http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Sun, 6 Feb 2005 12:20:54 EST http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/02/06/122054.php Brian LewandowskiMy daughter passed by my office this morning and said this:"The world is going to end in two days."She then kept walking. She is 6. That's just about the age of those freaky kids in all those horror movies. Redrum and shit like that. So I think I am taking her seriously. I am off to throw down all my savings on the Patriots and the Over.She is lucky that she told me this when she is 6. You see if she was a teenager I would have all but ignored her. Age Six = Terror. Teenager = Moron.I have proof to back me up on this one... and it's not just the fact that I was once a teenager with a smart-ass attitude and a total disrespect for anything with a vowel. In a recent survey of high school students, something like 36% said that a newspaper should get government approval before publishing any article.Um, hello? It looks like some of our children are being "left behind" if you know what I mean. (Of course, who is the super-genius who decided to fund a survey of high school students? I didn't say or do anything that mattered back then... well except pop zits onto the mirror. That was cool, dude.)Let me be the Wise Adult here for a moment. Let me put this in words you little Abercrombie & Bitch wearers can wrap your iPods around. How about MTV Cribs has to get government approval before they show you where Kanye West gets his swerve on? How about Big Boi has to get approval for his lyrics or would have to learn to spell his own name? (See. I am not out of touch here... I am slinging the cultural hash like Vic Tayback back from the grave... okay, maybe not.)Never mind the fact that as goes the freedoms of the press so go your freedoms to speech. Never mind that at all. You are grounded. You are not voting until you are 25. You are not driving until you are 30... and you certainly aren't drinking until you can be a bitter 38-year old like myself. Now go to your room and blog about your depression while listening to Marilyn Manson....*originally posted today at brianlewandowski.com Politics25181@blogcritics.org Sun, 6 Feb 2005 12:20:54 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/02/03/090729.php Brian LewandowskiYesterday afternoon I shucked down to my birthday suit, grabbed a bottle of gin and sat my naked ass upon the couch all in anticipation of the lesbian episode of Postcards from Buster. This was going to be hot, hot, hot!Well, Mr. Floppy and I were sadly disappointed. There wasn't even any deep tongue kissing, let alone double, dastardly, strap-on penetration amidst the stately maples of Vermont. Nothing. I finished my gin, sat in my buffness and awaited the President's State of the Union™ speech. At least, I was prepared to have W shove his misguided "Give Money to the Corporations... errr.... Social Security revamping" plan right up my hairy wazoo.In all seriousness, I did watch the controversial episode of Postcards from Buster with my daughter by my side.When it was finished, like the responsible adult that I am, I decided to discuss the episode with her:"So," I began "Did you notice anything different in the show?""They used milking machines instead of milking the cows by hand." replied my six-year old."Yes. That's true... but did you notice anything different about the families?""They had a bonfire.""True... but was there anything different from our family?""They ate real cheese. Not that weird Kraft stuff.""Again, that is correct... but what about the mothers. Was there anything different about them?""One of them was as big as Kirstie Alley™."At that point I gave up. I decided our new Secretary of Education was out of touch and left it at that."Hey Dad?" asked my daughter as I got up to leave. A ha! Here it comes I thought."Yes?""Could you put some clothes on?"*originally posted today at brianlewandowski.com Politics25059@blogcritics.org Thu, 3 Feb 2005 09:07:29 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/02/02/105521.php Brian LewandowskiGood news! The Pope saw his shadow this morning. There will be six more weeks of the papacy.His Holy High-Hattedness™ checked into a Rome hospital last night with shortness of breath and flu-like symptoms. That was very disparaging to me. You see, Pope-amodo is supposed to be God's messenger here on Earth. You would think God would take time to make sure his oracle is in pretty good shape, sort of like changing the oil on your old hatchback.It's understandable though, this time of the year. It's Super Bowl week. That means God is busy taking care of all those football players who he helps to make big plays and win big games. Hell, a nasty little bout of shortened breath can slip by