Hmm... what I'm wondering is, what made you agree to go out with a guy who "asked me again and again how voluptuous I was"? Doesn't that immediately scream "shallow?"

Elvira, I'm surprised you invited this guy up to your apartment for your first meeting. I'd think that Starbuck's, or even your local watering hole, would've been a safer choice.

Hey Jon:

Yes, yes, I know, I know...but this is just the tip of the iceberg here. It was my first date in many a year, I was a little unsure of myself, flattered, etc. I guess you learn from your mistakes...and hopefully live to write about them.

Lisa:
Yes, I suppose you're right...but we were supposed to go out, he showed up late, and the security in my coop is without parallel, so if I had trouble I think I could have gotten him outta there (or else I could always have thrown him out the 17th floor window or have the cats scratch his leering eyes out).

The thing that really irked me no end was the coming empty handed schtick...and it wasn't the only guy who pulled this crapola. But I got even in my own way...

I'd go for you Elvira, if I wasn't married - just on the strength of your personality.

The problem is, how in fuck's name would we understand each other? Imagine the speed dating? After five minutes, you'd be scratching your head, going: "What the fuck did that guy just say?"

It takes years to learn to speak Australian, and the opposite side of the coin: I just don't know if I could live a country where they drive on the wrong side of the bloody road, where everyone tells you to have a nice day even when they'd love it if you jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and where you can't go to the beach on Christmas Day wuthout turning into an iceberg.

My recommendation Elvira (for what it's worth): if you want unreconstructed males and are sick of metrosexual wankers amd total loonies, move to Australia.

We love Americans down here, and at least with the blokes here, what you see is exactly what you get. :)

Elvira,

Can I give you a bit of advice? It's the kind of thing I would say to my sister, if she were young enough (she is old enough to be my mother). You are young enough to be a younger sister.

So, sis. Leave the guys be. You don't need them. Give yourself a year to settle your mind and decide what you do not need in "prince less than charming" - because getting any guy will involve settling for less than prince charming - a lot less.

Once you've gotten yourself mentally balanced, you can decide where you really want to live, and if you want to be an expat, you will have to make adjustments accordingly. Having done that, then you worry about whether you even want to bother with whatever variety of meat market is out there for your male shopping.

And then, bear in mind that people are package deals - so, if you have a couple of kilos extra that month, that is part of your package, along with the cigarettes. The packages you are seeking will have similar features....

I'm inclined to agree with Ruve here ... give yourself some time to be Elvira. Please don't think me presumptuous, but I have some advice and you can take it leave it.

One of the worst things you can do when you split with someone after a long relationship is to go out and grab/find someone else straight off.

My tip in these situations is to go off and do the things the love doing fopr while (and I do mean more than 3.75 days). For me, that would be sitting in a good coffee bar every morning with the papers and watching the world go past (and God, knows, you're spoilt for choice in NYC), surfing my tits off (twice a day instead of once, although that might be hard in NY), buying a new motorbike/car and actually using it, listening to music that I haven't listened to for years (I split with my wife for while a few years back and downloaded every single one of my CDs on to my iPod, but I don't listen to it in public unless I don't want to be disturbed)), catching up with friends (without being a bloody pest), travelling (I've just rerurned from Portugal, followed by a trip to Thailand and another to Perth (which, although part of Australia might as well be on the other side of the Earth).


Travelling by myself took my mind off a lot of stuff, and is great for broadening the mind and would be equally great for a woman provided you were careful and didn't get too far off the beaten track. I found it very exciting, especially seeing other cultures (even Perth!)

Oh, I forgot: being an Australian bloke, getting over a relationship would also involve drinking vast quantities of beer (at least on Saturday nights) and smoking a pack a day.

In short, have some time getting to know Elvira again, which is possibly what you haven't done for a long time as you've been in a relationship for so long.

I realise how hard it is too; I've been through it.

But here's the good bit: the best people come along when you're a) least expecting it, and b) not looking for a relationship.

I used to pester one particularly good and patient mate, who suggested that just in terms of the relationship I was in, I might have been co-dependent on that relationship.

