What the old man did would now land him in jail, but he died before I was old enough to know he could never have delivered on his threats. While it was going on, my parents sensed something was wrong. They did ask me about it one time, but I wouldn’t say for fear of what would happen if I did, so they dropped it. It wasn’t just that my parents were woefully consumed with their own pain. There was simply not enough protection. As an adult, I vowed it would never be this way for my own family.

My husband and I knew about each other’s childhoods, but we didn’t realize the full impact of those experiences - specifically how they would come to mold the way we would deal with, prepare for, and shelter ourselves against real and imagined dangers.

Before our discussion, he didn’t want to spend money for a home alarm system because he was aware of my waking up at the slightest sound - and my rattling him awake as I went off to address the source. Additionally, he had been a Marine for 23 years. What he couldn’t defend against would be our demise anyway. Logically, he was right. He could stop an attacker — and has in the past — but there was nothing he could do to protect us from an earthquake or flash flood. Even then, we have more than enough insurance in the unlikely event we survived major calamity.

Before our discussion, I fought adamantly for a home alarm system. I felt vulnerable without it and all the more unprotected by his refusal to give in. My anxiety worsened when the neighborhood we moved into was privy to several violent crimes committed by people who shouldn’t have been let out of jail in the first place, but who nonetheless roamed free. Frankly, the home alarm would have only been a first step. Relocating to a small town was my preference.

Our discussion revolved around how each of us felt about our own reasons for feeling insecure. In the past, we’d have instead focused on what we thought of the other person’s ideas.

After our discussion it was much easier to identify with and accommodate each other based on the reasons we each felt insecure in the first place. He knew he could protect us from anything outside the house, so his focus was the dangers lurking within. I knew I could protect us from anything inside the house, so my focus was the dangers lurking outside.