I Am Not A Prude
Published January 25, 2008
I swear I'm not. I have a great sense of humor. Sure, something has to be either pretty clever or very unexpected to get a big belly laugh out of me, but my funny bone is intact. I'll laugh at anyone's quick wit. In addition, I am not above making and/or responding to sexual jokes, jests and pranks. However, I saw my first pair of bumper balls today and I have been in shock ever since.
Bumpernuts, as they are called, are trailer hitches designed to look like bull testicles. I've never looked under a bull so I can't say whether they do or they don't resemble the bovine sac. But I can tell you they certainly do resemble a man's scrotum.
A good friend of mine who I respect and admire told me about these several months ago. I had never seen "a set" so he sent me a picture via his cell phone. In those olden days (a year ago), cell phone cameras sucked (pardon that expression here), so I did not get a very good picture and it was not close enough for me to really see it. Them. Whatever. Still, he was guffawing and so I chuckled along with him. I never gave them another thought. Until today.
I went to a gas station this afternoon. While pumping my car full of gas, calculating the peanut butter I'd be feeding my kids to pay for said gas and daydreaming that dinner would be ready when I got home, something moving on the truck in front of me caught my eye. Oh. Dear. Lord. It's a pair of testicles gently swinging in the breeze. The driver of the pickup gets out, yanks the hose off the gas pump, jams it into the gas tank and begins to pump. I know. I hear the sexual imagery, too. Most of it is unintended I assure you.
With every quick, harsh movement the driver makes, the testes sway ever so gently. To and fro. To and fro. It's mesmerizing. They are deeply veined. They are flesh toned. I am torn between wanting to cradle them in my hands and wanting to run screaming from this universe.
- I Am Not A Prude
- Published: January 25, 2008
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Society
- Writer: Alexandria Jackson
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Thanks Dawn!
Wow, i live in rural southwestern Minnesota, and i have not seen the bumper balls yet -- must admit, i think it is more than a little crass to have such things displayed on one's vehicle, good lord, there are limits to car adornments, aren't there??
Glad my children are grown and i won't hafta explain what the heck that is danglin' from sum guy's pickup trailer hitch!!!
You'd think there would be limits, wouldn't you? Even now, I have a friend planning "bumper boobs" because he thinks it is a swell idea. I guess I need to move to rural southwestern Minnesota....
Whatever will be next? Boobs on the bumper?
well, almost!
You should have seen what was in the front of the car!
Balls on a bumper or a penis on the fender, there's a vas deferens between the two.
speaking as an average male, (i think) i can faithfully promise you that you will never see any image of genitalia, male, female, human or animal "decorating" any part of any vehicle i own or control.
"gunner"
What a load of bollocks :)
I think that the idea originated with truckers. I remember seeing them years ago dangling from the ICC bumpers of livestock trailers. Back then they were simply a couple of walnuts in a little burlap sack. The nickname for livestock haulers among truckers is "Bull Hauler" and hence the walnuts in a bag (aka nutsack).
Another common trucker joke is for drivers that pull refrigerated trailers (which haul a lot of processed meat) to hang a rubber chicken from the small vent door in the back of the trailer.
Another is a sticker or painted message on the back of garbage trailers which says something like "Honk for a sample".
Truckers? I wanna party with them! They sound like a barrel of great times! Rubber chickens! That's great!
The paint job is tricky to pick out, which is better. I will say this, I sincerely doubt bulls have color under!
Some cowboy knows the answer to that I'll bet....
Some things in life are just unnecessary. This is a hilarious post, Alexandria.
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That was brilliant and I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Subtle humor is a lost art form these days.
Great post!