When I told him once I felt suicidal (although I had no intention of going through with it even though the sadness I was feeling was palpable), he lightened the situation up more than a bit by telling me: "The last thing a co-dependent sees when they're plunging off the Sydney Harbour Bridge ... is some other poor bastard's life flashing before their eyes."

Not saying that's how it is for you, but you get my drift about finding yourself.

I reckon online dating ain't the way to go; unless you just want to meet people and have some fun. All the best people, though, come along in the most bizarre and least-expected situations.

In my case, that wouldn't be at the MOMA or any other cultural attraction outside the cafes on Bondi Beach, but you never know in this life when the universe is going to deal you a full house or the king of hearts instead of a joker.

And remember: there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely.OK, that's the end of Silver Surfer/STM's lonely hearts advive #101.

You guys are awesome--and Silver Surfer, you're a prime example of the reason they say all of the good ones are taken. What a sweetheart you are...I will respond in more detail later, but I'm very grateful for all your comments.

I told my daughters that a first date should be for lunch or coffee during daylight because it's reasonable to be no longer than an hour and no followup is necessary.

Elvira, don't listen to these guys. Just take the following test, and all your problems will be solved.

My body type most resembles:

a) David Bowie
b) Janet Reno
c) my mother
d) Monica Bellucci

My favorite movies are

a) Japanese art cinema
b) fantasies involving orcs and goblins
c) shot on location in NYC
d) Talladega Nights, the Cannonball Run, and Gone in 60 Seconds

I would describe myself as

a) a pain in the ass
b) a boatload of fun
c) politically astute and socially conscious
d) a fabulous babe

I would love to be stuck on an elevator with:

a) Joe Piscopo
b) an Australian bloke
c) Rudy Giuliani
d) you, you stud

My favorite movies-in-bed munchie snack is

a) sesame seeds
b) vegemite on buttered toast
c) wine and cheese
d) pork rinds

A typical sexual encounter should last

a) 90 seconds
b) 95 seconds
c) two hours
d) the length of a TV commercial break during Monday night football

My favorite sexual fantasy involves

a) battery-powered devices
b) a surfer, zinc oxide, and sand
c) George Clooney and handcuffs
d) me, my man, and Monica Bellucci in the front seat of a Ford F-150

I have always wanted to visit

a) Fresno
b) Canberra
c) Paris in the springtime
d) Cooperstown, NY

My favorite cooking tip is

a) refrigerate onions before chopping
b) add a teaspoon of vegemite to gravy
c) add some cold water to egg whites
d) barbecue sauce makes everything taste better

I am most proud of my

a) jewelry collection
b) acceptance of backwards cultures
c) intelligence and wit
d) voluptuous body

My favorite outdoor activity involves

a) Frisbees
b) boomerangs
c) Cappuccino, sparkling conversation, and a waiter
d) Miller Lite, a Ford F-150, and mud

Men tell me that I am

a) a drag
b) too talkative
c) too brainy
d) voluptuous

My favorite books are

a) romance novels
b) biographies of famous Australians
c) the source of lively dinnertime conversations
d) reviewed in Sports Illustrated

My favorite singer is

a) Kanye West
b) Kylie Minogue
c) Andrea Bocelli
d) Toby Keith

I won't have sex with a man before

a) he buys me jewelry
b) I love him
c) there is mutual attraction and a bond of trust
d) he wants to

Scoring:

1 point for each (a)
2 points for each (b)
3 points for each (c)
4 points for each (d)

Results:

15-20 points: It's not so bad being alone, is it?
21-40 points: G'day!
41-59 points: So close, and yet....
60-60 points: You've hit the jackpot, baby! Give me a call.

Ruvy, my bro in arms:

Yes, everything you say makes perfect sense...in theory. My raging hormones are screaming in my other ear though...so I'm trying to listen to both common sense and lustful emotions simulataneously. I think I'm starting to come to a reasonable compromise, thank goodness...because continuing on the path I started albeit briefly would be pure madness, I tell you, madness....

Bliffle:

Once again, very sensible advice (though thing is, I'm 50 and life is short, but don't want to make it even shorter by getting myself killed lol). I think I learned a lot (or got a heavy duty refresher course) in a short period of time--kinda like reading the Cliff Notes on men-- so thankfully the mistakes I made were not lethal.

Duane:

LOL--scored a 44...

