Satire: Jesus Speaks - "Michael Vick Has Not Found Me"
Published August 28, 2007
Do you think Michael Vick should play football ever again?
"No," he said. "And I was a big fan of his when he played in college at Virginia Tech., but once he started to play for money, he became too self-centered and lost his way."
Should the Atlanta Falcons cut him from the team?
"They haven't done that already!?" he said, his eyes widening. "What are they waiting for?"
There are some legal and contractual obligations that have to be investigated, according to team owner Arthur Blank, I said. But, they did send a letter demanding the $22 million bonus Vick was given.
"Twenty-two million dollars is not enough for them to demand from him," Jesus said, almost astonished. "They need to cut all ties with him, recall the jerseys that are on the shelves that have his name on them, and the NFL needs to place a life-time ban on his shoulders."
What can Michael Vick do to find you?
"He can start, start being the key word here, by not accepting anything less than the full legal punishment and giving up the millions of dollars he has been paid. He has to really apologize for his actions, not just because he got caught. ..."
How does someone really apologize for something? I interrupt.
"You can feel it in your soul when you're truly sorry for something. I looked into Mr. Vick's soul, and saw that his apology was just mugging for the camera, and trying to make himself look less like an animal killer.
"... He has to vow to never own another animal," he continued, "and must, must, must start an animal hospital for abused animals," he said.
Is that all?
"No, but that's a good start," Jesus said standing up to stretch his legs.
So, just for clarification purposes, has Michael Vick found you?
"No," he said.
There you have it folks, from the man himself. Michael Vick has not found Jesus. Amen.
- Satire: Jesus Speaks - "Michael Vick Has Not Found Me"
- Published: August 28, 2007
- Type: Satire
- Section: Sports
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Sports: Football (American)
- Writer: Shaun Manley
- Shaun Manley's BC Writer page
- Shaun Manley's personal site
- Spread the Word
- Like this article?
- Email this
Save to del.icio.us
Comments on this articleComments
Utter stupidity.
You do not hold the keys to MV's success or failure.
Football is not the only gift that God gave him.
Don't fool around and find yourself in a situation that you can not handle without grace and mercy from the hand of a true, living, and loving God.
Dont ramble off like your jesus's voice. how are you going to quote him? your not jesues. "Twenty-two million dollars is not enough for them to demand from him," Jesus said". Jesus said that? since when does money concern him
Tammy,
Do you honestly see what Michael Vick did as "fooling around"? Is killing dogs (which he confessed to killing six dogs that didn't perform well enough) and training others to be violent as just "fooling around"?
and ur not jesus,
See the first word in the title of my piece: it says "Satire" for a reason.
Shaun,
I don't think Tammy was saying that MV was fooling around. I think she meant that YOU shouldn't fool around and pretend you're Jesus. I think she thinks you're going to hell for such blasphemy. Look out, you've got the fundies riled. Watch your back.
But to offer a rational response to your piece, I thought it was great. You could tell that MV was just throwing out that Jesus line to make himself appear sympathetic. I was surprised that he didn't say he was going to go into some kind of dogfighting rehab or something.
Let's see, young,gifted and black with wannabe gangster skills looking for Jesus. Will pay for gas.Maybe Lance Briggs can give him a ride to DMX's house. Weapons found,dog carcasses,hhhmmm......did somebody say fine print? you know, the part that says ol' Ron Mexico tells the feds all he knows about "criminal activity". Not just "dog fighting" but "criminal activity". Now what possibly could a fine upstanding professional athlete like Vick know about "criminal activity"? Oh what tangled webs we be weavin' when we try to be deceivin'. Stick a fork in him,he's done.
Oh! You're so cool and hip for being blasphemous! All cool writers do it! Just another heathen with a Jesus obsession..
Maybe you should worry more about your own soul.
What exactly is this soul you speak of? I thought it was a kind of music.
Good piece, Shaun:
I say that the only way Michael Vick should be forgiven is if we put him in a small field, then unleash 20 violent, human hating dogs to maul him. I'd love to see that!
D--n funny piece. I laughed through the whole thing.
And before anyone else starts worrying about souls, no need, at least not in my corner. My soul, assuming it's still slightly intact, was corrupted ages ago.
But yeah, I agree with daryl d... I can't think of any other way he'd get my forgiveness.
Except, of course, putting him in a five foot by five foot box-thing and making him wear a cup covered in meat sauce and put a steak down the back of his shorts before loosing the dogs.
Quite humorous. I will never be able to understand why so called celebrities sportsmen, actors, musicians etc., talk about 'finding Jesus' and 'thanking God' for the deeds done by them. (good and bad) Why can't these people take responsibility or credit for their own deeds. Nothing is so off-putting than seeing a person receiving an award in a ceremony thanking God for it.
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/68031)
Preach it brotherman!