Warning to readers: This column contains personal anecdotes, and is therefore Bill Simmonsized by at least 20 percent. But I'll keep it under 9,000 words, because in BC Magazine, there can only be one David Mazzotta. And I won't give her a patronizing nickname like Mrs. Sports Editor. Still, proceed with caution.

Last weekend my best girl asked me if I wanted to meet with some of her friends and co-workers for lunch. Sounded good. If anything, it helps me detect which of her male friends are trying to (futilely) steal her away from me.

I asked when. She said it was noon on Saturday. A humble, almost throwaway response. Then I thought internally. Noon on Saturday. Noon on Saturday. Something I was ... gonna ... do ...

"Ah, jeez," Internal Suss expounded. "That's when the Ohio State-Michigan game begins. There's no way I, a connoisseur of the athletic arts, could possibly miss this year's installment of the classic rivalry between two Big Ten..."

That's the same Sussman who watched last year's classic game in a Best Western hotel room in Fort Morgan, Colorado. This Sussman has somehow defied conventional metaphysics and ascertained something called a "love life."

The 2007 rendition of OSU-Michigan will decide who wins the Big Ten championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl, which is basically what the rivalry game always comes down to, it seems. With No. 21 Michigan's three losses and the No. 7 Buckeyes' one loss and otherwise unimpressive schedule, there are no BCS title game implications for either team. So I guess it's a good thing that both teams solidified their consolatory fates by losing last weekend.

And if you believe the mgoblog rumors, this is Michigan coach Lloyd Carr's final year. And we all know what happens when Lloyd Carr coaches a team against Ohio State. (Hint: it makes Ann Arbor cry in her sleep.) So why not skip a year and wait until Jim Tressel's Buckeyes face a visiting U. of M team led by:

• Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh
• LSU coach Les Miles
• The experimental Nev-R-Choke 5000X, guaranteed never to tamper with a preseason top five ranking or your money back (patent pending)

With exactly zero robots in coaching positions for this game, where's the thrill?

Well, I suppose seeing grizzled seniors on the Michigan team, notably tailback Mike Hart and quarterback Chad Henne, finally beat Ohio State will be something to behold. On the OSU side, the team is predominantly young, and I was shocked they stayed undefeated so late into the season. Understanding this is looking ridiculously far down the road and sidestepping about a jillion "ifs," next year's OSU-Michigan game should also intersect with the Big Ten championship, the Rose Bowl, and perhaps the BCS title game.

So if you had to skip one OSU-Michigan game — which is like deciding which Sports Illustrated supermodel not to sleep with — the 2007 variety is a fine option.

If you're undergoing a relatively similar moral crisis with the Buckeyes and Wolverines this weekend, remember that all things considered, nothing out of the ordinary is at stake. If you are suckered into something ultimately emasculating like shopping for an armoire or visiting your great-aunt-in-law, there's always DVR and you'll always have SportsCenter highlights.

Plus, this gives you carte blanche to become a complete waste of space during the college bowl season. Especially if Saturday's game ends up being decided in triple-overtime. "Sorry, babydoll, the Insight Bowl is on. Yeah? Well, you shouldn't have bought an armoire you couldn't goddamn move yourself."