Satire: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter the Temple of Man Made Global Warming!
Published April 20, 2008
They saw the future through divine revelation and knew not only that such feeble nonsense was doomed to failure but that it would be contrary to the teachings of my sacred Temple. They anticipated this almost a thousand years before they passed into temporary obscurity. They did embrace, with supreme wisdom, the notion of reducing carbon dioxide emissions through the elimination of the most prolific emitters, humans and the things which they do and which they eat. There are joyous signs that the teachings of My Temple are bearing fruit and that they will continue to do so.
Although my Temple is still a small one, there are many good people pursuing our noble cause; many of them probably do not even know why they are doing so, or that they are guided by the teachings of My Temple. Clearly, they are being guided by God herself. President Mugabe of Zimbabwe, may his holy name be praised, is doing his honorable best to eliminate not only the abject poverty in his country, but also the humans living there and suffering from it so sadly.
Darfur is another shining example. Carbon sources are being eliminated there at a satisfying rate, and soon, the Sudan will no longer be a blot on our planet. Iran and other countries in Persia, as well as the Democratic Peoples' Republic of North Korea, are making glorious progress; given time and support, they and numerous others will prove themselves to be worthy of the name Disciple.
Progress is being made, praise the holy name of Mani, elsewhere as well. People in Haiti and elsewhere are starving, in large part because our clandestine disciples are intent upon converting corn into ethanol, but it is a noble and worthy sacrifice, for it enables us to power the glorious cars which we so relish.
It is clear to even the most apostate that a Hummer offers much greater potential to enrich the lives of those of us who toil heroically in the Church than even a hundred pastures full of cows. Fields previously wasted in growing other food crops are now being put to a much higher use. Previously successful but pernicious efforts to eradicate Malaria by introducing the scourge of DDT have ended, praise the holy name of Mani.
New diseases are cropping up all the time, many of them resistant to the puny antibiotics devised by misguided humans to defeat the will of God – not unlike the lightning rods invented by the wicked Benjamin Franklin. The perverse use of those pointed iron sticks caused earthquakes in Massachusetts to punish the wicked who strove to avoid His just punishment by lightning.
Dan was graduated from Yale University in 1963 and from the University of Virginia School of Law in 1966. He practiced law in Washington, D.C., retiring in 1996 to sail with his wife in the Caribbean. They settled in a rural area in Panama in 2001. Dan spends most of his time training and riding horses and trying to write a bit. In the interest of full disclosure, unless something unanticipated happens, he intends to vote this year for Senator McCain and Governor Palin.
- Satire: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter the Temple of Man Made Global Warming!
- Published: April 20, 2008
- Type: Satire
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Sci/Tech: Energy/Environment, Culture: Religion, Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Dan Miller
- Dan Miller's BC Writer page
- Dan Miller's personal site
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Ah, yes, brother Ruvy
But that is the whole point. For Mother Earth to survive, there can no longer be humans! That is a sacrifice we must all make, all glory be to Mani, may his holy name be praised.
Bishop Dan
so...why is this labeled 'satire' - ?
Dear Brother Troll,
I am delighted beyond words that you accept the reality of my divinely inspired message. I have hopes that many others will accept my reality and become my disciples at this critical moment.
Again, please be generous when the hat is passed.
Please excuse me; I need to go take my meds.
Bishop Dan
Joanne,
Bless you my daughter. I am now in the process of setting up off-shore accounts in Nigeria and Somalia, and as soon as the process is completed I will let you know.
Yours in the bowels of Mani,
Bishop Dan
The heathen are now trying to undo our good works. Read what they say, lest you be unaware of the evils around you. It is not too late. Read now! Be aware. Be prepared! Only we true followers of the Great Prophet Mani, may his holy name be praised, can stop this wicked interference with his divinely inspired revelations.
Repent and use Ethanol. It is only meet and right that ye should so do.
Bishop Dan
Now then, Bishop. Ye'd be readin' Steyn, would ye?
Welll, ye can't be all bad, despite what all them blokes is sayin'.
Clav,
It all depends, of course, on the meaning of be.
As to what all them blokes is sayin', I pray that they are using ethanol. The evil of prohibition was that it discouraged the use of food products to make the devil's brew. Fortunately, under my inspired guidance, the members of my holy Temple use corn whiskey for sacramental purposes, as did some early adherents during the wicked years of prohibition. Sacramental corn whiskey is available at all times before, during and after our holy services, and the devout come often to our Temple for spiritual comfort.
Bless you, my son.
Bishop Dan
I especially like the "yours in teh bowels of Mani" greeting!
I'll join, but can I get a job like usher or something along those lines? I mean, there surely should be some folks that deserve head of the line priviledges here!!!
Andy,
But of course, my son. There are, however, conditions: you must arrive in a private jet aircraft and present yourself at my glorious Temple in a Hummer or other appropriate vehicle, preferably fueled by corn-based ethanol.
May the true spirit of Mani be upon you and yours.
Bishop Dan
Guess it's time to dump the ole' 'lectric bike I got then!!!
Here is a recently released list of some of the disasters caused by global warming.
We must repent! Even now it may be too late.
Bishop Dan
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/76007)
My dear Bishop Dan,
If you succeed in your quest you will have reached 0 followers. Maybe, you'll feel better is we add a few zeros to that number: 000,000 followers. When reaching that state and called upon by your divinity to make the ultimate (and perfect) sacrifice, you will likely be chanting, "oooohhh shhhhit!" - but having 000,000 followers, you will not be heard to have chanted....
At such a state, you will have attempted to reached a condition of shunyata - and will have failed.
Mazel tov!