Satire: An Unabridged List Of People Who Watched The Pro Bowl
Published February 12, 2008
That sound you heard of two pins dropping? That was the ratings spike the NFL enjoyed as their tropical All-Star masquerade, the Pro Bowl, received its highest ratings since the year 2000. That means 2008 was a benchmark for this century. The league can now boast viewership never before seen since 9/11, as well as a blueprint to success from which the NFL can only further profit.
Don't believe the NFL improved their ratings? But we have visual proof this happened.
Now that the family of NFL Pro Bowl television fans has ballooned to a hefty 11 — and we're not talking about ratings shares — it's about time we get to know them all:
Karl Traczyk — Spokane, Washington
Compulsive gambler who tries to compensate for his NFL regular season losses by going heavy on prop bets. Tanked it this year on the Neilsen ratings over/under for the first time since 2000.
Geoffrey Beitel — Elmira, New York
His sister was a cheerleader in the halftime show. He was unable to locate her on the telecast.
Marc Giarrusso — Los Angeles
Professional awards show seat filler.
Jim Pendergrast — Waynesburg, Pennsylvania
In love with Steelers Pro Bowl tackle Alan Faneca. Like, literally in love. Sorts-through-his-garbage in love.
Ryan Krantz — Coshocton, Ohio
Did a live blog for his sports blog, Ryan's Rowdy Rantz. The live blog makes no mention of the latter part of the third quarter or any of the fourth.
Erick and Joanne Spearing, Texarkana, Arkansas
Police were dispatched to the Spearing residence after reports of a domestic disturbance. The Spearings are notorious in the neighborhood for losing the remote control, then arguing about whose fault it was.
Colleen Joslin — Maryville, Missouri
Women's Studies major at Northwest Missouri State. Having heard about the Super Bowl, she watched this game in an honest attempt to see what all the fuss over football was about. Is now turned off from football forever, and is now slightly bi-curious.
Akili Smith — San Diego, California
Every year he notes the winner of the game MVP and mails them a free subscription to a porn magazine. Unless, of course, it's Jeff Garcia.
Toby Elliott — Mount Vernon, Illinois
Five-year-old cancer patient who was promised by Bears kick returner Devin Hester that he would score a touchdown in the Pro Bowl. Uh-oh.
Name Unknown — Phoenix, Arizona
Has been dead for perhaps five years. Left the TV on.
NOTE: All names and biographies are fictitious, so if this really does describe you then you might want to strengthen your Internet firewall, now shouldn't you?
Matt Sussman is the sports editor of BC Magazine and also writes for Deadspin, SPORTSbyBROOKS, The Futon Report, and the Toledo Free Press. Catch him Mondays and Fridays at 8 p.m. ET with asst. sports editor Tuffy on Treehouse Fort, the official show of BC Sports. E-mail sports-related inquiries (or inquiry-related sports, such as full-contact Twenty Questions) to matt.sussman@blogcritics.org.
- Satire: An Unabridged List Of People Who Watched The Pro Bowl
- Published: February 12, 2008
- Type: Satire
- Section: Sports
- Filed Under: Sports: Football (American), Video: Sports
- Writer: Matthew T. Sussman
- Matthew T. Sussman's BC Writer page
- Matthew T. Sussman's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
I'm hesitant to believe Peter King knows how to set up a single TiVo, let alone five.
Then again, if he had difficulty with it, he'd have written an NFL column about it.
Nice :)
Alan Faneca? Ha! He wishes.
I had fun watching it. A no pressure, no blitz game..........
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When the DVR numbers come in next week, this number will climb to 16 as Peter King had five TiVos set to record the game in case four of them failed. After all, it could be Brett Favre's last game.