The term “baby bump” is now a pervasive and increasingly odious term. I imagine it’s meant to be cute, but I seriously have to stop myself from throwing a Molotov cocktail at the local 7-11 when I pass by the newsstand and a headline proclaims, “Photos of Recent Brangelina Baby Bump!” Entertainment programs on TV also use the word ad nauseum. To add insult to injury, even the major Internet news outlets are using the term “baby bump” in their headlines, which confirms what I have believed for a long time: the “news” is not the news anymore. It’s sensationalized fluff.

Having been pregnant twice, I can tell you that both those children were not “bumps.” The first one, who came in at over nine pounds, made me appear as though I were sporting a watermelon. I couldn’t wear gray because I was afraid of being confused for a baby elephant or an aircraft carrier. My first-born spent the entire nine months in utero bouncing around like a Globetrotter and jabbing me in the ribs with his big feet. I was sure I was black and blue on the inside.

I knew my second child was a girl right after amniocentesis, and called her by her given name as soon as I was sure. She wasn’t nearly as large as the first child, nor as active, but she was no “bump.” She was a baby.

The dictionary defines a “bump” as a “slight swelling or lump; a raised or rounded spot, a bulge.” (There’s no definition of “baby bump” except in Urban Dictionary, and even they think it’s an annoying term.) My pregnancies were not of “bump” proportions. No, my babies took over my body like a couple of parasites and blew me up into touring balloon proportions. (Oh, I love them, but please. Pregnancy is no grand promenade in the park complete with white gloves and lacy parasol.) I imagine that is how most pregnant women feel: temporarily invaded by body snatchers. If my two had been mere “bumps,” I might have been persuaded to have a couple more.

To protect the civil rights of the unborn as well as for my own sanity, I’m calling for a unilateral and bipartisan protest of the term “baby bump.” This repugnant term has to be eliminated - the sooner the better.