If he ever does return to the field, at least he has a good reason to flinch at the first line drive that heads his way.

4. RF Magglio Ordoñez — The Big Tilde was named the American League Player of the Month for August. His numbers damn well solidify his case: A .391 batting average with 10 home runs and 31 RBI in 29 games. As the Detroit Tigers wistfully fall in the standings, the team would be dead in the water were it not for the Wonderbat and surname swoosh of Ordoñez.

5. C Dikembe Mutombo — He's about as tall as he is old. He's as old as his name is long. Which means he's as tall as his name is long. But you already know much about the commutative property.

The 41-year-old (yeah, right) center says he has one more year of vicious blocks left in him with the Houston Rockets. If there was one thrilling play beyond points that I would love to see, it would be blocks. Mutombo is one of the game's legendary shot blockers (he's second all-time in career blocks to fellow Rockets great Hakeem Olajuwon) and could be argued as one of the era's great centers. I sure hope, in his swan song season of the NBA, that someone will finally sex him.

6. 3B Jack Hannahan — Last month the Detroit Tigers made a swap with the Oakland A's, acquiring outfielder Jason Perry in exchange for the aforementioned minor league all-star for the Triple-A level Toledo Mud Hens. A seemingly harmless, flavorless trade. After all, neither Hannahan nor Perry were on the teams' respective 40-man rosters.

Soon after the trade, Hannahan was called up to the major leagues and transplanted in the everyday lineup at base. Last Sunday he knocked in the game-winning extra-inning run to win. The team they beat? The Detroit Tigers.

7. RB Laurence Maroney — A few months ago, the rapscallions at Kissing Suzy Kolber caught wind of the New England Patriots' Facebook page, somewhat of a holdover from his playing days at the University of Minnesota. It was a treasure trove of comedy bullion, bringing us once-though inconceivable phrases like "wash u ass" and "bout time we got some construda in dis mothafucka." We never did find out what "construda" meant. My theory always was that it's some species of termite.

But forget all that. When Maroney was asked about the Facebook page, he denied ever making it, saying it was a forgery. " 'construda?' — I don't know what that is," he said. But, see, none of us know what it means.