Welcome, voters!

It is the great Obama Sale! You are guaranteed to find something for everyone. We believe in pleasing everyone, so come on in!

ARE YOU:

Against NAFTA?

Then you will be happy to know that our candidate has all intentions to end NAFTA if it isn't renegotiated to get you your job back!

For NAFTA?

If you are not in a state like Ohio then rest assured! We're sure that by now you've heard of our (wink-wink) conversation with the Canadians. NAFTA is not going anywhere — so relax!

Against telecom immunity and terrorist surveillance?

Our candidate has said that they shouldn't be given immunity and we need to end warrentless wiretaps. So we will roll back the Bush tactics.

Worried we won't monitor terror communications?

Well our candidate did not show up to vote for the FISA bill so take it easy; we are not really against the FISA bill either! (wink-wink)

Want our troops out?

Our candidate showed amazing judgment by giving a speech in Chicago against the war! He has promised that troops will begin pulling out almost as soon as he takes office. So our troops are coming home and who cares what happens in Iraq after that?

Worried Iraq will fall into chaos or that al Qaeda will take over?

Fear not! We will send our troops back into Iraq if that happens. And who gives a damn that al Qaeda is already there?

To let you in on a secret - we aren't really going to withdraw too much. But we hope you understand that we have to say that to get elected! And we can always hope al Qaeda and the Shiite militants will just go away.

Want an end to partisanship?

Our candidate's whole platform is based on that. He will end the bickering and make everyone come together. Believe us - it's a promise he intends to keep.

Part of the liberal Democratic base?

We are on your side! Our candidate isn't really going to work with Republicans on contentious issues. His idea of partisanship is making everyone go along with his view. And think about it, would you still support him if he had actually worked with Republicans on controversial issues?

Just look at John McCain - his party's base hates him because he worked with Democrats. Our candidate has the support of every sub-group of the Democratic Party - does that happen with someone who is willing to break with his party on some issues? (wink-wink)

No health insurance?

Obama to the rescue! We will provide everyone a government-run health care plan. Yes, the same government that can't even handle toll booths efficiently will be responsible for your healthcare needs! We believe it is the best way.