Gulp, after receiving a threatening and anonymous (Sussman) phone call in the middle of the night lest I “sleep with the dingos” (what the hell does that mean?), I decided to prepare an NHL Christmas report card.

Let's begin with teams who have played Naughty:

The Pittsburgh Penguins forgot that hype has to be matched with actually winning. (Yes, I did think they would do better. Move on. I have.) Is it me or has anyone noticed that Jordan Staal has only three goals? We know he’s young, but he’s curled right back into the fetus position. Don’t mean to pick on him since the problems seem a little bigger than him but hey, I’m not here to be his “friend.” Actually, the only thing Marc-Andre Fleury and his .902 save percentage (33rd in the league) is proving he can do is lead the Pens to Antarctica. I’m still waiting for one of those famous Michel Terrien meltdowns.

With Giants QB Eli Manning playing like a Muppet, the Yankees dealing with a couple of Mitchell Report rejects in Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte, and the Knicks one step removed from being parodied on Law & Order, the great metropolis looked to the New York Rangers to salvage its sports pride. Scott Gomez and Chris Drury have realized they are in indeed in another part of the state now and the team has been playing better lately. Too late; Santa already wrapped fruit cake.

The Tampa Bay Lightning play in an obscure hockey city, but that doesn’t mean they need to play that way. Relative to the talent, the only surge of voltage this bunch has shown are the 60-watt light bulbs in the dressing room bathrooms.* Vinny Lecavalier leads the league in scoring with 23 goals and 53 points.

The botox injections the Philadelphia Flyers underwent has yet to take full effect. This team should be killing teams, er well, literally speaking they have been as they lead the league in the wrong category: suspensions. Mike Richards is a wonderful player who is having a great year; but 12 years? Man, what’s with the marriage-like contracts? First, the Isles offer a 15-year deal to Rick DiPietro and now this.

Yeah, yeah no Scott Niedermayer, no Teemu Selanne. No leaders. Stanley Cup hang over. Boo-blah-hoo-blah-hoo. If the Anaheim Ducks play had a taste, it would be foie gras. Expect them to wake up but they sent in their list to Santa too late.