Where Invasion USA really shines like a shiny new cubic zirconia is in the good ol' action department. Watch in feverish rapture as Richard Lynch gleefully obliterates an entire suburban neighborhood with his trusty bazooka, a device which seems to have an endless supply of death-dealing ammunition. In fact, just about everyone listed in the opening credits is packing some sort of rocket-propelled weapon, Mr. Norris included. I don't know exactly when bazookas went out of style, but I'm hoping someone out there is willing to give them a cinematic resurrection within the next few years. I'll post the petition as soon as I find the time.

As with most Golan-Globus productions, one shouldn't spend too much time thoroughly dissecting the performances. Richard Lynch seems to be having a blast with the material, delivering a thick layer of stinky faux Russian cheese that will leave you either mildly amused or deeply offended. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, wears one expression throughout the entire length of the picture. It's a look that reminds me of a very interesting documentary I saw the other night about severe constipation and its effect on various Hollywood celebrities. For the sake of his rectal future, I do hope he had that taken care of.

And by the way, who decided to cast the talentless Melissa Prophet in this film, anyway? I kept waiting and waiting for her character to violently bite the dust, only to have my hopes dashed upon the rocks of woe when she survived until the oddly abrupt conclusion. Maybe someone will shoot her in the mouth the next time I watch it. Keep your fingers crossed!

The very idea that these stupendous United States could be so easily invaded by a foreign terrorist organization is a frightening one, especially in this paranoid day and age. Invasion USA proves, if nothing else, that the American people shouldn't worry their pretty little heads about such stressful political scenarios. Why not, you ask? Because Chuck Norris is standing right outside your bedroom door, a pair of Uzis strapped to his suspenders and a shiny new bazooka leaning against his twitchy right leg. Should anyone decide to blow up your pricey suburban home, he'll be there to protect you.

Just don't forget to water him, okay?