Be afraid. Be very afraid. Yesterday newscasters in Utah suffered an extreme bout of ridiculous stupidity, gullibility, and fear mongering. If you still inhabit your parents home and live in this state, please carefully guard your parents. Be alarmed if they display any of the following symptoms and behaviors of having watched the “Emo segment” on the ABC 4 news: grounding, forbidding use of the internet, unprovoked prodding into your musical tastes, and a ransacking of your iTunes.

The segment opens with the two anchors stressing the importance of the “investigative report,” on Emo culture done by Reed Cowan. Suicide and self mutilation are brought up, along with statistics to add a quantifiable dose of fear. A warning is given to viewers to be prepared because some of “what they are about to see is disturbing.” And disturbing it is, if only because people may take it seriously.

This unintentionally hilarious segment smacked of satire and parody. It would have been a clear front runner for placement on a “Best of” DVD had it been aired on Saturday Night Live. Watching it, one can’t help but anticipate the moment when Andy Samberg runs into the shot al la the great ‘50’s docu-drama “Marijuana” and throws himself out of a window after listening to My Chemical Romance.

But sadly, this was not parody.

The report begins by stating Emo as “sadness, rage, and pain.” It came from the internet and can be found all over the web, as well as in music and even Spider-Man 3. A video montage of Emo imagery follows and includes visuals of broken hearts, eyeliner and a page of words defining generalized negative emotions including “agony” with the "g" written backwards as if Emo also causes dyslexia. Reed Cowan warns in dramatic voiceover to “not react with fear,” because “advanced” Emo kids cut themselves and may commit suicide.

Sounds kind of serious, right?

Cowan then goes on to discuss fashion and a picture of an orange striped polo shirt pops up, thus incriminating everyone from the preppy-jock on the football team to even my sixty year old father. Next, a pair of jeans that look like they could be from the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen collection for Wallmart are shown, decorated in pink and neon green cartoon flowers, accompanied by the warning that Emo boys may wear “girl pants.”