You Aussies seem to be so clever, witty and charming...is there really such a land as this? And how would Aussies stack up against Brits and other Euro types?

Why do you love American baseball and Andrea Bocelli (like, who is she, dude?) Guess you like voluptuous though, you devil you. Who's paying' for this long flight though...sure you don't want to meet in Cooperstown?

Elvira,

OK, post-test debrief. The test was carefully designed to determine whether you should leave NYC for Australia (21-40). Clearly, since you landed in Category 3, you're a New Yorker at heart.

And yet, you're not that far above the Aussie cutoff. So, talk to STM or Silver Surfer (one and the same, I think, but maybe not) a bit more before you set off for the bottom hemisphere. Oh, I'm not Australian, by the way.

A trip to Sydney with a friend might be good. Keep clear of the moors ... wait ... no, wrong country. Very nice people, at least the ones I've dealt with. Unassuming, straightforward, engaging, often funny as all hell. What more do you need than that and some chemistry?

Duane, that was a clever little test. Yes, I wondered if STM and Silver Surfer were one and the same too...and where y'all from?

Duane: "I have always wanted to visit ... Canberra".

Lol. I live in Australia and I've only been there twice, both times when I worked for the government.

I couldn't wait to get out of the bastard of a place. The place runs on hot air and bullsh.t. Most politicians in Canberra couldn't tell you the price of a loaf of bread, poor cossetted little possums that they are.

At least Washington is actually open after 5pm.

The upside: on my first trip down there, I had to head from Canberra to the Victoria/New South Wales border for work and on my way back it was late and I stopped in a motel in a little town called Cooma.

As I was getting out out of the car, a stunning blonde pulled up next to me in a flash car and said, "Oh, looks like we're neighbours". In a very posh English accent, too.

After working out what to say after you say hello, she did all the work for me and invited me out for dinner - the start of a wonderful and long relationship, as she also lived in Sydney not far from me.

See what I mean Elvira, you just never know. If someone had told me I'd meet the visiting Lady Arabella Fotherington-Smythe-Worcester-Windsor (fake name to protect the guilty) in a small (almost) outback town in far-flung country New South Wales, I'd have pissed myself laughing.

But that's what happened. And to this day, despite the fact that as a young bloke I was as handsome as all fu.k (sadly, times change), I still can't understand what she saw in me. Whenever I was around her, I was so overcome I used to have trouble stringing two words together, which was also a problem at the best of times.

Her father certainly didn't see anything in me that he liked (we went to England once for a visit), but that's another story. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't shoot or ride as well as his daughter. I can't ride that well, but I like my stirrups high, and he told me it was "common" and only jockeys did that in England.

And eventually, of course, she dumped me for some chinless pommy aristocrat - who couldn't surf. I now get to spend my time in a sun-kissed paradise, while she lives in some gloomy mansion somewhere in the Home Counties of England.

STM aka Stan:

LOL--they say revenge is a dish best served cold....

I loathe most of the rich: the nouveau riche, the idle rich, the old money, etc. Here we have many self made bastards with millions, but they still shit, bleed (I think) and die like the rest of us poor bastards--but i get to sleep easy at night...

At least here we share the wealth a bit more because the "poor" (lol) can marry the "rich" and spread the wealth around a bit, but in America there's just never, never enough to fill the conspicuous consumption hole. Paris Hilton is our goddess.

Our mayor Bloomberg is a billionaire and I kinda like him partly because he's so loaded he can't be bought...but conversely he could buy half the city (Donald Trump owns the other half already.)

Your story sounds great...at least you had some fun anyway. Were you crushed when she dumped you, or did you spend all that time waiting for the other ball to drop? Just wondering...fascinating stuff.

Nah, to be honest Elvira, I was young and when she gave me the bum's rush, I just kind of moved on and met someone really wonderful, who was a very indpendent woman and 10 years older than me.We were together for a long time, have a child, new partners, but remain the best and closest of friends. But by that stage, I was just about able to hold a conversation with a woman without being completely overawed. Being with someone older really helped.

I think my main problem was that, although I loved my mum and had hours of conversation with her because my father was often overseas for extended periods of time doing Lord knows what in some of the most bizarre places on the planet, I went to an all boys' school (as did most Aussie men in those days) - where discipline extended to the absolute correct wearing of the school uniform and sport had to be played on Saturdays.

