I was full after the cereal. There is no doubt about that. My stomach didn’t need more food; my mind didn’t want more food. But my mouth wanted to taste something more, was sick of lean meats and fat free cereals, wanted no part of vegetables and fruit and whole wheat bread. It wanted something sweet, something greasy, something that will stick around a little longer and make the night a little warmer.

So I paced the house, wondering what I should do, mind games speaking in the voice of hunger. I thought about my Day 2 post and how I stood tall in front of readers and haughtily talked down to everyone about how it’s all about choices, about the option to do or not do. But my urges were growing and I was a total and complete fraud. I couldn’t control it. That’s the worst part. I felt like I had no power over these urges. There was nothing I could do to reverse them. My mind lost the total control it enjoyed for two days. On the third, it just spiraled out of control.

It was 11 p.m. and I was struggling with the choice between Burger King, Taco Bell, leftover spaghetti from the roommate or nothing. Nothing was the dark horse. It never had a chance. The other three were pumped up and neck and neck at the finish line.

As the race continued it became obvious that I was going to have compromise with myself. I checked the fridge and saw a grocery bag full of hostess products my other roommate brought home tonight. I had refused them earlier. Now they were calling for me. I grabbed a fruit pie and a package of yellow cupcakes, looked at them hard and put them back in the bag. The compromise would be Burger King, which sports a decent garden burger that’s not bad for you if you don’t get mayo.

In my car at 11:15, down at the Burger King a few minutes later, I forget to order no mayo. It never actually crossed my mind to order no mayo. In fact, I forgot there was even mayo on that sandwich. Came home, turned out the lights, started up a movie, unwrapped the burger and tasted that mayo before anything else. The compromise had gone to shit, but the mayo tasted great.

So I finished the burgers, and still wanted more. It was an insatiable feeling I haven’t had since my peak weight of 370. There was no rationalization, but there was no talking myself out of it either. I just felt like I didn’t have control.