"Sir, do you use your phone for voice service?"

My incredulous response: "Can you please repeat?"

Them: "Do you make or receive calls from your phone?"

I begin to feel that I might be in a parallel universe where the purpose of a cellular phone was somehow different! Anyway, after much plodding, I am assured there was a mistake and they will credit my account, etc. etc.

I ask: "Should I just go ahead and pay the balance to ensure that my account will be valid?"

Response: "Not required. We will fix this matter. Call us back in a couple of days and we'll see." End of call.

Ten minutes later, my cellphone service has been...you guessed it — Disconnected! I call back from another phone and try to explain the situation.

Response: "Sir, your phone has been disconnected due to non-payment. Unless you pay the amount in full we cannot restore the service. Of course, there is an additional charge of $36 to restore your service!"

I tried to reason with her, and got this response: "As a one time courtesy to you we will remove the $36 connection charge, but you must pay the balance in full!"

I ask to speak to a manager or supervisor, who tells me more of the same but then I'm forced to pay half of the balance to get my service back. Apparently they will apply the credits in due course and everything will be adjusted.

Then comes the best part of the whole incident. As I'm waiting for the half payment to go through, the supervisor tells me,

"Sir, we are not charging you the $36 fee as a one-time courtesy only! In the future, if you are disconnected, you must pay that fee."

Me: "You do realise that this happened because your people made a mistake?"

Her: "Sir, I do realise, but I am warning you that in the future this should not reoccur from your side."

Me: "But you still do realise that it wasn't my fault and that your people messed up?"

Her: "Sir, I understand, but I'm just laying the ground rules and expectations for future dealings!" (Who speaks like this in real life???)

Me (in exasperation mixed with an attempt to not laugh into the phone, while trying hard and somewhat succeeding to keep my voice even): "OK, now I am laying the groundwork hoping that your people will not screw up my bill and then charge me for it, cancel my service and attempt to charge me for reconnecting it — while it was the fault of your personnel all the time!"