Consequently, my experience with girls only really began when I was 18 (I had no sisters). It also included a nudie run through a dance we were having with a girls' school. I did get caught making my exit down a loked passageway, but the teacher who caught me was a good bloke and just kind of prentended to discipline me.

When I say I was a good-looking sort as a young bloke, I really was - but I never realised that women actally liked me. (age HAS now wearied me, however, as has gravity). I could never understand why women would even want to spend time with me, although a few glasses of beer until 3 o'clocl in the morning does work wonders :)

However, despite the camaraderie i feel with men because of my school/sport days, I've actually come to realise that I prefer the company of women (on a non-sexuallevel, too), because bloke-world can be a tough place and the expectations we place on each other are sometimes impossible.

Women, and I'm generalising, seem happy enough if you're just yourself.

However, given that I'd rather go to a rugby match than the ballet, and surfing (if the waves are good) rather than lying in bed on a Sunday morning, don't like shopping and feel comfortable swearing ny head off, reconstructed and metrosexual I ain't.

I'll draw the line at sitting in cafes though. Watching the world go past can be fascinating, especially in this multicultural city.

I prefer if it's at the beach though, rather than some wanky, trendy inner-city coffee bar where every second bloke is named Julian :)

I love NYC too. You are very lucky to live there, and not everyone's a loony. I'm sure you'll find one that ain't.

Silver Stan:

I am now the "older woman" to some people I've been meeting, and it is fun. I am the one who can't believe some young buff guy would want to have anything to do with an ancient such as myself...lol...

But yes, sometimes that's a good thing, having an older woman, for a variety of reasons. However, one young guy I met was only, um, 23, y'know? But still...

I can't really see doing this insane crap for very much longer...I'm narrowing down the short list; one person who lives here and one abroad. And if none of those work out, well, tomorrow (or next month or six months) is another day.

Just hurts more if you're a woman somehow...sex feels different; more emotionally intense. Worst is if a guy won't even give ya a kiss goodbye...like booty call time, yuck. I'm just not built for the casual stuff...it tears me up emotionally something fierce.

Wow, can't believe I'm talking about this for all the "world" or whatever to see. You kinda got it outta me though Stan...

PS: I don't do ballet; only make a man accompany me shopping if he's been particularly bad; love to close the bar down (but hold my liquor like a champ), and can swear with the best of 'em when it's warranted, so I might find your land a nice place to be.

All I know is NYC men (and many women too) suck--at least the ones in Manhattan. Hate most of 'em with a white hot passion. Afraid of another 9/11; we're not a super power anymore (China for one has bought us up body and soul), so it's kind of a travesty of a sham of a mockery in this country and city now. Too bad; always loved it here; lived here half a century already. But might just be time to move on...at least for awhile, til the next prez is elected maybe, or maybe just pick up and never look back. Who's to say...as you said you just never know what lies around the bend.

Hi guys:
Oy vey! Don't ask...writing this from the local public library becuse I've had my brand new Herman the Mac Mach II stolen in Montauk where I first went to look at property (it's cheap there now for a reason, and not a good one) but got robbed there (too). Ruvy, are you reading this? Put in a call to Aliyah because my first impulse after a year in this borough was to run for the hills (does Jerusalem have hills?) But now I'll just settle for a safe 'hood in the five boroughs...nice guys (and gals) finish last, right Ruvy? Especially if you're a loud mouthed New York Jew (a special sub tribe; my 90 something year old aunt has such a big mouth that grown men of all races, ages and religious affiliations run in terror. Thanks, tanta...I think). Let's hear it for the First Amendment...

Boy do I have a lot to write about....I go around babbling in cyberlinks (my younger friends understand) as well as Spanish, the occasional French, English (cyber and spoken); and all manner of dialects. I may be crazy (and proud of it) but I ain't stupid (Ruvy, ya there?) Brave as can be (Scorpio rising) but when I start getting nightmares I know it's time to move and move quick. I'm working on it...

Boy, can't wait to sink my teeth into a nice article or 20 (reading and writing) but the library's only open another hour and it's getting dark).

Who loves ya, mates?