Yes yes... key of A major. Mezzo forte, please. Eyes forward, everyone, and hold those nachos high. It's time to celebrate bowl season in the only way we know: bloated comedy conceits.

And a one and a two and...

On the first day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the second day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me two student-athletes suspended for the game after an unfortunate incident involving a kiddie swimming pool filled with hurricanes, a rudimentary understanding of the concept of 'impromptu swimming suits', and the Times-Picayune Webcams at the New Orleans Bowl and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the third day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me three convenient excuses to blow off Christmas shopping for family, two suspended student-athletes, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the fourth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me four state of Hawaii court-mandated booth shots of Terry Gannon and David Norrie in loud floral print shirts, three convenient excuses to blow off family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the fifth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me five chances to nap away the bloated excesses of the previous day during the always-thrilling Motor City Bowl! Four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the sixth day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me six chances to laugh at kinesiology majors until it becomes clear that's totally a legitimate way to trick co-eds into "studying all night for my final" and then cracking open another beer in disgust, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.

On the seventh day of bowl season, the bowl system gave to me seven "deez nuts" Emerald Bowl jokes from Boston College fans that really only seem funny after a day of slovenly drinking through their 97th annual "could have been" bowl appearance a few hours before, six kinesiology majors, five boredom-induced naps!, four looks at loudass shirts, three convenient excuses to ignore the family, two student-athletes suspended, and a Ute in a San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia 'tree'.