when you are working on Terrell Owen's leg.Remember 1981? The Eagles (God's Team™?) were involved again. He had to help the players through the thought of playing a Super Bowl where Dick Vermeil could cry at any second. Many players had to sober up from a night in the French Quarter. A lot of work was needed by God. God was tired. Come May, the Pope got blasted by a Turkish assassin. Now, he has to be the Pope in the Bullet Proof Bubble™ whenever he goes out. He never saw it coming.Of course, he doesn't see much these days except for his shoes and his frequent painful urinations. All the Big Hat wearing has caused him to slump over like a folding chair in Kirstie Alley™'s house. Maybe God is shopping around for a new model. Something hipper. More sexy. Something with better gas mileage. Something upright.Paul Tagliabue for Pope!*posted originally at brianlewandowski.com Culture25022@blogcritics.org Wed, 2 Feb 2005 10:55:21 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/01/28/133810.php Brian LewandowskiSomeone told me the other day that a dragonfly only lives for 24 hours. That's strange. I have billions of dragonflies in my yard and yet every morning I don't have to sweep away layers of dragonfly carcasses. What happens to them?Honestly, I am just as bugged by the fact that I am being used by these little winged harlots. When I am out in the garden, one or two will sit on my arm or shoulder as I work. I thought they were the same ones everyday... but no. My arm and body are some sort of late-life vacation stop for winged geriatrics.I bet I don't find any dragonfly bodies because they have a super efficient "Make a Wish" program. Let's face it, if you age and die in 24 hours you are like those kids we used to see, all toothless, looking and smelling like Grandpa while passing out on the teacup ride at Disney.I wonder if I could write to "Make a Wish." I wonder if I could convince them that I am a 2 year-old who has a rare disease that makes him look like a flabby and gassy 38 year-old with a bitter world outlook and a nasty porn habit? If I did, they would have to give me my wish, right? Don't let the aging/dieing boy wither away without seeing his dream come true..."Right. Right. Gotta do what's right. What does he want?""Well, he's got two dreams. We need to pick one. It's either blow up all the Jesus freaks or lynch the current Administration."*originally posted today on brianlewandowski.com Culture24817@blogcritics.org Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:38:10 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/01/27/181530.php Brian LewandowskiI sit here in disbelief at the thought process of the heads of Boston's WGBH and PBS in general. Many stations and groups, as well as government regulators are deeply concerned regarding an episode of the popular kid's show Postcards from Buster.The offensive episode is entitled "Hot All-Girl Action" and it finds Buster taking his camera to visit a lesbian couple in Vermont as they take their daughter out to fetch some maple sap for syrup making. How damn insensitive and agenda pushing has children's television become?Have they no concern for us trying to raise children in a maple free environment? PBS has always stood for a safe and wholesome goodness that equates with quality educational television.Now a debacle depicting free-flowing "sugartime" being bandied about like it was nature's way to coat our flapjacks is just simply wrong.At a young age, I was dragged by a teacher to a maple farm, where after watching the penetration of saplings, I was then forced to eat an overabundance of maple products. I vomited. And to this day I still nearly vomit at the thought of maple products and that horrible forced mastication... and swallowing.Our house is now maple free. We only buy Aunt Jemima syrups in this house because they contain no real maple. The warm and safe happiness of that Slave Woman's sugary goodness brings back cozy memories of my life back on the plantation, when all was right and just in the world. It was just me and her tremendous bosom, one that I suckled all through my teenage years; our love child still writes to me from his prison work gang.But now the world and its moral values are cast aside by the careless.I never felt that I had to sit side-by-side with my daughter as she watched Public Television. I fear for what she will see. What if diversity creeps into her vocabulary? What if she sees children eating peanuts when she knows that her school is "nut product free?" I hope she does not cross to the dark side. SpongeBob SquarePants eats nuts, ya know.