Unfortunately, Florida State has found its moral compass between the seat cushions of Jenn Sterger's Jetta just before its Music City Bowl appearance on New Year's Eve. After a dismal 7-5 record, the loss of 36 players (and rising) due to misconduct or "injuries" caps off a season Florida State fans would soon like to forget. (In only this sense, they wish they were more like Bobby Bowden.)

However, the show must always go on in Nashville. Television contracts have been signed and it doesn't terribly matter whose bodies are abused as long as the proud Seminole glares out from their chests during the run onto the field. (After this, every Florida State fan will black out from alcohol poisoning. It's another case where tradition saves the day.)

Therefore, a call has gone out to everyone with NCAA football eligibility remaining, from 18-77 (so Bowden is still older than his players). If you ever wanted to play in a bowl game and collect a free fleece, now's your chance to become a real-life football player (and get paid like one!).

Fortunately, Tuffy's Testing Service (makers of obscure one-off tests since 2006) has the market cornered on screening potential football players needed for one bowl game. Below is Version B12 of the screening exam as an example of what TTS can offer you, Bobby Bowden, in your hour of need.

Florida State NCAA Football Eligibility Exam

(can be taken online)

Name:
Location:
Alibi Contact Information:

Short answer:
1) Do you have NCAA eligibility left? (If unsure, reply "yes".)
2) Please fill in your measurements here. (Genitalia size is unnecessary; you'll be a college football player, where it won't matter anymore.)
3) How fast can you run 40 yards? (Yes, all at one time.)
4) What is your primary position? ("On the couch" is not a football position. Also, no one thinks your ability to list the contents of the Kama Sutra is impressive.)
5) Do you understand that "Rudy" was just a movie and most of that was made up? If not, do you at least understand that being a hobbit is not a benefit to your football career?
6) Can you identify Bobby Bowden's sons by sight? If so, do you know how to keep them away from the playcalling headset?
7) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to Bobby Bowden when he forgets to breathe?
8) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to a co-ed that didn't?
9) In one paragraph, write about how you are smarter than every college football coach out there (except Coach Bowden) and how you proved it while watching a game one Saturday in 2003.
10) Briefly describe the injury to your knee/shoulder/back that kept you from competing beyond high school football and joining the NFL. If you are over 35, it is expected you will mention how this injury helps you push your male children beyond the breaking point so they "learn how to compete like I did."

Multiple choice:
11) What is your major?

a) kinesiology
b) sports management
c) physical education
d) Nelson

12) When someone mentions Tim Tebow, do you...

a) whimper?
b) growl?
c) convert?
d) shrug 'cause that ain't got nothin' to do with my NFL career?

13) What happens when someone offers you cash to "help with expenses, like food and books and a 2006 Lincoln Navigator"?

a) Take the money from the nice old man.
b) Turn it down indignantly.
c) Request the money be laundered through a job as a night watchman at the Florida State Cultural Center (clearly a fake organization)
d) Ask the person offering if they are Josh Peter. (Proof: make him write Yahoo without the exclamation point; employees can't resist their orientation shock training and will write the ! just as sure as Roger Rabbit will add his two bits to "shave and a haircut".)

14) Where the white women at?

a) Holla!
b) Boca Raton
c) Heavens, how crude!
d) Are they at the Rays game with Will Carroll?

15) If you are caught cheating, what will your cover story be?

a) This chain of facts about 19th century Russian literature on my arm are gang tattoos - straight Zhivago, Holmes.
b) The 'academic tutor' was not giving me the answers - it was the ancient Seminole god of essay writing, Madeupto.
c) "Classes"?
d) Ow, I hurt my thing; I can't play anymore. May I please have cash now for going quietly?

16) What's the curfew? When should you be in bed asleep?

a) 9 pm
b) midnight
c) ha ha; funny
d) kickoff against Clemson

17) Can you pass a drug test?

a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Will an academic tutor be available to assist me?
d) Only if Major League Baseball is administering it.

18) What will you do if invited to Nashville for the Music City Bowl?

a) Try to meet the famous math professor that founded the town.
b) Wear my jersey to every bar I can find before the game.
c) Study; I have four months of classes to catch up on. When is the Music City Bowl History test?
d) I can provide a list of seven strip clubs within 10 blocks of the team hotel upon request.

19) How will Florida State deal with the NCAA penalties if you are found ineligible?

a) sober reflection
b) self-reporting and penalties to ward off the NCAA bogeyman
c) make it snow, Miami-style
d) Bobby Bowden considers every flight of stairs a potential death penalty already

20) Do you have the will to win?

a) Yes.
b) YES.
c) #### YES!!!!!!!
d) Do I get a second fleece if we win?

Essay:
Describe in great detail the recruiting visit you theoretically received from Bobby Bowden that encouraged you to attend Florida State. It is required to call him "animated", "colorful", and "persuasive". You will be disqualified if you mention gifts, promises of playing time, or how he trailed off mid-sentence and stared into space for fifteen minutes before his "recruiting assistant" wiped the drool from his face and declared the visit over while rolling him out of your home.