Washington Wizards - 100 hugs a day from Abe Pollin to Gilbert Arenas in return for Arenas picking up his player option for 2008-09.

Western Conference

Dallas Mavericks - Clipper Darrell, Morganna the kissing bandit, Up with People, and Emmett Kelly III to the Mavericks in return for not having so much damned pressure on Dirk to win a game in June.

Houston Rockets - Skip to my Lou to the Clippers for Clementine.

Memphis Grizzlies - A pre-paid shipping box to Michael Heisley to put the team in and a bag of packing peanuts. If Michael drops that box in the mail with "TO: LAS VEGAS" on the front, Oscar Goodman will send his two favorite showgirls back.

New Orleans Hornets - 100 tickets earmarked for FEMA director R. David Paulison in return for receiving permission to tell the city of New Orleans that the Hornets came back years ago.

San Antonio Spurs - Robert Horry for anyone in the league too young to remember the Ford administration.

Denver Nuggets - Chucky Atkins to Neverland in return for a hyperbaric chamber to seal Marcus Camby in until the playoffs.

Minnesota Timberwolves - Mark Madsen will make a special appearance on NCIS as "Crazy Dancing Murder Suspect #2" in return for getting Don Bellisario to write an episode of Quantum Leap where Sam leaps into Antoine Walker for the remainder of his contract. Also, Ziggy becomes general manager.

Portland Trail Blazers - Cash considerations to Greyhound in return for a one-way ticket for Darius Miles to anywhere else.

Seattle SuperSonics - Clay Bennett to Siberia in return for... well, y'know, anything you've got lying around you don't really want there in Siberia.

Utah Jazz - Best they can do is try to get in on that Seattle deal as a three-way and maybe get Andrei Kirilenko's binky sent back from Russia so he's not so petulant anymore.

Golden State Warriors - Baron Davis brokers a movie deal for Chris Webber in LA, but filming starts immediately and doesn't end until June.

Los Angeles Clippers - Cuttino Mobley to Houston for Bonzi Wells and Mike James. Okay, this doesn't help either team much, but I hate to see a love denied.

Los Angeles Lakers - Vladimir Radmanovic, Sasha Vujacic, Chris Mihm, Derek Fisher, Trevor Ariza, and cash for Jason Kidd. David Stern would like to remind Rod Thorn that he still has pictures from the Christmas party. Rod will remember the one. Yes.

Phoenix Suns - A do-over from the Miami Heat if Steve Kerr's mom makes her famous oatmeal chocolate chunk cookies.

Sacramento Kings - A letter of apology to all Kings fans in return for permission from David Stern to rejoin the NBA next season.