*originally posted on brianlewandowski.com Politics24783@blogcritics.org Thu, 27 Jan 2005 18:15:30 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/11/18/125436.php Brian LewandowskiSitting table side with friends last night, we laughed out loud over stories of complaining people. Our friend was yelled at by an irate customer who wanted 3/4 of a pound of turkey at her deli. The issue was that the scale read .78 lbs. She accused our friend of inane stupidity. I thought she should have nibbled the last slice down until she got the pile to the correct weight.My wife was threatened by a woman because her store was out-of-stock on an $8 bottle of lotion. Trust me lady, if you need lotion that badly, you have bigger problems with dryness than you know.Why do we do these things? Because, simply it is just plumb easy to complain these days? That's all we do. Life is full of bigger frustrations, I am sure, but it seems simpler to complain 15 times about deli meat then to make the big changes. We are a country of softies looking for the easier way out.Now don't get me wrong, I am certainly guilty also. I am not on a pulpit here... especially when the silly shirts that we design at bluestater.org are selling like hotcakes. Those are a joy to make... but easy. Am I changing the world? No. I am simply name calling.... really good name calling but that is it.And maybe, just maybe I feel guilty about it. I have always felt that my life had a purpose. I am here to make my mark on the world... and hopefully it won't be a skid mark. So what am I doing?I'd like to think that my parents gave me this call to a higher cause... unfortunately I had a "discussion" with my father the other day that put this in doubt. He uses his Neighborhood Organization's charter to complain about a boat in a driveway down the street or a garage door that is the wrong color. Yet, he did nothing to stop the Medicare Bill from going through last year... something that will have a far greater effect on him than the fishing craft blocking his view of the ugly garage door.At first, I thought he was ridiculous. Especially when I pointed out that my neighborhood of 50 years has no such organization and it seems to work freely and finely. Then it occurred to me that I was no better than him.I use these pages to mock others. I take a stab and complain. But aside from calling people and encouraging them to vote this year, what have I really done? What will I do?Do I simply take it out on the stupid or do I enlightened them and make their lives better? Do I go door to door and talk about how religion is about caring? Do I run for office with a platform that meets my expectations of my child's future?Who knows. You need to excuse me right now. I am off to the deli.*Brian said this crap today at brianlewandowski.com Culture22365@blogcritics.org Thu, 18 Nov 2004 12:54:36 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/09/18/120343.php Brian LewandowskiAdmittedly, it is easier for George W. Bush to win this coming election because he has a well-funded machine of clever message makers and political pundits. The Republicans have been building this for years and it is a crack adaptive team that always seems to have a pulse on what the voters want.I can only hope John Kerry can discover this trait and that his groups can pull together. With the "revelation" that W. plans a massive call-up of troops after the election, they may have finally found the hot button.However if the W and the Republicans can make statements like this:"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - W speaking about the effect of frivolous lawsuits.... I may just be compelled to change my vote!*Brian Lewandowski says stuff like this everyday at www.brianlewandowski.com. Culture19969@blogcritics.org Sat, 18 Sep 2004 12:03:43 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/07/30/174736.php Brian LewandowskiHere are my running and rambling notes from the Democratic National Convention last night. I thought I was actually going to a Bruins' game but realized my error when I saw that they were using the Zamboni to block terrorists from the Premium Seats Men's room.4:30 pm - The first thing I scout out when we get inside is where I can buy booze. Guess what? I can't. How freakin' un-Democratic is that!5:15 pm - Some one hands me a Kerry / Planned Parenthood button. Jenga warns me not to wear it in public. People get really nasty about those things she says. I don't worry. I just tell those people that they are the reason for birth control. If their mother's had used it, I wouldn't have to listen to their annoying crap.6:24 pm - Mid-way through my quest to get on the Floor, my phone rings. It's Jenga warning me again. Some guy told Cole that if we are not in our seats by 6:30 we will lose them. I add to my list of people who need to be stuck with the sharp, pointy side of my Planned Parenthood button.7:12 pm - Okay, now what? A bunch of people keep prancing