The end may well be nigh. Last week, the unsuspecting people of London were taken aback by what they may well have believed to be a small-scale invasion of England’s capital city, affectionately known as Old Smoky. From amongst the shaken observers of the tumult in Trafalgar Square have emerged several strange sightings that sources well placed within the apocalypse stress could signify the end times. Two scantily clad cat-people resembling nothing so much as humanoid cheetahs were seen prowling around the premises of the National Gallery.

Although no injuries have been reported as yet, the vibrantly outfitted party of two – who photographic evidence demonstrates did carry on their persons poorly concealed staffs of some unidentifiable yellow material – were nevertheless observed engaging in public acts of violence upon one another, wielding their weapons at cameras in a threatening manner.

In truth, the feline hybrids did not appear set on immediate, all-out domination of humanity, which – as it is widely known – began in London. Passersby transfixed by the commotion soon saw the pair distracted from their mortal deadlock by the great lions that guard the four corners of Nelson’s Column, an impressive landmark overlooked by the world-renowned National Gallery. From their impromptu den between the vast paws of the bronze beast, the cheetah-people once again intimidated a camera, leading this writer to the conclusion that although the end might not be immediate, it must certainly be impending. Despite our best efforts to prove precisely what factors eventually dissuaded the cat-women from their nefarious scheme, it seems safe to surmise that a combination of photographers and pigeons – the precise configuration of which is impossible to determine – are the unlikely allies responsible for the continued wellbeing of humankind.

But do not put your fear aside so easily, for in the end, the orange-garbed guerrillas which brought such chaos to the peaceful streets of London were not detained by the authorities or even captured by animal control — they simply vanished! And from the unmistakable signs of the end-times that came later, I can exclusively reveal to you that the feline aggressors may have been but the forward landing party of a fleet which hurtles even as you read closer and ever closer to our precious Earth.