Apparently, someone out there felt that Anaconda had enough merit to become a sequel machine. Not just one sequel though; this is a series about to hit four. This third Anaconda has almost nothing to do with the rest of the films, aside from some brief dialogue about the Blood Orchid from Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid (a theatrical release in 2004). So, why even call it Anaconda?

It could have titled David Hasselhoff is Only Here to Cash In a Paycheck and we’d have ourselves a movie.

But alas, we do have David Hasselhoff fending off horrible, hilariously inaccurate giant anacondas. Of course, as with any no budget critter feature, they’ve been subjected to that oh so popular DNA testing stuff and they’re just a wee bit agitated. They escape from their testing, they munch on actors you’ve never heard of, do the dirty deed, and then breed.

The opening sequence of the movie is so out of place and disjointed, you almost wonder if you tuned in late (lucky you). It’s an immediate assault by one of the snakes with zero explanation as to why the characters are fighting it, why it’s not confined, or why the special effects are so bad they’re rarely on screen for more than a few seconds.

All the usual problems that cause some tension arise, including corporate greed, mercenaries working for profit, the scientist chick who feels sorry for giant man-eating snake thing, and buttloads of gore simply because CGI blood was on sale the week it was filmed. How John Rhys-Davies ended up here after the Lord of the Rings trilogy is a tale better left untold, much like Anaconda III.

To its credit, there is a load of action here. Sure, the scenes go on longer than they should purely to delay and kill time to turn this into something resembling feature length, but the snakes do get some solid screen time. Granted, they would have looked out of place in 1997 in the original Anaconda, but at least they tried, right?

Oh, and snakes don’t have teeth like that. Ever. Doesn’t matter what testing they had done to them. Putting in a full set of carnivorous fangs is not only impractical, it would make it impossible for them to eat, which in the real world is pretty important.

Just think. In a few more months, Sci-Fi Channel viewers have a chance at viewing yet another pointless, almost assuredly unwatchable disaster that will be Anaconda IV: Trail of Blood. Sadly, David Hasselhoff won’t be joining the party. Until then, try to avoid ever watching Anaconda III so you can have practice in avoiding the next one.