I sit here now at 1:14 a.m., Pacific Time, wondering if I am wasting everyone’s time by doing this.

Two days, four pounds. Then, on the night of the third day, it all just goes to shit.

I sit here and wonder if I truly can be an inspiration to anyone, no matter what I’ve done or how I’ve done it. I am what I am right now, and there is nothing inspirational about that.

As you might guess, there was a fairly major fuck up on the diet Friday night. It’s something to be concerned about, but as of the time of this writing, I am still trying to figure out what it all means.

Maybe by the end of this writing, I’ll have it figured out. Maybe I’ll just give up altogether a wait for my body to expand itself back to 370 pounds. Maybe I’ll have it all solved if I just write my way to the end of this entry.

Am I being overly dramatic? In one sense, yes. But in another, I need to take an early screw up this hard, because in order for this diet to work it has to be the most important thing in my life. There can’t be anything above it. Everything must be done with calories and fat and portion size taunting me in the back of my mind. It’s the only way I know how to do it.

So no, I am not being overly dramatic in that sense. In fact, I am trying simply to prioritize. Actually, I am trying to figure out where this diet truly exists in my priorities. I can shuffle it to the top, past the trying to get a girlfriend and getting a better job, and try to make the thing I want most. But I have to know that it really is the most important thing to me. That’s how it works. And a severe fuck up on the third day raises some serious concerns.

So you want to know what happened? It’s nothing too crazy, really. But I was doing fine on Friday, enjoying a day off from work, from working out, and just relaxing and watching a few bowl games. I decided to go grocery shopping, and spent a health $100 with no notable happenings.

I got home and had a Subway Club for dinner, but decided I wanted more. I opened a bag of pretzels and ate about three servings. I still wanted more. I had a heaping bowl of cereal with too much skim milk. I realized the beginnings of a binge, and tried to turn into the skid by sticking with my guideline of binging on healthy things.