For now, though, I see myself as a defensive end. And I am pretty happy about that.

When I look in the mirror these days, I can’t ever get past the difference the defensive tackle I used to be and the defensive end I am now. It feels like almost all of the weight has come off of my face. Honestly, my belly still seems huge to me, but my face has slimmed down to half the size. My features are sharper, my jaw line is actually taking shape. It’s those mirror moments when I feel proudest because I know what I used to see.

But then I put my head down and see that stubborn double-chin. Unnoticed by others, maybe, but a perpetual nuisance to me. In those moments, I understand why I am still working to lose weight.

Though I am a healthy, decent looking man right now, I just have to know what I will be once my goal is complete. I can live life at 270 without problem. I can find a cute girl who likes big guys, I can be active and attractive and fun and intimidating all at the same time. But I get this feeling that I don’t know what I’m missing 30 pounds down. I still don’t know what it’s like to go into a clothing store and know for sure that they’ll have your size. I still don’t know what a scale looks like on the underside of 250. And I still don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and fully accept what you see.

I see people I want to be. I see larger than normal men with my frame, carrying weight smoothly and easily. I see them all over, at the gym, at the store, at a game. I study them when I can, and I wonder how I would look if I stood next to them. Do I look like them? If not, what do I have to do to look like them? I think back to a college friend named Ben who was as much of a dick as he was a great drinking buddy. From the neck down, he looked like I want to look. Tall, broad, long and almost slender. He carried between 230 and 240 during the times I knew him. We were the same height.

It’s not that I am romanticizing these people. No, it’s more like aiming an arrow. I see what I want to be. I wonder how close I actually am. From defensive tackle to defensive end, then down to linebacker. From the men at the gym, back in time to Ben, I know what I am trying to look like.