he opts out on the shoplifting. When the hotline calls him back urging him on and eventually attempting to kill him with a runaway Camaro, he starts to think something's up. Cue Hoax. Hoax is watching Spike and his awfully cute Cindi Lauper-inspired girlfriend (Lezlie Dean) going at it through his telescope. When Spike and Awfully Cute head out to the local cineplex, Hoax decides to plunder the room for any leftover treasures. (He saw London, he saw France, he found Suzie's underpants!) While digging through the room Hoax finds the advertisement for the hotline and gives it a call himself. Promising him the girl of his dreams if he went to the late show, Hoax sets off in search of true love. When said true love turns out to be Suzie, who first befriends the awkward boy and soon finds him packing her panties in his back pocket, she embarrasses him in public and runs away. Distraught and angry, Hoax calls the hotline once more for tips and soon sets off for his first kill as guided by the deeply evil sounding Mark Dark (Robert Picardo!) who runs the hotline. From this point on Hoax begins to lead a life of demonic evil as he becomes more and more eeeevil every time he contacts the eeeeeevil hotline. EVIL!Phew. So that's it in a nutshell; a computerized 1-800 call line possesses its callers in an attempt to wreak havoc on the mortal plane. Sure this isn't your typical horror movie slant, but really, that's what makes it worth watching. It's different. In the days of masked mongoloids killing naked co-eds, burned nerds slaying people in their sleep, and countless other generic slasher icons, 976-Evil tweaks the formula just enough to keep it interesting. There are some other plot points that help tweak your gourd as well. As we watch the first thirty to forty minutes as Hoax is belittled and bullied by his own family, thugs at school, chicks, you start to feel a little sorry for the guy. As he gains a bit of power and backbone from his Horror Hotline, you start to feel for the man as he gets his vindication and revenge. Just as you smile a little as he beats the hell out of the punks threatening him in the school bathroom, he quickly turns the corner to full-blooded beast and soon our little roller coaster ride of emotional attachment has gone full circle. Aside from these little touches, the story in itself is pretty straightforward and standard. What helps to make this fun is our connection with Hoax's character, and the fun makeup and gore work once the mayhem gets rolling. Stephen Geoffrys, while not in a lot of horror flicks, (gay porn, another story -- per IMDb, not first-hand experience) always manages to turn in a standout B-movie performance. You may not know his name, but I guarantee you'll recognize his face. Hamming it up with the best of them as he turns into his full demonic form, soon you will begin to grin as the cheesy one-liners begin to come forth. So, horror fans of my generation and older should remember this little nugget, and hopefully you'll be intrigued enough to make a return visit. Its campy original story makes for something different while still managing to provide the slasher staples we all know and love. This ain't Masterpiece Theatre but it's not Ed Wood either. 3.5 mouth breathing monsters out of 5.

