Travels in Scientology - Part One
Published February 11, 2008
“In fact, I think my inability to conjure notable moments of my present and/or history has caused me the most stress I’ve felt in many months. This test is awakening numerous dormant ulcers in me right now as we speak!”
But rather than attend to my deteriorating health, she lunges onto the next point.
“Have you ever heard of Dianetics?”
“Sure have,” I answer.
“What do you know of it?” she probes.
“It’s like the Scientology bible…essentially.”
At that she departs the table, muttering fleeting words, words rudely discarded from their sentence stronghold – something about a book, one unsealed, through which I can browse unobstructed.
The moment allows me a brief reflection on the test. Besides the pseudo-scientific instrumentation and the sheer silliness of one’s own interaction with it, the chief objective is clear: identify and isolate weakness, push to the forefront hardship, highlight loss and other catalysts for unhappiness. The technique effectively preys on chinks in the spirit – self-worth and comfort eroded by death, illness, social dispute, financial quandaries. The susceptible are immediately targeted, questions spoken softly dredge up morsels of information on which to pounce.
She gallops back to me, Hubbard’s tome in her hand.
“Take a look at that.”
I receive it as she runs through the sales pitch, a monotone stream of slogans and promises. Even my browsing becomes subject to her dictate, gliding hands impelling me to suffer sight of the ‘Goals of Man’ section.
“And what is the goal?” I enquire impudently.
“I know, but you’ll need to buy it to find out.”
“Can’t you just tell me?” I retort, insolence gaining magnitude. “Would it perhaps have anything to do with self-fulfilment and happiness and other such items?”
“Buy it and find out. Look here, even has a glossary.”
The glossary was packed with words exorcised of their original meaning, gifted new connotations more compatible with Scientology’s belief system, whatever that may be…
The representative stares at me as I look into its folds. Sighting something, my focus unambiguously ensnared in the glossary, she gives me a perplexed expression. I then point out the word ‘loony’, nestling in the deep reaches of the glossary, pausing for a moment’s poignancy.
The limelight of mocking ostentation becomes quickly shut off as she now guides me inside to see the Duke and watch a video.
- Travels in Scientology - Part One
- Published: February 11, 2008
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Religion, Culture: Personal History, Culture: Humor and Satire, Culture: Society
- Writer: Aaron Fleming
- Aaron Fleming's BC Writer page
- Aaron Fleming's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
No offense meant, but if you take your peas and place them in a nice, neat row, your communication will become more clear. Other than communicating distrust for all things religious, very little comes through. For example, Christianity is based on the idea that God sent his son (allegedly his only son) to Earth as a sort of representative.
Sir Bicho, thank you very much. I'm very glad you enjoyed it.
Anonymous - Admittedly, having two voices telling a tale in segments is going to be a bit disorientating initially, but i hope that perhaps it becomes a touch easier to follow things after the first or second "break". With regards the crux of the whole affair, most likely it'll become that bit clearer with the publication, on wedensday, of the second (and concluding) installment. Christianity is about a lot more, I'd go ahead and posit, than the idea of Christ as God's incarnation / son / representative. There's a lot goin' on in those texts, and a good bit of time is spent in the 2nd slab discussing it, and discussing also the ins and outs of scientology and its philosophy. Consider this a scene-setter, i suppose.
Also, it was purely by accident that this happened to be published on the same day that protests are erupting left and right with regards Scientology and its motives. The last thing either I or, I'm sure, Sir Fleming want is to join in on a witch-hunt, however devious the trickeries of those witches may be.
tL:dR. Begin = ++good. Language = ungood
Satirical, fictional story involving the Co$ = pricele$$
Duke, it is such a pleasure to have your filthy words adorning these pages, I feel I could burst. Your partnership with the Flemster elevates both of your efforts to new heights. I do eagerly await with anticipation the hilarity sure to come in part deux.
And fear not for the Anons and $atires of the world. I'm sure that they will enjoy this essay as they become more familiar with your style and are let down from the tenterhooks on which they are now suspended.
Great stuff. Tag team BS detection. Looking forward to the next installment.
Thanks everyone for the comments.
El B - as much as you tempt with your words of encouragement, I will never give up the dream of dropping from high places assorted pipes - pipes long and short, thick and thin, metal and plastic, perforated and intact...the dream burns on.
Anonymous - indeed, as the Duke says, the impending part two should provide more the type of peas that should please your eyes.
I'm with Anonymous. A lotta highfallutin' language I'm not sure you thunk up too good made it hard to unnerstann. I think it was about some-a those people who Just Say No To Drugs. with Old Mother Hubbard.
Mr Winn, it feels very good to be back about the place, and i'm very glad you enjoyed our romping about. Duane - "tag team BS detection"... that is beautiful, sir.
Ostrova - I'm very sorry you didn't like it. Part two has lots of talk about i needed to take a poo, if that's any consolation.
Masterful!
Rumor has it that at a scifi convention, Heinlein and Hubbard debated the concept of creating a "new" religion and a challenge was issued.
Heinlein wrote Stranger In A Strange Land and Hubbard wrote Dianetics.
Frankly, I'm wishing some one would come along and teach me to speak Martian.
I'm really looking forward to part 2!
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Wonderful read. Writing seems a better use of both your talents rather than dropping pipes in the wee hours o' the morn. I am looking forward to the next installment unless the impending court-ordered injunction makes its way quickly through The Hague.