Satire: Lidocaine For The Soul
Published January 04, 2008
Much like a glacier finding a jet pack, Roger Clemens' wave of silence on being named in the Mitchell Report has suddenly turned into a cavalcade of damage control. He's using the media vessels known as YouTube and 60 Minutes, effectively covering his ADHD and AARP fan bases.
His embedded blurry video began the defense with a flat-out denial of using steroids, human growth hormone, or being shot up in the buttocks by his trainer. (When you can say "buttocks" in an article, you do. Frequently.) His sit-down with Mike Wallace elaborated the denial, saying he was injected, but with B-12 vitamins and the pain killer Lidocaine. I love the B-12 injection story. Always have. It's as if baseball players aren't aware that these come in pill form.
But in all seriousness [snerk], Clemens has yet to be proven guilty of any HGH consumption. Which is why I'll help clear his name with a song. Sing it to yourself, to the tune of "Novocaine For The Soul" by The Eels.
♬ Pitching's hard
And so am I
You better give me something
From your supply
♬ Lidocaine for the soul
Before I strike 'im out
Before I strike 'im out
♬ I was thin
But now I'm fat
Goddamn Manny Ramirez
Is up to bat
Oh my trainer, inject me here
Before I strike 'im out
Before I strike 'im out
Guess who's interviewed
By the great undead
This 60 Minutes song is fucking with my head
Once again
Life is good
And I feel great
Cause vitamin shots helped
This ERA
♬ Lidocaine for the soul
You better give me something
(Stanozolol?)
Before I strike 'im out
Before I strike 'im out
Matt Sussman is the sports editor of BC Magazine and also writes for Deadspin, SPORTSbyBROOKS, The Futon Report, and the Toledo Free Press. Catch him Mondays and Fridays at 8 p.m. ET with asst. sports editor Tuffy on Treehouse Fort, the official show of BC Sports. E-mail sports-related inquiries (or inquiry-related sports, such as full-contact Twenty Questions) to matt.sussman@blogcritics.org.
- Satire: Lidocaine For The Soul
- Published: January 04, 2008
- Type: Satire
- Section: Sports
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Music: Alternative Rock, Sports: Baseball
- Writer: Matthew T. Sussman
- Matthew T. Sussman's BC Writer page
- Matthew T. Sussman's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Great song! I watched his performance on 60 Minutes. He is so earnest, it's easy to believe him innocent. I WANT to believe in him. Sadly, I do not. One question I had: He made a big deal about no one being able to prove that he brought his own syringes for the steroid shots in the buttocks. Do those differ from the syringes he brought for the B-12/Lidocaine shots? Are steroid shots the only ones where you are required to BYOS?
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Build a little lidocaine in your soul? I don't get you crazy kids.