Hunker down in your bunker and enjoy it. Speaking of in (and out), it appears that weekend shoppers don’t know the meaning of “Entrance” and “Exit.” Our Sam’s entrance and exit doors are right next to each other, causing a bit of confusion to the uninitiated. Be prepared to fight the misguided flow of traffic coming into the store, and also when leaving. Try very hard not to use your 1,000-pound flatbed to run over small children and old foreign ladies who don’t know any better.

Once inside, you will notice Saturday shopping cart traffic is out of control. The main reason for this is the proliferation of samples that may pop up like mushrooms between 11 a.m. and 4 p.m.. I gather some people come to Sam’s on Saturday specifically to have lunch. This is okay (I think), but realize that a really hot item like Italian meatballs in sauce or General Tsao’s chicken is going to cause a traffic jam, and the commotion is usually located right in front of the refrigerated area that houses the butter you need.

Speaking of shopping cart etiquette, weekend Sam’s Club shoppers are the absolute worst. People are beyond rude. I, of course, am gauging my opinion as an ex-Army brat. There’s nothing more treacherous than making your way through a commissary where the Army wives are just as likely to pull rank as their husbands and plow into your rear end (literally) in an attempt to get at the last ripe watermelon before you snag it. Yessiree Bob, I needed that military experience to help me with weekend Samming.

Waiting in line for the check out process can be long and arduous, so pick up a $4 novel and commence to read while you are waiting your turn. During Christmas, I actually finished reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom while waiting in line. Of course, it’s fairly light material and I’m a graduate from the Evelyn Wood School of Reading. There are a ton of cookbooks to snag recipes from, and the occasional self-help manual, but I find the trashy romance novels to be the best waiting-in-line material.

Once you’ve secured your purchases, it’s time to load them carefully in your car. I like to use a container to keep my small items together. A Sam’s Club insulated bag makes an excellent choice. You don’t want to fish out a rotting container of Half-and-half from under your front seat a day after the highest recorded temperature in your area in 100 years.

Finally, when exiting the parking lot, remember one thing: those people who can’t read “Entrance” and “Exit” signs, and who recklessly banged into your cart on the way to the free rib eye sample, probably all have cars, too. Bad driving habits often carry over.