Intergalactic Transsexual Space Slugs. That’s what George Lucas signed off on as part of this saga to put into Clone Wars. How this all fits together is anyone’s guess, but this lackluster, obviously made for TV Star Wars episode should have been free for anyone who pays for basic cable.

Obviously aimed at the younger set, it’s easy to forgive the weakest dialogue in the series to date (and you thought Episode One was bad?). Even the animation, stiff and unconvincing as it is, can be given a pass. It’s the complete lack of a decent central story, non-stop pointless action, and a distinct missing piece in the form of John Williams' soundtrack that take this one down in flames.

To be fair, the opening fight, an intense standoff between the Republic and Separatists is solid work. The vehicles and action are handled as well as they were in any of the recent prequels. There’s some decent Jedi lightsaber action involved as well, loads of explosions, and unfortunately, John Williams isn’t there to back any of this up.

It’s hard to believe that a simple lack of music can change something this drastically, but in your head, you can hear the appropriate cues. Even the opening credits fail, not only due to the lack of Fox’s usual fanfare (Warner Bros. is handling this for some reason), but Williams' triumphant theme has been remixed for no logical reason. If you have the rights, why aren’t you using it?

Still, there’s far more wrong with this movie than music. It comes back to Intergalactic Transsexual Space Slugs, in the form of Jabba the Hutt’s “uncle,” a term thrown around all too loosely. “His” southern drawl is impossible to take seriously, and no one involved in this could have possibly thought this was a passable idea for a character. The movie, what little glimmer of hope it had prior to his arrival, is completely extinguished in his first scene. Of all the goofy characters in this universe, this is undoubtedly the worst (yes, even with Jar Jar in the mix).

It’s well known that this was meant for TV, and it shows. Not only are a few of the cuts to sew the pieces together obvious, the script takes a huge hit for it. Queen Amidala and C3PO come from nowhere in terms of the story. Their appearance is jarring and feels forced just to get them on the screen. Likewise, the plot is set up in obvious chapters, the first “episode” having little or no bearing on the others. It’s one long fight, and exciting or not, it has nothing to do with rescuing Jabba the Hutt’s infant son.

If Star Wars fans are given anything, it’s a few nicely animated shots of note. One is on Tatooine, against the planet’s setting dual suns. It’s the type of effective visuals the movie is lacking throughout, mostly due to a call for the extended and tiring action to keep the kids in their seats.

Maybe in ten or so years George Lucas will come up with something to satisfy the die-hard fans out there to let them forget this ever happened. Releasing this theatrically was a drastic mistake, and the only way sum it up is with a line from the film. One of the battle droids is tossed off a cliff (like this movie should have been) and screams “WHY?!” It couldn’t have been summed up any better.