A bowl of spaghetti, and then the fruit pie and cupcakes from the Hostess bag. All of that in my stomach, I wondered if I should throw up. Revert back to that bulimic state I dealt with not that long ago and became a bit of a problem at the tail end of the 100 Days blog.

But I knew that wouldn’t happen. I’m past that. No need for it anymore. Instead I am left to wonder what this all means.

I could call it a momentary lapse in judgment, just something I have to work on curbing in the future. But that might be too easy a solution. What if this was something inside me that will never really be conquered. I’ll never stop wanting to binge. And honestly, I don’t know if I will ever stop binging.

Honestly, there is only thing about this that truly scares me: The fact that I couldn’t make it past Day 3. I had bad days during the 100 Days. In fact, I averaged about one every week. But after every single one of them, I knew I would be right back on the diet the next day. I was 100 percent sure each time. There was no doubt about it.

But three days in? There is no backbone there. I haven’t even settled into this yet. At this point, I need to know that I have the willpower. If this had happened on Day 15 after 14 near perfect days, then I’d be fine with it. But as it is, I had Sunday scheduled as an off day, because of the press box rule (I came up with that in college. I am a sports writer, so the rule says that I can eat anything served in a press box free of charge. Sunday I am covering the Raiders vs. Chargers, which means free brunch. I accept it because I am poor and the food is excellent.). So I already had a scheduled off day in 48 hours. And I couldn’t wait that long. I lost four pounds in the first 48 hours of this diet, so why didn’t I care enough to see what 72 hours would have done for me?

But you know, maybe I have this figured out now.

I don’t think this is some sort of doomsday sign. I don’t think this one fuck up means I should stop this whole thing. But what it means is that this really is a bigger struggle than I expected. It’s not a switch I can just turn on and off, like I thought I could.