Irreconcilable Differences: See No Evil

Casey Criswell — Wed, 2 May 2007 22:31:40 EDT

It's been a while, but TV time gets cut come springtime it seems. But, fighting through that urge to play outside, the Mrs. and myself have finally managed to take a look at yet another stinker to share with you all. This week's feature takes a look at the WWE films and their latest product of misaligned intentions.She said:Over the years many wrestlers have stepped out of the ring to take a shot at the big screen. The Rock, Hulk Hogan, Goldberg, Triple H, Edge, and my personal favorite, Andre the Giant. Now we see Kane. Now let me start off by saying I have been a Kane fan, well sort of, since back when he wore a mask and didn't talk and did the whole boogieman sitting up thing like Mike Meyers or Jason Vorheese in his act. He seemed so intimidating and well, I always got a kick out of that. Of course this was back when WWE was WWF and had the whole storyline thing going. I always enjoyed that. It was my soap opera, along with Dark Shadows and Prisoner of Cell Block H. Anyways I digress. Tonight we watched See No Evil. I had heard tales of how bad this movie was, but I had to see it for myself. In all actuality it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, not saying it was stellar or anything, but it had somewhat of an interesting idea behind it, albeit with an obvious twist to it. Our story opens when two cops track down a guy who has been abducting people and removing the eyes. One cop is killed while the other loses a hand. We get a little bit of a story, but not much and the we are immediately teleported to four years later where our one-handed cop has now started working with troubled teens. They have set up a new community service program for young felons. As they introduce our young mischief-makers-in-training we are treated with little mug shots indicating what they are in for. My thought on it was hey cool, they will somehow use these talents to further the plot! I was sadly mistaken. The "teens" (and I use that term loosely because some of them were really showing their age as late 20-somethings), though incarcerated, brought with them the luxuries of life including iPods, cell phones, street clothes, and lock picking tools. How nice of the prison authorities to allow them so much! They are taken to an old run down hotel that they are supposed to help fix up to turn into a homeless shelter. The hotel, we are told, has secret passages and two-way mirrors and all sorts of fun stuff including a secret safe that no one has been able to find. Okay, so this movie could have been really cool. It had all the thoughts and ideas that could have made it neat... unfortunately that was where it stopped. The casting was horrible, the thin story lines, the fact that only two of the people actually used their "talents" that we were shown at the beginning of the movie, and the bad camera shots just made the whole thing a bit sad. That and Kane, who as I mentioned before I like, looked a little like Meatloaf. (Who I should also mention I like as well, but it just didn't work for me). Only a couple of times he came off as menacing, the rest of the time he seemed more like Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. As I mentioned the camera shots were not that great. A lot of the time it seemed they were using handhelds instead of steady cams. This only made the move seem low budgeted. Special effects wise, they did alright. Some of the gore make-up though looked like, well, make-up. There were some creative deaths; the cell phone down the throat was really nicely done. Other than that, most of it seemed a bit quick. A lot of the death scenes came unprovoked and too fast. There was no build up, no shock, no thrill, nothing. Just boom, he's dead, boom, she's dead. No real chance to get to the edge of your seat. With most of the characters you didn't get a chance to really give a shit if they lived or died. You see, that is what makes a movie scary. If you actually get a little bit of an emotional investment in the character, you hope that they live, or you hate them enough that you just hope they die for principle's sake. With these characters, it seemed they tried, but didn't pull it off. So, Vince McMahon, if you read this, you may want to stick to the wrestling circuit. You failed with football and movies just don't seem to be your thing either. Two eyeballs in a jar out of five.He said:Ah yes, WWE pictures. When you can’t get Hollywood to pick up any of your top talent, create your own film studio! As the First Lady mentioned, there’s been a lot of pro wrestlers try to make the jump to Hollywood, most with mixed results. There are a few that stand out from the others, of course. Rowdy Roddy Piper graced us with some classics such as They Live and Hell Comes to Frogtown. Jesse “The Body” Ventura even showed us some kick ass action flick chops in classics such as Predator and The Running Man. As of late the WWE to Hollywood turnover has trickled down to a bare minimum. The Rock, my own personal choice for the next Arnie/Action Movie Star, is a rare commodity in that he can actually act, and he’s pretty damn funny as well. (Don’t believe me? See Be Cool.) So when they decide to take a stab at a WWE horror flick, it would seem like a natural move to take their storied boogie man Kane and turn him into a monster. He’s always played a monster, should be a natural change over. Unfortunately they fell far short of that. Keep in mind I am in no way placing the blame for this stinker on the shoulders of Kane. As far as we know, he may make a fabulous horror movie monster. He’s got the build and the looks for it. Unfortunately for him, he has so little to work with we never get to see his full potential come to light. Stomping about in simple minded obsession we see little more than various looks of constipation upon his face, and many eyeballs plucked out here in there. That’s really all they ever use him for. Sure the low action/zero facial expressions worked well for Mike Myers stalking Laurie Strode but there was a major difference there -- they had John Carpenter writing for them. Moving on, if you want to place blame somewhere you’re best served looking in the writing department first. Filled with holes and little to no tension, See No Evil jumps about randomly, leaving us wondering just what the hell the connection is between the homeless shelter and the house shown four years earlier at the beginning of the film. While we never do receive a direct explanation for this, we’re given brief flashes of his past and childhood that resulted in this maniacal killer standing before us. Thankfully they did flesh out this angle a bit, keeping us from a total case of blue balls. Where the biggest failure lies, however, is in the lack of tension. Not ten minutes into the film, our baddie starts cutting down victims left and right. No scary music to foreshadow it, no real exposition that this person did something to deserve to die, no hint that he’s going to die. Boom, dead, on to the next one. While I do tend to get frustrated with slasher flicks that drone on endlessly before getting down to the good and gory stuff, I still expect be given a bit of tension. That’s what makes it scary.If the writing isn’t bad enough, the rest of the cast working around Mr. Kane is downright uninteresting, to say the least. With wooden delivery and a general lack of enthusiasm, our acting starts to descend to the B-movie sub-cellar, surpassing even the most mediocre Sci-Fi channel originals. While the latter tend to go overboard, at least they have some emotion. In See No Evil it would seem that most of the secondary cast is entirely focused on portraying their stereotype, forgetting to factor in anything else that might make a character. Generally I would start to root for the killer at this point in hopes of him dispatching the annoying being perched before me, but this time around I began rooting for the clock in anticipation of the end credits rolling. I found no redeeming qualities in See No Evil and unfortunately for Mr. Kane, I feel somewhat dumber having watched it. While a couple of the kills were indeed unique and relatively enjoyable, they’re mired so deep into the dung heap it’s the equivalent of finding a turd with corn as opposed to one with no corn. I stopped caring around the fifteen minute mark. Professional wrestling has better writing than this. Mr. Kane, I hope you get a second shot; I really would like to see you take a shot at a real monster. One maniacal killer out of five.

