Well, that was anticlimactic.

After the unusual World Series opening provided by composer John Williams and his rendition of the national anthem (what, no Olympic theme?), the Boston Red Sox played the Star Wars "Imperial March" right through the Rockies in Game 1 last night. There wasn't a dry bone (or Rockies' fan's eye) left in the place after the traditional East Coast opening to this horror flick.

Josh Beckett circled the Rockies' hitters with a gleam in his eye while mumbling "duh DUH... duh DUH..." and there wasn't a boat big enough to hold them all. Meanwhile, no one would be seated during the "shocking" first five innings, when Jeff Francis, Franklin Morales, and Ryan Speier did their best Poseidon Adventure impersonation before Hurdle did his Hook impression. (Watch out, Caliendo; they're good.)

There could be nothing but empathy for Buck, McCarver, and the postgame crew as they tried to stretch out explanations for this game to fit their allotted time, much like Far and Away. The layoff, the weather, the spastic twitch of Eric Byrnes... all were responsible at some point in the game. It's entirely possible the Rockies were far too distracted because they knew the fetching Ashanti would grace us with "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch.

A kind and generous Rupert Murdoch (ha!) would have allowed Buck to turn to the camera in the eighth and simply state, "So. Josh Beckett's really good and Jeff Francis' breaking stuff didn't break against the most patient hitters in baseball, giving him that Home Alone look in the dugout. Also, it's kinda cold and wet out here and it's well past Grandpa McCarver's bedtime. We're throwing it to late local news now so no one outside Fenway Park has to see Eric Gagne pitch and all you kids on the East Coast won't sleep through school tomorrow. See you tomorrow, everybody."

Therefore, there will be no extended explanations here. The Rockies, Accidental Tourists by Boston fans' minds, are hereby encouraged to pick up the baseball, shout, "Mulligan!" (or "Minority Report!"), and move on to Game 2 against an unimpressive Curt Schilling. The War of the Worlds has yet to truly start.

SpaceCamp. (Sorry, John. It felt right to end with a flop.)