"I had a boyfriend throughout undergraduate school — a beautiful blond-haired man with Paul Newman blue eyes. My boyfriend was all I could ask for ... but the relationship crashed and burned when I had a brief affair with a movie star who was making a film in East St. Louis, Illinois." -Dr. Pepper Schwartz in Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (A Dating Guide for Mature Women)

Men I Have Loved

Andy Gibb

Begins: During a talent show at my elementary school, one of the older girls (a fifth grader) does a jazz dance number to “Shadow Dancing”. Although I am only eight years old, it is clear that Gibb is singing only to me. Inspired, I begin listening to American Top 40 and watching American Bandstand.

Ends: Approximately one month later when the film Grease is released in theaters and I am given the Grease soundtrack album for my birthday. I do not fall out of love with him as much as forget him entirely. Rest of world soon follows.

Significance: Begins my lifelong love affair with vapid dance music.

William Shatner

Begins: Stepmother’s collection of science fiction paperbacks lead me to pay closer attention to this Star Trek television program. I am immediately drawn to dashing, gilded captain and his propensity for torn shirts. In the space of one summer I watch every Star Trek episode in existence, and comb local used bookstores for Star Trek-related paperbacks.

Ends: Combination of first Star Trek movie and advent of TJ Hooker force me to accept that William Shatner is an old man, one who I have no interest in seeing without shirt.

Significance: Begins my lifelong love affair with science fiction. Sets stage for brief future flings with Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes (at different times of course), and ultimately Nathan Fillion who earns coveted “Spaceship Captain for Life” designation.

Stephen Collins

Begins: Steals my crush away from William Shatner in first Star Trek movie. Crush immediately tested when his character bites it at the end of the movie. Dilemma over how to create a satisfying relationship with someone who is dead soon solved with advent of TV show Tales of the Gold Monkey, wherein Collins plays a swashbuckly pilot before World War II.

Ends: Tales of the Gold Monkey is canceled. I mostly forget about Collins until he reappears 15 years later as minister with seven children in 7th Heaven. I breathe great sigh of relief at my close escape.

Significance: Begins life-long weakness for conventionally cute blonds.

Harrison Ford

Begins: Approximately 20 minutes into The Empire Strikes Back, when Han Solo ventures out into the frozen wastes to save Luke. Flowers into full force passion the following year in first scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, reinforced by surreptitious viewing of the very R-rated Bladerunner.