Blade Runner (1982): Okay, so my rules don't exclude future "interpretations" of L.A., a weakness perhaps. Nevertheless, this '40s-style noir-thriller set in 2019 is replete with flying cars, extreme pollution, and the coolest picture-scanning equipment this side of reality. Not so much depressing as it is a stark indictment of how for-granted humans take living and life itself - despite, of course, Rutger Hauer killing everything that moves. The star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Depress-o-meter says: 5

Save the Tiger (1973): Harry Stoner. Morally decayed, tax-cheater, makes an extra buck by getting clients laid... put it this way, Jack Lemmon won an Oscar. Pinned into a corner, Harry decides to burn his warehouse down to collect an insurance settlement after giving the most rapid-fire, four-minute cinematic world history lesson in, well, history. And the final scene would make Dick Cheney weep. Okay, maybe that's stretching it, but you gotto save those tigers. Depress-o-meter says: 7

Fletch (1985): "I write a column under the name Jane Doe," says Chevy Chase at the apex of his career as L.A. Times investigative reporter Irwin M. Fletcher. The one-liners roll like tumbleweeds as he tries to figure out why Otter wants to be murdered and why Norm doesn't make any money off the drugs he sells out of his burger shack on the beach. Fred "The Dorf" Dorfman. Oldsmo-buick. Matress Police. I rest my case. Depress-o-meter says: 2

Escape from L.A. (1996): Not as good as its predecessor, but ten times campier. Escape from L.A. again visits a sort-of-post-apocalyptic world where the the nation's fate (or in this case, what's left of it) rests in the hands of Snake Plisskin. This time L.A. has been separated from the mainland thanks to the "Big One" and has been relegated to a deregulated Las Vegas. Kurt Russell reprises his role with flair, but Cliff Robertson as a Christian fundmentalist President is truly eerie. He actually reminds me a lot of George W. Bush. Good bad fun. Depress-o-meter says: 2

Heat (1996): Billed as a "Los Angeles Crime Saga", Heat is a serviceable cops 'n' robbers film of the highest technical order. Robert DeNiro portrays a master theif searching for one last score before disappearing to the greener pastures of, um, New Zealand. Al Pacino is the detective who stalks him. The film is great to look at and the set-pieces are executed with cold precision. Unfortunately, too much time is wasted on useless character developement (e.g. Pacino's annoying wife, DeNiro's forced romance). Why, for example, is Natalie Portman even in the film? Mann would have been wise to adhere to the nuts and bolts approach he took with Thief, a film that touches on many of the same themes but doesn't get bogged down in them by keeping it stripped down and centered around the trade/craft of burglary. Despite these flaws, the cornerstone of this film, the bank robbery scene, is epic: Italian suits, automatic weapons, Brian Eno soundtrack, and the longest, frenzied shoot-out ever recorded on film. Depress-o-meter says: 5

To Live & Die In L.A. (1985): Secret Service agents track master counterfeiter after said counterfeiter offs fellow agent. William Petersen is awesome as agent Richard Chance, played sarcastically with a streak of Harry Callahan. Unfortunately for Dick, he takes a shotgun spread to the face about three-quarters into the film, leaving the audience with no more protagonist - the ulitmate trick that went over like a lead balloon with the studio. The DVD contains an alternate ending preferred by the studio execs that is, seriously, one of the worst things The Cupcake has ever seen — how do you survive a shotgun to the face? Why would there be a secret service station in the middle of nowhere on a mountain top in Alaska? Great use of L.A., especially the rush hour chase going the wrong way on the freeway. Depress-o-meter says: 7