Written By El Puerquito Magnifico

The summer of 2008 brings us the release of the highly anticipated, but wholly unnecessary fourth film in the Indiana Jones series, and with such a momentous occasion looming on the horizon, Paramount has seen fit to milk few more bucks out of pop culture afficionados by re-releasing the first three movies in all-new super-fancy special editions. “The first time they’ve been released in special edition format” as the commercials are quick to point out. Buy them now before they release a four-film box set, and you have to buy them again!

I had planned on revisiting them anyway, so it worked out well for me. It had been a long time since I’d watched any of the Indy flicks, so I was pretty excited. I was ready for adventure, excitement, and bare-knuckle brawling, but I never anticipated what would happen when I watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Let me dial the clock back a bit to my childhood. I loved Indiana Jones. Still do, in fact. But as a kid, there’s a special kind of magic there, and the oft-maligned Temple of Doom was my favorite film of the three. As I grew older and reached my cynical 20s, the second Indy film fell out of favor with me. Raiders of the Lost Ark was clearly the superior film, Temple just seemed like a bad joke and I viewed Last Crusade as an attempt to apologize.

To me, Raiders was purer: an homage to old Republic serials and adventurers like Allan Quartermain and Doc Savage. A fond memory of a bygone era where men were men and the world was full of mystery and high adventure. Dark jungles and scary natives. Mystical objects and, of course, Nazis. I hate those guys.

Temple of Doom, on the other hand, just seemed too shiny, too Hollywood. It had a kid sidekick and an annoying girl, witty banter that lacked any actual humor and a hokey storyline featuring Indy as the “chosen one” of sorts. It featured Kate Capshaw delivering the worst performance ever captured on film (and I’m including every movie Keanu Reeves has ever been in). It was almost like a parody of an Indiana Jones film.