up and down the stage promoting John Kerry. I am cramping up from sitting in this tiny seat. I long for Catholic Mass. At least there you got to stand up and sit down a few times... I used it as my exercise before I stopped believing in God. Now God is making me fat.7:49 pm - I am seated next to a middle-aged woman from Michigan who keeps tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to hold things for her. I stick her with my Planned Parenthood pin.7:50 pm - Lieberman speaks. I leave to go nosh. I see my friend Traci has followed. She beats me to it when she says "That guy is a Republican."7:59 pm - Just learned that one of our group, who is sitting next to me, is from Canada. What the hell is she doing here? I alert the local authorities to suspicious activity. She thought it was for a Bruins' game too, eh.8-something-ish pm - Willie Nelson is singing. Had I known he was here I could have scored some weed. 8:30 pm - I see people on the Floor are getting signs to hold. I want a sign. I will hold my breath if I don't get one. Conventions are all about free shit.8:50 pm - Carole King comes on stage to sing "You've Got a Friend." Having a child I think it's going to be the Randy Newman song from "Toy Story."8:54 pm - Michigan Lady says she had never heard that song before. I draw blood with another pin sticking.9:02 pm - They are playing "Celebrate" over the loud speakers... again... I think it's because it's the only song White people can dance too. Our friend Pete dances. Pin Stick number 4!9:07 pm - Alexandra Kerry tells us twice that her dad is 6'4" tall. Is that with or without the hair?9:10 pm - Vanessa Kerry talks about her dad giving mouth-to-mouth to the family hamster. Great. We've got the bestiality vote sewn up!9:26 pm - I nearly wet myself. I got a sign to wave. It says "Veterans for Kerry." I will wave mine for Max Cleland if he has to scratch his butt or something.9:27 pm - Speaking of wetting, I've got to take a leak... but I am trapped here. I want to call my buddy Karl the Pilot. He showed me the little tubes pilots can use to pee into when they are in a small plane. He told me they work on suction. I think the interns at this convention do too.9:36 pm - They are showing still images of Republican voters on the big screen. At the height of the dramatic music, they write "Voting for Kerry in 2004!" I think it should say "CAPTURED!"9:45 pm - It's Max Cleland. I wave my sign. I saw him on Sunday night at Fenway. He was playing third base.10:00 pm - John Kerry takes the stage. He's like 6'4"! I see no traces of hamster fur on his lips.10:02 pm - Kerry says "I am John Kerry and you're not!" Okay, not really. Instead he says "I am reporting for duty." He salutes and I can't stop envisioning Benny Hill. God rest his chubby, perverted soul!10:06 pm - Kerry promises to "restore trust and credibility to the White House." How about a little curb appeal too? Maybe some yellow paint and nice blue shutters... and some hydrangeas. Hydrangeas are nice... if you put a rusted nail in the soil around them you can change their color. We could have red ones for when a Republican is in office and blue ones for the Dems.10:08 pm - Benny Kerry wants an Attorney General that upholds the Constitution. I would like a Surgeon General who actually does operations on C-SPAN.10:17 pm - John knows what kids go through when they carry an M-16 through a dangerous place... he's been to South Central LA.10:29 pm - He just used the word "equivocate." W. is looking for his Funk and Wagnall's. Okay. He's had it out since Kerry said "the."10:31 pm - We are closing firehouses here? Why? They never seem to catch on fire. When is the last time you have heard of a firehouse burning down? I think everyone should live in firehouses.10:42 pm - Shit. he's talking about economics... that means math. I start zoning... Hey, did I mention I got one of those Kerry Giant Wavy stick things? Yep. I rock. It's too bad they don't give out stick things at hockey games. I whacked the Michigan Lady with it and then handed it to Canadian Girl. I said to the Michigan Lady "Look! It was her. She wants the U.P. back!"10:48 pm - Kerry says something about "drugs" and "Canada." I ask Canadian Girl if she has any and, by the way, where the hell is her "Canucks for Kerry" placard?10:52 pm - Kerry promises more jobs. The crowd chants "Help is on the way." Help must die. I don't want to go back to work!10:56 pm - Johnny references Abe Lincoln. Good, No one ever references John Wilkes Booth. Referencing Boooth would be like having a hole in your head.10:58 pm - He's done. Balloons are on the way!11:00 pm - Balloons are on the way!11:01 pm - Balloons are on the way!11:04 pm - Balloons are on the way?11:06 pm - Balloon! Balloon! Balloon! I see a balloon!11:08 pm - More balloons and now confetti. I swear they are playing Van Hagar! Good thing I didn't smoke with Willie.11:11 pm - I try to catch confetti on my tongue. I succeed. It tastes bad. Canadian Girl says that it's probably not the edible kind. Man, they have all the good stuff in Canada.11:15 pm - Michigan Lady says "Goodbye!"" I stick her with the Planned Parenthood button one more time and tell her Michael Moore is fat.11:20 pm - Time to go. I step over balloons and confetti. Boy oh Boy! Kerry works fast. He promised new jobs and here they are. Some one has to clean up this mess.