Movie Review: Roman

Casey Criswell — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 22:23:16 EDT

Way back when in 2002, director Lucky McKee brought the creepy little tale of May. Starring Angela Bettis, May was a tale of loneliness and desperation as May reached out to try and make a friend out of anybody who would listen. The result was a fabulous psychological thriller that left the viewer a bit unnerved and thoroughly creeped by the end. In 2006, Mckee and Bettis have reunited for the flick Roman, but this time around they've switched roles. Directed by Bettis and starring McKee, Roman is another tale of loneliness. This time around we see loneliness and desperation from the male's point of view with a different result. McKee plays Roman, a factory worker who is painfully alone. It's not that he's not interested in other people or the fairer sex. Quite the opposite actually. Every day Roman returns home from work and watches forlornly out of his window for the arrival of his neighbor (Yay! Kristen Bell). Feigning an excuse to head to the mailbox, Roman places himself daily in close proximity to his neighbor in hopes she might notice him, yet he lacks the social skills to approach her or to even say hello. One day all that changes and she does happen to take notice. Soon Roman is basking in the attention of the lovely girl next door and his hopes begin to grow for something more. Thinking all is well, Roman makes his move until something goes terribly wrong. Seeing as this movie is helmed by the same creative forces, it is hard not to review this one without drawing comparisons. They are very similar in scope, differing only in the driver behind the wheel. Looking at the two films in this light I'll flat out say Roman is not as good as May. The first film was something shocking and new at the time backed by relatively unknown staff. We go into Roman with preconceived notions about what to expect and in that light the outcome is somewhat diminished as you are awaiting something far more shocking to out-do the first. That is not to say this isn't a good flick however. It's just different. Where May's traumatized childhood left her a shy and untrusting shell, Roman comes to us with no background whatsoever. Where the first example shows us how and why our main character became the troubled soul she was, we do not have that with Roman. Roman appears to us seemingly out of nowhere. Faced with a man who is just downright disturbed with no reasoning as to how he became this way, we the viewer are forced to watch a man who is plain and simply broken. Why is he so awkward? How did he come to become so obsessed with this woman? We simply don't know and this is the factor that makes this flick that much more disturbing. At first appearance Roman is a fairly normal young man who looks like everyone else, he just likes to keep to himself. It's not until you find him locked alone in his apartment that he begins to make you squirm. How many people on the street that are just like this do you pass on a daily basis?This factor is what makes Roman a good flick. This man is disturbed and he radiates this fact. It's not about the jump scares; it's not about fast-paced music video cuts. It's all about the slow boil and making you squirm in your seat, and at this they succeed. When we finished viewing the flick I was a bit put off. Parts were slow and dragging, some just outright repetitive. In hindsight, after it had time to sink in, it became apparent that they accomplished exactly what they set out to do, showcasing the life of a man sinking into insanity. Looking back in that light and the fact that it still creeps me out two weeks later means a job well done. Kudos to Bettis and McKee for doing it all over again. 3.5 loving psychopaths out of 5.

