Satire: How to Interrogate Terrorists - by Colonoscopy
Published October 22, 2007
The Bush administration obviously lacks true out-of-the-box thinkers. There is an absolutely creative way to get the truth out of captured terrorists. It surely is not prohibited by the Geneva Conventions or any US laws. In fact, it is doing something positive for the overly silent suspect; it is giving them a sophisticated medical procedure designed as an early detection measure for colon cancer. It is highly unlikely that terrorists have had the good fortune to have had a colonoscopy and so we would be performing a terrific service at no cost to them. Let me amplify.
The day before you get a colonoscopy you are told to follow a regime to completely clean out your entire intestinal system. This is extremely important, because the physician must have a very clean set of internal passages if even the smallest inklings of cancer are to be seen through the ingenious devices inserted into your body. The day before the procedure I could not eat any solid foods whatsoever. I could only drink clear liquids.
But the best feature of this regime is to take what seems like a pretty small amount of an over the counter substance called phosphate soda - just 1.5 fluid ounces in a half a glass of clear liquid. For those that have never had the pleasure of taking this "oral saline laxative" let me explain. Think of the most foul tasting, hard to swallow liquid that somehow has come from a distant planet inhabited by sentient beings totally unlike human beings. No matter what you mix it with you cannot escape this material's absolutely unique taste and consistency. The first sip is shockingly difficult. Following sips only get more challenging. I started to think about a new way for interrogating terrorists while drinking this concoction. It helped. A little.
After finally finishing this initial promoter of colon cleansing you must drink four more full glasses of clear liquid during the next three hours. This is more difficult than you might first think. Why? Because in about an hour after you have taken the first dose of the phosphate soda you will be hurrying - probably running - to the nearest toilet. To imagine the experience I suggest you picture in your mind one of the world's very large dams - like the Hoover Dam outside Las Vegas, Nevada, or those really big ones in China and Egypt. Now also imagine that there is some magical spigot that technicians can remotely open completely very suddenly. Unimaginable billions of gallons of water behind the dam want to emerge very quickly. Your anus will be such an opening. Phosphate soda seems to have some unique capabilities. It quickly turns whatever you have consumed into a high pressure stream of fluid.
- Satire: How to Interrogate Terrorists - by Colonoscopy
- Published: October 22, 2007
- Type: Satire
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Politics: Government, Politics: International, Politics: Law and Rights, Politics: War and Terrorism
- Writer: Joel S. Hirschhorn
- Joel S. Hirschhorn's BC Writer page
- Joel S. Hirschhorn's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Moonraven: what brought Dave Nalle into this? You seem to have a fixation.
Joel, I wanted to comment on how much I liked this article. Great combination of mild humor and two serious issues which concern many of us, especially males over the age of 40 and/or terrorists.
It's nice to see you writing something so engaging.
Dave
Joel,
I have to seconds Dave's comments. This was a fun read - particularly for someone who abhors enjoys colonoscopies as much as I....
Ditto.
But what if a terrorist requests a virtual colonoscopy?
If you really wanted to scare your terrorist, you could use 'rendition' and fly him to Britain, where he could have his colonoscopy under the National Health Service!
precede the colonoscopy procedure with a circumcision...and after, when they are tired, worn out ...hungry and thirsty
give 'em pork rinds and beer
just a Thought...
Excelsior?
Assuming that these are Islamic terrorists, gonzo, what's there to circumcise?
heh..doesn't matter Doc
getting a rabbi in there to do the deed is what makes it fun...and a little off the top, whether they need it or not, should get the subject talking really quick, eh?
Excelsior?
Oh dear, gonzo, those 72 virgins waiting in the wings are going to be terribly bored, aren't they?
Joel - next time replace the clear liquid that you drank with vodka...works wonders I hear
MAOZ brings up a good point...
If the male-female ratio in Islamic countries is roughly equal, and each Muslim man has up to four wives, and it's considered unseemly for a Muslim woman to remain unmarried, where do all those virgins come from?
Is it really 72 per martyr?
Or is it just the one team of 72 cycling around all of them?
How do they grow their virginity back in time for the next guy?
Where do they get their energy?
:-p
Dr. Dreadful #6,
Or show them the "Big Book of British Teeth" as seen on The Simpsons.
:<)
I don't know why you North Americans are so down on British teeth.
Have you seen the Japanese lately? They make us look like The Osmonds...
perversity! you know, i half expected this article to be about anal intrusion in cuba, but i was delighted (!) to find out it was about pooping. it what brings the whole world together... pooping... still, i'm not sure a colonoscopy is the way to get terrorists to talk. i tend to clam up if i'm peeing out my butt. i also tend to stay pretty quiet when someone has their finger up there. which has only happened a few times. AND I NEVER LIKED IT! no. (really, i think i cried. in fact, i did. i'm not ashamed! one of the things that makes me cry is a finger up the ass. other things include frustration, the end of "purple rain," every time i hear god and he sounds like brian wilson.)
ahh, dreadful... the japanese are simply the british of asia. they're a little more pale, have rancid teeth (and those lovely extra teeth), are imperialistic by nature and history, make extraordinary music, are fascinated by cuteness and strange sports.
but, they also have very hot women and a better national cuisine... and are a bunch of raging perverts.
god knows i love to tie a screechy woman and beat her guts. (just thought i'd say so, even if it is horrible and quite probably untrue. i dunno. never tried it. what's the fun of perversion if you don't give it a go?)
This is brilliant! Joel should write for the NY Times or at least, be hired by the Dept of Defense.
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Is this part of the SChip program???