"Get A Clue" is the title of a job orientation packet from a major supermarket chain. Despite the best efforts of retail propagandists, all but the most delusional of time clock slaves have done just that. From the painfully dull to the wildly implausible, service industry orientations and subsequent corporate indoctrination attempts are brimming with bullshit. Having worked with very few retarded people and even fewer contented employees, I'm confident that corporations' brainwashing endeavors inspire more laughs than loyalty.

The "Get a Clue" packet, otherwise known as the "elusive satisfied customer caper," is rife with lies/punch lines such as: "people are great" and "prices are good." This is in addition to the implication that customers can get what they want "plus a little." However, illustrations of the Pink Panther cartoon grinning at me on every other page elevated this clumsily written drivel to the same tier as red letters in the New Testament.

Orientation videos are perhaps the industry's most common brainwashing tool. In 2000, tooth grinding was mitigated by jaw dropping as I watched such a video on my first day at McDonald's. A prominent feature was excessively smiling Asian women and children in essence performing for corporate in the manner of actresses employed by the adult entertainment industry.

Cliche notes of melodrama played tenderly in the background as a doltish regular customer shared her remarkable story of love pure and true served up with her morning coffee. Alleged employees of this store lauded the woefully unattractive woman. They actually claimed to have missed her while she was on vacation. Remarkable, indeed. McDonald's coffee sucks while human nature and basic economics prevent cashiers from giving a puddle of grease. The tape even told a story of how McDonald's saved a life. I'm secure enough to admit that this video left me cheering and militantly proud to shovel shit for my millionaire overlords.

The demon came back to haunt me in 2006, when a different Dallas area McDonald's hired me. Computers had supplanted VCRs, but the annoyance was still real. Computerized cartoon characters walked myself and the other unfortunates through the magic of fast food. "Baibrook [the franchise company] is the best company in Texas," the orientation manager proclaimed. The best for whom?

"Number one" was a recurrent phrase in the orientation packet, as were "happy" and "guest satisfaction." Apparently, "guest" is the new, corporate correct word for "customer." Directly after this packet welcomed me to the McDonald's "family," the next page was devoted to describing what burgeoning tycoons the franchise owners were. Hiel Ronald!