Movie Review: The Omega Man

Casey Criswell — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 19:31:57 EDT

Robert Neville (Chuck Heston) was a military scientist. After a mysterious biological attack on the US he is put on the case to find a cure. When fleeing one day he begins to succumb to the disease and injects himself with his experimental antidote. Lucky for him it worked. Unlucky for us he found out to late. This turn events made Neville the last man on Earth. He’s not entirely alone however. Haunting his day to day solitary existence is a group known as ‘The Family’. Being forced to a nocturnal lifestyle as well as a psychopathic bent, the family isn’t truly human anymore and strives to burn the old ways of life and create a new one, as they become further deformed due to the results of germ warfare. Combining the manliness of Charlton Heston with a post apocalyptic world with nothing but him and a handful of ghouls is an exciting prospect for fans of science fiction. Seeing how well he handled the genre in Planet of the Apes it’s easy for one to have high expectations for his return to the genre. Machine guns, pillaging and looting, and generally whatever the hell he feels like is the game of the day. Made in 1971, the world was always in a varying state of panic over one doomsday theory or another. Nuclear war, germ warfare, all were a vague possibility in that era making The Omega Man chill straight to the core. In 1971 at any rate. Not an original tale by any sorts, The Omega Man is based on the Richard Matheson novel I am Legend. Portrayed once before by Vincent Price in The Last Man on Earth and soon once again by Will Smith in I am Legend, Omega Man manages to separate itself from the pack a bit by giving voice to ‘The Family’ as well as adding a touch of blaxploitation to spice things up. Where the original and new films were pitted against vampire hold-overs from the human race, Robert Neville this time around faces off against a group of madman that are slowly dying off themselves. When Neville finds a hidden group of survivors not yet turned to the dark side, our movie splits into two opposing sides. One who strives to make things as they once were: living off the land and making the best of what they’ve got; and one attempting to eradicate the traces of their former lives believing technological advancement to be the downfall of man. When you add in Rosalind Cash with her touches of black power looks and carrying herself as a woman of strength, with her interracial love affair with the lonely Robert Neville, Omega Man takes on yet another sociological aspect. Despite being called ‘science fiction’ it’s a flick that gives you some issues to think upon and that might make you take a look at the world around you. Getting past the philosophical there’s an angle to this flick that screams out to the inner boy child in all of us. Harkening back to the days of old, out playing war with your tree-twig machine gun, we’re watching a movie about a man and his gun. (It’s Heston, what’d you figure?) One man against a world full of nasties, one man with no rules to abide by, no boundaries, nothing to do all day long aside from whatever the hell you want. I’d be willing to bet that the majority of you out there have day-dreamed a similar situation when you were a wee tyke and The Omega Man plays upon these fond memories adding to our enjoyment even further. To further this thought, the star of those day dreams always being your self, you’re now watching said daydreams starring Charlton Heston. Sure he was starting to gray and growing that old man chest, but he was Chuck Heston and he was all machismo. When you’re playing good guys and bad guys it’s hard to picture yourself much manlier than that. The performances throughout were all top notch and helped to pull you in to the ongoing plight of the last man on earth. The sexiness touched with danger of Rosalind Cash, the boyish hope and exuberance of Paul Koslo, the often chilling rants and psychosis of Anthony Zerbe, all pull together to make the entire package enthralling and thought provoking. Even the writing is well done as we first feel the loneliness and isolation of Neville, forced to talk to a statue just so he has some one to talk to. His excitement at finding other humans not fallen to the ways of the family. The fear and excitement of Neville being caught by these monsters and the mystery of what they were going to do him. The list goes on but trust me when I say it’s worth the watch. The Omega Man is an old school post-apocalyptic flick done right. Stemming from the seventies, it worked well to play upon the fears of world around at the time giving its viewers that taste of fear to make them tingle and perhaps tremble a bit watching the nightly news. Sure, it’s a bit out there when you mix in all the elements but the roots of it, biological warfare, were a definite possibility. What makes this fun over twenty years later? It’s all a possibility once more. For some good old fashioned end of the world fun, it doesn’t get much better than this. But if you don’t agree? “Damn you. Damn you all to hell!” 4.5 manly men out of 5

