ACT II: Thy Beer Kicketh In

When you’re not dancing to such cult classics (and assorted Irish folk music) like “Disco Inferno” and “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” you are probably engaging in some witty conversations with your friends, peers, coworkers, complete strangers, or anyone else on the planet who will listen to your mindless, drooling babble.

Remember, you might be amongst various malcontents, assorted unknowns, or any other unfriendly foes, so keep the topics of conversation somewhat safe and slick. Stick to politics, religion, and abortion.

The Super Friends are always a good topic to discuss, entertain, and enlighten the unwashed masses while under the influence. Don’t guffaw; it’s a fascinating topic! If The Flash is “the fastest man alive,” does that mean he gets to skip foreplay? Can Green Lantern make more green beer with that ring if your local tavern happens to run dry? That would be super. And what’s the deal with Hawkman and airline peanuts? Take a plane, I say; let someone else do the work! (Oh, the tortured mind of an artist!)

Enough small talk with the malevolent masses for now. After a few beers, your baby bladder usually kicks in, and then (at least for the guys) it’s off to the urinals. Private ones in swanky hotels and restaurants are usually fine, but it’s the public ones in local bars you need to watch out for, friends. It never fails that there’s always one guy (again, this is a guy thing) who insists on engaging in (sigh) “urinal talk.”

Now, I’m no Miss Manners, so I’m not exactly sure what the rules of good urinal etiquette are on St. Patrick‘s Day, but a stimulating conversation with some stranger is the last thing I want to have when I’ve got my “winkie” in my hands.

Girls usually have it no better in their powder rooms of choice. Cold water overflowing in multiple toilets is a given in any ladies room on St. Paddy’s Day. If nothing else, it gives you the opportunity to race in and rescue them from certain icy doom, like a scene from Titanic. “I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go!”

ACT III: Thou Will Never Drink Again!

After refunding the green eggs and ham breakfast you indulged in earlier that day into the nearby sewer, you and your friends will most likely stumble around the streets in a merry fashion, hugging complete strangers and the homeless, and expressing your undying devotion to them: “I love you, man. No, seriously, I mean that. Really. I love you, man. Totally.”