At this point, I think Alexandria should be co-author of this blog.

She makes a wonderful point again in regards to Monday’s entry about my depression and such. Hmm... could it be I have a fear of success? That just sounds dumb.

Yet, she wrote:

…Then you probably have a bit of fear of success. What if you get to 240 and life sucks just as much as when you were 299? Or you can't get laid by the hot chick you want? Then what will you blame it on? Not being toned enough? Or, God forbid, something in your personality? Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success. They all have the same elements. It's scary.

You know, I’ve spent the last two years thinking I needed psychological help, but didn’t want to pay for it. Now she comes in and gives it to me for free. I knew this blog would pay off.

I am guessing it is very possible that I have a fear of success. Though, if I was searching for something in my thought process that was blocking my efforts to lose the last 25 pounds, I probably wouldn’t come up with fear. Instead I might find laziness, gluttony, and a never-ending willingness to take the easy way out.

But that’s why the call it the SUBconscious. Because you don’t know it’s there. Get it?

I suppose all of my downfalls might ultimately be chalked up to a fear of success. It makes sense considering, in other aspects of my life, I tend to take a certain comfort with the middle. I never truly strove to be the most successful in my career, or the best athlete in high school, or the best student. In fact, my past behaviors might suggest I am weary of taking real risks for the most part.

Instead of introducing myself to editors of big newspapers when I have the chance, I figure they probably don’t want to hire me anyway. Instead of using my God-given size to try and earn a football scholarship after high school, I was happy working just hard enough to start my senior year. And instead of doing my homework during high school and getting grades good enough to go to the college of my choice, I instead got by with a 2.6 GPA and ended up at my third choice. Once I got to that third choice (good old Bowling Green State University!), I was happy just graduating in five years (plus a summer).

I suppose I have never really taken life by the horns. And I have been overly proud of the mediocre accomplishments I have earned, only to realize after the fact that they might not have been the best situations.