Irreconcilable Differences: Stay Alive

Casey Criswell — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:48:10 EDT

I've promised the last couple times that the First Lady and I would disagree from time to time, yet so far we've seen eye to eye on most things. Finally we have a pretty big break in view points as we dig into Stay Alive, a modern day slasher on the surface that turns out to be not so modern when you get down to the nitty gritty. She says:Being a gamer chick, I was looking forward to seeing Stay Alive. Now, I have seen a number of video game based movies, so I wasn't holding any high expectations for it. This movie is about a video game in which if you die in it, you will die the same way in real life. (All I could think was if I get ganked by a gnome rogue or a swarm of murlocks in the near future, I am gonna be pissed!) We start out our story with a scruffy looking gamer guy (Milo Ventimiglia) who is supposedly beta testing this new game called Stay Alive. Unfortunately he dies in the game and is relatively spooked by it. He checks in on his roommate and his girlfriend who had already died in game as well and are busy "porking" – literally, as the guy had some sort of pig mask on. Don't ask me, I didn't direct or costume this movie. We see Ventimiglia's character bite it as he did in the game, and we can only surmise that the couple met a similar outcome. Now we meet our main character, an office worker named Hutch (Jon Foster), and his boss (Adam Goldberg) who is needing help with a game he is playing. Hutch hears about his buddy's demise and goes off to attend the funeral where runs into his buddy's roommate's girlfriend's friend. (Yeah, can we get more complicated?) After the funeral, the deceased little sister hands some of the friend's personal belonging over, including all the video games he had. So Hutch, the new girl, and Hutch's friends all decide to play the game together. Long story short, they start to die like they did in game, which is when they realize there is more behind it. Let's find the Mystery Machine and solve this mystery, gang! While I enjoyed the film, some aspects of it are a bit out there, even for me. For example, one of the characters, played by Frankie Muniz, plays the game while a couple of the others are searching the house that the game is based on. Some how, his character happens to drop a crowbar that was needed or happens to have a key to unlock a door. These aren't things that are likely to happen in "real life." The story behind the video game is supposed to be based on a woman named Elizabeth Bathory. Bathory was known as one of Hungary's biggest serial killers in the 1600's. She thought that by bathing in and ingesting virgin blood that she would retain her youth and beauty. As this theme has been played upon in countless movies, I was a little dismayed that they decided to completely ruin her story. First and foremost they made it set in New Orleans. Don't get me wrong, I love New Orleans's rich and dark history, but to set Bathory here was an erroneous choice. It is like turning the Titanic into a Carnival Cruise. New Orleans has a ton of bloody and horrific stories the writers could have chosen for this film. They would have done better choosing Madame La Laurie to base the villain off of, as it would make more sense and they could have gotten further with the storyline set in New Orleans. The characterization was good, but they didn't follow through on a lot of the story lines. Some of the characters weren't fleshed out, which didn't give us enough reason to actually care about them. The movie focused on some characters too much, and got to the point where we became bored with them and almost wanted them to die. Unfortunately, they didn't. Also, the deaths were not creative enough. This is a video game -- where is the sense of adventure? If they are already tearing apart a historical madwoman, why bother sticking with fact? The death by drawn carriage and scissors was way over done. Some scenes were creepy, but others were very predictable. Another aspect that annoyed me was Hutch's friends and their sudden change of attitude. Hutch comes to his friends with his suspicions, but no one believes him, and then all of a sudden they believe him. Had there been a turning point or event that caused this dramatic change, I would have been satisfied, but there wasn't. One second they are shouting "bull shit," and the next they are all gung-ho. I enjoyed the film despite its faults. Maybe it was because I am a gamer and got a kick out of the references and lingo. Maybe it was because I got to see Muniz in a non-whiney role. I will give it 3 kills to level out of 5.He says: I watch a lot of crap. Scroll through the site and you'll see I can enjoy some pretty bad movies. Every now and then I stumble across a flick that just straight pisses me off, and Stay Alive is the latest to win that dubious honor. There is a lot to roll your eyes over in this movie. Some are obvious, some are not so obvious. When we meet our gamers, we're presented with the most stereotypical group of teens that has been shown on film in this decade. There is a scruffy guy hopped up