Chuck Norris, it would seem, is America's leading brand of all-purpose pest control. Whether it be Russians, Chicago mobsters, diamond thieves, ninjas, or Satan himself, the bearded one's sizable feet of furious anger will ultimately make these glorious American streets safe from whatever threat happens to be skipping down the lane that day. More importantly, he'll achieve these seemingly impossible goals without the usual macho bravado associated with most unstoppable action heroes. What a swell guy! I think I'll invite him to my Wii party next week so I can personally thank him for keeping my capitalist ass safe and sound.

Joseph Zito's 1985 right-wing fantasy epic Invasion USA is an excellent example of what Norris can accomplish when left to his own devices. Using an impressive array of weaponry to dispense his patented brand of vigilante justice, our lethal hero will take back our democratic streets from the hundreds of heavily-armed Russian thugs who have unexpectedly stormed our sandy shores. It's rather comforting to know that I live in a country where a single white man can stop an elite army of determined terrorists with nothing but a pair of Uzis, a bazooka, and his pretty little feet.

Such pretty, pretty little feet...

Chuck Norris stars as ex-federal agent/karate expert/alligator wrangler Matt Hunter, a man who seems quite content to spend the rest of his life with an armadillo in the middle of nowhere. When an old enemy by the name of Mikhail Rostov (Richard Lynch) decides to lead an all-out assault on the suburban streets of Miami, Florida, our bearded hero is called back into harm's way in order to save our sorry behinds from complete and utter destruction. With an enormous set of sweaty balls dangling furiously between his oh-so capable legs, can Hunter stop this legion of Russian thugs from turning America into a one enormous mass grave?

Attempting to follow the so-called plot of Invasion USA shouldn't be a problem whatsoever. It's as basic and generic and pedestrian as they come, allowing even those with terminal stupidity to enjoy the proceedings without overexerting their shamefully limited intelligence. All you really need to know is that Chuck Norris is an unstoppable hairy killing machine with the uncanny ability to arrive precisely when a terrorist attack is about to occur. Unfortunately for everyone, he's only able to actually prevent half of them from ever taking place. Whoops.