* Many thanks to F.O.J. (Friend of John) Traci Anderson for sneaking me in! Thanks to Cole for the confetti pic.** Brian does this sort of crap daily at www.brianlewandowski.com. You can buy his books there and generally just waste some time. Culture18077@blogcritics.org Fri, 30 Jul 2004 17:47:36 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/10/133212.php Brian LewandowskiMoses had his burning bush. George W. had his enlightenment after years of alcoholism. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.... and I now believe he is calling to me via email:FW: Proceed With Your Ordination Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church! Perform Weddings, Funerals, and Perform Baptisms Forgiveness of Sins and Visit Correctional FacilitiesWant to open a church? Check out Ministry in a Box Press here to find out how. Well thank you, God. You know I shun the phone and don't get out much. Email was certainly the easiest way to find me (And I rent so lighting up a bush would have effected my security deposit.). I accept, I guess. I have to check with the wife first on sending you the cash. I think she has an eye on some lime green sandals. Maybe I could get sandals too as I preach your good word.So now with my new religious leadership I must find a flock (Unfortunately even though your web page states "MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!!" I won't be able to do that as I have no siblings and my best friends don't like me in THAT way.).I guess to get a flock I should buy the Ministry in a Box kit. I couldn't find in the small print anywhere if this comes with an actual building for my services. Did Robert Schuller get his Crystal Cathedral this way?I bet I need to raise funds too... how do I get one of those television shows?. I would prefer to have one with babes hotter than Tammy Faye... something along the lines of the "Juggies" of Man Show fame.Can I serve more than wine? Is there an "Official Mixed Drink of Christ?" (Please don't let it be the Bloody Mary! Please!)I probably should start recruiting now, right?Okay. So here goes. If you want to belong to my Church (denomination and beliefs as yet to be determined... maybe we could have a keggar to figure it out) please use my contact form and let me know that you are in. I bet this is how the Reverend Governor Howard Dean M.D. got started.*Bri rambles about stuff like this often at www.brianlewandowski.com it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Culture15547@blogcritics.org Mon, 10 May 2004 13:32:12 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/03/16/193221.php Brian LewandowskiLet me just go on the record today and say that I love steroids. I don't mean for me personally. (I use a nose spray that has them and my nose doesn't seem to be getting any stronger.) I mean that I love steroids in pro sports.Here's why. I would love to see a baseball hit 600 feet. I would love to see an outfielder run through a wall. I would love to see a quarterback throw the ball 100 yards. If I am paying $70 to attend a sporting event, athletes better be doing some amazing shit. If you are making $8 million dollars to dribble a basketball, you sure as hell better not see me yawning and scratching my ass. I want action. I want super-human, futuristic action.I want Morten Anderson to kick an 85 yard field goal with a leg the size of an utility pole. I want Barry Bonds to hit a home run every time up... so that other teams start pumping their outfielders with so many roids they can leap 30 feet in the air and pick the ball off before it lands in the cove... the one on the Oakland side of the Bay.Do I care that these substances are harmful? No, Once they are done being athletes I have no use for athletes. I don't want them color commenting like some awful Troy Aikman. I want them silent like Lyle Alzado. Act stupid and macho in college, join a frat, throw up a lot, play pro ball, entertain me and then die.I would have made a great Roman Emperor wouldn't I?*Brian says ridiculous stuff like this everyday at www.brianlewandowski.com and in his latest book "Slop and Swill from a Festering Mind." Sports13791@blogcritics.org Tue, 16 Mar 2004 19:32:21 EST