on Red Bull, a really good gamer dude that works in some big time corporate job, a goth chick/gamer who's edgy and flirty, and a stoner dude who runs the LAN center filled with catch phrases stupid humor. Even more annoying is the hippy dippy blonde chick who stalks Hutch at the first funeral and attaches herself to the group. Rounding them out, there's a club kid gamer with his upside down visors and video gamed themed wardrobe who's all about the gear. Really rather annoying and in your face screaming, "HAY! THEY'RE GAMERZ!"What's odd is that this isn't what pissed me off. It's a movie based on a killer video game. Sure, you're going to have over-stereotyped kids. It's pretty much expected. Annoying, but expected. What set me off this time around is the plot and the plot holes that go along with it.I'll be up front with it: How the hell can you connect the Bathory legends with a video game? It just doesn't mesh. As I explained to the First Lady of Fright post viewing, I would have given this flick a lot more leeway had it not been for the inclusion of Elizabeth Bathory. They're in New Orleans, for crying out loud! In a city known for its creepy legends, voodoo, and Anne Rice's effeminate vampires, there is a plethora of untapped monsters that they could have been exploited. Instead, we're forced to watch the rave version of the Scooby gang chasing Old Lady Bathory on a chase sequence we've seen countless times before. I can't stress this fact enough. It's an overdone legend, and done piss poorly this time around. We all know how much of an Ingrid Pitt fanboy I can be, and I was bored with this tale when I watched her take on it. Rehashing aside, there are so many other issues here that the movie transcends from bad to infuriating. Horror fans demand some originality in the kills. Even the mongoloid haunting Camp Crystal Lake managed to change things up a bit from victim to victim. Apparently, Ms. Bathory took care of business with only a pair of scissors and a horse drawn carriage. Aside from scruffy guy in the beginning who offed himself with his own clumsiness, everybody more or less goes out in the same way. This woman was evil! She drained blood from virgins! Give the lady some credit here. I'm sure she could come up with something more sinister than pinking shears and a horsie. Combine this with her digitized minions done in such shoddy CGI chasing the victims to her, Ms. Bathory apparently employs the help of a pack of Digimon to aide in her death and debauchery. What probably sets me off the most is the use of a band of angsty teenagers and the order they're killed off. Long time viewers of the slasher genre know there's usually an unspoken formula on who's going to die and who's going to live. Generally if there is a male star in the film, he will make it through to the end. He's our hero. Normally if hero guy is going to make it, there will be one female companion that survives as well. She will generally be his love interest as well as bringing some element, however small, that will help them escape their torment by the final frame. Stay Alive throws those rules to the way side. Hutch is will make it because he's our hero guy who's figuring everything out. That leaves us with Goth Gamer Girl and Hippy Dippy Chick. Two enter, only one survives! As goth chick poured through her handy general goth chick handbooks of witchcraft and dark stuff™, she began to put together how to kill off the angry old lady in the tower. By solving the mystery, she became the film's Velma. It seems pretty logical that she would make it through the end, so when she got killed off even before Frankie Muniz, my ire began to rise.When it became apparent that Hippy Dippy was going to make it through to the end (the Daphne of the group, if you're following along), it seemed that all logic was lost. She brought absolutely nothing to the table but stupidity and being caught in compromising situations. When they entered the house, she was told to stay put, but as soon as she heard a noise, she turned and ran up stairs. With her myriad of stupid choices through out the flick, and the fact that she wasn't even a true gamer, the audience is left with a girl who served no purpose in reaching the goal, except perhaps a warning that video game nerds need to date outside their species. With cute goth chick dead and gone, and Daphne calling the shots, there was nothing left to do but swear loudly at the TV screen for the remaining twenty minutes. With those glaring issues clouding my vision, the rest of Stay Alive was just a blur. The thoughts behind the flick were solid enough; however, they over shot their target badly and made it feel cobbled together and falling short of their grand expectations. By becoming annoying and frustrating as opposed to the usual campy, the interest factor bottomed out early on and flat lined completely when the killed of the cute goth chick. If you want to see a movie about a killer video game, this isn't the movie to watch. A good killer video game like Brainscan was ten times better, even if it starred Eddie Furlong. 1 digital douche bag out of 5And somebody please kill the Hippy Dippy chick. I beg you.

