Artistic skill is something Grace seems to have acquired from her mother; I never moved beyond pencil sketches. Much of Grace comes from her mother, which is one of the most interesting things about parenting: I am responsible for the care of someone almost completely alien to me. Right now she is a combination of inherent personality traits that are probably genetic, habits and character traits she has developed as a result of our parenting choices, and pure randomness, or as near as makes no difference. She's a product of nature, nurture, and culture, all three working together to produce someone both familiar and unpredictable. I'm proud of my daughter, even though much of her has little to do with me!

Now she has spent a decade on this earth observing us, learning from us, and seeing our successes and failures as well as how we respond to both. At ten, she is developing some interests that are entirely her own, some of them because they're entirely her own, as a way to express independence from us. Yet she still depends on us for nearly everything, and hasn't begun to push against that — though I see the seeds already.

I know a girl with much in common with my daughter. She is 17, and her father is concerned. He thinks she isn't taking her college application process seriously enough. She accuses him of trying to micro-manage her life. I see that pattern unfolding in my own house, and I wonder: to avoid repeating this, do I wander into another trap? When did parenting begin to have so much in common with a minefield?

When a healthy baby is born in the United States, most people see unlimited potential. We usually cannot conceive of that child as a criminal, so we imagine lofty heights and great accomplishments. In truth, very few rise to that level, and quite a few end up exercising their potential in ways that hurt others. Most babies turn out to be like you and me, living lives worth living but not necessarily studying for centuries. Every choice that child and that child's parents make contribute something to the person that child will eventually be. We recognize this truth at some level at birth, but the full weight of it settles in over time, as we see our choices take effect.