Satire: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter the Temple of Man Made Global Warming!
Published April 20, 2008
Good day, brothers and sisters. After much prayerful thought, I come to you with an urgent message:
The Church of Global Smarming is a false church, with many false prophets and profits. The prophets are no less insidious than the profits, but we must not hate them. Instead, we must teach the prophets and their ignorant followers the errors of their sinful ways, and thereby deliver them from their false faith, as was Saul of Tarsus on the way to Damascus.
It is only meet and right that we should do so, to permit the greatest gift of God, Mother Earth herself, to survive. Like the moneychangers in the temple, with whom they have much in common, these false prophets must be routed.
The Church of Global Smarming claims that it alone can save the Earth for Humanity, and that all who disagree are both apostate and ignorant of the Truth. That is a pernicious doctrine. My Temple, of which I am the sole true prophet, boldly goes where no temple has gone before in nearly a thousand years. We emphatically proclaim that humankind is the sole source of both global warming and global smarming, and that humankind must, therefore, out of reverence for Mother Earth, be eliminated.
This is a difficult position to advocate, and there may be at least token resistance; in the end, however, we will be victorious and all right-thinking people will find that they must agree. There is ample precedent for this thesis, if the teachings of history are correctly viewed, in accordance with the divine revelations bestowed upon me.
The ancient Manicheans held that all sexual intercourse is wicked, even between married heterosexual couples and even if undertaken solely with a view to producing offspring. Bertrand Russell tells us that Tolstoy and Gandhi, in their old age, held a similar view. St. Augustine, a minor light in the Roman Catholic pantheon of saints, vigorously opposed the Manichæan view that marriage is pernicious because it leads to propagation of the species.
Interestingly, Manicheanism arose in Mesopotamia, where it flourished for a while. St. Augustine notwithstanding, all of the Manichean luminaries foresaw the draconian consequences to Mother Earth of profligate human reproduction. Unlike the false prophets of Global Smarming, they looked to the root causes of the problem facing our Emerald Orb. They disdained the offering of carbon credits, electric automobiles, ethanol, or the eating only of raw vegetables, organically grown, as puny solutions.
Dan was graduated from Yale University in 1963 and from the University of Virginia School of Law in 1966. He practiced law in Washington, D.C., retiring in 1996 to sail with his wife in the Caribbean. They settled in a rural area in Panama in 2001. Dan spends most of his time training and riding horses and trying to write a bit.
- Satire: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter the Temple of Man Made Global Warming!
- Published: April 20, 2008
- Type: Satire
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Sci/Tech: Energy/Environment, Culture: Religion, Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Dan Miller
- Dan Miller's BC Writer page
- Dan Miller's personal site
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Ah, yes, brother Ruvy
But that is the whole point. For Mother Earth to survive, there can no longer be humans! That is a sacrifice we must all make, all glory be to Mani, may his holy name be praised.
Bishop Dan
so...why is this labeled 'satire' - ?
Dear Brother Troll,
I am delighted beyond words that you accept the reality of my divinely inspired message. I have hopes that many others will accept my reality and become my disciples at this critical moment.
Again, please be generous when the hat is passed.
Please excuse me; I need to go take my meds.
Bishop Dan
Joanne,
Bless you my daughter. I am now in the process of setting up off-shore accounts in Nigeria and Somalia, and as soon as the process is completed I will let you know.
Yours in the bowels of Mani,
Bishop Dan
The heathen are now trying to undo our good works. Read what they say, lest you be unaware of the evils around you. It is not too late. Read now! Be aware. Be prepared! Only we true followers of the Great Prophet Mani, may his holy name be praised, can stop this wicked interference with his divinely inspired revelations.
Repent and use Ethanol. It is only meet and right that ye should so do.
Bishop Dan
Now then, Bishop. Ye'd be readin' Steyn, would ye?
Welll, ye can't be all bad, despite what all them blokes is sayin'.
Clav,
It all depends, of course, on the meaning of be.
As to what all them blokes is sayin', I pray that they are using ethanol. The evil of prohibition was that it discouraged the use of food products to make the devil's brew. Fortunately, under my inspired guidance, the members of my holy Temple use corn whiskey for sacramental purposes, as did some early adherents during the wicked years of prohibition. Sacramental corn whiskey is available at all times before, during and after our holy services, and the devout come often to our Temple for spiritual comfort.
Bless you, my son.
Bishop Dan
I especially like the "yours in teh bowels of Mani" greeting!
I'll join, but can I get a job like usher or something along those lines? I mean, there surely should be some folks that deserve head of the line priviledges here!!!
Andy,
But of course, my son. There are, however, conditions: you must arrive in a private jet aircraft and present yourself at my glorious Temple in a Hummer or other appropriate vehicle, preferably fueled by corn-based ethanol.
May the true spirit of Mani be upon you and yours.
Bishop Dan
Guess it's time to dump the ole' 'lectric bike I got then!!!
Here is a recently released list of some of the disasters caused by global warming.
We must repent! Even now it may be too late.
Bishop Dan
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/76007)
My dear Bishop Dan,
If you succeed in your quest you will have reached 0 followers. Maybe, you'll feel better is we add a few zeros to that number: 000,000 followers. When reaching that state and called upon by your divinity to make the ultimate (and perfect) sacrifice, you will likely be chanting, "oooohhh shhhhit!" - but having 000,000 followers, you will not be heard to have chanted....
At such a state, you will have attempted to reached a condition of shunyata - and will have failed.
Mazel tov!