Five for Fighting Join Forces with Autism Speaks

Casey Criswell — Mon, 9 Apr 2007 09:27:40 EDT

Ever wish you could give more to charity? Well, here's your chance to contribute to a worthy cause and all it takes is three minutes of your time and the click of a mouse. The folks at Autism Speaks in conjunction with John Ondrasik of Five for Fighting have banded together in a new campaign to raise funds for Autism Research. Together they have launched Whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com. Here, you can create your own video answering the question 'What kind of world do you want?' as well as view videos created by others. The true beatuy however is that while you whittle away the hours watching other's created videos, you're earning money for charity. For each video viewed $.49 is donated to Autism Speaks, one of six charities selected by the band. The other charities include Fisher House, Breast Cancer 3 Day: Komen for the Cure, Save the Children, VH1 Save the Music Foundation, and the New York Police and Fire Windows & Children Benefit Fund. All worthy causes, and worth spending five minutes of your time. You see folks, it's that easy. Watch a video and raise 49 cents for a good cause. So if you have a few minutes to spare, head over to Whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com and give them a click! Are you thinking 'Man, that was easy! Wish there was something else I could do!'? Well, it's your lucky day, because there is something else, and it's just as simple! What's that you ask? Head over to Autism Speaks once again and email your Senator to ask them to support the EPIAA Act! The EPIAA Act is new legislation supported by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sentaor Wayne Allard. This new legislation would expand federal funding of life-long services for people with autism. For more details and information follow the link to the Autism Advocay page from Autism Speaks and see how with another simple 5 minutes of your time you can send a pre-drafted letter to your Senator asking them for their support. That's all there is to it! You don't even have to write the letter! Doesn't get much simpler than that to help people out does it?