Satire: Jesus Speaks - "Michael Vick Has Not Found Me"
Published August 28, 2007
What's the deal with professional athletes and their obsession with God and Jesus Christ?
The latest, and possibly the phoniest, plea for forgiveness from the one who sits on high is Michael Vick, after the disgraceful Atlanta Falcons quarterback pleaded guilty to dogfighting charges.
"Through this situation I have found Jesus," Vick said, according to CNN. He also said he is "disappointed in myself" and that "dogfighting is a terrible thing and I ... reject it."
Does finding Jesus really make what he did better? Does it mean we have to forgive him for training, and killing dogs? And how does someone reject something after the fact like that? Michael Vick rejecting dogfighting is like rejecting the fact that Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans.
Very pointed questions, and because I know where Jesus lives, I stopped by his crib on my way home from work and asked the man himself.
"Michael Vick has not found me," Jesus told me opening the door. "I like it when people find me, it means they've found their faith, no matter what they believe in. But, Michael Vick probably will never find me, and I'm hurt by that.
"But what really annoys me are these absent prayers from professional athletes who stare into the camera and praise me for their victory, or the way they played the game. Honestly, I had nothing to do with any of it."
Do you think Vick will ever be forgiven for this? I ask.
"No. I can forgive people for killing other people — I've become numb to feeling great sadness over the loss of human life, but when someone kills an animal, because I'm an avid animal lover, I can't turn the other cheek."
What do you think is the appropriate punishment for Michael Vick?
"That's an interesting question, Shaun, but I cannot answer it. It's not my role in this universe to pass judgment on people. That's my dad's job."
What do you think your dad will do to Vick?
"I'd rather not speculate," he said. "Dad gets a kick out of making me wrong — it's turned into a family joke when we have supper every night."
- Satire: Jesus Speaks - "Michael Vick Has Not Found Me"
- Published: August 28, 2007
- Type: Satire
- Section: Sports
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Sports: Football (American)
- Writer: Shaun Manley
- Shaun Manley's BC Writer page
- Shaun Manley's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Utter stupidity.
You do not hold the keys to MV's success or failure.
Football is not the only gift that God gave him.
Don't fool around and find yourself in a situation that you can not handle without grace and mercy from the hand of a true, living, and loving God.
Dont ramble off like your jesus's voice. how are you going to quote him? your not jesues. "Twenty-two million dollars is not enough for them to demand from him," Jesus said". Jesus said that? since when does money concern him
Tammy,
Do you honestly see what Michael Vick did as "fooling around"? Is killing dogs (which he confessed to killing six dogs that didn't perform well enough) and training others to be violent as just "fooling around"?
and ur not jesus,
See the first word in the title of my piece: it says "Satire" for a reason.
Shaun,
I don't think Tammy was saying that MV was fooling around. I think she meant that YOU shouldn't fool around and pretend you're Jesus. I think she thinks you're going to hell for such blasphemy. Look out, you've got the fundies riled. Watch your back.
But to offer a rational response to your piece, I thought it was great. You could tell that MV was just throwing out that Jesus line to make himself appear sympathetic. I was surprised that he didn't say he was going to go into some kind of dogfighting rehab or something.
Let's see, young,gifted and black with wannabe gangster skills looking for Jesus. Will pay for gas.Maybe Lance Briggs can give him a ride to DMX's house. Weapons found,dog carcasses,hhhmmm......did somebody say fine print? you know, the part that says ol' Ron Mexico tells the feds all he knows about "criminal activity". Not just "dog fighting" but "criminal activity". Now what possibly could a fine upstanding professional athlete like Vick know about "criminal activity"? Oh what tangled webs we be weavin' when we try to be deceivin'. Stick a fork in him,he's done.
Oh! You're so cool and hip for being blasphemous! All cool writers do it! Just another heathen with a Jesus obsession..
Maybe you should worry more about your own soul.
What exactly is this soul you speak of? I thought it was a kind of music.
Good piece, Shaun:
I say that the only way Michael Vick should be forgiven is if we put him in a small field, then unleash 20 violent, human hating dogs to maul him. I'd love to see that!
D--n funny piece. I laughed through the whole thing.
And before anyone else starts worrying about souls, no need, at least not in my corner. My soul, assuming it's still slightly intact, was corrupted ages ago.
But yeah, I agree with daryl d... I can't think of any other way he'd get my forgiveness.
Except, of course, putting him in a five foot by five foot box-thing and making him wear a cup covered in meat sauce and put a steak down the back of his shorts before loosing the dogs.
Quite humorous. I will never be able to understand why so called celebrities sportsmen, actors, musicians etc., talk about 'finding Jesus' and 'thanking God' for the deeds done by them. (good and bad) Why can't these people take responsibility or credit for their own deeds. Nothing is so off-putting than seeing a person receiving an award in a ceremony thanking God for it.
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Preach it brotherman!