Stolen Painting Found by Tree

According to published reports, the tree was the infamous Ethell, wife of Billy. You see, Billy was a mountain and Ethell was a tree growing off of his shoulder. Billy was just minding his own business one day in 1971 when a man drove up and dropped a bunch of cash by his foot. This was his royalty payments for all the postcards that had him and Ethell on it.

Billy decides to go on vacation, taking Ethell to Las Vegas - y'know, pull a few handles, drink a few beers. As you can well imagine, mass destruction occurs when a mountain and his tree wife decide to see the USA.

The situation escalated when the government drafted Billy the Mountain into the armed forces, and Ethell, who was a tree growing off of his shoulder, refused to let him go. The government sent Studebaker Hoch, fantastic new superhero of the current economic slump, to get Billy to agree to go in the military. Studebaker Hoch stood on Billy's mouth and tried to reason with Billy. When Billy laughed, Studebaker Hoch fell to the ground.

The moral of the story - Don't [blank] with a mountain.

Dog Steps on Gun, Shoots Man

Dog initially claims self-defense, later admits that he was upset because of the same old brown stuff he was being given as food and the fact that he had to wait so long to go outside and pee. Police across the nation are reporting an upswing in this type of violence, as more and more pets fight for constitutional protections.

It reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago. A man found out his dog could talk. He calls his wealthy brother-in-law over to see the talking dog.

Man: What's the name of the greatest baseball player in history?

Dog: Ruth!